its getting hawt in here. ;)

well college isnt as bad i thought it would be.. maybe that is because i donot have to juggle work and studies as yet.. once that starts maybe it would be sad.. ;) maybe. yesterday we started with our first module: mens illustration ;) and the homework was to 'read/observe' men's magazines. so i spent quite a bit of the day gawking at hot international/ indian models.. it is the teachers orders after all,and im not the one to disobey. no sir! lol.. and today we had to draw poses of our own.. or try to draw poses from magazines. the poses have come out vey nicely i must say.. and the men look very hot! so my friend and me spent time after college (have i ever voluntarily stayed back) deciding who we are going to draw for tomorrows class.

oh but i got up late today and i dont think the teacher bought the ' i was late because i had a family emergency excuse' ;). she told me to get up earlier for tomorrow's class..

24/7

monday college starts full swing and it will be back to the grind/ routine.. whatever. and ill be working as well.. college from 8.30 -11.30 and then work. yay! so all this adds to the joy called life. monday we are supposed to present a mood board depicting/ expressing ourselves through a collage... and im wondering how to describe self destructive rebel through pics.. but considering that the rest of the class has conviniently forgotten the project the teacher will excuse us after the usual 'im disappointed' speech (uhh like we care!). after a holiday how exactly does one get up at 7 for college?? im pissed of thinking of college...

and at the end of the day i realise that i am not into the 'work thing'.. im all for the easy money.. and i want to try/ freelance in every thing.. writing/ designing/ styling/ travel.. blah blah.. and i dont want to work 24/7 either. there is no such thing as easy money.. and that is a piss off. i want to be my own boss, do my own sweet thing, and well just 'hang ten'.. the words rat race and ambition are not understood . its like my mind on a vacation every since i finished my undergraduate degree. i think i wana freelance in life. yeah i should just get a t-shirt that says that.

back in business.

are we back to the normal white backgound?? someone please let me know.. its white on my computer.. and i can access my blog from the pakistani site... atleast the mind numbing pink has been removed.

college officially starts from next week.. and i (being a creature of habit) have gotten used to sleeping at 3-4 in the morning and getting up for lunch at 12. how the hell am i supposed to get up next monday i have no idea. a typical day includes zero activity.. or too much activity.. i swing between the two extremes.

yesterday was one of the days of extreme actvity. i left my house at 11 in the morning and returned exactly 12 hours later. spent the better part of the day shuttling between grocery stores and supermarkets. the occassion? my friend was having guests over and i was helping prepare dinner. ok... my friend and me made the 'pineapple suprise' while her mother made the main course et all. donot assume that i have become domestic (i am not probably will never be!). so we finally got the ingridients together and started on what was supposed to be 'pineapple souffle'. incase your wondering why its pineapple and not the trusted choclate, her sister is pregnant so something pineapple was the only thing she could stomach. that was before she knew what we were making. ';) so the mix was made.. and we well were impatient and the souffle did not set. so we contemplated making the pineapple souffle the drink to be seved before/ with meal. finally we did serve the dessert, which her sister christened 'pineapple suprise'. it did not turn out too badly, and i am not kidding! all in all a good day.

so to make up for the 'activity' and the walking done yesterday, today was a lazing around day.. unless you count colouring my hair as activity for the day.

random stuff.

ok well the government did block blogger.. and i ahve not been able to access my blog in some time.. and well i read this article in the newspaper which said that if you go to www.pkblogs.com/.. you can access all the banned websites ;). and lo behold i can check my blog. but its in a very very 'bright' shade of pink. those of you reading this could you please tell me if my blog is bright pink on your computer screen as well?? and if it is how can i get back my old white background? though i louve pink the new avatar is giving me a head ache. and i cannot access any of the other blogs directly as well.. i have to go to the above said website and write the blog addresses to view the blogs.

ok now that we got that out way... what have i been upto? ok i would like to assume all are interested:) so.. saw a lot of films.. i saw ' the exorcism of emily rose'... and i was never a fan of the exorcist to begin with and this new movie just reaffirmed that faith. though the movie essentialy deals with the trial of the priest after the exorcism ritual.

and i bought the dvd of 'love actually' this is the only romantic comedy i think i have liked.

tomorrow college begins for the undergraduate students but i thought that i would go to keep them company.. since i am such a lovely person and all..lol. actually i am bored out of mind and i thought if everyone is meeting up in college to study lets join the fun. college is not exactly like the jail type facility called stella maris (my previous college). its more informal and chilled out. we listen to music and like never do any work on time. though the new teacher promises massive changes in the working system, without the co-operation of the students i would like to see how the plans are going to work.

ok that's it for now..

hello.

honestly i figured considering all the airtime this 'issue' (ISP blocking blogging sites) is getting blogger would have been blocked or whatever. but lo and behold im blogging. but now that i realise i can blog.. and donot have to rant about the freedom of speech.. and how the government cannot tell us what to do, i realise that i donot have anything to say. like there used to be a time where i would blog like everyday.. about something or other.. college, teachers.. blah. if nothing i would give reviews. but now i cannot write about anything, somehow i donot think its writers block..

space jam.

most people (atleast the ones i have to interact with on a daily basis) donot understand the concept of 'space'. lets not break it down to definitions... but why do people feel the need to be connected 24/7?? if i donot call/ sms/ mail you in the last one hour does it mean i dont give a shit for you? or is it that constant contact with other people makes you less aware of the meaningless existence that you lead? i really do not understand such people. sometimes they suffocate you so much you start to feel like your in a damn relationship. when you are not! 'no', 'fuck off', 'back off'.. are words unheard of. hence the constant need to meet for coffee, chai, juice, lunch, dinner.. wherever, whenever, whatever! maybe i require more space than the average person.. or so it would seem when compared to the people in my life. but i cannot meet people on a regular basis. (especially if i cannot relate to them) once a week and after that my patience starts to wear thin. a sample telephone conversation/sms always starts with 'sup? so.. when we meeting up?' if you do tell them that you have a life beyond them, then apparently you are 'putting up your price'. i have tried to tell them to fuck off.. but like said its not a word that is understood.. you donot have to be a rocket scientist to understand that do you?! but when we do meet, there is no conversation, because i honestly donot give a shit.. and cannot be bothered to be nice or social.

*sigh*.

the week that was..

the week started on a brilliant note thanks to my grandmother who thinks i donot go to the temple like a dutiful hindu should. question 1) if i go to the temple does it mean im praying? 2) if i donot go does it mean i am an atheist?... neither of which they could answer.

so spent the better part of everyday this whole week out of the house. i came back only to sleep and change clothes. but the fight did some good.. for one parents sick of the arguments have gone to goa... two i have spent more time with my friends than i have done so in the last one month.

saw a japanese film 'like an asura' and laughed my ass off... ;), ate truck loads of ice cream after a long time and walked back home after the film at 10 in the night... never realised chennai was so beautiful to walk in at night... or maybe it was just the company. the beauty of it lies in the fact that my mother was trying so very hard to contact me (6 missed calls), and the cell was on silent mode. so she thought that i had probably been kidnapped and was on the verge of sending out a search party when i reached home.

and that very night, i spoke to parents about higher education.. for once it was a conversation, rather than the usual raving and ranting that i do. and mum is game with me going abroad (for now), dad is resigned to the idea after one year of anti-social behaviour from my side.

alls well that ends well?? some how i dont think so...

where da partay at??

i have lost all interest to party al at the 'ripe' age of 21.. in fact i go out of my way to get out these invites..not to say there are too many... or that i am party animal. am not. but even those parties (the few that are happening) donot interest me.. i would rather chill at home.. or just go out with friends (some of who would rather be at the parties).. read even! the thought of getting dressed then putting up with random guys/ girls/ whatever hitting on you... hmm, the hypocrisy sickens me.. and the music (house) gets to me.. i feel old just writing this. but i still donot feel any urge, need or compulsion to attend these 'dos'...

REALLY??

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

thought for the day.

everyday you learn something new and wierd about yourself.. not that isnt the thought. more like an introduction.. so lets get cracking, well today i learnt that if i meet people who might be connected to accquaintances i know then i wont open up to them... its like i want people as single entities.. without a background. a history. past. when i meet people i want to meet them and not know there are fifty others out there who know them. not know them better... just know them.. that alone is irksome...but this is not to say that i think people are possesions (spelling?). far from it actually. i know that people will have past... inevitably the world is a damn village... but once in a while when i do meet people i relate to i want..... well i want them for myself.

the coolest cheese ;)

for those who donot know why this post has been titled so.. and that im guessing is pretty much everyone.. the coolest cheese is the name given to me by my classmate. it basically means i handled the pressure well.. what pressure?? well today was the final day of the design project.. and me being well.. me put off everything(all the stitching) till the very last hour literally. project submission was at five and i started cutting fabric at 4. dont i rock??!

but unlike the last time.. and completely unlike me, i did not react at all under the pressure. every one around me was going mad.. running around, drawing, taking printouts, stitching screaming.. yeah you get the point im sure.. me on the other hand was 'sage like'.. sort of like in a trance. i didnot react even to the most vile insult, and had a beatific smile to give to all those around me.. and one my friends who was going to help me stitch was panicking that i had not yet cut the fabric.. my response ' it will happen in due course' and yet another smile.

so he asked me later why i was so cool under pressure when usually i go down like a ton of bricks.. my response.. sometimes when you know your going to go down.. down all the way you just switch off? yeah that was me today. if the roof had caved in when i was stitching i probably would'nt have reacted...

ironically i finished all the stitching. and i did it by myself though a friend offered to do it for me.. and i did a decent job(read: the stitches will hold till evaluvation;).. and the good news so did all my classmates. in every situation come what may we donot forsake each other.. though a couple of us finished early( no not me i was 'sage like' on the sewing machine) we stayed back to ensure everyone finished their work and submitted everything to the invigilator. we look out for each other every step of the way.. and we have known each other only for a year.. ;)

donot know what i would have donw without you guys.

children of boredom.

everytime i have to do work (read: study!) i feel the need... no actually i have to procrastinate.. im checking out random blogs.. checked my mail like a thousand times... neither msn nor yahoo are signing in... so im insanely bored. so what do i do?? decide to write about it. today was supposed to go to college to finish off the design project but couldnt as the teacher threw us out. we can work only on weekdays apparently.. wonder who died and left them incharge??!!

annywwayyy... was supposed to partay today.. but courtesy the 'homework' for the project due , im spending the saturday night doing homework. how good am i?? huh?? ;)

ok im going to go.

hmmmmm...

Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's. Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too! You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship. You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

well loved the first line... and the rest also sounds true...

p.s: was this bored yesterday.

R.I.P

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

btw

it is so pissing off when you constantly meet people you know and donot like. then you can either choose to be a bitch and not react/ respond.. or you have to be fake/ nice.. blah blah. this is after the intial feet shuffling, racking ones brain trying to remember names.. if you are one of the lucky ones who do get past the zillion 'hot spots' in namma chennai where you run into people.. you have the oppurtunity to meet them on the internet as well. either they know some family members, friends, blah... ultimately they know you. what bothers me?? not the contact itself.. the artificiality that 'springs' forth courtesy the contact. the constant need to question and keep tabs... yuck. orrrrrrr you could convince yourself that you are oh so popular.

by the way.. the exams are going on as planned (by the teachers). though it does not feel like it. both the theory papers were completed in a record time of 15-30 mins each, though we had three hours to complete the paper. and the 30 minutes was because we did not know what to write. donot attribute it to knowledge. the best thing about the exams is that we still think as a class. all the 'side' routes to acing the exams have been given up. the book is in front of us and all we think is when we do the exams get over. we honestly donot care if we pass or fail. this im liking.

wassup?

turned 21 on monday.. the most fabulous day to turn 21 wouldnt you agree? especialy with the exams around the corner.. very happening partay day. NOT. but i did have fun. most of my close friends were there to spend the day with me.. and yeah there was a cake (no im not five years old.. ;). took loads of pictures... shopped (yes i know again?!). and simi got me the most awweesoommee pair of sunglasses.

exams started today. and the irony of life it does not feel like i am having exams! we were listening to music and doing the exam.. and the invigilator is in love with my friend so she was very 'kind'.. hence we were chatting and doing the exam.. but the fun part? we drew parts of the human anatomy.. (hands/legs/ feet) things that are difficult to draw and pasted it around the class and voila we are expert illustrators! ;)

annndd.. good news i got a 'merit' grade in the rework i got on my corel draw assignment. so life's looking up for the moment.

high.

shopping and me are inseperable.. ok make that dad's (hard earned) money+ me = shopping. nice equation i must say. it is beneficial to both sides. for me.. more clothes! for dad he feels guilty for not spending time with me. so here i go off shopping again. the thing about shopping and me is that i donot need to buy... even if a friend buys im happy. it does not take much to make me happy.. simple pleasures like shopping will do.

when i say shopping dont misundersatnd the statment like saying oh a tshirt or jeans perhaps.. i have like a p.hd in shopping and a specialisation in window shopping. planing on opening a college sometime. ;) lol.. ok so i went shopping again today. note the word 'again' ;). and as usual i went with my friend and well we shopped for like three hours and spent quite a bit of money. the thing is that i donot need to buy expensive stuff.. tshirts or earrings and more than adequate. like i said simple pleasures. mum has totally given up on me.. now when she sees the bags she does not even react.

over a period of time this shopping 'madness' (as mum calls it) has manifested itself. shopping is not just buying clothes.. its the art of buying anything with fathers money (but ofcourse!). and its not just shopping for myself.. i can shop for anyone.. with anyone.. provided the other person is game enough to last for atleast 3 hours of shopping. atleast. i remember like a year ago maybe my friend and me did a one day trip to bangalore just to shop! morning train to bangalore.. shopped!! took the night train back.

retail therapy brings with it a high of its own.. i never fully realised this until today.. i actually went shopping to escape a family lunch plan. and we finished shopping but the lunch was still going on.. and in my 'high state' i had half a mind to join the lunch!! we should bottle retail therapy. im sure business will be rocking.

spice up your life.

ok.. you might.. just might have guessed from the title.. i just finished reading 'mistress of spices'. to be honest i took the book only because of the hype surrounding the film.. so i began reading it with no expectations in my mind. and to my suprise i realise that i really like the book! the way the spices have been described.. the stories.. the cliches.. whatever.. maybe old wine in a new bottle.. but its a damn cool bottle at that. i loved the book. and now am dreading to watch the film.. considering the way it has been ripped to shreds. and for those who didnt know the woman in the book is old. not a bloody miss world winner. somewhere down the line i think in ambitious production and publicity/ promotion the esssence of the book has been lost. especailly cause at the end of the book the old woman regains a bit of her former beauty(external only;)..

towards the end of the book i felt really indignant on behalf of tilo.. someone who has given to others all her life.. for once she wants something back and the spices donot want to give.. or they give with the idea of temptation in mind.. the ending wasnt too much of a surprise.. but i liked the book.

free for all.

today out of complete boredom i was listing randonly things that i was obsessed with.. as i have mentioned before i do everything in excess.. so in no particular order.. these are 'old' louves.. ;)

• choclates.
• milo! (that choclate energy drink or whatever.. i used to love the choclate powder)
• nestle choco sticks.
• kellogs wheat flakes.
• skittles (those chewy gems like stuff... yummy. )
• choclate cake.
• cheesecake.
• icecream (due to which i suspect my tooth broke.. hmmmm)
• subway sandwiches.
• french fries.
• cold coffee with icecream.
• tandoori chicken.

hmmm... i have done all the above said in excess... so much so that i cannot bear to look at anyone of these again... except maybe the coldcoffee... ;)

puppy love.

today i met dumby.. short for dumbledore. hes 3months old has the saddest eyes. is lazy to the core.. he cant stand on his own four legs.. he has to sit.. and running is out of the question. another name in my list of most favourite. hes thangu's dog a beagle puppy. hes big for a 3 month dog.. and hes lazy. he cant walk for more than five seconds without lying down.. and he cant raise the lower half of his body, not an exaggeration ;) he eats. sleeps. eats. shits. pisses. sleeps. he loves it if you scratch his tummy and will be your slave for life you will pet him for more than 5 minutes at a stretch. he needs human contact even when hes sleeping. though he looks doped 24/7 hes the cutest. he made my day.


p.s: finished the corel draw assignment! and submitted it in record time. and this time the lines are MUCH better.

flipsyde

to start off most of my assignment submissons are over! on monday the whole class stayed back in college till 7.30pm to complete everything.. and that is a huge accomplishment considering the fact that we have not worked at all in over two months. on the flipside i got a rework in that damn corel draw assignment. well it did look likt i did the assignment when i was drunk.. the lines were too shaky to be accepted. and i have to give it in tomorrow. ;) and im almost done with my trouser stitching as well.. now well that was a fiasco as i have no idea what the end result is going to be.. and we have finished submitting all the degin work and it has been graded as well..

today there was a camera crew that came to college. after sun tv this is the second one.. i really dont understand the purpose of such media frenzy.. when the students are going around saying dont join what the hell is the media going to change? anywaaay.. point is that they moved the boys completely out of the frame and took pictures of the ladies alone! what the fuck is that?? there are like a zillion pictures of me and two of my other friends working, talking, stitching.. all with our fake smiles intact.. lol.. looking forward to see which magazine accepts the damn photos.

technologic.

we have a new teacher! she young( she about 2 years elder than me;) fun, strict, and cuttee ;)

point is we have listed out our complaints as usual to her and she is going to look into it. shes our new faculty.. and we got offf to a decent start today.. and i realised that i am hopeless when it comes to technology.. we had an assignment to submit in corel draw.. where we had to create a template library and well i submitted it.. but it sucks big time!! i couldnt control the pen tools.. and the whole outfit is very shaky and has no semblance of shape/structure or whatever. i hope that i donot have to redo the assignment. i spoke to the faculty incharge and requeste him to show compassion for the technology challenged.

asof the last tweo years that i have started using the computer itself for something other than paint.. earlier to chat using msn/ yahooo messenger was an ordeal... and once i managed to delete entire programs from the computer.. and got soundly abused by my father.. i used to be scared to operate the damn thing. incase i delete something else and cause more trouble.

but off late considering that i have a computer in my room..my dad has new found respect for my ability to let the monthly internet bill shoot up to unprecedented heights ;). but he genuinely respects my ability to work on softwares/ presentations etc.. he was telling me this yesterday during our rare chats.. not arguments.. chats.

;)

strike three.

some realisations are so random that they hit at the most unexpected moments.. and they are no great use nor do they serve a purpose...

- while reading ' butter chicken in ludhiana'- pankaj mishra.. i realised that the author during his travel throughout india styas in most of these government guest houses.. which are in complete shambles.. thought the posters speak of incerdible india.. and what not.. what struck me was that if these government sponsored houses are as 'great' as they claim to be then why dont the top government officails stay in tehm? instead of using up tax payers money for the taj and sheraton groups??!

- its always the simple things in life that makes us the happiest. today i woke up dreading having to go to college.. as one there was the sun tv crew coming to shoot about the brilliance of our institution.. and two i had not completed my homework.. as luck would have it i escaped both.. and got to sleep in till early evening ;)

- mississipi mud pie that i ahd today was a ticket to heaven! sin in a box. ;)

all in all a nice day i say.. and its just been a few hours..

engaged.

question: will bitching about your college in the newspaper land you in a legal soup? those who do know please let me know!


on a more pleasnat note.. my friend got engaged last saturday. it was one helluva function. outlandish clothes, beautiful decor, blinding gold jewellery, bitchy attitudes, catty comments, fabulous food, a nevous and hyper bride to be, and a very unconventional ring ceremony (thanks to the broadmindedness of friends father.. uncles too cool for the old school stuff ;).

this really got me thinking.. uncle has to foot the whole bill for the damn wedding and the multiple functions that will ensue , which again will result in an ostentacious display of wealth.. is all this pomp and show necessary to prove to the world your status?? im sure here uncle is hard pressed to carry on the wedding the way 'it has always been done'. all to this to keep the grandfather, grandmother and the countless nasty relatives happy and more importantly quiet.

the whole function left me more than a little irritated. my friend is sitting worried, tensed and nervous. all the ladies who came to see her can say why are you not wearing more gold or worse sizing up her clothes.. her 'worth'.. helloo.. bitches. and to make matters worse the first time the grooms side (only ladies) came to see her five of them had four video cameras between them!! and they filmed the whole damn conversation.. and introductions.. i sooo badly wanted to hit them! i dont know if they even realised how callous and insensitive they were. the weding is definitely gpoing to loads of fun wiht the 'ndtv crew'(as we called them;) around.


the point that im getting to (yes there is one) do we give more importance to families than our own lives? they are a part of our lives. not our life itself right? i mean its important to repect your elders and take their opinion into account..but isnt it your marriage? your big/small moment? wondering..

quote/unquote

more than enough has been said about the quota issue.. and well i have nothing more to add. was reading some of the comments on the cnnibn blog post on the 'quota issue'.. a person called 007 said that when (note not if) arjun singh gets shot and hes in hospital would he allow a doctor/orderly/nurse who has gotten the degree through quota to treat him....

food for thought ... ;)

best years of my life!

yeaterday finished reading chetan bagats 'five point someone'... its about life at iit.. no it does not tell life at iit rocks. or that its the 'greatest institution' in the country. what it does talk about is that life without friends sucks. you need them to bunk classes, college, cheat, eat, talk to, listen to, basicallly live life with... i guess that implies to all institutions right?? i mean everyone i know hates college, life..blah.. friends are the only reason that many of us continue..

stella maris was another 'esteemed institution' where i finished my bachelors.. two weeks into the college i was in depression. lost weight. hated college. threw attitude. then slowly i made friends on a common ground that we all hated college. soon we realised that we had more in common than mere hatred for the college.. i cant even recall the countless times we have given each other attandance, bunked classes, bunked the culturals.. the damn combined studying, hanging out at gangotree, bitched about the lovely 'sisters' of our college .... and that was four years back.. now we have all moved onto various courses. they mean the world to me.. and we still keep in touch.

this is for you apu, vysh, tika, zayn, simi;), and the countless others who helped me live through that nightmare.. thank you.

man of the house. ha!

the more i interact with my father the more i detest him.. im serious.. he just came now like half an hour back and gave some ultimatum along the lines of ' you have to come to the temple.. next week.. or else....' like what the fuck?? or else what? i havent been to the temple in over a year.and am not fucking interested in watching god being glorified when i donot know if god exists..

point is that my father is never at home. always out of the damn country.. city.. state. do like look like i care as long as hes out of the damn house?? so when hes never at home why the fuck should i listen to him?? its not like im out getting smashed or sniffing coke.. im at home on the computer downloading some fuckall songs.. and he has to issue ultimatums like he knows me.. or worse like he can control me.. and this alone provokes me enough to set the house on fire. literally.

this is one of the main reasons why i want to leave the house.. i have no idea how i cant have any love/ affection/tolerance (same difference right?) for my family. they totally suck. and this is not some childish rant.. or some spur of the moment post.. i really dont like them. and i wish they would just fucking leave me alone..

i cant remember the last time i talked to my parents.. like talked.. not just asking for (more)money, but asking things about their lives.. and the last time we had like a family dinner would be when four years back.. how do i remember?? i have a photo.. oh that btw was the last 'family photo'... he does not know how old we are.. and we donot know how old he is.. i dont know what he does.. and he doesnt know what im doing. or that im turning 21. i like it that way. and want it that way.

everytime we attempt conversation there is a fight. he gets pissed talks nonsense.. i get pissed of and it ends in tears. this is a freaking sumup of life for the past 4 years. it has been freaking hell. to make matters worse his mother a freaking bitch has to goad him on. god she will burn in hell. what really, i mean really pisses me off the fact that he cant ever tell him mother to fuck of. even when shes wrong. like when she wanted to throw a 28 day old puppy outta the house. she succeeded mind you. whore.

all this and more makes me wonder if marriage is really worth it.. unhappiness all over... yeah yeah not everyone is like my father... could swing either ways.. but.. yeah whatever. bye.

obsession..

anyone who knows me will testify as to how much i louve these things.. birth dates.. SUN SIGNS!! (not horoscopes and shit!!) blah blah.. i like them... ok i dont know why but i just like em.. not obsessed with them... but just like to know if they could come true...


BIRTH DATE: GROUP


02,07,12,17,22,27: B2



Group B2
Your dreams and ambitions are much important for you and you can do everything to fulfill your dreams. Love is much valuable in your life but you always search for someone perfect. You hardly trust someone.
Your friends are really important for you but normally you hide a lot from them.
You are a deep thinker you always study the negative view as well as positive.
You can lead a happy life with a person for whom you care a lot these days.



Is your birthday day 12 of the month?

Your LifeYou are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.Your LoveYou are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.

this came as a mail.. attachement.. and just couldnt resist.. ;) the second one is mostly true.. the first few points.. friends think the last few apply as well.. but i dont know..

neverland..

i have conversation with people in my life when they are not there... confused.. think im psychotic.. well im wondering if i am! i have 'conversations' with people regarding certain situations im afraid to approach.. sort of like my own imaginary fantasy playing out in my mind.. rarely do these conversations happen out loud.. these are only conversations.. and mostly involve people i know..

its really wierd but if im scared to approach someone with something that is on my mind.. then i obsess about it this way.. i play out the entire conversation in my head.. with actions.. i can totally imagine the person reacting/talking.. blah blah.. i have a hyper active imagination. and i donot have control over it. but this is really crazy.. i never realised i was doing this in class today until the teacher was asking me if there was a problem!! what was i going to tell him?? im having a conversation in my head?!! this is not some imaginary friend situation.. its just people and me.. and its conversation. intelligent conversation might i add!

over the moon!!

i finally gave my hawt pink i pod for replacement last week. and well my friend got it done for me in record time. its coming back next week.. monday i think. and since apple corp stopped production of their 1st gen pods im getting a 2nd gen pink pod with 18 hour playback! yeah!

dilemma

yeah so i was just baking in the afternoon heat as always.. me music, and my book. nice combination. when my friends mother calls.. except she just didnt call to say hi.. she wanted me to tell her about her daughters so called new boyfriend! i was freaking out.. cause on one side my friend (the daughter) was not in station and this fruitful conversation is taking place behind her lovely back. when she finds out she'll wring her mothers neck. and second my friend has told her mother the age old sleepover lie to go hang with her friend... *sigh* aunty wants 'boyfriends' number, address even! so she can talk some sense into him.. she feels the relationship is progressing too fast.. watever not my problem.. my prob is with the fact that there are a bunch of lies and a nice web formed around that one story.. its only a matter of time before it all goes up in smoke...

ultimately im stuck in the cross fire cause daughter and mother are not talking to each other. and im their confidant.. yuck. life is soo freaking fucked. good cop, bad cop.. eventually im getting fucked.

progression

i just finished reading a book titled ' bend in the ganges' cant recall the author's name.. but it was nice. and very old.. the story is set during the freedom struggle. i was going to stop reading it there and then. any more 'gandhiji ki jai' type books and i will throw up. anyway.. the whole point of the book is that the freedom struggle is 'but' a backdrop. and it revolves around the lives of three people.. debi dayal, his sister sundari and their common friend/ enemy gian. at various points in the novel all the three wonder if it is better to continue wiht the british rule in india.. as with out them chaos/ corruption/ degradation would become a way of life.. nice novel. finished shalimar the clown also.. didnt like it. going to start ' one night at the call centre' chetan bhagat..

ohh im obsessed with this song 'selling the drama'- live ;) ...and would any one know who sang 'i just died in your arms tonight'??

closure

at times i get too close to people that daily life is a pissoff if i am pissed of by/with/at them.. life looks all rosy if im in a happy mood cause of them. this dependency was eating me from within. i was reacting to them. to their moods.. blah. blah. before i went to mangalore i was constantly dependent on others.. i was double checking my decisions/ thoughts whatever.. whatnot! with them.. somehow the trip has changed me. sort of like made me more indifferent. if that was possible! now i react lesser. and i realised that i donot depend on the same people for my daily life. i know they are but a part of my life. and i can manage fine without them. i am both happy ( at the closure) and sad on one level.. that i am yet to figure out why.. but closure is damn liberating. its like there are no ties.. nothing holding you back. more importantly no one holding you back. me back. ;)

to the moon and back

from the frying pan into the fire.. not really mangalore was heaven in terms of the weather! the breeze was awesome.. and though there was no ac in my grandma's house it was not bad at all!! but its good to be back. familiarity is safe ;)

as i was entering mangalore ( the airport is on some remote hill.. and there is not 'much' of a runway.. im happy this thought did not occur during the take off!) i was looking at the city as a tourist would. never mind the lack of sleep of complete exhaustion, cause of gettin up at four in the morning. i was looking around very detatched, in awe.. at times with wonder. globalisation has not spared much. the sleepy?? town has been transformed into a bustling metropolis. atleast according to me. nothing like he other major metros.. but the fact that what used to be just mangalore alone has become dakshina kannada and udpi district itself is testimony to the effects of modernity..


quite a few of the old buildings have gone. the new ones seem jarring. out of place. ugly even especially to someone who has been raised on the staple diet of mangalore tiles and an almost 'rustic' attitude to life ;). even the poeple have changed. bollywood rears its ugly ass head in the way certain sections of people have begun to dress..

but somethings never change.. *sigh* the konkani community's preocupation with food and marriage is.... is.. i guess just sort of a topic of amusement now. but its very irritating when they go on and on about how they have a ' good boy' in mind!!???what the fuck? and god help you if refuse to eat in any konkani household! the one preparing the food (usually my grandma) will take personal offense and to add insult to the injury will report it to all the inmates/inhabitants of the household. not a very pleasant experience. when in doubt please eat! for the love of god eat! the coconut trees also remind me so much of mangalore.. thought i know most coastal areas are replete with the damn trees and the falling coconuts. not al have been razed to the ground to make way for some new building.. also the 'dress' that women prefer at any given point is the humble 'nighty'. its very intersting to note there is one to wear for the day one for the night. god forbid should you 'exchange' the two! the embarassment the ladies of the household will be face.. ;) but the true beauty of the place lies in its beaches!! especially the one in surathkal!! its beaauuttiifuul. clean. quite. and not a soul in sight. bliss.

the main reason i went there was to meet my grandma. and i dont want to ever go back. she is not well and probably wont live too long. and it takes too much control not to cry my heart out everytime i see her so weak. i really donot understand why she has to endure so much pain.. that too at the end of her damn life.

anyway the second reason was the thread ceremony of my cousin brother. it was an exhaustive inhouse affair with relatives and family.i was on my best behaviour.. much to the shock and amazement of mother dearest.

as i am writing this i realise that first - i want a house in mangalore. surathkal maybe. near the sea..there is a beach in the front yard and fields in the back. second- i can converse with the 'natives' in my broken kannada. not bad i say. and inevitably most know konkani, which becomes very embarassing( for mum not me!;) when i am fighting with mum. we usually revert to the mother tongue so people around donot have any idea what we are saying. lol!

au revoir

wokay im off to mangalore for the weekend. im nervous. and im wondering why i agreed to go in the first place. but i know when i get there i will want to stay longer. im dreading the trip cause i have to get up at 4 tomorrow morning cause the filght is at 6.. and this is just the freaking connecting flight.(to blore) apparently airlines cant fly directly to mangalore. assholes. then a lovely 2 hour wait at the airport and we are off to mangalore. which reminds me i better get my friends i pod or i will be forced to converse with fellow passengers or worse my mother.

ok that's it for now.. will post pics. and the hilarious conversation with fellow konkanis. right.

bye.

happiness and the like ....

i am happy cause....... (yes i know its rare but.. ;)

1 my teacher officially told us that she is resigning.

2 we donot have college this week. as there is no teacher to conduct the class.

3 im actually going to mangalore. it was a new year resolution and im standing by it. right.

4 i finished my kidswear presentation and did very well ;)

5 father has gone to germany and will not be back for one more week!


hmmm that is it for now..

lets break it down..

ok.. now that the happiness intro is over lets get down to the finer details. yes they always exist.

• the presentation was awful. i was nervous. and when i get nervous i get defensive. nice combination. that whore we call teacher called all the rest of the college for the kidswear presentation.. umm what the fuck to they know about fashion?? ( btw they have no dress sense what so ever.. and need a stylist BADLY!) she even encouraged them to ask questions... what the fuck biatch?? my hands were shaking when i was holiding uo the boards.. anyway i did decently sooo.. its cool. but my friend goofed up. and the managment students asked a bit too many questions fot their own good. i'm waiting to whoop their ass. skanks.
• my teacher announced that she is resigning. but its more like ummm she was like.. 'thrown out'! and friend the sweet heart that he is asked where the farewell party is and when!!
• i am going to mangalore as said before.. waiting to see my grandma.. and as luck would have it my i pod( no its not been repaired/ replaced) is dying out on me. so a friend said i could take his. nice friends i say!! and we are flying down to mangalore so the 18 hour journey is wayyyy lesser. hence less time to spend with mum on the flight. less conversation. no fights. note: this is a proposed vision of the future. which never fucking goes as envisioned. *sigh*
• we have relatives at home ( did i ever mention that my house is an ashram?? no... well al are welcome.) free food. boarding. lodging. entertainment. the husband and wife donot seem to get that though i may wear 'western outfits' i understand the fucking regional language. so discussing how tight my jeans are in front of me is not a fucking option bitches. ohh their daughter a wilting wallflower is in louve with my brother who never knew she was in the house. that much of a wall flower. good fun.
• my leg still hurts form the saturday night outing to speed. some bitch stepped on my big toe with her 6 inch stiletos. and the toe is black and blue. by gods love the heel didnot go through my toe.
• i have money to go and buy a pair of pants i had seen.. and im getting more of those sodexho gift voucher thingys.. ok.. its more like im taking them from my fathers cupboard. then later appologising for using them. its easier asking for forgiveness than permission. always.
• on a very positive note the college has been served with a legal notice by my friend who was cheated for like 6 months. and now she demanding a refund of the exorbitant amount paid as fees. and if the college does not respond suitably in 2 weeks then she is demanding double the amount stated, for defamation/ mental agony/ undue stress and the like! awesome. so far one and a half weeks down, and no 'suitable' response from the college authorities.

tuesday was a close friends birthday and she had a partay at her house. there was good food, alcohol, nice people, draammaa ( cause her grandmother found the liquor bottles..) but what i realised was that not everyone invited to it ( invitations were handled by another friend;) was welcomed with open arms... they werent hated, but not loved either. some where in between.

which brings me to my point i dont believe in large birthday bashes/ weddings.. because i donot care for 98% of the poeple in my life. for the 2% that i do... well they know it and will be there and will hopefully be happy for me. so the day after the party i was just asking my friend if she actually enjoyed her birthday or was it just something she was forced to put up with. she said the 2% made up for the 98%. ;)

smile for me

maybe this should have gone my wierd list... maybe.. but im really scared of going to doctors. no its not the needles.. or the sight of blood... im just paranoid what the diagnosis might be. yes sounds crazy.. but on sunday i 'realised' that i have a cavity.. and well it dosent exactly hurt but well a part of my tooth came/ broke off. no i donot have a 'gap' in my fucking mouth but well i miss that part( the tooth that is;).. there was no blood or anything but still it freaky your tooth/ (or a part of it) just fucking coming off..

anyway back to where we started i have to visit the dentist. and i am postponing the inevitable meeting but a couple of 'friends' have totally freaked me out about how this could lead to a root canal and the like.. another bunch have lovingly informed me that the infection could spread and i may not have teeth left. bitches. thank you all. so i have a date with the dentist coming up soon. something i cannot take a rain check on. i am freaking out, and was depressed the whole of today. *soobbb*

happy hour.

well its partay time my teacher has handed in her resignation. after months of hard work our efforts have borne fruit. of course now it lefts to be seen how the fuck we are going to complete our portions.... but its partay time. ;)

over last week saw a couple of films..

'pride and prejudice'
'being cyrus'
'gladiator (again!)',
'brave heart' (oh no!), '
requiem for a dream (very depressing),
'wuthering heights',
'raincoat',
'mere yaar ki shaadi hain' ( on fast forward.)

ok going to celebrate the departure of my beloved teacher by completing homework. yes i donot have a life.

god save the queen.

was watching 'brave heart', courtesy brother for the hundreth time.... i was just wondering japan has been made to apologise like a dozen times for the attrocities committed by the island nation during the world war. so what would the 'united kingdom' have to do?? considering the number of countries it annexed (tortured/tormented/enslaved) under pretext of trade.

curtain call.

"Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her"

- Robbie Williams- 'Feel'


this perfectly describes my philosophy on life. i expect every relationship (friendship or otherwise) to end. naturally or ... otherwise.


hmmm...

driven

today my brother was telling me that i would be of no use to any sports team.. why? because i lack the aggression, the fighting spirit, and the over all drive to succeed. this really got me thinking.. first of all to prove him wrong and second because i was truly wondering if i lack the drive to succeed..
i guess this would depend on what is success for you right? it differs from indiviual to indiviual. for some its money. others its fame. for some its the numero uno position be it in anything. i realised yeah maybe i do lack the drive to win.. its because i dont think winning is the only thing in life. yeah sure its awesome to win. the euphoria.. the rush.. damn nice. but how long does the satisfaction last?

and if you dont win its not the end of the world either.. i honestly believe that its the process that is more important. the journey more than the destination. cause that is where bonds are forged, lessons are learnt.. its fucking lonely at the top.. and i need people around me more than fame or money.

of course my brother just laughed and went. loser.

sum up.

right for those of you who dont know it was the konkani/telgu new year yesterday.. and well i holed myslef for the better part fo the day in college.. and for the rest of the time in my room. there were more konkani relatives in my house than i knew what to do with. yuck. but the food was yummy.. and that is the biggest plus point of these family get togethers.

and i have finished stitching my top for the kidswear module.. and the skirt will also be done by tomorrow hopefully. ohh my teacher is getting thrown out. we have a guest faculty for almost all our modules and i guess she just comes till the semester gets over.. or whatever. like i give a shit.

i broke my watch.. yeah a sports one at that. so using the designer one that i have. very expensive. very fragile. so not me. but yeah need it for college. need to know when i have to leave. ;)

and the happiest news.. grandparents are going out of station for the weekend.. and so is father. partay time people! ;) so looking forward to the weekend.

and if your wondering what im doing at home writing this post at 12.45 in the afternoon.(instead of getting an education) well went to college at 10. and left at 12.

disturbed

sometimes i feel wierd. yeah nice opening line i know. but that is all i can use to describe what im feeling... (probably a hangover form one of the previous posts..;) anyway i cant describe it.. during these moods i dont want to think. cant think period. i see the problems but dont necessarily see them.. or comprehend them. its a mental shutdown. i dont wana read. listen to music. talk. write. i cant sleep as well. but i feel damn tired.. i just lie down and stare at the damn ceiling. no im not depressed.. my mind goes blank. you might be talking to me but i just wont register anything your saying.

this euphoric mood hit me when i was in college today and going to start stitching, as usual the teacher came and started yelling that we are lagging behind blah blah... and i did not even realise she had stopped shouting at me.. i was just standing there.. looking through her.. and she had asked me a question, which i did not hear (but of course..).

so yeah basically i cant focus. and nobody exists but the sensation. even to write this post which usually takes about five minutes took me close to half an hour as i could nto concentrate and my mind kept going blank.. sort of like the picture is blurred. except im wondering if its the picture or the damn vision that is blurred..

mere yaar ki shaadi hai!

as the title suggests it is indeed my friends wedding that is going to take place some time next year... she has been wanting to get married for like the past two years and now that it is finally happening i think the enormity of the whole thing has just sunk in for her.. so has the panic

mind you this not louve marriage or anything.. its a very traditional 'proper' arranged marriage.. apparently they know the guys family well and they are very respectable people so my friend thinks, it should be 'ok'.

i have nothing to say about her choice.. because its her choice.. and she has been wanting to get married as a means of escaping the chaos at home... i just asked how will she escape the chaos at the 'new home'..?? if any but ofcourse..


arranged vs. love marriage which would u prefer..? i seriously dont know.. but i do know my parents would disinherit me.. and disown me if i even think about marrying any guy outside my caste (wtf!) let alone religion.. (which could be a reason why i keep telling them muslim men are hot (some are:). the look on my fathers face is worth it.) and love quite obviously does not come with any sort of caste/ religion barrier....

im very comittment( one 'm' or two?) phobic and when i think of marriage i think shackles.. loss of freedom.. i get dramatic and my mother just dies everytime we have this conversation. and more importantly i wonder if i can stay with one person my whole life?? i get bored very easily.. and its scary to assume that im going to get out of a comittment like marriage because i am 'bored'... yeah i can be fucking shallow.. (but these thoughts were eating my life for sometime.. had to vent... )

TAGGED! ;)

i got tagged by Mr. Rationality.. and the question is why am i wierd.. i guess this means i should list my idioscyncrasies on the internet.. right. so here goes.

i am wierd coz:

- my friends are my family and my actual family are mere accquaintences.

- becoz i finished my B.A in Literature and now doing my post graduation in fashion and dont know where i am going with this..

-i cant sleep unless the room is pitch dark.. but ironically i can sleep till 12 in the afternoon and the room will be flooded with light (quite obviously).

-i need to have a bath just before i hit the bed at night. but the morning one is optional! ;)

-i have stayed in chennai all my life and have seen only one tamil film.. in the theatre or otherwise.

-i dont have the patience to watch films (esp hindi..) and have watched entire films on fast forward mode..

- yet i can read a 1000 page book cover to cover.

- i am obsessed with 'flip cell phones'..

-after the age of 5 i have never voluntarily worn a skirt.

-i collect make up.. dont wear it. its a matter of possession.

- car journeys make me sleepy. five minutes in any moving vehicle is enough to lull me to sleep.

- there are 3 cars in ym garage and i dont knwo how to drive.

- im scared of crossing roads.. its traumatic for me.. so stop with the laughing.

-sleep and kapi are my bitches take either one and there will be hell to pay.

-i am obsessed with the colour pink.. pink walls, curtains, key chains, sunglases, clothes, i pod, im trying for sports shoes also.. but dad thinks im mad so..

-sorrow attracts my attention more than joy ever would.

-people i have never met in my whole life have made me think more than paople i have known my whole life.

-i think of going to temples or visiting relatives or extended family members as punishment.

- i would walk for 2 hours rather than take an auto in chennai.

- i feel cold in chennai. so you can imagine my plight during the rainy season.

- i sympathise more with animals than with people.

- numbers scare the crap out of me.. i absolutely hate maths.. and have conviniently forgotten conversion and the like.. which i need for my course now.

-i bleed my parents for money and then i save it.. for what the fuck?? yeah even im wondering...

- because gold or other precious / semi precious stones hold no value for me.

- i hate going out for dinners.

- i hate crowds.. but love dancing in discos.. ;).. umm i think its cause i love dancing. period.

- i like using things that are new.. new erasers, pencils... pens.. whatever.. if its new i gotta use it immediately.

- i collect stationery items. and never use them.

- i collect birthday cards.. esp ones with letters or something personal written in them. have been doing so since the 4th standard..

that is it i think... whew... when i started this i had no inclination i had wierd habits.. but yeah u never know i guess...

anyway i have tagged :

pufflet - ;)

vysh- hope your comp is working!

janani- i dont even remember your blogspot address! u better write something.

j sea- looking forward to this.

points of authority

during my literature course one concept i studied stuck with me.. the concept of 'power relations'. the concept in short means that someone has power because you recognise/ fear/ admire or are in awe of it. for example a master is only a master as long as there are people who will accept that position. it applies to all relationship in our lives. someone has control over your life because you let him/her control it. it all boils down to the concept of choice. we have a choice to so something about our situation or to wallow in it. not doing anything is a choice in itself.

this concept very effectively removes the blame game.. u have no one to blame for your life but yourself. so you have to wake up at some point and take responsibility for your actions..

third eye blind.

i see you, and you see me.
but we are both essentially blind.
and we know it.

holi..

after another long late night chat.. thought i would not be getting up for college.. but guess what we have a bitch for a guest faculty who does not think, much of asking the students to stay back after college hours.. (we need a fucking union.), so had to move my ass to college. late.. but went never the less. and guess what my lovely classmates had planned. celebrating holi. so the whole hour during lunch break we plastered each other with colours. and then the teacher entered.. and got plastered too! ;)
and because we did not complete our patterns during the lunch break.. the guest faculty asked us to stay back.. did i say it was the damn LUNCH break?? bastard. so now we have to stay up and night and cut the damn patterns and get them.. so we can stitch tomorrow.

we are a family! right.

it really pisses me of when people i dont know act as if they 'know' me. familiarity breeds contempt.. over familiarity.. hatred perhaps? over the past week random people called me by shortened forms of my first name/ surname?? and i wont know their first name.

i think my father can be grouped into this category. he is never at home(thank god for small mercies) to get to know his children. he does not know our age... (and vice versa:) nor does he know what we are doing, yet when there is a need to socialise we are THE happy family. today we had my fathers clients over for lunch and infront of them the acting performance he gave left my brother and me more than a little nauseous(right spelling?).

point is life is freaking short. either u know people or you dont. dont profess to know me, my likes and dislikes, when i dont know you exist.

the miseducation of my class teacher.

over the past 3 months besides coffee (but ofcourse!;) my sole purpose/aim/ goal in life has been to get my teacher thrown out. to put it simply she is useless. and i can respect her if she accepts it.. but she would like to think that she is the sole reason that the sun rises in the east. so we decided to 'educate' her.

so the campaign started. and inevitably we the fashion department became (are) the most hated dept in the damn college. there were disciplinary comittees formed to curb our enthusiam. but what went on during the committee meetings would require another post. there were letters sent home, attandance requirements were increased for our dept alone, (the blame game in the mean while is going on full swing)... blah blah, blah!

hence started the counter campaign. we sent off approx 4 letters to the administrative staff in delhi. and with each letter the language, length, and content changed. drastically at times. we influenced other departments and soon the creative departments had declared war against their teachers.

on tues the administrative head came down from delhi.. and my what an educative experience it has been. to put it simply she fucked the centre heads existence..and the teachers.. and the supportive staff on grounds of harassing the students mentally and emotionally. ;). the centre head has been threatened with legal action, as well as the accountant. since then the fashion students have been given a wide berth by the teachers. our class teacher has changed. we have gotten more respect, infrastructure, and teachers.

more importantly we got justice;)

GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

sometimes it so fucking hard to try. its much easier to give in. give up. i 'want' to give life a fair chance and not drag it through this mire of indifference. i want so much from it. and want to give back equally in return. i want to give in to the moment. show the passion i feel for things.. people.. life in general. but then come the expectations.

my parents expect me to someone i am not. my teacher would most certainly prefer another student. so on and so forth. inevitably i let someone down. i let myself down. when i expect myself to react, to argue, to fight for what i believe in/ fight for what i want... i become indifferent. at times i just want to make the call.. the first move.. for once maybe act instead of react... but dont. what if..? what if i fail? let someone down?... too many of these fucking ifs and buts. Failure, rejection and me. Three to tango. therefore once bitten twice shy. actually once bitten, im backing off forever.

i give all or nothing at all. the two extremes in life. there is nothing inbetween. hence i expect so much from myself. yet i constantly let myself down. everytime. sort of life i set myself up for rejection/ disappointment. castles in the air are my forte. but when the time comes for laying the damn foundation i procrastinate. a nice routine i have going on.

the whole of last week i have been depressed, irritated, emotional, bitchy and been throwing attitude at practically everyone. in the process hurt many close to me. for this and more sorry. as always its me.. not you.

identity

finally finished 'the dark holds no terrors' -sashi despande yesterday.. hence couldnt get up for college today. anyway the book was better than i imagined. it wasnt just about a woman wringing her hands wondering what to do... it had a bit more.. but one line stayed with me.. towards the end of the novel sarita wonders that just because women give birth to babies does it mean they own them? how can it be 'my' child?? is the child an object meant to be possessed?

i posed the same question to my mother.. and of course that which does not have a set(read SAFE) answer is rejected. so she told me i should stop asking such 'innane' questions..

i really donot understand what parents assume/pressume by taking charge of their childrens lives.. are they trying to live their dreams through their kids lives? or is it some twisted pride in 'owning' state rank holders as childrens?? why arent children considered entities of their own? indiviuals? why are choices not provided? or alternatives accepted??!!!

personally u should love your children enough to let them go.. what is the point in deciding the safe route?? what if you child does nto want it?? and i seriously wonder how parents can make decisions for their children... personally i would be terrified. your deciding someone else's likes/dislikes.., life!!?? based on your likes and dislikes... what if your child turns around 15 years from now and asks why u made that choice?? or is that also an 'innane' question? to my mum it is so was wondering...

four to the floor.

well sometime in septemeber in college we had this 'life skills' class (like you can learn anything about life in a freaking classroom) and this teacher came from delhi and he conversed (not taught) with us on a myriad things. one thing he said remained with me.. he said human beings are broadly classified into 4 different kinds of animals :

1. Fox: a smooth operator..someone who knows how to get his/her work done. you scratch my back and ill scratch urs.. o fox is a person who knows when to strike when the iron is hot and how to negotiate a deal all for his/ her benefit.

2. Shark: a completely agrresive go getter. someone who knows what they want and are willing to go to any lengths to achieve what they want. even at the cost of harming others. amibition that is unparalled.

3. Teddy Bear: soft. cuddly. without opinions. someone who agrees with what you have to say.. and the second person, third person.. well you get the drift.

4. Turtle: this is a person who has suicidal tendancies. very depressed with life. and if there any complications in life then they run back into their shell. they are like fuck life, fuck the relationship. its not worth it.

apparently there is a fifth animal that people can be categorised into but its so ideal that not many (any!) can fit into that mould. the Owl .. i forgot essentially what the owl is.. but bascially the ideal.

the teacher said honestly which animal would you be if you were faced in a crisis situation. what is your default setting. basiclaly he meant that if u had a crisis and no one was watching how would react..? Honestly!

well i am turtle. not that i am suicidal. but that does not mean i have not thought about it. but the relationship part.. yeah that is essentially me. i would be like fuck it nothing in life is worth it. (though i know its not necessarily true).

its only words....

prose is beautifull.. but poetry to me is the language of the heart.. what i feel comes out easier (according to me) in poetry.. what suprises me is that very few people i know (me included) donot appreciate the beauty of poetry in our regional languages. personally i can read hindi only( that too with grreeaaatt difficulty) so this is one of the few quotes that i received via sms that i saved..not sure who wrote them .. but.. really love them. so here goes...

"Yaad main teri aahein bharta hain koi
Har saans ke saat tujhe yaad karta hain koi,
Maut sachchai hain, ek roz aani hain,
lekin teri judaai main har roz marta hain koi.."


" Nigahein aapki, pehchaan hain hamari.
Muskurahat aapki, shaan hain hamari.
Rakhna hifazat tum apni...
Kyonki saanse hain aapki,
Magar jaan hain hamari."


beautiful!

a days work.

ok today has been a very tiring day.. we had our first factory visit.. and well we learnt more today than in the whole 6 months we have spent in that damn college of ours! anyway the ride to the factory(in tambaram) was fun.. the headphones were glued to my head and it was awesome.

we got there and dude to the din of the machines and incessant chatter of the workers we could not hear our teacher thank god! it was a very interesting experience. the workers donot understand the countries or the brands they are working on! while i was dying reading the damn labels. all the clothes made are for export only. hence the quality is on a level that the average indian buyer wouldnt recognise if it hit him on the damn head. and the workers are all sourced from near by villages so their exposure is at a minimum. and they donot understand the value of what they are making. a garment (shirt/ top) is made at 1 dollar... but the price tag says 24.50 $... can you even imagine the profit? and the one dollar mind you is inclusive of overheads/ tax blah blah...

and then later we got to meet the chairman of the export house.. the annual turnover of the house is about 35 crores.. yet you couldnt have met a more humble or down to earth person than him. anyway the day was a very nice/ educative.. but very tiring...

the chairman said (when asked why they dont meet deadlines) that no one plans to fail.. but we fail, because we fail to plan.

chew on that one for a while.

stuck on you.

i m reading this book by sashi deshpande called 'the dark holds no terrors'... during my 'time' in stella maris as a literature student the goodness and the quality of deshpandes writing were droned on and on about. i have nothing against her per say.. but not only her titles, her book covers (jackets), protagonists are stuck in some freaking time warp... its very cyclic and irritating. they are depressed thoughout the whole book there by effectively dragging you down with them.

i have not completed this book but i can almost viualise the ending.. the lead character( a female) middle class, very unhappy with her life, more often than not would be married and stuck in situation from where there seems to be no end at sight. so hence all the protagonists do is crib. there are painful flashbacks.. images.. so on and so forth.

my point is that why are these women not allowed to do something about their lives? i personally dont believe in the concept of 'victim'... everything you do in life is a choice you make. not doing anything is also a choice. so victims is just a term, which i think these characters should grow out of.

i have not read too many of her books.. but the way its going i dont think i want to.. but yeah recommendations are always welcome.

out of sight. out of mind.

ok.. well im not for v-day nor against it... its one of the many things in life im indifferent to. the only thing that i wonder is why on one particular day love 'must' be professed to the one you love. there are 365 days in the damn year.. and if only one day tweaks at your conscience then.. what sort of a relationship is that?

this sort of reminds me of my parents dragging me to the temple, or students praying religiously before every exam.. what about the rest of the days? we tend to take the people in our lives for granted. and by this i mean everyone.. including the lord god above..

on particular days/ temple visits/ bdays blah blah.. we remember and glorify them otherwise they are relegated to some lone corner.. (ok may be not that bad.. but get the drift.)

my point isnt against these days, occasions or celebrations.. but against the thought that one day of attention can make up for a year of neglect.

torn.

when do i leave you? a good question
with no answers at hand.
more importantly, why, do i leave you?
your love has made me open up.
feel. want.
i wear my heart on my sleeve.
its not good for me, my state of mind.
maybe i should just leave.
instead of waiting it out.
yeah maybe.
so many ifs, and buts.
im sick of weighing the pros and cons.
yet your face shows nothing.
i cannot read your, heart.
i donot even know what i want any more.
my priorities are all screwed.
friends say love does that.
does it? yes or no is all im asking.
this is my internal debate.
im arguing both sides.
so for once maybe i should just pick one.
be selfish says the mind.
but my heart is marching to a different tune.
how can you make me feel so much.. and not feel it yourself?
the facilitator of change.
elusive. aloof. detached.

*sigh*

the misery called college.

hello... one more lovely weekend has come to an end and once again the cycle of drudgery begins! (drum roll please!)...

starting monday my college WLC... has decided that the students need to be in a more 'attentive' frame of mind(im quoting here).. hence our beloved principal decided to start yoga classes for the betterment of all involved. there was a notice which said:

yoga clases commencng at 7.00 am sharp. monday - friday.

late comers will be 'awarded' pink slips(please note the 'humor')

u may wear comfortable clothing and bring a bed sheet along with you.

my point is if i sleep during the class would that be considered 'transcendental' meditation?? and second if comfy clothing for me is night dress?? and third are the 'teachers' coming for this betterment session?? and what slips would we be awarded if we dont attend the classes at all!! bitches!

my teacher actually had the gall to threaten us that if we donot attend the class then she would give us lower grades.. well we told her to go ahead and do just that. what shes going to fail the WHOLE class?! skank.

we also have culturals coming up... with a budget of 2 1/2 lakhs... i mean really! we dont have sewing machines yet we'll publicise the college... what can be more capitalistic than this.. and we are expected to involve our selves in all possible events.......after college gets over.. which is after 3.. so what do we get done after 3?? lunch?!!
and we need sponsorship to meet this deadline.. like obviously... and they need our help but of course.. and guess who was pushed into the executive comittee?? yours truly.. ;( but yeah i have managed to get out of it... donot ask how.. its art form perfected in stella maris. my fellow batch mates would know. ;)

but yeah have to go now and start working on my submisions. so.. will keep you all posted.

for me, its You...

No. the drugs don't work. have never worked.
Dont think they'll ever work..
So yeah, you can walk through that door.
Not a worry in the world.
Not one backward glance.
Ill just stay behind and wait.
Has it been any different from before?
Not really.
So ill just sit on the worn out wicker chair,
Drinking coffee...Pinning..
The first time you left i didnt think ill see you again.
Yet here you are..again.
Deja vu? yes. definitely.
You havent changed one bit.
But then again neither have i.
You still leave.
I... i.. will continue to wait.

illusion 2005

finally!

i am a graduate...

well yeaterday was my college (Stella Maris) convocation... and amidst great pomp and celebration we were awarded our degree certificates.. ( Bachelors of English Literature)personally its very liberating. its an accomplishment.. i am very serious.

i joined the college on 15th june 2002.. and well in exactly a week i was depressed over the bueraucracy, politics, hypocrisy...blah blah... i left school with stars in my eyes regarding the college.. but well it look less than a week for the whole illusion to fall apart. and there were countless moments where i would tell my friends that i wanted to leave.. this slowly progressed... then indifference settled in. from then on it was ok.. cause well i didnt care.

but that does not mean i did not have fun... i have made the most awesome friends, learnt sooo much (outside class ofcourse) about people, myself.. my limits.. and more importantly my abilities.. i had a few fabulous teachers... and some excellent peers.. the course as such was very interesting.. and there a lot of reading to be done.. and i actually read the authors (unlike my lovely classmates).. jane eyre, oliver twist, midnights children... a lot of indian fiction.. philosophy..
but my favourite was advanced english (a level), creative writing, journalistic writing, post colonial literature, and history of ideas (philosophy).. the teacher miss bernadine was awesome.. and i really looked forward to those classes!

but yeah on the whole a very enriching experience.. at the end of any event... the good is what you usualy remember... so heres to my degree!! *cheers*

and for the batch of 2002-2005 we rocked... and we are free! ;)

Life For Rent.

"its just a thought
only a thought.
if my life is for rent
and i dont learn to buy...
well i deserve nothing more than i get,
coz nothing i have is truly mine."

DIDO- Life For Rent.

well i have nothing to say.. the lyrics are self explanatory.. and scary.. it comes to the point of eternal recurrence (Nietszche).. is your life worth living again and again and again..
if you had a choice would you choose 'your' life? sort of like a measure for ones life..

how much is your life worth?

bluffmaster.

there is something haunting about old hindi songs... how ever much i profess to love rnb and hip hop or rock... old hindi songs have a special place on my i pod.. ;) there is a quality popularly known as 'soul' which the numerous remixes nowadays donot( will never!) have. music now a days has been reduced to semi- pornographic videos.. and well its very sad.

originality and talent are all things of the past.. though many have argued that it takes talent to mix the old songs to the new beat. plagiarism is also very rampant in the many hindi music videos. popular but lesser known hip hop songs are taken and blatantly copied to 'create' these videos... at times the videos and clothes themselves are not spared.

the concept of intellectual copyrights in this country is something that needs serious thought and action... especially in lieu of the fact that the original composer/ creator of the music does not get any credit.. or royalties.

cry me a river.

i donot know why tears are considered sort of like a measuring unit for grief/sorrow... i think the eyes are the most expressive feature in any person... and poignant grief manifests itself in the eyes. the mind even.

tears are but a reaction... sort of like the body/ mind/ soul (whichever..) coming to terms with the loss or tragedy..

i am not very good at hiding my emotions... but then again i react to very little in life.. so loss of someone in the family who is/ was not close to me does not mean im going to cry.. at the same time i am not heartless..

nothing in life is indispensable...neither me nor you... so time does away with the pain but the loss still lingers.

indifference is an attitude.

finally saw 'rang de basanti'... and to be honest im not too impressed by the film.. it started out nicely.. because more than tears and horror.. humor gets people more involved in any situation/ incident. it creates a bond. but i thought that the film meandered towards the end...

but one point that struck me during the film was that when shraman joshi (i think..) says " so what we'll kill the defense minister..?!" ......the audience laughed.. the point of the film was lost.. and towards the end became a farce...

the film is trying to get the audience aged 20-25 to react, to stand up.. revive nationalism.. patriotism..etc etc.. but a section of the targeted audience laughs at one of the pivotal scenes in the film... (i am no different.. it sounded ridiculous to me also..) then it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with just our reaction ....or the way the writers and film makers seem to take the targeted age group for granted.

rehash some old plot and preach to the audience about the freedom struggle, and that gets the point across? right? wrong! i wish they would acknowledge that we have minds that go along with the it- industry sponsored bank balances.

please excuse... ;)

i am not psychotic its just that i like personality tests... one of my quirks i guess.. anyway bear with me... these are the only ones im taking... for now.. ;) comments r welcome esp from the people who know me..

You Are Internal - Realist - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

coffee any one?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

key to my heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

12th JUNE...

Your Birthdate: June 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

choleric temperament....

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

sparks

ok both the pics posted were taken by me.... well they are pictures taken on my cell and uploaded.. they are pictures of a window in my room... one is during the evening, and one taken at night im guessing you can figure which was taken when... ;)

light on

open up!

well its officially been a year since i started blogging.. and i must say it has been very fruitful.. an eye opener in every sense of the word.. i have learnt more about myself.. others... learnt to introspect more and, more importantly learn't (the hard way at times..) that there is more than one perspective to life..
i was reading some of the articles and poems i had written over the year and i must say i have progressed from poems to articles to free writing.. ;), from emotional ranting(not completely!!) to a more rational and detatched thought process..
the whole year has been one hell of a roller coaster.. emotionally and otherwise.. and i have done pretty well for myself i must say... and for those who know me.. know that i write best when im in the midst of the emotion/trauma.. hence ..yeah there have been a lot of articles that are very emotionally charged... as i read it now i can look at it in a more detatched manner.. but i wont change a thing about it... it was written in the spur of the moment and its as honest as i can be..
i like to read comments about the blog.. no not praising the blog/ post, but comments that help me think more... help me realise that there is more than one way to look at 'anything' in life. constructive criticism is more than welcome.. it helps me grow... it has so far, so im sure it will help in the future also.
and finally i would like thank all those people who 'inspire' me to write these articles/ poems/ epics.. my friends, family, classmates, teachers, artists, authors... i guess without reacting, acting, reading and listening to the abovesaid i would not have this blog... so thank you one and all... and a special mention to thangu who got me to start blogging one year back... thank you love...

"open up now...let it all go.."

red light..green light.

good news... college is closed for a week as the administration has been called to delhi for a training period of 1 week.... so partay... be happy for me people!!

sad news i think our teacher needs a new undergraduate degree not one week of fucking training... and we have to complete some homework at the end of it... but that is not too bad as i can do it at my own pace... which is last minute... hehehe

annnndddd...........we are going to have yoga classes for the whole year... from 7-8... i mean get real... yoga for one hour then class?? like hell im getting up... or if i do get like hell im going to stay awake!! losers!!

but anyway i still on cloud number nine with the news of the week's holiday... ;)... when i do get down from there which will be soon there will be another post from my side..

that is it for now... bye...

p.s: any movie recomendations for the week of holiday will be appreciated... except horror and hindi movies anything else is cool....

paradise city.

i got my freedom...my independence.
free from the taunts, the questions.
i am my own master now.
and now have more than enough time to contemplate.
there is no one to distrub, after all.
not a soul.
a busy day ends with contemplation..
giving voice to the unheard multitude within.
strangely, i find that my own voice cannot be heard.
the dissent has become an uproar now..
inevitably i cannot hear...myself.

inxs

well as of now i am recovering from the cold, fever and body pain... and the best remedy is eating.. which is ALL i have been doing these few days... and this brings me to the point i wanted to make ( i always have to start like this dont i!!)

the point is...(yes there is one) i dont like to be dependent on anything/ anyone... so i do everything in excess hanging out with people, coffee, ice cream, choclates blah blah blah.. till i can get it out of my system... its sort like a wierd version of all or nothing at all...

and when i crave it i want it... "saw it, wanted it, threw a fit; GOT it!"

there was a point not too long ago when i would eat like packets of sweets.. and now i cant look at it... i dont know why that is... everything is done till im sick of it and then i move on...

everything seems to me as just a matter of possession... sort of like a twisted cat and mouse game.. wondering who will tire of the obsession first!! and once i have it its like whatever the fuck..

at the present moment its subway sandwiches. and juice. im loving it at the moment but like next week i will not be able to look at it...

but my first love coffee will not change... no matter how much i consume. and but of course music... but in that too i went through obsessive phases....

variety i guess is the spice of life... but then again too much of anything is bad for anyone!

'cause life's like that!

when did life get so lame?? im sitting home on a sunday bored out of my mind.... and very tired... saturday night was fun.... and sunday morning was even better... a trip to broken bridge at 5 in the morning is what every sleep deprived mind and body requires!! and the most astonishing fact i was up to see the sunrise.... shocker!! hahaha. i think i have not seen the sunrise in like 3 years so this was very memorable... took photos, hope to upload them soon, if they are decent.. btw i did mention that it was BLOODY cold... and i froze to death... but yeah it was nice overall..

i have not slept and i am tired, but im depressed that tomorrow is monday which means college.... yuck... and ill have to get up.... yuck...and listen to my teacher's voice who btw we have NOT been able to throw out as of now... sooooooobbbbbbb....

but yeah that is all my sleep deprived mind is capable of at the moment...

bye.

goodnight! ;)

bleed like me.

like sharp nails, your words hurt...
but im not the one to show it.
feigning ignorance i turn away..
from the pain, from..you.
but im bleeding, bleeding from within.

give in, move on.
the philosophy of the hour..
move on... yeah...
blinded in a world of colour,
blindfolded and let loose,
among a myriad things.
im bleeding, bleeding from within.

life's come full circle.
i see you standing there,
in front of me.. not a care in the world,
yet i feel no remorse..
maybe love..
after all... if you love something you let it go..
if it doesnot come back.....
it was never yours to begin with.

you have become a commodity now.
sort of like an experience... a bad haircut perhaps.
or am i simplifying it too much?
i , have stemmed the bleeding, but the pain lingers.
a dull ache...
but too will fade away.

the ten things i hate about you.

i cannot talk without analysing everything once before in my head..
incase you misunderstand something...
i wouldn't want to give you a wrong opinion.
i like the attention.. its good for my ego.
but, i love my space more.
back up...im asking this time...
next time i will not be so polite.
at the same time i do not wish to lose your friendship..
i know i maybe asking too much from you,
but every relationship needs atleast two people to make it work.
you just lost one...

the mask

*sigh* mum came back from mangalore and i got soundly abused for not accompanying her.....

well i am trying to sort out for myself why i have an aversion to the place?? no not because i hate my community (i detest them, most that is...), well i have been thinking and i think its because when i love people too much i dont want to lose them or be seperated from them.because when i meet them again i dont know how to react around them.... hence i throw attitude and pretend they dont affect my life.... shit i suck!! this is a damn never ending cycle...and more often than not i start it.....

mum said my grandma (mum's mum) thought i had come with her.... and was very disapponted to find out that i had not come... i felt like shit when she said that. i have not seen my grandma for approximately 3 years or 2 years... but its been a long time..... its not that i dont love her.... she is possibly the only person in this world i love.....but.... i dont know.....

yeah i also know i have to make good on my new year promise to visit the place.....