as the title suggests it is indeed my friends wedding that is going to take place some time next year... she has been wanting to get married for like the past two years and now that it is finally happening i think the enormity of the whole thing has just sunk in for her.. so has the panic
mind you this not louve marriage or anything.. its a very traditional 'proper' arranged marriage.. apparently they know the guys family well and they are very respectable people so my friend thinks, it should be 'ok'.
i have nothing to say about her choice.. because its her choice.. and she has been wanting to get married as a means of escaping the chaos at home... i just asked how will she escape the chaos at the 'new home'..?? if any but ofcourse..
arranged vs. love marriage which would u prefer..? i seriously dont know.. but i do know my parents would disinherit me.. and disown me if i even think about marrying any guy outside my caste (wtf!) let alone religion.. (which could be a reason why i keep telling them muslim men are hot (some are:). the look on my fathers face is worth it.) and love quite obviously does not come with any sort of caste/ religion barrier....
im very comittment( one 'm' or two?) phobic and when i think of marriage i think shackles.. loss of freedom.. i get dramatic and my mother just dies everytime we have this conversation. and more importantly i wonder if i can stay with one person my whole life?? i get bored very easily.. and its scary to assume that im going to get out of a comittment like marriage because i am 'bored'... yeah i can be fucking shallow.. (but these thoughts were eating my life for sometime.. had to vent... )
21 comments:
frankly i dont get the idea of "arranged" or "lo(u)ve" marriage
to me marriage is between ppl who love each other and wanna stay together....its jus the society that says "u ought to get married"...and the thing sets into ppl's minds.
(as far as i am concerned, theres only marriage...arranged or love suffixes are crap concepts,and make no sense)
but personally...i'd say marriage is same as "living in" (technically)...its jus that theres added pressure from various quarters...parents,society..etc.
that way its tougher than plain livin-in
also since theres no commitment(double-m!) thingy....i believe both of them can be more honest with each other.
and that way u know whether u wanna see the same face every mornin for the rest of ur life.
and "arranged" marriage is crappier...cause theres a lot of self sacrifice.maybe on both sides.(before u say...thats what loves all about, willin to give up somethin for the other person...i'd say its crap!)cause ur supposed to love the person as he/she is.thats compatibility.and so even in such situations livin in is better.
but this is india....and livin-in is like blasphemy...so 'love' marriage it is.(however crap that term means)
P.S: i'd feel like diswoning my dad...if he mentioned the words "arranged" marriage or "caste-bar"..... whats the bluddy caste thing now?!?.... its mindless/senseless.
u like it r not women r more possesive than men....... u get bored living wit a guy? think th other way ur guy gettin th same thought....... human being think only on their view like how things looks to them rather than looking at things how they really r
@anonymous: i never said that the guy i would be living with/ married to would not get bored wiht me... im not that vain dude.. and yeah its true that people in general would like to see things their way in life but it does not happen.
and yea women can be/ are possessive than the guys.. but u cant generalise.. i am speaking for myself here.
@ sreicanth: to u and me its senseless/mindless.. my father is well jus there.. so no comment on him... not out of respect or anything.. ;)
and as for the marriage thing.. yeah society sux the pressure that they put is two fold more than what u would get at home.. and hence i keep asking my mum why we keep even like looking upto them for approval. who the fuck constitutes society?? more importantly who the fuck cares..??
well its ok when u stand by your decision to marry or not.... but somewhere down the line it does occur to us that the relationship that u have has no name... what is that other person to you ? u know what he/she means to you...but what role is he/she playin in your life?....and then maybe at that point of time...u feel like u wanna marry,give it some sort of 'legitamacy' .... and then u buckle under pressure.the pressure within is what forces ppl in such cases more than the societal pressure....
jus wondering.
LoL..I tell my parents the same too just to freak them out abt Muslim Guys being hot.
In those good old young undergrad days(sheesh boy am I feeling old), I used to keep falling in love and out eventually.And also thought that marrying someone of a different religion was "cool"
At my place, come dinner time, not only were mouths filled with delicious food, but also with tales of how "love" marriages, outside one's religion (I refrain from using caste)always failed.My mom used to make sure that it got into my head that marrying someone outside's one religious background would always end in a fiasco.
Ofcourse, I had no reasons to believe so.
But then, marriage is more than the ceremonial rites and food.
Its about living togehter w/ that person all through your life.
Its just that the ways of living are same and you tend to gel in well and adjust to the new environment.Adjusting to someone after following your 20ish or so years of hard and fast rules is difficult.This could be one reason parents suggest marrying someone within ones background. Just for sake of making life easier ,simpler, and to avoid probable causes of clashes.
Disclaimer:-This is just a point of view, I do not necessrily endorse them.
Commitment is a big thing. It shldnt be taken for granted.
It comes w/ trust, again another big thing in life!
@ sreicanth: if u love that person so much why would what others say matter to u?? it never has for me.. so i dont think about buckling under societys pressure..( i personally dont need to prove anythign to anyone..) but maybe my own need to label things could make me wondr about marrying...
@ j sea: good to know others also louve to freak their parents out like i do.. its my morning ritual..
but yeah i kinda get why they would want me to marry someone from my own backgroud.. if its an arranged marriage.. but i have never listened to them.. so they are wondering what im going to do next..
actually even im wondering??
ma! comps finally workin...dont figure the tag thing anywhere tho. now for this one...figure we ve had quite a few hours of convo on this one. but i have to say the idea of marriage sickens me (esp. after all those feminism classes we had to take)and fear's another thing.
I'm reading a retelling of the ramayana(k, dont fall off the chair!) and the concept of marriage then was awesome. marriage was nt seen in the light of lifetime commitment...just a mode to procreation.so there really was nt any sort of commitment issues back then.
the concept now, in our lovely country, is full o crap coz everyone's cheating on their spouses left, right and centre...yet its totally okay. whats not okay is that the divorce rates in the west. would nt u rather break something u cant put up with instead of living with it for ever???
@ vysh : welcome ma.. loonngg time. hmmm not fallen of the chair and all... but just wondering.. actually a lot of these concepts started of with a purpose.. but over the years the purpose gets distorted and people bend the 'rules' to suit their ends.. think of the infamous 'caste system' or 'dowry'.. i think religion itself has lost meaning at the end of the day...
everyone professes to be religious.. but not a single soul can claim to to be humane?? then why live such a charade of a life?!
ohh and yeah its cool.. even if there is an extra marital affair we'll keep it wiht in the family.. 'what will poeple think'?!! losers.
@rebellious:thats exactly wat even i was sayin....the inherent desire to name/label realtionships...thats wat breaks down the people...turns them towards marriage.
you know it's funny, bordering on weird, i don't want to get married to anyone who's not the same religion as i! that doesn't stop me from thinking muslim guys are hot :-)
commitment .. is a weird thing too.. someone asked me something very interesting once, because i said commitment is a momentary thing, it's for the moment, like a feeling.. and he said commitment is for life, whether or not the context it was made in exists anymore. it basically boiled down to me saying commitment was relative/subjective.. and him saying commitment was hard and steadfast,unbending and unflexible. i think that's what scares most of us, that it's binding, (by choice, hopefully) ..! i'm in a committed relationship, which means, well.. i am technically supposed to understand commitment, but the way i see it, i am committed for now, for the next second, and the next few million seconds; unless otherwise explicitly specified/discussed that it should hold for the next zillion trillion seconds that is the rest of your life as well, should it be taken for granted..?!
and it's not shallow to have a low boredom threshold, this too shall pass :-) i still hv a low boredom threshold, but i've spent the last few years with the same guy, and still not bored!
@sreicanth: i think people feel comfortable belonging.. but why should that mean they have to get married..?! i don't understand the logic..?!
@schmetterling:madam...i neva said /meant that people shud get married...
as ms rebellious was sayin,i think its the our desire to name/label relstionships that makes us think of marriage.
i was jus tryin to analyse why ppl marry..tryin to find reasons.
personally i am very fine with two ppl belonging to each other.
and commitment.
its borders on being unconditional....being there for someone thru the thick and thin.and u dont need to be married to be committed.guess in that way it is unflinching more than unflexible.
marriage actually obligates the commitment part to an extent.thats wat sucks.
but i still do wonder why more women crave for marriage than the men (atlest thats wat it seems like).
is it for the certainity/permanance/legitamcy it brings to the relationship or it is jus the next logical level in love they wanna go to?
@schmetterling+rebellious:i really donno abt the boredom thingy ,its people specific.and u cant predict what the person will be like 20 yrs from now.but u would know no matter what even at that time u wanna be together or not.thats commitment.
@sreicanth: neither did i..!!i said, do they get married out of a sense of belonging, and maybe to prove to people other than themselves..?! it was a question..!!
@ anjan: the tickets ani't free dude u gotta contribute to the chaos! ;)
and nope i dont think im related to any avinash baliga.. the surname is pretty common so maybe it would seem we are related ...
@ schmetterling: very good point.. about commitment (hopefully right spelling) being subjective.. ;)
and about commitment being binding that is what scares me... coz i have a total anti-confrontation policy in any relationship. so i wont take the first step out if im in a relationship and its not working out.. ;(
@ hemu: lol.. marriage is boring. but what is exactly is the mechanism of love/ hate relationship??
hmm about the faith in ones self.. yeah i think i agree.. if u dont have enough faith in yourself then any relationship can be a sure fire failure....
@baliga: ouch, anti confrontation makes you less ..well.. in control. i'm not saying you have to be at the helm of things 24/7 ..but being in control and in touch with your feelings might be a lot more easier way to deal with things/situations ..such as getting bored really easily..! it's a nice place to be as long as it lasts ;-)
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