confessions of a coffee junkie......

well well... we are back to that time of the year again.... resolution time... and introspection.... two of my least favourite activities..as they raise many questions but no answers!! (atleast im honest!)

well the year has gone by and what have i done with it?? progressed..yes most certainly... grown up.... i hope so....


INTEROSPECTION:


well some of the things i have done with 365 days:

1. made new friends...this is a big thing for me... i dont trust people easily so..... score one for me.
2. i am finally doing soemthing i want to.... and actually enjoying the process of learning...
3. downloaded awesome music courtesy friends...and because of my love for it....
4. partied hard.... ;)
5. blogged... and in the process grown up and made new friends.... and well percieved a lot more.
6. had my first modelling experience and what an experience it was....
7. learnt how to stitch under pressure....and not crumble under the pressure...score 2.
8. kept in touch with my closest friend though states seperated us....its so damn easy to get 'out' of touch...damn!
9. read more books....more indian fiction, more classics, harry potter....and quite a bit of shit in the process...
10. learnt to appreciate hindi music again....
11. dropped my very expensive cell phone quite a bit of times and now trying to sweet talk dad into getting me a new one! hahaha ;)
12. relations with parents have reached an all time low.... sad i know....but im not trying any more.
13. but gotten closer to my brother though that is a huge plus point... we are a tag team duo... hehe....
14. learnt to say no more forcefully and effectively might i add....
15. used abusive language more than polite conversation would permit!! hahaha..... and still do ( so sue me!)

RESOLUTIONS:

1. learn to drive!!
2. not take people for granted... i have lost too many that way...
3. go to mangalore. soon.
4. make a sincere effort to be in touch with friends...old and new...
5. throw out my present teacher at college. bitch.

that is it for now. will get back as to how many of those were effective.....

lo...behold.

there are certain moments in a person's life when in one second or even lesser than that, previously amibiguous thoughts, actions and words suddenly make sense.... its more commonly known as a moment of epiphany.....

well iv had many of these and the regret that follows these 'moments' is momentous in itself... *sigh*.....

well the most memorable is when i was thinking of a name for my blog.... many cliches came to mind...but then lo behold this name struck me...it is very me...the concept of destruction aimed at one'self..just to prove one measly point...yeah more often than not its not worth it but...well

as i write this another epiphanic?? moment strikes me straight in the head...... i realise that i set myself up for disappointment...i dont want to get close to people yet i crave for that elusive familiarity with people, that it is almost frightening.... im like when did i get so clingy??!!!!

i do this time and again...get close then cut and back away....very self destructive tendencies....its like i want it all on my own terms and if i dont get the way i want it then fuck offf....im not interested.

as i write this yes i understand i sound shallow, but that is not where im coming from... i think essentially its insecurity talking here...and need for self preservation above all else.

a very epiphanous day over all i must say...

groupism

now that the feel good 100th post is over back to the angst that im more familiar and comfortable with....

p.s : point to be noted is that judgment is not being passed on anyone...these are mere observations that have been made... and i just felt the need to vent.... so no offence mean't. so hopefully none taken.


.........was talking with my friend today and was wondering why it is that most of the parents in my generation seem to have sort of...like given up on their children.... there have been two extremes in behaviour.

group one: they collectively give up on their children like collectively...just say fuck it..and well as a result sex, drug rock 'n' roll...and god knows what all.... the consequences of which will be experienced in the years to come.

group two: well they continuously doubt their childrens ability to learn, grow...there by creating an environment of mistrust and bitter resentment... well my parents belong to this group... and yeah im dying to leave.... the psychological repercussions of this are aldready being felt... i am no longer interested in communicating with my parents. i do not like my family... and there by effectively i donot have a support system.....as personally i feel that there can be no relationship without trust.
so when the trust does not exist then what is the guilt in breaking it???


of course there are those eclectic people who do not belong to any one category....they sort of seem to find the balance and there by keeping some semblance of a family together.

the thing about this whole situation that disgusts is the complete hypocrisy that has become synonymous with the indian family/ middle class.

the most frequently asked 'what will people think?' like who the fuck cares what people think?? whose life it?? and there by with such nonsensical excuses the family members are effectively trapped in a never ending cycle of hatred, resentment and bitterness..
the concept of openness and honesty does not exist.

rather than watching their children grow up i would humbly ask the parents themselves to 'grow up'.

its partay time!!

well this is my 100th post... yeah!! not that i am too excited but yeah blogging is one thing that has kept me sane through this completely, insanely stressful year....

first and foremost college exams are almost over...and tomorrow officially we are planing to throw out our teacher...cause she sucks.

then i hope to get to spend more time with the people i like....hoping your reading this thangu....and tika ......it is awful to know that both these 'homies' of mine had come down to chennai ages ago but i couldnt meet up with them cause of my exams and other things...

anyway as of tomorrow good times will be here to stay... as i am not going to college till they replace that loser we call a teacher!

and yeah plan to explore the meagre nightlife that chennai has to offer and dance the night away...but these are all plans made in heaven! in reality im tired with these exams and actually just want to curl up and sleep...and read...eat.....tv!!!.....music.....blog.....read.....watch movies....meet tika and thangu... oh yeah and maybe finally move my ass to gym...yeah right.

like i have said before i am a simple girl.....small things keep me happy... the rest are all but frills that just make life a more attractive prospect.

anyway heres to successfully lasting almost a year and completing a 100 posts...cheers.*clink* ;)

fight club

how often is the fight not worth the effort??
its very easy to back out...
but to invest in a relationship....then back out...
there is no winner.

im walking away from the troubles in my life....
but for how long is what im wondering..*sigh*

disconnected.....

looked outside your 'busy' life??
while your making money....life is passing by...
its called priorities....double check yours.
get them straight...and through your skull..
work hard. party harder.
nice philosophy.
living or existing is the question.
or better yet do not answer that,
your face says it all....
working. saving for that rainy day..
day to day....year after year.
now the rainy day is here..
you are enjoying the hard work..
i guess not.
life is calling.
where are you?

en vogue....

well yesterday was an experience!

a close friend begged me to model for some of the designs that she had to showcase for a contest.... being the sucker that i am for friends i agreed....
in the process had a whole new experience, made some friends, enjoyed myself, and shed some inhibitions ..

to begin with the choregraphy started at 11.30 a.m..... and the sequence formation was being taught and described.....

1. point one i cannot walk on high heels.
2. i am not comfortable in over the top sexy clothes....(uhhh yes im guessing u get the drift..)
3. and the last but most important point being the drape round whcih was the first one did not ALLOW me to wander around the stage pouting to the audience.... the drapes would freakin fall off me!

oh did i mention the rest of the 5 models had modelled before and i was a novice at this????!!!!!!

anyway as the day progressed i was given a pair of wedge sandals so that i would not fall during the 2 minutes i had to make a stage appearance!! and i wore them the whole day.. the blisters i have today is testimony to that fact!!

lunchtime came by which time the rest of the models and i had built up a good rapport and were pretty comfortable with each other...

now here comes the biggest myth that models dont eat or starve themselves....maybe a few do... but for us lunch was pizza hut pizza's, garlic bread( cheese of course!), pepsi( NOT diet), and icecream... 2 tubs of it among 6 of us.....will post up pics to back up these' outrageous' claims.

then the make up session started.... now this was a revelation for someone who does not use anything but kajal and the occasional lipstick. i will describe the layers in grest detail:

1. layer one is moisturizer.
2. then base. LOTS of it. my face looked a tad too lifeless after the base coat!!
3. then the concealer to take care of our dark circles and blemishes if any. then add water to blend everything.
4. then the powder.
5. blush.
6. mascara.
7. kajal.
8. eyeshadow.
9. lipstick.
10. then a final coating of powder to 'seal' everything in place!!

did i mention this process is fondly called as war paint?? also i must mention the process took like 20 minutes to complete and over 25 minutes to emove at the end of the show!!!

the reaction to the new me??? "different..","maybe you should stand in the light then we can get a better look!".....right!!!!!!

then came the hairstyling which for me by god's grace was pretty simple just a little gel then i was done.

then came the best part the draping. which took hours. and i was poked, pinned, stapled and what not. btw all concept of modesty, decency, and decorum was left outside the dressing room.

everyone was screaming, yelling, harried, stressed, stripping, changing, and getting draped into the elaborate costumes.

then came the first round, and then the second. im not goin into great detail because.... it was all a blur to me, i remeber the judges, my friends mum smiling at me, my frozen look, and well the camera bulbs flashing...... of yeah and we all forgot a sequence......

my friend did not win.... yet i thought she did a phenomenal job considering the time constraints, and the model changes and all.... and i thought her outfits were the best!! hehehe. and the model too..(but of course)..

at the end of the day i learnt more than i would ever learn if i just sat on my arse at home and watched tv.

let me be........

i am what i am.
what i am mean't to be.
circumstances, events and people...influence me.
i am the one who chooses...
life or death, happiness or misery,
friends or enemies, good or bad.
every decision is born from a choice.
right or wrong is just a matter of perspective.
worship me, or cast me aside....
but, respect my right to have, an, opinion.
and respect the fact that i have one.
donot talk down to me.
i am not, dumb..or deaf, or blind.
its just that my indifference is mistaken for arrogance.

let the past be.
let the differencesgo,
let it all just rest.
and, please...let me be!

friends for life.

well what can i say about the two weeks that i have spent?? well i have partied, danced the night away,been involved in fights galore...blah blah blah. in the process made new friends. i do not know them well but yeah we have had fun....

usually me being well me....i would not usually go for any of this.....but yeah i have opened up a bi more and that has made all the difference.

so i guess here's to life! *cheers*

what do i say about college?? it sucks.

my classmates are the only reason i even venture out of the house.....anyway that is it for now.

aashiq banaya aapne...

my recent craze in music genres seems to be hindi music. 2 months back i would not have known the heroes now i know the lyrics to the songs!! this could also be because hindi musik these days has a hip hop flava! my fav song over the past few months is "aashiq banaya aapne" - slow version. i have to specify this as most of these songs have a disco version or remix that could get very annoying!

the words of this song are very beautiful, and i feel that somehow songs in the regional languages are more poignant and meaningful, and perhaps more soulful than english numbers. this particular song comes from a movie of the same name. now the movie i would not watch (not even if you paid me). but i have listened to the song over a hundred times. i serious here.

maybe its a passing craze like the hip hop craze i had. short of thinking i was one of the homies i was into 'da music'. the music is what drwas me towards songs...and there is something truly haunting about the music and the way the song has been sung.

the beauty of the song lies in its simplicity, sincerity and honesty of the words. after a looonnnggg time a hindi song im listening to time and again.

Puddle Of Mud!!!

well i learn't today that i have been reacting all my life!! i am not doing anything very drastically different now..but...atleast i learnt a bit more. i react to people, incidents, emotions, actions.....well you get the drift. and i also follow the motto: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. hence the very self explanatory title self destructive rebel.

now that i have learnt this of myself i wonder if im going to change...at all... i do understand that its human to react but when the reactions control my emotions...i guess i know im in over my head! every time i ponder wether the action/ reaction is right or wrong....and it does not help that im indecisive as hell. weighing in the pros and cons time and again, the time to react/act would have passed. thereby effectively leaving me with no choice.

so... i drift along...sometimes i feel i epitomise the modern day hamlet, to be or not to be.....now that is a damn good question!

hello.....

well its been some time since i have raved and ranted in this 'very' public blog. but anyway... hey to one and all i have been marooned at home due to the incessant rains like the rest of chennai has..over the past week. anyway my good buddy thangu has come down to namma cennai waiting to meet her, and wellllll....SHOP!!

and i need some help please. any suggestions would do. well i have a mood board to sumit....and my theme is 'synthesis' (the perfect meeting of land and sea, harmonious at times but at times violent........but essentially mutual.....)

now the help part : i need to depict this through pictures any advice??? i have run out of ideas....any help would be appreciated.

anyway that is it for now. bye.

killing me softly......

the great indian joint family has a purpose apparently. a family in general is a support system where trust, loyalty and respect are the pillars on which it stands. festivals are occassions where the family comes together to celebrate and part-take in the festivities, shoving aside differences, and misunderstandings. but what if the one system you count on is more corrupt and vengeful than the world you face / hide from as the case maybe??!!

ok enough of the third person writing. by now anyone reading this post would have known im talking about 'my' family!! ( big surprise)

its amazing how one small change can bring down a pack of cards, so carefully arranged. strong and structured in appearance on the outside, but hollow, and without stability or substance from the inside. this is a fitting metaphor for the world that i inhabit (be it in family or the habitat i dwell in). please do note: these are not bitter rantings, but almost cynically detatched observations. my friends would know. i would like to believe that i am not apart of that system, so PLEASE indulge me. this is my diwali gift to myself.

anyway....the cards i was telling you about...well the small change came yesterday, the day before the great indian festival diwali. a small naughty, ball of fur a fawn coloured 29 day old puppy. who we decided to name gubby ( short for greedy gubbins - a personality trait). we ( bro, dad and me) got him as a gift for my mum, an animal fantic. my grandparents (but, ofcourse!!) detested him.i think unconditonal love scares them. they cannot control the puppy with money, or manipulate its affection hence they cannot dictate who the puppy loves or dislikes.

around 11 in the night the dislike manifested into hatred for the poor defenseless creature. ultimatums were issued (the dog or us), threats (you can all leave the house), and omnious silences and glares punctured the aldready polluted air. you would think we bought home the devil wouldnt you??

then dawned the beautiful diwali morning, and it was an unspoken decision that the puppy would have to leave. all this despite copious tears and promises to care for him from my side.

i am very upset, sad, angry and frustrated. not at my grandparents (them i hate), but at my father. this is the man who runs a company that exports products, he has hundreds of workers working under him. and this man could not speak one word in defense of the poor puppy. not one. he just said :"bapma (grandma) wants the dog gone and thats it....thats final" whatever happened to sticking by the ones you love?? im guessing poeple in my house have never heard that charity begins at home. there is no plausible reason why they would not want to keep the dog. we have a huge house, servants, people at home all the time, and a huge garden.....u name it. but there seems to be a shortage of love over the past 20 years or so. so maybe that is it.

the puppy has gone. everyone is acting as if he never came home...except me. i am heartbroken that he has gone. i can still smell him on my t-shirt. i was the one feeding him at 4 in the morning, and cleaning his piss and lulling him to sleep. i am devastated by his loss. his absence speaks more than his presence ever did.

i know i will get over him. like all things in life time will heal, or maybe out of sight out of mind...

but what really haunts me?? what really makes me want to curl up and die?? the fact that no one else would stand up for the 30 -day-old puppy. and they call themselves a family.

fuck you all.

incomplete!

hey.......

today was my full first day in college without my buddy...well it was ok, not bad today since we did not have a class as such.... we painted the class walls woth poster paints due to lack of funds...and patience to fight with the administration.

so we painted stars, diwali lamps, and some crap tht one of my classmates thinks is 'modern art'. its modern alright but art.........;) and then we turned out attention to the glass partitions, and used 'my' paints (note emphasis) and left our everlasting (its poster colors!!) hand impressions on the partitions!!

then we had a competition where we had to design a textile swatch , woth product placement, construction details blah , blah, blah..... and we were like we just started the damn course biatch... anyway the theme was minimalism in contemporary art. and well some of my class mates had never heard of minimalism as the swatches were as oppulent as hindi film ghagras!! but hey wat the hell its their interpretation. we had fun though.

tom is day one of proper college after ;like a month of starting college at various timings like 9, 9.30, 8.30......tom onwards college starts at sharp 8!! so no more sleep. one sleep depreived zombie coming up! and we need to finish our garment construction etc from tom onwards. watever the fuck.

anyway really tired. goodnight.

bleed like me.

you want my trust, faith...my soul.
yet you don't give anything in return.
you want love, lust and longing..
yet, you don't show anything in exchange.

either i give all or nothing at all.
if you would only meet me halfway....
then perhaps we would not, be at this point
i am willing to give...
give in, if necessary.
yet........

its not getting what you want,
its wanting what you got.....

a myriad facets.

"there are a thousand reasons not to go.

you know them all.

there is only one reason to go...

and you know it too.

its called life.

don't waste it counting to thousand everyday.

just do it." - (behind the cover of a book i have)

why is it that the forces in the universe conspire to create an event in your life only to remove its essence later on?? is it to give you a taste of what all life can offer you?? sort of like a fucking twisted version of baskin robbins 31 flavours?!! maybe 'they'(the forces)believe in the philosophy its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. whatever happened to the good ol' ignorance is bliss?? uh?? anyone? *sigh*

the reason behind this self imposed depression and angst is that my good friend and saviour in college is shifting to another college. the reasons are numerous enough to warrant another post. anyway....i was wondering how i am going to motivate my self to go to college from next week onwards. earlier atleast she was there. someone to laugh with, bitch with, and moan with (but of course) and well basically do everything with.

its amazing how soon i can get attached to people, and things, and events. i never pictured myself in my own mind as sentimental or overly emotinal. but i guess you learn something new about yourself everyday..... but this attachment to objects animate and inanimate is scary. whoever came up with the concept of loved and lost never included the concept of heartache and pain.

here i am not just talking about my one friend but all my friends over the due course of my student life and otherwise. it is very sad and scary cause in college we remain inseperable and make promises of keeping in touch yet ......time and life in general i guess have other plans for us. and well from then on taking timeout becomes a chore. then friends become mere memories to be admired in photo albums and, objects to become nostalgic over.

i dont even understand the need to meet to part ways!! ok maybe its a test to test strength of charcter, maybe fate, destiny whatever you may call it. i donot understand the concept. and more importantly i donot have any solution to it. ( me and my need for control)

when i started college itself i was very disconcerted to have to make friends all over again. its very demandng to bare your soul open everytime. and have it trampled over. and to be nice to people all over again.

i crave routine. yet routinely get bored with it. yes yes i know contradictory is my middle name. routine is nice at times. safe. yeah that was the word i was looking for. often safety becomes synoymous with boring. well at times the mind needs a safe haven to retreat to when cornered. or in case the experiment backfires...... so hence my need for safety and stability.

well to conclude i have to say thank you my friend for enriching my life and brightening up my day for the past two months and being my safety zone. wish you all the best at the new college.

*muah*.

" there are a thousand reasons not to go,

you know them all.

there is only one reason to go,

and you know it too.

its called life.

don't waste it counting to thousand everyday,

just do it!"

flipside

well reading a post written by a friend made me think. and well i came to this conclusion. she had written about the lack of a relationship between the teacher and a student in spore. well sweetheart there are two sides to the same coin.

case no 1 well we mass bunked on one bright sunny morning, and the teacher panicked. cause she would get axed so she called us on our cell's (yes we chat) and asked us to move our asses to college. point being most of us did go as she guilt tripped us into coming. thereby successfully spoiling our beautifully planned rebelion

point is that a relationship/s as the case maybe have their plus points and their minus points. sometimes we get too emotinally attached, sometimes detached.

but i guess its up to us to decide if the relationship is worth the heartache or not.

wake me up when the damn week is over.

well the week went by pretty fast. but ask me the same question during the week then i would have stared blankly at you besides hurling abuse...... this week we are going to learn the art of making a mood board and we are going to make 14 types of mood boards in class. a mood board is like a collage where you can draw, paint, color, stick picture etc....its to draw inspiration when we actually begin creating outfits or garments or whatever.

the weekend was boring...tika came home. looking at her sitting on my bed eating bondas, having coffee and all like we used to back in college reminds me of the old times. the dozens of times we have sat in the same position opposite each other in my bedroom..talking about everything or nothing at all. itjust says how comfortable you are with someone, when you dont have to talk at all....to fill the silence.

anyway my teacher is down with chicken pox! i like her but atleast we do not have afternoon class for sometime!! but im positive this will be compensated wth classes on satrudays after she recovers!! sooobbb. but atleast this buys us some more time to do our patterns, and illustration drawings. ;)

that is it for now. bye.

Update

lack of sleep really kills my day. i slept very late yesterday, and HAD to get up early today as we are having a guest lecturer till next week ( btw we have a project also due next week!!, and i dont know the topic. figures naa??). anyway...point being now im really sleepy and just want to laze around, and then it will be one vicious cycle till the end of the week. and then ill be spoiling my weekend!! sob!!

anyway my good buddy tika is coming down this friday. really looking forward to unwinding with the ladies. and just chilling out. and she will be pleased to know that im enjoying what im doing. since she keeps telling (unsuccessfully) to enjoy what i have.

i guess its not about getting what you want, but wanting what you got. ummmm.....
nice philosophy. anyway practicing it time and again. a huge improvement from last year!

btw does anyone know how to delete the damn unwanted comments that appear on the posts ??? any advice will be appreciated!

Q & A.

acceptance is hard.
i cannot comprehend the question..
let alone formulate an answer.
as i grasp at vague obstacles..to stall answering
you are waiting....
perhaps for that elusive answer,
perhaps for me to fail.

yes. i am at a loss for words.
but, there are a myriad different options in my mind.
i won't disappoint. i have failed.
i donot know all the answers.
as said before i donot understand the question.
perhaps i am waiting for myself to accept the failure.

i donot know.
maybe will never know.
..or rather not admit.
but for the moment........
i dont understand the question.

OH GOD !

well hello again.

for a few days now i have been suffering from writers block. or maybe its just a mental block. anyway i havent been upto much in terms of exciting events or social dos. on contrary i have been sitting at home reading, and listening to music.

well i finally read 'the da vinci code' ( yes tika finally!) and well i found it interesting. a lot of facts and dan brown has gone to great lengths to ensure authenticity of the facts. well that in itself is a commendable feat. but i think that the plot is a bit too 'far fetched'? yeah maybe that is the word. and towards the end i was expectng the usual suspects to b apprehended. and i was not disappointed.

the book again illustrates the length that a man would go for his faith. like its said in the book faith and money are great motivators. but the whole concept of religion ( not just christianity) gets distorted as you progress furthur. man's greed and quest for power is well sickening and horrifying at the same time. this book further consolidates my personal belief that religion is merely a means to control the masses. and it is very disconcerting to find progandas being promoted in the name of god.

from the gutters.. to the stars.

a million miles away.
i am talking.. yet....
you dont listen.
gazing beyond.
you have lost interest.
i want you. yet pride does not allow.
stop the meaningless talk.
i' m walking.
but i guess you dont see.
for youre a million miles away...

freedom of speech!

today we had a huge debate in college if life skills should be taught or not. the questions, accusations, and insults flew hard and fast. many of us felt that we rather learn things the hard way than be taught how to live. life is not a damn book. every indiviual experiences and sees things differently. so twenty people will have twenty different perspectives on the same topic or discussion at hand. and we decided we cannot be taught how to live our life. life is an experience. its the journey that matters. the end may or may not be in sight for sometime to come.

mundane.......................

well finally got the haircut at Kanya. its damn short,( and awesome) especially since ive had shoulder length for the better part of 2005, anyway the new haircut seems to have taken weight of my shoulders. i feel free....no idea why coz it is just a haircut. anyway. enjoying the weekend as of now. couldnot sleep late coz college has effectively removed my ability to sleep till 11-12. was awake at 7.30 today!!! then feel into a deep disturbed sleep and was really pissed off when i woke up. ;(
anyway today just chilling out at home, eating, watching tv, catching up on e-mails and chatting with buddies, and welll basically hanging at home. by myself.
i have promised myself that i would start my homework tonight so i donot have to stay up late tom and spoil the begining of the next week by not getting enough sleep.
since college has started though i enjoy my course i miss just chilling out by myself just not doing anything, maybe reading or writing just welll.....chilling. guess college and work load does that you. *sigh*
tomorrow plan to go for a swim hope one of my buddies can join. btw one of my best friends left for london yest. and well it was really sad. i am very happy for her. her dream is coming true. but its sad coz as of now we can no longer just hang out, or go for a swim. she will not be coming back to chennai for sometime and well that is depressing enough.
anyway that is i for now.

the hand that feeds.

you walk a thin line between us and the rest. always there for me..yet i do not recognise your efforts. diplomatic, ever ready, charged, are but a few of the words i could use to describe you.
yet i do not aspire to be you.for you give so much without expecting, so trusting, so open. you wear your heart on your sleeve. day in day out you clean. cook. manage the house. me. papa. rahul......

yet you donot ask for anything in return. you crave for our respect. our recognition. our love... and well go home emptyhanded. you think big and put those into action. and all you ask for in return is just the fee due. respect.

sometimes the enemy is not at the gates but within. biting the hand that feeds. well for those demons and more...........sorry.

Since you've been gone.......

could i hold you?
just a little while longer...?
somewhere i can still see you,
feel you.
i still mourn for you.
for what could have been.
life is but a hobby.
white light in the dark.

could i hold on a li'l while longer?

i can still smell the pine nuts,
the coffee, the oranges...
you were the first.
you were the last.

the week that was...

well hello again. this past week i have been attending college ( getting out of bed at 11 is hard enough) and its been an experience. good or bad i am yet to judge. or better yet not judge.

a recollection of the week that was:

bro celebrated his b'day but fell sick the very next day. by celebrate i mean't by himself and his buddies minus any family members.

i met some nice classmates, some decent classmates and some nice friends.
i realised that my classmates from the 11th have one thing in common everyone is united on the front of not having class. ( wierd coincidence, or maybe just mob mentality any which way im loving it.)

clases are nice. in the sense we just started so they are not too hectic but lets see.....
and the tables are still 'coming' so we have to make do with the floor in the meantime.

college has removed my ability to sleep. this weekend was wide awake and very pissed off from 8.30 in the bloody morning. mum is glad though. ;(

found today in college that from tomorrow we have 'life skills' i mean ????? why?? anyway no idea what class constitues but its meant to 'change' our lives in 2 weeks. plus side no clases( only the morning session is not there) for the two weeks.

that is it for now. btw im still planing that hair cut thangu. thought ill go on wednesday for it. since its a holiday. vinayaka chathurthi. that brings me to the reason of the blog..i got up today since wednesday is a holiday. ;)

but on the minus side have to go the temple. fuck. and we might have life skills class on saturday.

watever.

covering all bases.

sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we are happy. or we try not to think of the circumstances...of our unhappiness.

well im trying both. college started yesterday. it is ok. plus sides its close to my house, have made one very decent friend. the boys are ok, in the sense no leecherous bastards. the course itself is something im interested in. i might be able to transfer credits to go abroad...and well the biggest plus side one of my closest friend has joined another course in the same college.

minus sides?? (remember two sides to every story people) well there were no desks. no canteen. no equipment. no blackboard. and no other decent classmates. and i seem to know more than the damn teacher?!!

now the neutral side the desks, equipments, and stuff are all on their way. books and the like will be coming soon. so technically everything should be in place soon. and we will have visiting faculty coming in soon. notice im using 'coming soon' a lot. will let you know, when the soon is.

the reason why im feeling down?? i know i could have had a better environment for learning!! and more importantly i know i deserve better. so....lets just hope for the best. bye.

its a lloooonnngg way to the top!

well college starts on monday and from then on the vacation officially comes to a halt. i will be working (hopefully) six days a week and i dont think ill be getting holidays for christmas. that means i might not be able to come shopping with you thangu!! (sob!!) and in the second year we have to get work experience. ;( ok on to more positive things well for four months i had just parked my ass at home so, technically its time to move on aldready!! secondly i will out of the house like everyday and if i will, be at home ill be sleeping due to exhaustion (read workload), so no more fights with mum and grandma!! yeah!!

but im nervous about the classmates and work prospects after the 2 years!!(sooobbb!) but i guess i'll have to start college for that naa?? ok so here goes. bye.

can't fight the moonlight!!

well since i have finished my literature course all i can associate moonlight or the moon itself is with madness. a few days back i went swimming and i was all alone in the pool for like half an hour. instead of enjoying the solitude like i usually do i was getting really jittery. then praise the lord people started to come. of course that irritated me just as much, too much of humanity is not my cup of tea. but atleast it took my mind of the moon and its influence.!!

the music or the musican??

well i have always wondered about band loyalty. i am drawn to the music, irrespective of genre, band, band members, race or language. and i realised this just some time back. but this does raise the all important question do u just reject a band/ musican if one song is bad?? or do you raise them to the status of god 'cause of one good song?? fickle audience indeed. but its worth a thought aint it??

drama queen!!

well this weekend has been the most fun i have had in a long time. and it did not involve booze, or any other life altering substances. i met up with two awesome buddies and we chilled out in boat club, gawked at the corporates rowing downstream, ate tons of ice cream, good cheap food (at dad's expense) and laughed like psychos till late into the night. this was on sunday.


come monday i payed the price for the fun. i was down with stomach infection and was very, very sick. but am feeling better today so all's well that ends well.

What Women Want..

your heart, your soul
is all i want.
not money, nor fame.
neither your looks, nor your attitude.
your heart, your soul
is all i want.

take your promises elsewhere
'cause your trust is all i need.
reassurances, baubles, praises
do nothing for my state of mind.
your faith is all i need.

just hold me tight
that proves enough.

your presence is all i need.
your heart, soul, trust and faith
is what i crave.
i'll keep them safe.
i promise.

...just hold me tight.
that proves enough.

independence day.

well it seems like a long time back when i wrote a poem for school titled 'freedom a mirage' (if im not mistaken). and we are again here to celebrate the day india got her independence. i vaguely remember the poem and some of the key issues i raised then, they suprisingly are valid even now. so that should dash away any optimistic thoughts about g8 and becoming a developed nation right? what the fuck have we done with our hard won freedom!

music, Is the food of life.

i finally got the song i really wanted.

and im happy.

for today atleast.!!!! ;)

Rest.In.Peace.

out of sight, out of mind.
i, have, been hiding.
its scary admitting it.
but hiding from what?

that is the million dollar question.

the fear to comitt,
pangs of lonliness and seperation.
the agony of failure,
more so, admitting defeat.
confrontational i am not.
no matter the cost, to others, or;
myself.
i am content to cast aside
doubts, insecurities and disparities
in thought, deed and action.
yet here you are,
raking up old arguments,
provoking, irritating, frustrating.
why can you not let it be?
let the sleeping dogs lie!
why can you not be content;
to drink in the present moment?
for this is all i have to offer.
let them lie.

please.

The Glass Is Half Empty.

life has its moments.
each poignant in its pain, hope, humiliation and joy.
sometimes you are bigger than the moment,
at times...the circumstances overcome you.
emptiness is an emotion.
a wide gaping hole exists.
i cannot cry any more.
not because i 'cannot', but,
because i can't.
silence speaks volumes at times like these.
i wonder if all is lost.
a sadness still lingers.
like a dense fog settling down.
suffocating. blurring. heavy.

Inaugration

something best to describe my writing?? predictable. yeah i think that might be an appropriate word. my causes are limited, tone?? perhaps the same. but i truly believe that every indiviual has within themselves the ability to suprise. especially when cornered. its more like survival of the fittest in a twisted way. its during these times that the indiviual truly comes of his/ her own. discarding the facade that had become life.

lets start shall we? welcome to a glimpse into my world. post-modernist( masquerading as rebellious), angst- ridden, existentialist, indifferent. a deadly cockatail if i must say so myself.;) and it did not take too long to come up with this in-depth analysis of thy self.

but i guess each indiviual to his own. from monotony to autonomy. breaking free from a homogeneous culture.

Three Cheers To.......

i promised myself that one day my writing will take a turn for the positive. the glorious, fun fiilled and laughter inducing. so this is a start in that direction (of course do not expect every post to be 'sunshine' personified). ok lets see what are the positive aspects of my life?? um.. see i have to think to write happy? how depressing is that??!!

anyway. first and foremost lets drink to health, and staying healthy. second lets drink to fact that i am finally moving on to better things, bigger things! my dream of being an important, essential and valuable member of the fashion community is about to come true. ( lets pray for this ok people??!) third lets drink to my friends ( not just my close ones, the ones i have grown up with, learnt from, learnt with, loved, respected and cherished) you guys are my sole reson for sanity, survival and .....life itself.

so three cheers to health, dreams coming true and friends.

little black book

a small diary unearthed.
secrets, problems, mistakes; discovered.
a progression of thought over the years.
a movement towards thinking, perhaps?

upon faded yellow pages, words form sentences.
strung together they contain meaning.
a life lived, living maybe. who knows.
who cares.

a black leather case encompasses the writing.
the life.
a journey lived, explored, loved.

the double-edged sword.

reading other blogs at times makes u aware of your own lack of talent? or writers block? whatever the case maybe.....and some blogs make u aware say that you have 'skills' that others donot possess. on the whole i must it is a double edged sword. on one hand pride on the other insecurity. but either way an enriching experience, what say?

reminiscence

pain. success. humiliation.
joy. hope. triumph.
consolation. regret. advice.
you have been through it all with me.

these five years have gone by so rapidly.
a mere memory remains.
the joy of times spent together.
the beauty of a thing called friendship.

kal ho naa ho

every stage, or more importantly every new day brings with it better oppurtunities. just yesterday i was content staying back in sweltering chennai and living a passive existence. but today there is a new challenge. there might be a renewed attempt to move to bangalore. but lets see.....will keep you posted on that front.
but i realised one more important factor hindi is the only language in which 'kal' means both the past and the future. ironic??
so i guess here is to enjoying the present.

the other reality

morning. evening. night.
days. months. years.
seasons.
measured. monitored.
routine. everyday.
life goes on.


ever taken a chance?
the question still hangs, what if?
guess ill never know.

motion sickness

well what can be said of today?? a very good friend left for better pastures. and well left us with mere memories, and photos. well nothing more can be said.

heaven is a place on earth.

today i read a book called 'the five people you meet in heaven'. the book in a nutshell talks of heaven being a subjective concept, and how the idea of heaven differs from person to person. it also goes on say that heaven is not for enjoying the after life but its for contemplation of the life you have lead, and the reasons for certain events and incidents.

this made me think of my perception of heaven. no, it is not white clouds nor does God feature in it. atleast not the regular concept of God. for God could be one of us. any way i love nature and natural beauty. so heaven for me would be; lying on the green grass on a very pleasant day, looking up at the sky. the sun is hiddden behind the clouds providing just the right amount of warmth. the roar of the ocean can be heard at a distance. there is no other sound. but the silence is not oppressive, infact there is only a pleasant buzzing, not of the bees, but of contentment, and satisfaction. something we rarely feel on earth. the sky is dotted with white clouds, and birds. looking up at the sky makes me aware of the infinite possibilities. the idea that there need not be an ending.

this is my perception oh heaven. and the book made me realise that heaven could very wll be a place on earth.

sarkar.

posts on politics is common by my friends. reading them is fun, informative and cathartic all at the same time. why? well i dont think i am going to be witing on any issue at this point. so might as well enjoy their writing or rambling as the case maybe.
so this lead me to a closer inspection of myself, as to why i shy away from these situations and refuse to write about them. well i realised that politics has become a dirrty word and no longer just speaks of democracy built on the principles 'of, by and for the people'. in most countries it has been reduced to a system where the ones raking in the profits are few and those reaping the loses are many(more often than not the general public).
but the pitn is why i dont write about it....well i realised that when i cannot do something to change the system then ignore the wrong doings as they just increase ones blood pressure. why worry about something you cannot cure, or change?
this is my escapist mode. where, the safe haven is created on the principle that there is nothing wrong with the system. i know its cowardice, indifference and maybe apathy.
if you cant beat the system join it???

Contradictons.

I just finished reading the 6th and the penultimate Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was exhilarating to read the book but at the same time an overwhelming sadness engulfed me. Not because the series would come to an end, but the thought that there are some of us in the world without a soul in the world to call family. I guess Hermione and Ron could be counted as family but have families and lives of their own that do not involve Harry.

Somewhere some one is watching out for you.
Someone cares. Some one worries.
The thought maybe annoying at times,
But comforting.
To know that we are not alone in this world,
Presence is felt more keenly through absence.
Life more keenly looked upon after a death.
Loss makes us realize the value of what we have.
Or rather what we had.
The grass seems always greener on the other side.


i know this post seems vastly different from the hate spewing forth in the earlier post but,......well some lessons come from experience some from a book......

family potrait

they come in hoardes. like locusts.
lunches, dinners, get togethers, meetings.....
false promises, fake smiles, evil intentions.
never has the going been so good.

wonder what i did??
it still puzzles me.

never a moment to lets my guard down,
to breathe in peace.
not a soul to share moments with,
no one to revel in the joy,
or mourn in sadness.
never has the going been so good.

all the more necessary for me to escape the vicious cycle, right?
well that is going to happen soon.
i still wonder what i did??
it still puzzles me.
never has the going been so good.

but, there is always some respite on the horizon.
friends to lean on.
siblings to share with.
all truly happy with my success,
sad with the sorrow.
i wonder what i did ?
never has the going been so good!

to move or not to move

today is the most important day of my life. as my future rests in the capable but small hands of my friend. for the past two weeks food, and sleep seems to have lost its purpose. i have been obsessing about my accomodation facilities once i reach bangalore. but on seeing the state of affairs in the garden city........depression is not just something that happens to others! any moment now i should be recieving a call from my buddy informing me of the good or.....bad news as it were.
these past two weeks have called for deep introspection of me, my mind, motives etc. yeah its not like me to obsess about something not in my control. i'd rather forget it if i cant control it. so these two weeks have been in short killing me softly. my most 'solid' reason for moving to bangalore seems to be coz i need to get out of my house. not the course, the city nothing appeals. im leaving behind my friends, my solid-stable life, to move to a city where commuting is not, just an occupational hazard.
i hav been listening to the numerous theories on should i move or not. weighing the pros and cons. ultimately i think the move will do me good. i will make new friends (im not that crazy!), ill become more independent, learn to cook, and yeah the freedom i will have is tantalsing.
to conclude yeah the move should no actually will (lets think positively) do me good. but now only if i could get some nice place to stay!!

Pearls of Wisdom

its is funny how soon time flies. three years were spent wondering when college would get over. now it is. and well.......we wish we were still in the 'hell hole'! new beginnings for all of us friends. full of uncertainty, fear, and misgivings. sometimes i think i take the title of 'self -destructive-rebel' a bit too seriously.the need to do 'my' thing all the time is a bit over whelming. and if i dont do it my way it gnaws at my being. to do my thing to prove everyone else wrong. itis hard work. but now when i look back at it, immature! is the only word that comes to mind.
but then again the whole point of college seems to be making your friends, learning from your mistakes, and getting your degree.

Things I Have Learn't From College:

1. take nothing at face value- but only time and experience can teach these.
2. work hard. play harder. the benefits are waaayyy better.
3. be true to yourself.
4. teachers don't know everything. in some cases they know nothing.
5. friends are your only refuge.
6. read. write. it helps lessen the angst!! ;)
7. walk. it keeps you in shape. and the 'local' sights and scenery are awesome!
8. siblings aren't all that bad. they provide entertainment.
9. when your parents donot trust you there is no guilt when you do break it.
10. trust is fragile. so be careful!!!
11. never start a fight. but sure as hell complete one (if necessary).
12. its is never 'home sweet home'.
13. dont judge. 'free your mind and the rest will follow'
14. distance makes the heart and the bonds grow stronger.
15. sleep. it helps you deal with reality.

bye........

My Race

The wind rushes through my hair
Harsh, violent, cold. …unforgiving,
I stop to watch the dying embers in the metal trashcan,
The eerie orange glow illuminates my face;
Highlighting the grime and dust caked on it.
In an alley a young child cries ,
They go unanswered.
Crimson rivers flow .....unchecked.
Another explosion in the vicinity, rocks the meager shelter
Contorted steel shapes pass in a blur
I run to escape the shelling.
Fear rises up, like bile in my throat
Every sound, and movement adds
To the ever mounting tension.
I stand still as the last of the planes flies by
Craters, debris, blood and bodies ,mangled remains of buildings,
Left in its wake.
As the siren sounds,
I know they are done… for the day.

consistency

friendship, companionship, love, respect, space.
all go hand in hand. shoulder to shoulder.
rarely do you find people your comfortable sharing just about anything with.
but with the cycle of life nothing remains constant.
people, lives , places change.
maybe only change is constant!

let there be light....and there was Light!

it is said that 'the world is a book,
and those who travel donot read more than a page'.
hence i walk on.
walking i see what i coudnt have seen,
had i kept to myself.
had i...been the person i was.
and realise,
that life's hurdles are meant to test us.
life itself is a test;
not everyone can ace.
the trick lies, not in knowing everything beforehand.
but, learning as you go.
learning as you live your life.
learning till the end of your life.

Best Laid Plans.

some plans are set before hand.
they are thought out carefully, ummm...
well planned and over all...fool proof?
or more like fail proof.
some plans are made overnight.
between two friends.
one who's head is perpetually in the clouds [me ;)],
and the other's grounded in reality and practicality.
but sometimes these plans too succeed.

which plans succeed? and which fail?
i guess if you have enough faith in your plan,
and if all parties involved have faith in themselves,
and each other.
ok enough with the philosophy.
its partay time!

gone in sixty seconds ;(

is there justice in the world??? all i see are the evil triumphing. in every walk of life.
a good friend got waitlisted today for the college she soooo badly wanted to get into. and not to say she is average!!! we are talking of the next nobel prize winner for literature here!!! but anyway on amore positive note my good friends came home today. and we drowned our sorrows with movies, gossip, junk food, ice cream and of course laughing!! ;) in fact they just left now and since i was on a high thought i would write one of my more 'positive' posts.
tomorrow another good friend would be leaving to singapore and back to the grind of college and assignments. but i guess that is the cycle they call life. it hard to say goodbye. and even harder to tell that someone you love. but i guess all good things must come to an end and as they say: the show must go on. ;(

Things To Do:

Things to do before i leave town:

1. tell my friends i love them. (muah all you lovely ladies)
2. pack everything i own. not interested in coming back to live under somebody'else's (parents) rules.
3. try to take my comforter along. ( its not that big!!)
4. maybe my dog.....spotty, my fluffy cushions.......my stereo?
5. ok ok relax kidding about somethings.
6. meet accquaintences one last time. includes my family.
7. take all the latest technology that has been bestowed upon me!! ( there is a god)
8. my shoes pack them nicely
9. inform my buddies this is the age of computers hence they should keep in touch!
10. call up grandma and tell her i love her.
11. apologise to mum for bad behaviour ;(
12. kiss lava (the neighbours dog) good bye.
13. try to find a library close to home in b'lore.
14. try to buy a few last minute clothes before i go. ;)
15. kiss friends good bye. and thank them for being there for me through thick and thin.

words

i saw the movie 'shabd' (word) today. it was a different story but the movie has not been shot well. it was very ummmmm...hazy and broken? the images were not coming together in the end and the songs could have been definitley left out. ashwariya rai looked beautiful and sanjay dutt handsome. what was zayed khan's role again???
the point to post is that the movie got me thinking about the age old debate" art imitates life or life art?" have gone through this debate pretty often during my three year tenue as a literature graduate. but it has always been brushed aside like an open ended debate. i believe that life inspires our literary and imaginative world. for without living how would we know how to draw or paint or sculpt or write? if anyone else has conflicting views please free to comment. discussion leads to enlightenment!! ;)

Muse

you are the inspiration.
the emotion.
the tears.
the joy.
sorrow.
heartache, and;
the passion.

you are the story,
the song and the lyrics.
you are my life.
my breath.
you are the hope of a better tomrrow.
you are the past, present,
and the distant future.

"you are the reason my faith in tomorrow,
a distant horizon with you i must follow."- air supply feat. mehnaz

Ordinary

is it worth holding out for the 'perfect' thing?
the knight in shining armour, the dream job,
the picture-perfect life?
how does one differentitate,
between the ordinary and the extra-ordinary?
the ordinary could be the 'perfect'.
the extra-ordinary could just be masquerading as the extra something.

sometimes it is just easier giving in.
sometimes the end is worth the fight.
and somethings, sometimes donot have a conclusion.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

i turned twenty last week
on the 12th to be exact, amidst fanfare and revelry.
ate cake, pizza and opened presents.

more importantly spent quality time with my friends.
what will i do without you???
love you much. muah to all!!!

just a lil bit... more. always.

scared shitless. yes.
scared to screw up a good up a good friendship?
well guilty as charged.
20 years and counting.
years actually lived? zlich.
you do the math.
i have always been pretty weak at it.
yeah this quite sums it up:
"i have measured my life in coffeespoons" (or something to this effect)
- 'The Love Song Of J Alfred Prufrock' -T.S Eliot

for a coffee addict that seems a fit way to go about life.
but important things are to be measured in more worthy units.
period.

sunday afternoon

yesterday i went for a play titled 'evam indrajit'. well the play was ok but the company rocked so the event remains some sort of an 'incident' not to be forgotten. the theme was existentialism, something i live for, but to sit through something that seemed to play out like the angst-ridden life i might lead was disconcerting. at many times i tried to divert my attention from the characters and the drama of their lives with humour. the play came to an abrupt halt on the note that not all of us are kamal, vimal and ummmm nirmal?? ok basically not all of us are meant to live like the dime a dozen tom-dick(and)-harry's of the world.

i am waiting for a new life to start,
can i truly break away from the old one? a fresh start?
no? i dont know? maybe. maybe not.
but the point being, the journey is what that matters right?
but, you cannot stereotype lives.
no matter the fact that we all try to fit into stereotypes.


we all have our idealistic notions of 'saving the planet'
'world peace' and what not. in fact why not!
and all of are not Miss India's, yet the dreams( read fantasy) remains.
sinking, more often than not into the mire of mundane life.
but then again maybe we can merge.
not adopt triviality, but adapt it to suit our needs.
lets be manipulative.

but completing the circle of thought,
i am waiting to start a new life.
i am hoping to leave behind the painful memories (nightmares?)
and shall we say move on??
mmmmm who am i kidding?! its more life running away.

so since i am technically going away heres a toast:
here's to the 'indrajit' in all of us.
may he rise at the most inopurtune moments
to breathe new perspective into our lives.
*clink* *clink* ;)

cresendo

slowly the momentum fades.
and i am left standing.
heaving. sweating. shaken.
illuminated against the setting sun,
frozen amidst the dense foliage.
a flash of recognition from a passerby.
a slow beat begins,
again.

the door

you left as quickly as you came,
then, why the farce of love and friendship?
no one cares but me, and,....maybe you.
distance does make the heart grow fonder,
but is it worth the heartache that comes with it?
a myriad different emotions,
a multitude of thoughts.
the door is open,
but the sign says 'donot disturb'.
what do you do?

ITS MY LIFE!

to live your life and not actually live it,
have oppurtunities stare at you and mock you,
yet having to forgo them.
ignore glaring differences 'cause you cannot solve them.
this is not life as it is meant to be lived.
its a pathetic excuse to exist.
grabbing that second chance,
i just have to say:

"its my life, i just wana live when im alive"
-Jon Bon Jovi.

lead kindly light

well the wait is over the verdict is in.
it is the world against me.
not another sob story, just my life.
but just as one door closes another opens?
there seems to be light shining through the tunnel.
but all i need to check now is whether, its another chance,
or the headlights of an oncoming train.

the contender

stagnation seems to be the theme.
burn out the feeling, or the lack of it thereof.
the fight has gone stale, the opponent just keeps coming.
i guess..... i lost.
but, guess what?? fuck the rematch.

i have or rather HAD dream

suddenly the world seems new.
brand new.
sparkling clean, lace curtains, picket fence
white. cliche? maybe.
safe? yes!
"to sleep, and perchance to dream"
dare to dream. only to have it mocked.
perseverance has lost its meaning.
the bitter after taste remains.
sour. harsh. fetid. curdling.
all that remains is a jumble,
oblivion. eternity. fantasy. reality.
xharcters in a never ending nightmare.

guess who's back?

greetings to my fellow bloggers! ;) well the week of exams, cramming, sleepless nights are all over. so i think i shall be regular in posting entries. anyway one buddy of mine has left ;(,
but well another one is on her way over here. (muah thangu) i guess that is the cyclic nature of life.
college is over and i should feel relaxed right? wrong. i'm stressed out, and im freaking out.
what next? and my relatives (read bitches) are not making life easier. atleast i have started applying and stuff so...alls well that ends well?? (please pray for me) ;)
so waht am i planing to do these two months hang with my buddy, shop!!!!, sleep. learn to drive (hopefully), dance classes, travel, and do one thing that frightns me the most. so here is the amibitious list. i have to get through atleast a few of it. that is it for now. bye tc.

beyond fear

standing in the darkness of the night,
the cool wind makes me shiver.
its a moonless night. clear, cloudless.
in the distance, the roar of the train reverberates.
i walk as if in a daze.
slowly towards the tracks.
the blinding light pierces the darkness.
pierces my soul.
sreeching sounds of the brakes.
smoke, frightened, excited cries all surround me.
time stands still.
my slashed wrists stand testimony to earlier futile attempts.
the train surges past me.
the force jolts my being.
pain engulfs me.
but, i am beyond mortal fears, pains, suffering.
the train comes to a standstill
as i watch from a distance,
above.

barsaat (rain)

its raining!
the storm clouds have arrived.
grey, heavy, laden with water.
the beauty of a freshly cleansed city scape.
even the scrap of metal holds beauty.
bright green leaves.
brown earth, multi-hued flowers.
children getiing wet.
a chilly draft, cold enough to give goosebumps.
the smell of wet earth.
hot coffee.hmmmmmmm!
this is life baby.

the creative persona's manifesto

they tell me i have no ambition.
is sitting in an airconditioned office ambition?
six-figure salaries are ambition?
creativity is'nt ambition?
in this band wagon of 9-5 jobs
with no time to breathe,
where is the time for creativity?

everything is beautiful.
beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.
all sprout these lines.
cliches!
practice what you preach.
i have no time to stand and stare,
i have miles to go before i sleep.

but the question is,
when you do sleep will you regret the miles?

graduation day

detachment is an option.
maybe even 'the' option.
close ties, bonds, experiences;
all come to an end in the blink of an eye.
sadness, nostalgia, pain.
'should learn to live with it' i tell myself.
easier said than done.

"out of the darkness and into the sun,
but i wont forget the ones that i love"-kelly clarkson

forge the past with the present.
leave it behind, dont forget it though.
its but a stage. seems like a lifetime.
sigh!

basic instinct

the tough exterior is but a farce.
i am scared shitless inside.
who to confide in?
family revels in failures,
and friends have their own lives to live out.
trust, and faith two non- existent words in my vocabulary.
but i guess you learn to pick up the pieces,
but again do u build with the devastation?
or start over again?

no strings attached

all the toil, struggle,
blood, sweat and tears.
all have come down to the last few hours.
the last nail biting moments.
but it seems worth it.
the terror has subsided.
we have passed the test
with no strings attached.

reality check

ever heard the voices within?
felt the peace? or even the violence within?
we are all so absorbed with our external realities,
that we forget to introspect.
introspection leads to revelations.
reflections.

tune in. and tune out reality.

independence day?

six days left for the end of a nightmare.
but six days left to an ever widening question,
what next?
two sides of the same coin.
doubts, fears apprehensions, seperations,
six days to address them all.
the gyre keeps on turning, turning.
it aint gonna stop.
so i think ill have to just freaking get off!

in the end

"....ive tried so hard and got so far
in the end it doesnt even matter,
had to far to lose it all,
in the end it doesnt even matter.
i have put my trust in you
pushed as far as i can go
for all this there is only one thing you should know..
in the end it doesnt e3ven matter!"- Linkin Park

voltage fluctuations

by fate we met
glances, stolen looks, smiles.
a connection was made.
or so i thought. burnt.
high to low, low-high.
a freaking cyclic process.
a yearning to see you,
embarassing.
yet, you do not respond.
disappointment.frustration.
bring on the alcohol.

the thin red line

all the worlds a stage, and men and women are mere actors.
masks, costumes, voice modulations, scripts.
where does the play end and life begin?
the fictionality of life?
i donot like acting.
i am not a good actor.
so is there room for me in this freaking circus?!

the god of ALL things.

the thirst for power kills my being.
yet it remains unfulfilled.
they say knowledge is power.
power exists without knowledge.
ignorance is bliss.
and in an ironic manner power in itself.
the power of indifference.
maniplulation, threats, tears;
all come against an unmoving wall.
saturation. melting point.
when will the battle of wits end!

bitter sweet symphony.

the bitter sweet irony of life? well... a cliche.
in true filmi style you have a hero, a heroine, and the villian.
skip the songs and the bare thread of a storyline, you have a happy ending.
closure.
exit stage left, welcome to reality.
time for some fortification(name your poison, mine is caffeine).
ok so now you have the heroine as the earlier scene. but the hero aint interested;
villian totally interested.
bittersweet irony of life....heroine is a lesbian! :p

ridiculous aspects of life

life works in mysterious ways.
the ones who you want to converse with are not interested.
its the perverted bastards that want to chat you up!
i mean 'really'!!!
but then again maybe its a test for better things to come your way.
but it does seem like an awful lot of tests are coming my way,
and the results are not sweet. trust me.
so any tips for lil ol'me for the new month?

in a material world

the pressure to confirm presses in on all fronts!
the disapproving tone.
the condecsending look.
the life of the normal in an abnormal world,
crushed in the myriad homogeneous
one longs to break free.
diffrent. unique. special.
yet hemmed in.
sing my muse i am setting you free!

o where art thou?!!

a multitude of faces, yet i cant find you.
questions of your existence arise.
i brush them aside.
i believe everyone has a soulmate, a life partner.
to borrow some cheesy hindi film lines:
"some one some where is made for you"
twenty years but not a shadow on the horizon.
evening has approached and im turning back.
so are you coming?

the agony of life

we cannot choose our family. period.

the second coming

well regrets seem to plague my being
the grass is the best on the other side.
dissatisfaction, and envy are my constant companions.
yet to make something of this existence seems beyond me.
just twenty years into this wide, corrupt world yet the cynic in me has risen.
its time for a change. metamorphsis?
or just a snake shedding its skin?
the environment influences me. but can it make me?
it is time to take control. how?
well that i would have to figure out.
slowly. faltering. but surely.

children of a greater god

well today seemed a total waste of makeup!! besides having like 3 hours of clases we had to stay back for special credit classes where we had to take care of 54 five-year-olds. (these are children of the shanti bhavan who are left in the care of our college teachers, they are collected by their parents at the end of the day.) it was chaos, pandemonium reigned! running around, screaming getting them together and organising games!! argh!! but at the end of the day when the kids said with mega watt smiles "bye akka see you tommorow" it seemed worth it.
what is it about us that does not allow us to understand human potential unless it has been wasted? again it seems that unless an effort has been taken we cannot seem to appreciate the gesture. a smile can make us much happier through out the day. yet we cling on tenaciously to the notion that blood, or sweat only goes into making someone feel that much better.
today was nothing special. it was hot, humid and annoying! yet a smile made my day worth the make up!

bliss is solitude

my state of mind thanks to return of father from business trip! :
" do not walk behind me i may not lead. do not walk ahead of me, for i may not follow. do not walk beside me, either. just leave me alone!!!"

crying myself hoarse

i feel the waves crashing
standing, i let them wash over me.
cold, strong, icy sharp, cleansing.
as i walk further into the icy depths
i call out to you.
i cry myself hoarse, yet all in vain.
slowly i walk in...
as the wave crashes over my head
all i think is that i cried myself hoarse.
but, you never came.

a celebration of life

well did not go to college. again! (might i add).
the joy of sleeping in when you know that everyone else is dying in college is wonderful.
sadistic me! :-)
life is beautiful when you sleep in.
it becomes that much more prominent.
distance does make the heart grow fonder.
have to say that is the same with life too!
"chaos, panic, disorder- my work here is done."

some things are worth waking up for

today there was a seminar by one my classmates in post colonialism class. and she spoke about a poem by a writer/activist tenzin tsundue from tibet. it was very moving especially the last two lines of the poem she read, it went" i am tibetan/ but i am not from tibet/ never benn there./ yet i dream of dying there." such seminars realy make the day worthwhile and makes one realise that there is much to be thankful for in life. it really made me sit up and take notice of a life and a vision beyond one's self. and that there is an entire world outside of one's (my!) indiference!

quote for the day

"too many freaks, not enough circuses!"-unknown. :-)

on a day like today.

there are days when one is just too bored with life do little else but waste away.
today seems a day like that.
to begin with waking up at twelve thirty in the afternoon means half the day is gone,
so goodbye productivity.
then to spend the day watching inane movies with enrique iglesias in them,
wow what was i thining??! was i thinking?
so now seated here i dwell on the numerous days spent like this,
each a seemless blur.
blending, numbing.
they say "an idle mind is the devil's workshop"
but to do nothing, is doing something, in itself, right?
so here is to good times and cheers to doing nothing! :-)

no answer.

why is that everyday is an effort to get up?
each morning brings with it but boredom, and more pain
incentives to move are required
but lately they are falling short..way short.
it is very scary to assume everyday is going to be another uphill battle to get up.
questions of the purpose of life revolve round and round and round...,
hovering, disturbing.
but no answers emerge.
i guess you have to work it out for yourself
find what direction suits you.
but let us pray that the answer emerges soon!!

love and its trappings

"jaane kyon log pyaar karte hain? jaane kyon woh kissi pe marte hain?"-dil chahta hai

over rated is what this word is. love???
pah! every book, card and most people swear by it.
what about us, almost eradicated species not touched by it?
life still has meaning.
work still remains unappealing.
and food remanins one of the few pleasures.
so why dwell on this undefinable emotion,
warm, fuzzy and pink invade my mindspace!
i love pink, i am warm(atleast most of the time),
but not in love!
a proclamation. a decision?
love is a state of mind. period!

a memorable quote:

"its important to have an end to journey to, but in the end it is the journey that matters!"

the first tiime i read it took sometime to make sense
some time for comprehension to dawn, that,
every journey need not be a luxury.
it depends what you make of your life and the subsequently the 'journey'.
experiences both good and bad
people, friends and well....others
what does not kill you will eventually make you stronger
so let us celebrate this journey called life.

the macrocosm

i am a mere microcosm
i would like not to dwell on that
but life's all that and more!

a purpose seems necessary
a duty is essential.
existing plain agony without either.

the questions, the looks, the whispers
argh!! society,
waiting for you to slip
watching, analysing, dissecting.

cause life is all this and more...unfortunately.

rock star!!

lights, music, crowds, security, ....a rockstar
but no counterfoil.
running around
an adventure.
apocalypse redux.

clear skies, a moonlit night to remember.
thousands screaming, singing, hooting
gyrating music
soulful lyrics
good friends to share it with
lights, music, crowds, security...my first concert!! :-)

tangibility of freedom

last exam. one and a half hours more.
home, country roads take me home

next month yet another cycle.

lost soul

mere months left, days even......
yet distance has set in
every day yet another farce
conversation mere small talk

feelings boarded in
memories...relived
happy times,ah! those were the days

mere months left yet..distance has set in
torn,mutilated,and frozen
yet my soul lives on
but where is the other half?

time out

every day the hustle and bustle of life!
"time waits for no man"
but what if there is no man left for time?!!

mortality a negation.

fading out reality.

today i noticed my garden, not exactly eden but....well a semblance of it
each tree, flower and ugly creeper shedding
but beautiful in its own right

time ah! the nemisis? a necessity? a yardstick?

runing out!!!