sometimes it so fucking hard to try. its much easier to give in. give up. i 'want' to give life a fair chance and not drag it through this mire of indifference. i want so much from it. and want to give back equally in return. i want to give in to the moment. show the passion i feel for things.. people.. life in general. but then come the expectations.
my parents expect me to someone i am not. my teacher would most certainly prefer another student. so on and so forth. inevitably i let someone down. i let myself down. when i expect myself to react, to argue, to fight for what i believe in/ fight for what i want... i become indifferent. at times i just want to make the call.. the first move.. for once maybe act instead of react... but dont. what if..? what if i fail? let someone down?... too many of these fucking ifs and buts. Failure, rejection and me. Three to tango. therefore once bitten twice shy. actually once bitten, im backing off forever.
i give all or nothing at all. the two extremes in life. there is nothing inbetween. hence i expect so much from myself. yet i constantly let myself down. everytime. sort of life i set myself up for rejection/ disappointment. castles in the air are my forte. but when the time comes for laying the damn foundation i procrastinate. a nice routine i have going on.
the whole of last week i have been depressed, irritated, emotional, bitchy and been throwing attitude at practically everyone. in the process hurt many close to me. for this and more sorry. as always its me.. not you.
13 comments:
ok,i hear the turtle speaking...
but i sorta feel i myself am not in the position to talk about failure and rejection right now.....but will say this
i dont get it....u say u let ur parents/etc down...ok till that point...but why are u letting urself down by not acting??
once bitten twice shy.....ok..but nothings permanent remember....every moment is different....so dont stop trying
life is not set for anything....for rejection or failure...both are relative terms...when u try to get something....look at the small achievements u have made in the way....yes the end result is important....but so is the path...
expectations are there....always...sometimes from ur side ,sometimes from others.....its natural to expect...but yes things often "fall short"...actually they dont...its jus perspective remember?
so nothing wrong in expecting/desiring..atleast u know what u want.u know ur mind.u have goals.its better than not having any.
and when u dream/want something that bad....u shud be willing to work for it....no matter what the result.....its only from failures that u know what u shuldnt be doing.Its like perfecting ur castles in air by trial and error.
castles in the air are good....dont stop dreaming.they dont need foundations.they need faith and commitment to make them real.
we all have our struggles.
its not abt the struggle at all. its abt the coping.
*hugs*
I have faith in you, ull figure a way out.
@ sreicanth: i can trust u to analyse the whole post so damn rationally.. ;) well actually i am out of this mood now.. so am back to my normal awesomely cheerful self.. ;) right!
anyway ur right nothing in life is permanent. just like this mood, i will forget, learn, grow.. blah blah. point is.. last week was the longest i have ever been in such a 'lovely' mood. usually they are just passing phases..
anyway thanks for the analysis dr. rational! lol!
@thangu: love thanks for the faith. tht means more than anything! muah!
ok ...so we're back to 'lol'ing...good!..;)
and thanks for the honorary doctorate....;)
P.S:btw hows ur ipod feelin??
ur welcome(for the doctorate;).. and about the i pod..
;(((((((((((((
going this weekened to replace my faithful companion.. did not get time last week. so...
expectations suck
@ajeya: *sigh* couldnt have said it better myself
as always its me, not u..i like that last part..ok im not helping am i..?!
@ icy highs: lol... like i said i have progressed from last weeks depression. btw an opinion is always appreciated.
If you are procastrinating..then better get your a$$ on your work!
Your frustration clearly shows on your blog.
Expectations suck, as said earlier, but why dont you see it as something positive that you have to measure up to.
I cant say more, I am a terrible procastrinator and hv been through all this in my undergrad.
Cheers!
Jyothsana.
@ j sea:yeah u have hit the nail on the head... i have been putting off working on stuff/ homework/issues.. adding to my frustration.
about the expectations.. i dont think any one can judge anyone.. and personally i dont think i have to prove anything to anyone. so i dont see expectaions as too much of a positive thing.. expect maybe from myself...maybe.
thanks for stopping by..;)
Your last lines almost reminded me of Kurt Cobain.......
People expect from you only when they have committed their faith, their reputation unto you.
So I believe that there is nothing wrong when your parents, your teachers, your peers themselves build 'a castle in air' expecting from you.
You dont have to think about failure, you just have to be devoted towards making your effort; everything else is evanescent .
@ anonymous: kurt cobain?! lol...
im guessing u dnt think expectations ruin the beauty of life..?
i have accepted it as a part of life..
and how is everything else evanescent? i mean im making an effort towards something.. and u urself said people expect becoz of their faith in me.. so their expectations will weigh me down..
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