my way on the highway!

sadness. disapointment.anger. all directed towards me is not exactly helping the situation. come the new year its time to take the initiative. it is my life after all. im done with the meandering. i need to find my direction, and STICK to it.

*cheers*

to new beginnings! even if its not the best of decisions a change of scenery is always good.

ilove!

a weekend not well spent

time out

ever felt that time is running out? and in that panic you make decisions that arent exactly smart but seem "right" for the moment your in?

all the small things

sometimes being petty gives you such immense satisfaction that you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture! (which at that point seems like the best plan of action.)

cyclic.

sometimes i feel like i am searching. always searching. from tangible to the intangible. for that nice top. for a good buy. for that elusive peace of mind. i wish sometimes things will be like a magic show. tada and you have it. or you dont have it. the suspense is over in a few minutes. i have learnt that i hate waiting. waiting for people, for an event, anything. just generally hate waiting. the anticipation of things is a whore. cause it leads to expectations which is the mother of all bitches.

wanting /searching - waiting - anticipation - expectation - disappointment. root of all causes is my want. now to attempt to curb it.

having my cake and DEF eating it too!

so i have had a cupcake obsession for a while. seeing numerous cupcakes (dreams and otherwise) pictures i started to ask people where to get them from. i finally managed to get hold of a lady near my house who will make them for me. 12/15 at a time. and she made the cutest ones i have seen. they are all vanilla flavored with various icing options! i have learnt from various cupcake trials that i like the gooey heart/artery clogging ones the best! if your going to die might as well enjoy a taste of heaven!

next week brownie with fudge icing trial!

need. a. happy. place.

just when i thought i was capable of emotional detachment i go and do the stupidest thing. get emotionally attached. i did not even know that i can hurt so much. the pain is not just about physical distance but ironically emotional as well. i do not know why i keep pushing and pulling so much. i give and try not to expect, but that rarely happens. i dont even know how to articulate this. which is a first for me.

the themes are recurrent, the emotion is always the same. the need is always the same. to move to happier place i think i need a physical change. environment wise. people wise. job wise.

how does some one stop reminding you of the past. the good/bad/ugly whatever. i get the fact that you decide how much some one affects your life. how do you wrest that control over your life from some one?

my ego wants gratification. my heart craves stability and assurance. my head needs independence.

how many people can provide all that and still stay invested in me?

(do i dare say) in us?

fini

why is it that some people affect your life even though you no longer have any contact with them? you try so hard to distance yourself from them. try to stop letting them affect you, yet the smallest thing they do depresses you? puts you out of sorts and you obsess about it till eternity or worse blog about it. its probably called closure. but i don't know how to get there. i desperately crave it. add to those woes everyone knows everyone in this shitty city. and this small world phenomenon is getting a bit too old for me. and too close for comfort.

i really wish peace of mind could be bought.

what do i want?

is it ok to have regrets? cause i dont think i have had any. i always feel things happen for a reason. but off late i regret somethings i have done, and wish i could undo them. or work them out differently.

if you knew the ending would you change the way you behaved/ acted/ lived through/with something or someone?

sales pitch

when your in deep shit is when you would know who your friends really are. and more importantly its brings things into perspective. a better perspective at least. stuff i used to obsess and worry about do not matter much to me. and small things that people do makes all the difference. i think my new year resolution is to never sell my self short. i deserve my shot at happiness, stability and peace of mind and its overdue.

free falling.

so i visited the blog world after a while. i love the new template. i love colors. i am not be feeling too colorful off late but color is very uplifting in general.

so london happened. and it was a two week vacation. more like a b'day gift types. the b'day by itself was fun, but this was awesome. it was the awesomest thing in a while. the food, the traveling, shopping!! all amazing. super depressing to sit in chennai after all the amazing things out there in the world. will some one in london employ me??

next on the agenda is that everyone ( meaning all my people) are leaving! spore/ new york/ UK. very depressing. but things have to change, people will move on.

also i have become healthier. its takes a hard, hard fall to scare the fuck out of you. and that's what happened. and now i am at a much better place. and i am happy to be there. i am not uncomfortable. i care less what others think. and i have putting myself a little before.

i am cooking. a lovely thangu got me hooked on to stir fry's, so when i don't like mums cooking i make stir fry's and that is making all the difference. bought new work out shoes, and resistance bands. hope to work out relatively frequently with them. :D

work wise its hitting rock bottom. when everything seems to go smoothly something will suck the joy out of it all. need a new job. it should be ok. but yesh.

home front the brother is back! and its aweesome to have the giant around. never even realised how much i missed him.

more updates when i am feeling more articulate.

hello :)

so london has finally CALLED!! :D

life's lessons.

when will i ever learn? " to expect is to get sucker punched, almost every time". " to let your guard down is to set your self up for the sucker punch".

*SIGH*

hey there

hello,

so i have taken to nail polish in a big way. current fav colours being purple and black. wanting orange and bright pink soonly.

other than that been obsessively watching The Hills since its so informative. have not read anything worth while... recommendations welcome.

bombay trip happening end of the month. and fingers crossed london in june. :)

k bye.

one wedding and a fuck all sprain.

soooo over last weekend i sprained my ankle (missing a step at satyam) sat on it. got up to get kapi thinking i am a.ok, fainted. got up watched the rest of the movie then limped to the doctor. its just a sprain. but looked pretty damn ugly.

i am also all weddinged out. had a close friend/boss's wedding. coz of sprain was limping around some more. but was super fun. yummy food, and decent company. but the amount of money BLOWN at the wedding makes me a little sick. but i think we all have our varying limits when it comes to money spent. which in a way depends on your upbringing and to some extent your "social/financial status". anyway, will mish aforementioned weddinged friend. muah love and kisses for her.

ankle much better. saw a bunch of movies since i was bed ridden for a bit.

hurt locker - didnt like

green zone - loved!

alice in wonderland - sorely disappointed.

the rebound - uhh chick flick.

date night - oookkkkk.

how to train your dragon - LOVED it.

k thats all i can remember now. bye.

stuff

if your unswervingly loyal, is it fair to expect the same?

we might as well be strangers.

what is an appropriate amount of time to wait for something/someone?

two sides of the same coin?

what would suck more someone your dating sleeping with some one else or falling in love with some one else?

shut down

what is it about a fever that makes us all like little babies? maybe its the viral infection coursing through that makes us feel vulnerable. but being sick makes me cranky. irritable.(insert all other synonyms for cranky here), emotional. very weak (maybe this has to do with my low tolerance levels for pain) and just over all sad and miserable. its worse when my mother is not there. (like now).

a) because there is no food, since grandma cant cook to save her life.

b) no one to fuss over you. its probably the only time in my life where i like the attention.

c) worse when you got to get into work. that just blows.

it makes me think. what if i was staying alone, then who would do all of the above? depressing thought. makes me also realize how much i take my mum for granted.

the thrill of the chase

how often is it just about the chase? as opposed to the object or person (as the case maybe)? is it a bad thing to be in it for the chase?

what if there is a role reversal and you become the prey?

once upon an april

i read a post on how to "break up" with a friend on a friends blog that got me thinking on what kind of friends do i have? type introspective questions, and random epiphanies. and...

i think we have different relationships with different people. platonic or otherwise. there are some friends who you might not have met, texted, im'd, called them in months, maybe years. but when you do call them you just pick up from where you left off. the comfort level is something altogether. quite difficult to explain.

then there are those who need constant attention. and when you haven't spoken to them in days it seems like you are miles apart. maybe it has to do with a lack to mental/emotional connection.

some have been your school/ childhood friends for years. literally decades. but life takes you on different paths i guess. and those years don't seem to make enough of an impact to make you "want" to keep in touch. or make any effort in preserving the friendship.

sometimes you even have people who fall into the random category. who you might be in touch with constantly but don't really fall into any particular category. they may not be your best friend. significant other. or family. just people who you meet randomly and sometimes even make a deep impact on your life.

maybe the point is that different people affect your life differently (duh..lol). and their impact is felt sometimes when they leave, at times when they "get" your back when you least expect it, at times when you stab you back..again when you least expect it. How you react to these various experiences depends on probably how deep you thought your relationship was. I have felt all of these above in the span of 6 months. and emotions from surprise, to joy, to sadness, to betrayal and deep deep pain.

but the good news time is a great healer. or at least diminishes the pain. the lump in the throat will get easier to swallow. and soon disappear all together.

here is to all my chicas and hombres :) who have been there through the good, bad and ugly. and to those who have not really been on their best behavior, well... your pmsing is not really my problem. :D

analyze this.

sometimes I over think and over analyze simple statements. i was never really a person like this. i used to take things at face value, and try as much as possible not to read things that may or may not have been there. but over the past few years i have changed. for the better or for worse i don't really know. sometimes i can be very objective about my personality/character traits, and sometimes very subjective.

i have moved on from the petty thing i could be (and probably was) in college. at least for the most part. become more indifferent. less indifferent when it concerns certain things/people. super sensitive at times. more emotional. scared. understanding. confused. selfish.

i want all my friends to be with you. considering each is migrating to another new country. i want to be happy. more importantly peace of mind.

each night is spent in analyzing different things. and end with some depressing thought. but the morning is inevitably a new day where i am upbeat (craving kapi) but overall ok.

think maybe yoga would help??

meet me halfway??

i dont think i am in any mood to sacrifice. anything. but ill think about a compromise. et tu??

:D :D

You Are Silver

You are down to earth and unpretentious. You don't feel like you need to show off, and you're very secure with your place in the world. You are understated and elegant. You carry yourself with poise, and you're more known for what you don't do than what you do. You can fit in anywhere from a country western bar to a black tie gala. You are adaptable and adventurous. You are blind to social class and background. You see people as who they are ... not as where they came from or how much money they have.

wheeeeeeeee

You Are an iPhone

You are one of those early adopter, super geek chic types. You like a gadget that has a ton of features to fuel your tech obsessions. You tend to know the inner workings of every toy, phone, and computer you own. You’re always exploring and learning. You want the most leading edge phone you can find, at almost any cost. You’re usually the first one in line for the latest iPhone!

boredom part 5

You Love to Talk About Ideas

You like your conversations to be deep and meaningful. You are not a big fan of small talk. You are open to all sorts of conversation topics, especially if they are unique or interesting. You love it when a conversation takes you somewhere unexpected. You will talk about anything, even if it's controversial or weird. You aren't shy about speaking your mind. You may shock people with what you're willing to talk about, but at least it's more interesting than discussing the weather. hmmm quite true.

HAHAHAHA!!

Your Inner Gender is Male

You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant. You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness. You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men. No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside.

part three

You Are 30% Hyper

You aren't exactly hyper, but no one would accuse you of being lazy either. You have enough drive to get everything done - with energy to spare. You don't get overly worked up or rushed. You'll happily take your time. And you definitely enjoy your down time. You can only be hyper for so long. Unlike more hyper types, you don't have a ton of interests and friends. You prefer concentrating on what matters to spreading yourself too thin.

boredom part deux

You Are Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that. (this does ring true :P)

boredom part.1

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

"they count on me to be strong when they are weak. But who's strong for me when i'm weak?"

if you don't act on what you say then your words don't really mean much do they??

iPhone

the title is self explanatory. **SIGH** :D :D :D

something old/ something new.

i have often wondered how people can forget their friends just because they are in romantic relationships. your friends have been there through the good, bad and the ugly. they have stood by you through your bad hair days, fat days and no money in the wallet days. they don't care what your bank balance looks like. or the fact that you might need five layers of make up to look presentable. they are unwaveringly loyal, and get your back almost every damn time.

i get your boyfriend/ girlfriend/husband/wife means a lot to you etc. but there comes a problem when you make some one your world (as opposed to a part of it). what will you do when the world comes crashing down? who is going to hold your hand when the going gets tough?

my friends are one of the best things that ever happened to me. and are my most favourite people in the world. they ground me. make me laugh. wipe my tears when im sad. and hold my hand and will continue to hold it through the good, bad and the ugly.

i know i dont really say it enough but they mean the world to me. thank you! :D

thought for the day

what other people think about you is none of your business.

organised chaos

first off i realised that i would be turning 25 this year. which is fucked up. cause 25 seems all old and grown up. i would have figured my life out. been in the line of my choosing. maybe made some step towards getting some place of my own. (ha. ha)

but its no where close to that. i still feel like i am drifting in and out of things. and that i am still so impulsive, that sometimes nothing seems sacred. and i like my job. but i dont think i love it. and as for getting my own place, i dont think that would be happening soon. i dont particularly feel responsible. or old. in my head i feel young (hence got the license to not take things too seriously)...

part 2: i miss my brother. its fun to have him around. he is family. and maybe even my grandma (mum's mum).

i dont really know if 2010 is going to be a good year. 2009 sucked ass towards the end. in a way things did even out. and that which has not killed me, has only made me stronger. but i dont want to have any high expectations from it.. dont really want to be shot down again.

and a question : do all good things come to an end??

hmmm..

do you think sometimes some one might be happier without you in their lives?

(not everyone are of the opinion that everything happens for a reason, no regrets in life.. blah)

q&a's

question: if your in a fucked up mood, is it fair to take it out on the people around you?

in the sense do you expect people to understand you, there by assuming you have the license to be the bitch??

(i would like to think that when i pms i hole up in my room and not meet people; thereby not transferring the love around. but i need to do a small survey to know the truth)

a whole new world

i wonder what it is like when some one makes you their entire world. might get a tad boring. since i like people with a backbone, and varied interests from mine. but everyone once in a while it just might be flattering to think your worth all that. to be that important that some one changes plans just to be with you, or do whatever you want to...

its amazing to have that bond with people where you can be honest and not be afraid to be yourself. or be afraid to open up cause your scared they might leave. or worse get hurt.

though lesson learnt the hard way pain and an adversary that does not kill you, will definitely make you stronger. maybe more vengeful even.

p.s: im still waiting for the words to turn into actions. and then maybe i can trust you.