smile for me

maybe this should have gone my wierd list... maybe.. but im really scared of going to doctors. no its not the needles.. or the sight of blood... im just paranoid what the diagnosis might be. yes sounds crazy.. but on sunday i 'realised' that i have a cavity.. and well it dosent exactly hurt but well a part of my tooth came/ broke off. no i donot have a 'gap' in my fucking mouth but well i miss that part( the tooth that is;).. there was no blood or anything but still it freaky your tooth/ (or a part of it) just fucking coming off..

anyway back to where we started i have to visit the dentist. and i am postponing the inevitable meeting but a couple of 'friends' have totally freaked me out about how this could lead to a root canal and the like.. another bunch have lovingly informed me that the infection could spread and i may not have teeth left. bitches. thank you all. so i have a date with the dentist coming up soon. something i cannot take a rain check on. i am freaking out, and was depressed the whole of today. *soobbb*

happy hour.

well its partay time my teacher has handed in her resignation. after months of hard work our efforts have borne fruit. of course now it lefts to be seen how the fuck we are going to complete our portions.... but its partay time. ;)

over last week saw a couple of films..

'pride and prejudice'
'being cyrus'
'gladiator (again!)',
'brave heart' (oh no!), '
requiem for a dream (very depressing),
'wuthering heights',
'raincoat',
'mere yaar ki shaadi hain' ( on fast forward.)

ok going to celebrate the departure of my beloved teacher by completing homework. yes i donot have a life.

god save the queen.

was watching 'brave heart', courtesy brother for the hundreth time.... i was just wondering japan has been made to apologise like a dozen times for the attrocities committed by the island nation during the world war. so what would the 'united kingdom' have to do?? considering the number of countries it annexed (tortured/tormented/enslaved) under pretext of trade.

curtain call.

"Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her"

- Robbie Williams- 'Feel'


this perfectly describes my philosophy on life. i expect every relationship (friendship or otherwise) to end. naturally or ... otherwise.


hmmm...

driven

today my brother was telling me that i would be of no use to any sports team.. why? because i lack the aggression, the fighting spirit, and the over all drive to succeed. this really got me thinking.. first of all to prove him wrong and second because i was truly wondering if i lack the drive to succeed..
i guess this would depend on what is success for you right? it differs from indiviual to indiviual. for some its money. others its fame. for some its the numero uno position be it in anything. i realised yeah maybe i do lack the drive to win.. its because i dont think winning is the only thing in life. yeah sure its awesome to win. the euphoria.. the rush.. damn nice. but how long does the satisfaction last?

and if you dont win its not the end of the world either.. i honestly believe that its the process that is more important. the journey more than the destination. cause that is where bonds are forged, lessons are learnt.. its fucking lonely at the top.. and i need people around me more than fame or money.

of course my brother just laughed and went. loser.

sum up.

right for those of you who dont know it was the konkani/telgu new year yesterday.. and well i holed myslef for the better part fo the day in college.. and for the rest of the time in my room. there were more konkani relatives in my house than i knew what to do with. yuck. but the food was yummy.. and that is the biggest plus point of these family get togethers.

and i have finished stitching my top for the kidswear module.. and the skirt will also be done by tomorrow hopefully. ohh my teacher is getting thrown out. we have a guest faculty for almost all our modules and i guess she just comes till the semester gets over.. or whatever. like i give a shit.

i broke my watch.. yeah a sports one at that. so using the designer one that i have. very expensive. very fragile. so not me. but yeah need it for college. need to know when i have to leave. ;)

and the happiest news.. grandparents are going out of station for the weekend.. and so is father. partay time people! ;) so looking forward to the weekend.

and if your wondering what im doing at home writing this post at 12.45 in the afternoon.(instead of getting an education) well went to college at 10. and left at 12.

disturbed

sometimes i feel wierd. yeah nice opening line i know. but that is all i can use to describe what im feeling... (probably a hangover form one of the previous posts..;) anyway i cant describe it.. during these moods i dont want to think. cant think period. i see the problems but dont necessarily see them.. or comprehend them. its a mental shutdown. i dont wana read. listen to music. talk. write. i cant sleep as well. but i feel damn tired.. i just lie down and stare at the damn ceiling. no im not depressed.. my mind goes blank. you might be talking to me but i just wont register anything your saying.

this euphoric mood hit me when i was in college today and going to start stitching, as usual the teacher came and started yelling that we are lagging behind blah blah... and i did not even realise she had stopped shouting at me.. i was just standing there.. looking through her.. and she had asked me a question, which i did not hear (but of course..).

so yeah basically i cant focus. and nobody exists but the sensation. even to write this post which usually takes about five minutes took me close to half an hour as i could nto concentrate and my mind kept going blank.. sort of like the picture is blurred. except im wondering if its the picture or the damn vision that is blurred..

mere yaar ki shaadi hai!

as the title suggests it is indeed my friends wedding that is going to take place some time next year... she has been wanting to get married for like the past two years and now that it is finally happening i think the enormity of the whole thing has just sunk in for her.. so has the panic

mind you this not louve marriage or anything.. its a very traditional 'proper' arranged marriage.. apparently they know the guys family well and they are very respectable people so my friend thinks, it should be 'ok'.

i have nothing to say about her choice.. because its her choice.. and she has been wanting to get married as a means of escaping the chaos at home... i just asked how will she escape the chaos at the 'new home'..?? if any but ofcourse..


arranged vs. love marriage which would u prefer..? i seriously dont know.. but i do know my parents would disinherit me.. and disown me if i even think about marrying any guy outside my caste (wtf!) let alone religion.. (which could be a reason why i keep telling them muslim men are hot (some are:). the look on my fathers face is worth it.) and love quite obviously does not come with any sort of caste/ religion barrier....

im very comittment( one 'm' or two?) phobic and when i think of marriage i think shackles.. loss of freedom.. i get dramatic and my mother just dies everytime we have this conversation. and more importantly i wonder if i can stay with one person my whole life?? i get bored very easily.. and its scary to assume that im going to get out of a comittment like marriage because i am 'bored'... yeah i can be fucking shallow.. (but these thoughts were eating my life for sometime.. had to vent... )

TAGGED! ;)

i got tagged by Mr. Rationality.. and the question is why am i wierd.. i guess this means i should list my idioscyncrasies on the internet.. right. so here goes.

i am wierd coz:

- my friends are my family and my actual family are mere accquaintences.

- becoz i finished my B.A in Literature and now doing my post graduation in fashion and dont know where i am going with this..

-i cant sleep unless the room is pitch dark.. but ironically i can sleep till 12 in the afternoon and the room will be flooded with light (quite obviously).

-i need to have a bath just before i hit the bed at night. but the morning one is optional! ;)

-i have stayed in chennai all my life and have seen only one tamil film.. in the theatre or otherwise.

-i dont have the patience to watch films (esp hindi..) and have watched entire films on fast forward mode..

- yet i can read a 1000 page book cover to cover.

- i am obsessed with 'flip cell phones'..

-after the age of 5 i have never voluntarily worn a skirt.

-i collect make up.. dont wear it. its a matter of possession.

- car journeys make me sleepy. five minutes in any moving vehicle is enough to lull me to sleep.

- there are 3 cars in ym garage and i dont knwo how to drive.

- im scared of crossing roads.. its traumatic for me.. so stop with the laughing.

-sleep and kapi are my bitches take either one and there will be hell to pay.

-i am obsessed with the colour pink.. pink walls, curtains, key chains, sunglases, clothes, i pod, im trying for sports shoes also.. but dad thinks im mad so..

-sorrow attracts my attention more than joy ever would.

-people i have never met in my whole life have made me think more than paople i have known my whole life.

-i think of going to temples or visiting relatives or extended family members as punishment.

- i would walk for 2 hours rather than take an auto in chennai.

- i feel cold in chennai. so you can imagine my plight during the rainy season.

- i sympathise more with animals than with people.

- numbers scare the crap out of me.. i absolutely hate maths.. and have conviniently forgotten conversion and the like.. which i need for my course now.

-i bleed my parents for money and then i save it.. for what the fuck?? yeah even im wondering...

- because gold or other precious / semi precious stones hold no value for me.

- i hate going out for dinners.

- i hate crowds.. but love dancing in discos.. ;).. umm i think its cause i love dancing. period.

- i like using things that are new.. new erasers, pencils... pens.. whatever.. if its new i gotta use it immediately.

- i collect stationery items. and never use them.

- i collect birthday cards.. esp ones with letters or something personal written in them. have been doing so since the 4th standard..

that is it i think... whew... when i started this i had no inclination i had wierd habits.. but yeah u never know i guess...

anyway i have tagged :

pufflet - ;)

vysh- hope your comp is working!

janani- i dont even remember your blogspot address! u better write something.

j sea- looking forward to this.

points of authority

during my literature course one concept i studied stuck with me.. the concept of 'power relations'. the concept in short means that someone has power because you recognise/ fear/ admire or are in awe of it. for example a master is only a master as long as there are people who will accept that position. it applies to all relationship in our lives. someone has control over your life because you let him/her control it. it all boils down to the concept of choice. we have a choice to so something about our situation or to wallow in it. not doing anything is a choice in itself.

this concept very effectively removes the blame game.. u have no one to blame for your life but yourself. so you have to wake up at some point and take responsibility for your actions..

third eye blind.

i see you, and you see me.
but we are both essentially blind.
and we know it.

holi..

after another long late night chat.. thought i would not be getting up for college.. but guess what we have a bitch for a guest faculty who does not think, much of asking the students to stay back after college hours.. (we need a fucking union.), so had to move my ass to college. late.. but went never the less. and guess what my lovely classmates had planned. celebrating holi. so the whole hour during lunch break we plastered each other with colours. and then the teacher entered.. and got plastered too! ;)
and because we did not complete our patterns during the lunch break.. the guest faculty asked us to stay back.. did i say it was the damn LUNCH break?? bastard. so now we have to stay up and night and cut the damn patterns and get them.. so we can stitch tomorrow.

we are a family! right.

it really pisses me of when people i dont know act as if they 'know' me. familiarity breeds contempt.. over familiarity.. hatred perhaps? over the past week random people called me by shortened forms of my first name/ surname?? and i wont know their first name.

i think my father can be grouped into this category. he is never at home(thank god for small mercies) to get to know his children. he does not know our age... (and vice versa:) nor does he know what we are doing, yet when there is a need to socialise we are THE happy family. today we had my fathers clients over for lunch and infront of them the acting performance he gave left my brother and me more than a little nauseous(right spelling?).

point is life is freaking short. either u know people or you dont. dont profess to know me, my likes and dislikes, when i dont know you exist.

the miseducation of my class teacher.

over the past 3 months besides coffee (but ofcourse!;) my sole purpose/aim/ goal in life has been to get my teacher thrown out. to put it simply she is useless. and i can respect her if she accepts it.. but she would like to think that she is the sole reason that the sun rises in the east. so we decided to 'educate' her.

so the campaign started. and inevitably we the fashion department became (are) the most hated dept in the damn college. there were disciplinary comittees formed to curb our enthusiam. but what went on during the committee meetings would require another post. there were letters sent home, attandance requirements were increased for our dept alone, (the blame game in the mean while is going on full swing)... blah blah, blah!

hence started the counter campaign. we sent off approx 4 letters to the administrative staff in delhi. and with each letter the language, length, and content changed. drastically at times. we influenced other departments and soon the creative departments had declared war against their teachers.

on tues the administrative head came down from delhi.. and my what an educative experience it has been. to put it simply she fucked the centre heads existence..and the teachers.. and the supportive staff on grounds of harassing the students mentally and emotionally. ;). the centre head has been threatened with legal action, as well as the accountant. since then the fashion students have been given a wide berth by the teachers. our class teacher has changed. we have gotten more respect, infrastructure, and teachers.

more importantly we got justice;)

GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

sometimes it so fucking hard to try. its much easier to give in. give up. i 'want' to give life a fair chance and not drag it through this mire of indifference. i want so much from it. and want to give back equally in return. i want to give in to the moment. show the passion i feel for things.. people.. life in general. but then come the expectations.

my parents expect me to someone i am not. my teacher would most certainly prefer another student. so on and so forth. inevitably i let someone down. i let myself down. when i expect myself to react, to argue, to fight for what i believe in/ fight for what i want... i become indifferent. at times i just want to make the call.. the first move.. for once maybe act instead of react... but dont. what if..? what if i fail? let someone down?... too many of these fucking ifs and buts. Failure, rejection and me. Three to tango. therefore once bitten twice shy. actually once bitten, im backing off forever.

i give all or nothing at all. the two extremes in life. there is nothing inbetween. hence i expect so much from myself. yet i constantly let myself down. everytime. sort of life i set myself up for rejection/ disappointment. castles in the air are my forte. but when the time comes for laying the damn foundation i procrastinate. a nice routine i have going on.

the whole of last week i have been depressed, irritated, emotional, bitchy and been throwing attitude at practically everyone. in the process hurt many close to me. for this and more sorry. as always its me.. not you.

identity

finally finished 'the dark holds no terrors' -sashi despande yesterday.. hence couldnt get up for college today. anyway the book was better than i imagined. it wasnt just about a woman wringing her hands wondering what to do... it had a bit more.. but one line stayed with me.. towards the end of the novel sarita wonders that just because women give birth to babies does it mean they own them? how can it be 'my' child?? is the child an object meant to be possessed?

i posed the same question to my mother.. and of course that which does not have a set(read SAFE) answer is rejected. so she told me i should stop asking such 'innane' questions..

i really donot understand what parents assume/pressume by taking charge of their childrens lives.. are they trying to live their dreams through their kids lives? or is it some twisted pride in 'owning' state rank holders as childrens?? why arent children considered entities of their own? indiviuals? why are choices not provided? or alternatives accepted??!!!

personally u should love your children enough to let them go.. what is the point in deciding the safe route?? what if you child does nto want it?? and i seriously wonder how parents can make decisions for their children... personally i would be terrified. your deciding someone else's likes/dislikes.., life!!?? based on your likes and dislikes... what if your child turns around 15 years from now and asks why u made that choice?? or is that also an 'innane' question? to my mum it is so was wondering...

four to the floor.

well sometime in septemeber in college we had this 'life skills' class (like you can learn anything about life in a freaking classroom) and this teacher came from delhi and he conversed (not taught) with us on a myriad things. one thing he said remained with me.. he said human beings are broadly classified into 4 different kinds of animals :

1. Fox: a smooth operator..someone who knows how to get his/her work done. you scratch my back and ill scratch urs.. o fox is a person who knows when to strike when the iron is hot and how to negotiate a deal all for his/ her benefit.

2. Shark: a completely agrresive go getter. someone who knows what they want and are willing to go to any lengths to achieve what they want. even at the cost of harming others. amibition that is unparalled.

3. Teddy Bear: soft. cuddly. without opinions. someone who agrees with what you have to say.. and the second person, third person.. well you get the drift.

4. Turtle: this is a person who has suicidal tendancies. very depressed with life. and if there any complications in life then they run back into their shell. they are like fuck life, fuck the relationship. its not worth it.

apparently there is a fifth animal that people can be categorised into but its so ideal that not many (any!) can fit into that mould. the Owl .. i forgot essentially what the owl is.. but bascially the ideal.

the teacher said honestly which animal would you be if you were faced in a crisis situation. what is your default setting. basiclaly he meant that if u had a crisis and no one was watching how would react..? Honestly!

well i am turtle. not that i am suicidal. but that does not mean i have not thought about it. but the relationship part.. yeah that is essentially me. i would be like fuck it nothing in life is worth it. (though i know its not necessarily true).

its only words....

prose is beautifull.. but poetry to me is the language of the heart.. what i feel comes out easier (according to me) in poetry.. what suprises me is that very few people i know (me included) donot appreciate the beauty of poetry in our regional languages. personally i can read hindi only( that too with grreeaaatt difficulty) so this is one of the few quotes that i received via sms that i saved..not sure who wrote them .. but.. really love them. so here goes...

"Yaad main teri aahein bharta hain koi
Har saans ke saat tujhe yaad karta hain koi,
Maut sachchai hain, ek roz aani hain,
lekin teri judaai main har roz marta hain koi.."


" Nigahein aapki, pehchaan hain hamari.
Muskurahat aapki, shaan hain hamari.
Rakhna hifazat tum apni...
Kyonki saanse hain aapki,
Magar jaan hain hamari."


beautiful!

a days work.

ok today has been a very tiring day.. we had our first factory visit.. and well we learnt more today than in the whole 6 months we have spent in that damn college of ours! anyway the ride to the factory(in tambaram) was fun.. the headphones were glued to my head and it was awesome.

we got there and dude to the din of the machines and incessant chatter of the workers we could not hear our teacher thank god! it was a very interesting experience. the workers donot understand the countries or the brands they are working on! while i was dying reading the damn labels. all the clothes made are for export only. hence the quality is on a level that the average indian buyer wouldnt recognise if it hit him on the damn head. and the workers are all sourced from near by villages so their exposure is at a minimum. and they donot understand the value of what they are making. a garment (shirt/ top) is made at 1 dollar... but the price tag says 24.50 $... can you even imagine the profit? and the one dollar mind you is inclusive of overheads/ tax blah blah...

and then later we got to meet the chairman of the export house.. the annual turnover of the house is about 35 crores.. yet you couldnt have met a more humble or down to earth person than him. anyway the day was a very nice/ educative.. but very tiring...

the chairman said (when asked why they dont meet deadlines) that no one plans to fail.. but we fail, because we fail to plan.

chew on that one for a while.

stuck on you.

i m reading this book by sashi deshpande called 'the dark holds no terrors'... during my 'time' in stella maris as a literature student the goodness and the quality of deshpandes writing were droned on and on about. i have nothing against her per say.. but not only her titles, her book covers (jackets), protagonists are stuck in some freaking time warp... its very cyclic and irritating. they are depressed thoughout the whole book there by effectively dragging you down with them.

i have not completed this book but i can almost viualise the ending.. the lead character( a female) middle class, very unhappy with her life, more often than not would be married and stuck in situation from where there seems to be no end at sight. so hence all the protagonists do is crib. there are painful flashbacks.. images.. so on and so forth.

my point is that why are these women not allowed to do something about their lives? i personally dont believe in the concept of 'victim'... everything you do in life is a choice you make. not doing anything is also a choice. so victims is just a term, which i think these characters should grow out of.

i have not read too many of her books.. but the way its going i dont think i want to.. but yeah recommendations are always welcome.

out of sight. out of mind.

ok.. well im not for v-day nor against it... its one of the many things in life im indifferent to. the only thing that i wonder is why on one particular day love 'must' be professed to the one you love. there are 365 days in the damn year.. and if only one day tweaks at your conscience then.. what sort of a relationship is that?

this sort of reminds me of my parents dragging me to the temple, or students praying religiously before every exam.. what about the rest of the days? we tend to take the people in our lives for granted. and by this i mean everyone.. including the lord god above..

on particular days/ temple visits/ bdays blah blah.. we remember and glorify them otherwise they are relegated to some lone corner.. (ok may be not that bad.. but get the drift.)

my point isnt against these days, occasions or celebrations.. but against the thought that one day of attention can make up for a year of neglect.

torn.

when do i leave you? a good question
with no answers at hand.
more importantly, why, do i leave you?
your love has made me open up.
feel. want.
i wear my heart on my sleeve.
its not good for me, my state of mind.
maybe i should just leave.
instead of waiting it out.
yeah maybe.
so many ifs, and buts.
im sick of weighing the pros and cons.
yet your face shows nothing.
i cannot read your, heart.
i donot even know what i want any more.
my priorities are all screwed.
friends say love does that.
does it? yes or no is all im asking.
this is my internal debate.
im arguing both sides.
so for once maybe i should just pick one.
be selfish says the mind.
but my heart is marching to a different tune.
how can you make me feel so much.. and not feel it yourself?
the facilitator of change.
elusive. aloof. detached.

*sigh*

the misery called college.

hello... one more lovely weekend has come to an end and once again the cycle of drudgery begins! (drum roll please!)...

starting monday my college WLC... has decided that the students need to be in a more 'attentive' frame of mind(im quoting here).. hence our beloved principal decided to start yoga classes for the betterment of all involved. there was a notice which said:

yoga clases commencng at 7.00 am sharp. monday - friday.

late comers will be 'awarded' pink slips(please note the 'humor')

u may wear comfortable clothing and bring a bed sheet along with you.

my point is if i sleep during the class would that be considered 'transcendental' meditation?? and second if comfy clothing for me is night dress?? and third are the 'teachers' coming for this betterment session?? and what slips would we be awarded if we dont attend the classes at all!! bitches!

my teacher actually had the gall to threaten us that if we donot attend the class then she would give us lower grades.. well we told her to go ahead and do just that. what shes going to fail the WHOLE class?! skank.

we also have culturals coming up... with a budget of 2 1/2 lakhs... i mean really! we dont have sewing machines yet we'll publicise the college... what can be more capitalistic than this.. and we are expected to involve our selves in all possible events.......after college gets over.. which is after 3.. so what do we get done after 3?? lunch?!!
and we need sponsorship to meet this deadline.. like obviously... and they need our help but of course.. and guess who was pushed into the executive comittee?? yours truly.. ;( but yeah i have managed to get out of it... donot ask how.. its art form perfected in stella maris. my fellow batch mates would know. ;)

but yeah have to go now and start working on my submisions. so.. will keep you all posted.

for me, its You...

No. the drugs don't work. have never worked.
Dont think they'll ever work..
So yeah, you can walk through that door.
Not a worry in the world.
Not one backward glance.
Ill just stay behind and wait.
Has it been any different from before?
Not really.
So ill just sit on the worn out wicker chair,
Drinking coffee...Pinning..
The first time you left i didnt think ill see you again.
Yet here you are..again.
Deja vu? yes. definitely.
You havent changed one bit.
But then again neither have i.
You still leave.
I... i.. will continue to wait.

illusion 2005

finally!

i am a graduate...

well yeaterday was my college (Stella Maris) convocation... and amidst great pomp and celebration we were awarded our degree certificates.. ( Bachelors of English Literature)personally its very liberating. its an accomplishment.. i am very serious.

i joined the college on 15th june 2002.. and well in exactly a week i was depressed over the bueraucracy, politics, hypocrisy...blah blah... i left school with stars in my eyes regarding the college.. but well it look less than a week for the whole illusion to fall apart. and there were countless moments where i would tell my friends that i wanted to leave.. this slowly progressed... then indifference settled in. from then on it was ok.. cause well i didnt care.

but that does not mean i did not have fun... i have made the most awesome friends, learnt sooo much (outside class ofcourse) about people, myself.. my limits.. and more importantly my abilities.. i had a few fabulous teachers... and some excellent peers.. the course as such was very interesting.. and there a lot of reading to be done.. and i actually read the authors (unlike my lovely classmates).. jane eyre, oliver twist, midnights children... a lot of indian fiction.. philosophy..
but my favourite was advanced english (a level), creative writing, journalistic writing, post colonial literature, and history of ideas (philosophy).. the teacher miss bernadine was awesome.. and i really looked forward to those classes!

but yeah on the whole a very enriching experience.. at the end of any event... the good is what you usualy remember... so heres to my degree!! *cheers*

and for the batch of 2002-2005 we rocked... and we are free! ;)

Life For Rent.

"its just a thought
only a thought.
if my life is for rent
and i dont learn to buy...
well i deserve nothing more than i get,
coz nothing i have is truly mine."

DIDO- Life For Rent.

well i have nothing to say.. the lyrics are self explanatory.. and scary.. it comes to the point of eternal recurrence (Nietszche).. is your life worth living again and again and again..
if you had a choice would you choose 'your' life? sort of like a measure for ones life..

how much is your life worth?

bluffmaster.

there is something haunting about old hindi songs... how ever much i profess to love rnb and hip hop or rock... old hindi songs have a special place on my i pod.. ;) there is a quality popularly known as 'soul' which the numerous remixes nowadays donot( will never!) have. music now a days has been reduced to semi- pornographic videos.. and well its very sad.

originality and talent are all things of the past.. though many have argued that it takes talent to mix the old songs to the new beat. plagiarism is also very rampant in the many hindi music videos. popular but lesser known hip hop songs are taken and blatantly copied to 'create' these videos... at times the videos and clothes themselves are not spared.

the concept of intellectual copyrights in this country is something that needs serious thought and action... especially in lieu of the fact that the original composer/ creator of the music does not get any credit.. or royalties.

cry me a river.

i donot know why tears are considered sort of like a measuring unit for grief/sorrow... i think the eyes are the most expressive feature in any person... and poignant grief manifests itself in the eyes. the mind even.

tears are but a reaction... sort of like the body/ mind/ soul (whichever..) coming to terms with the loss or tragedy..

i am not very good at hiding my emotions... but then again i react to very little in life.. so loss of someone in the family who is/ was not close to me does not mean im going to cry.. at the same time i am not heartless..

nothing in life is indispensable...neither me nor you... so time does away with the pain but the loss still lingers.

indifference is an attitude.

finally saw 'rang de basanti'... and to be honest im not too impressed by the film.. it started out nicely.. because more than tears and horror.. humor gets people more involved in any situation/ incident. it creates a bond. but i thought that the film meandered towards the end...

but one point that struck me during the film was that when shraman joshi (i think..) says " so what we'll kill the defense minister..?!" ......the audience laughed.. the point of the film was lost.. and towards the end became a farce...

the film is trying to get the audience aged 20-25 to react, to stand up.. revive nationalism.. patriotism..etc etc.. but a section of the targeted audience laughs at one of the pivotal scenes in the film... (i am no different.. it sounded ridiculous to me also..) then it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with just our reaction ....or the way the writers and film makers seem to take the targeted age group for granted.

rehash some old plot and preach to the audience about the freedom struggle, and that gets the point across? right? wrong! i wish they would acknowledge that we have minds that go along with the it- industry sponsored bank balances.

please excuse... ;)

i am not psychotic its just that i like personality tests... one of my quirks i guess.. anyway bear with me... these are the only ones im taking... for now.. ;) comments r welcome esp from the people who know me..

You Are Internal - Realist - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

coffee any one?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

key to my heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

12th JUNE...

Your Birthdate: June 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

choleric temperament....

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

sparks

ok both the pics posted were taken by me.... well they are pictures taken on my cell and uploaded.. they are pictures of a window in my room... one is during the evening, and one taken at night im guessing you can figure which was taken when... ;)

light on

open up!

well its officially been a year since i started blogging.. and i must say it has been very fruitful.. an eye opener in every sense of the word.. i have learnt more about myself.. others... learnt to introspect more and, more importantly learn't (the hard way at times..) that there is more than one perspective to life..
i was reading some of the articles and poems i had written over the year and i must say i have progressed from poems to articles to free writing.. ;), from emotional ranting(not completely!!) to a more rational and detatched thought process..
the whole year has been one hell of a roller coaster.. emotionally and otherwise.. and i have done pretty well for myself i must say... and for those who know me.. know that i write best when im in the midst of the emotion/trauma.. hence ..yeah there have been a lot of articles that are very emotionally charged... as i read it now i can look at it in a more detatched manner.. but i wont change a thing about it... it was written in the spur of the moment and its as honest as i can be..
i like to read comments about the blog.. no not praising the blog/ post, but comments that help me think more... help me realise that there is more than one way to look at 'anything' in life. constructive criticism is more than welcome.. it helps me grow... it has so far, so im sure it will help in the future also.
and finally i would like thank all those people who 'inspire' me to write these articles/ poems/ epics.. my friends, family, classmates, teachers, artists, authors... i guess without reacting, acting, reading and listening to the abovesaid i would not have this blog... so thank you one and all... and a special mention to thangu who got me to start blogging one year back... thank you love...

"open up now...let it all go.."

red light..green light.

good news... college is closed for a week as the administration has been called to delhi for a training period of 1 week.... so partay... be happy for me people!!

sad news i think our teacher needs a new undergraduate degree not one week of fucking training... and we have to complete some homework at the end of it... but that is not too bad as i can do it at my own pace... which is last minute... hehehe

annnndddd...........we are going to have yoga classes for the whole year... from 7-8... i mean get real... yoga for one hour then class?? like hell im getting up... or if i do get like hell im going to stay awake!! losers!!

but anyway i still on cloud number nine with the news of the week's holiday... ;)... when i do get down from there which will be soon there will be another post from my side..

that is it for now... bye...

p.s: any movie recomendations for the week of holiday will be appreciated... except horror and hindi movies anything else is cool....

paradise city.

i got my freedom...my independence.
free from the taunts, the questions.
i am my own master now.
and now have more than enough time to contemplate.
there is no one to distrub, after all.
not a soul.
a busy day ends with contemplation..
giving voice to the unheard multitude within.
strangely, i find that my own voice cannot be heard.
the dissent has become an uproar now..
inevitably i cannot hear...myself.

inxs

well as of now i am recovering from the cold, fever and body pain... and the best remedy is eating.. which is ALL i have been doing these few days... and this brings me to the point i wanted to make ( i always have to start like this dont i!!)

the point is...(yes there is one) i dont like to be dependent on anything/ anyone... so i do everything in excess hanging out with people, coffee, ice cream, choclates blah blah blah.. till i can get it out of my system... its sort like a wierd version of all or nothing at all...

and when i crave it i want it... "saw it, wanted it, threw a fit; GOT it!"

there was a point not too long ago when i would eat like packets of sweets.. and now i cant look at it... i dont know why that is... everything is done till im sick of it and then i move on...

everything seems to me as just a matter of possession... sort of like a twisted cat and mouse game.. wondering who will tire of the obsession first!! and once i have it its like whatever the fuck..

at the present moment its subway sandwiches. and juice. im loving it at the moment but like next week i will not be able to look at it...

but my first love coffee will not change... no matter how much i consume. and but of course music... but in that too i went through obsessive phases....

variety i guess is the spice of life... but then again too much of anything is bad for anyone!

'cause life's like that!

when did life get so lame?? im sitting home on a sunday bored out of my mind.... and very tired... saturday night was fun.... and sunday morning was even better... a trip to broken bridge at 5 in the morning is what every sleep deprived mind and body requires!! and the most astonishing fact i was up to see the sunrise.... shocker!! hahaha. i think i have not seen the sunrise in like 3 years so this was very memorable... took photos, hope to upload them soon, if they are decent.. btw i did mention that it was BLOODY cold... and i froze to death... but yeah it was nice overall..

i have not slept and i am tired, but im depressed that tomorrow is monday which means college.... yuck... and ill have to get up.... yuck...and listen to my teacher's voice who btw we have NOT been able to throw out as of now... sooooooobbbbbbb....

but yeah that is all my sleep deprived mind is capable of at the moment...

bye.

goodnight! ;)

bleed like me.

like sharp nails, your words hurt...
but im not the one to show it.
feigning ignorance i turn away..
from the pain, from..you.
but im bleeding, bleeding from within.

give in, move on.
the philosophy of the hour..
move on... yeah...
blinded in a world of colour,
blindfolded and let loose,
among a myriad things.
im bleeding, bleeding from within.

life's come full circle.
i see you standing there,
in front of me.. not a care in the world,
yet i feel no remorse..
maybe love..
after all... if you love something you let it go..
if it doesnot come back.....
it was never yours to begin with.

you have become a commodity now.
sort of like an experience... a bad haircut perhaps.
or am i simplifying it too much?
i , have stemmed the bleeding, but the pain lingers.
a dull ache...
but too will fade away.

the ten things i hate about you.

i cannot talk without analysing everything once before in my head..
incase you misunderstand something...
i wouldn't want to give you a wrong opinion.
i like the attention.. its good for my ego.
but, i love my space more.
back up...im asking this time...
next time i will not be so polite.
at the same time i do not wish to lose your friendship..
i know i maybe asking too much from you,
but every relationship needs atleast two people to make it work.
you just lost one...

the mask

*sigh* mum came back from mangalore and i got soundly abused for not accompanying her.....

well i am trying to sort out for myself why i have an aversion to the place?? no not because i hate my community (i detest them, most that is...), well i have been thinking and i think its because when i love people too much i dont want to lose them or be seperated from them.because when i meet them again i dont know how to react around them.... hence i throw attitude and pretend they dont affect my life.... shit i suck!! this is a damn never ending cycle...and more often than not i start it.....

mum said my grandma (mum's mum) thought i had come with her.... and was very disapponted to find out that i had not come... i felt like shit when she said that. i have not seen my grandma for approximately 3 years or 2 years... but its been a long time..... its not that i dont love her.... she is possibly the only person in this world i love.....but.... i dont know.....

yeah i also know i have to make good on my new year promise to visit the place.....

at the beginning of time....

well happy new year to one and all..... and here's wishing you all an awesome year ahead..*cheers*...

well new years eve was 'happening' but i'll spare you all the details... what mattered was that i was with my friends... there were many mishaps and misunderstandings but ultimately fun prevailed.... i guess the location is secondary what mattered was that we were all together....

special mention: well kudos to the police comissioner (who i m not really fond of considering his moral policing in recent times....but this time around) security was maintained, but not at the expense of other people's 'fun' events...and over all it was awesome!!

anyway HAPPY NEW YEAR to one and all!!

confessions of a coffee junkie......

well well... we are back to that time of the year again.... resolution time... and introspection.... two of my least favourite activities..as they raise many questions but no answers!! (atleast im honest!)

well the year has gone by and what have i done with it?? progressed..yes most certainly... grown up.... i hope so....


INTEROSPECTION:


well some of the things i have done with 365 days:

1. made new friends...this is a big thing for me... i dont trust people easily so..... score one for me.
2. i am finally doing soemthing i want to.... and actually enjoying the process of learning...
3. downloaded awesome music courtesy friends...and because of my love for it....
4. partied hard.... ;)
5. blogged... and in the process grown up and made new friends.... and well percieved a lot more.
6. had my first modelling experience and what an experience it was....
7. learnt how to stitch under pressure....and not crumble under the pressure...score 2.
8. kept in touch with my closest friend though states seperated us....its so damn easy to get 'out' of touch...damn!
9. read more books....more indian fiction, more classics, harry potter....and quite a bit of shit in the process...
10. learnt to appreciate hindi music again....
11. dropped my very expensive cell phone quite a bit of times and now trying to sweet talk dad into getting me a new one! hahaha ;)
12. relations with parents have reached an all time low.... sad i know....but im not trying any more.
13. but gotten closer to my brother though that is a huge plus point... we are a tag team duo... hehe....
14. learnt to say no more forcefully and effectively might i add....
15. used abusive language more than polite conversation would permit!! hahaha..... and still do ( so sue me!)

RESOLUTIONS:

1. learn to drive!!
2. not take people for granted... i have lost too many that way...
3. go to mangalore. soon.
4. make a sincere effort to be in touch with friends...old and new...
5. throw out my present teacher at college. bitch.

that is it for now. will get back as to how many of those were effective.....

lo...behold.

there are certain moments in a person's life when in one second or even lesser than that, previously amibiguous thoughts, actions and words suddenly make sense.... its more commonly known as a moment of epiphany.....

well iv had many of these and the regret that follows these 'moments' is momentous in itself... *sigh*.....

well the most memorable is when i was thinking of a name for my blog.... many cliches came to mind...but then lo behold this name struck me...it is very me...the concept of destruction aimed at one'self..just to prove one measly point...yeah more often than not its not worth it but...well

as i write this another epiphanic?? moment strikes me straight in the head...... i realise that i set myself up for disappointment...i dont want to get close to people yet i crave for that elusive familiarity with people, that it is almost frightening.... im like when did i get so clingy??!!!!

i do this time and again...get close then cut and back away....very self destructive tendencies....its like i want it all on my own terms and if i dont get the way i want it then fuck offf....im not interested.

as i write this yes i understand i sound shallow, but that is not where im coming from... i think essentially its insecurity talking here...and need for self preservation above all else.

a very epiphanous day over all i must say...

groupism

now that the feel good 100th post is over back to the angst that im more familiar and comfortable with....

p.s : point to be noted is that judgment is not being passed on anyone...these are mere observations that have been made... and i just felt the need to vent.... so no offence mean't. so hopefully none taken.


.........was talking with my friend today and was wondering why it is that most of the parents in my generation seem to have sort of...like given up on their children.... there have been two extremes in behaviour.

group one: they collectively give up on their children like collectively...just say fuck it..and well as a result sex, drug rock 'n' roll...and god knows what all.... the consequences of which will be experienced in the years to come.

group two: well they continuously doubt their childrens ability to learn, grow...there by creating an environment of mistrust and bitter resentment... well my parents belong to this group... and yeah im dying to leave.... the psychological repercussions of this are aldready being felt... i am no longer interested in communicating with my parents. i do not like my family... and there by effectively i donot have a support system.....as personally i feel that there can be no relationship without trust.
so when the trust does not exist then what is the guilt in breaking it???


of course there are those eclectic people who do not belong to any one category....they sort of seem to find the balance and there by keeping some semblance of a family together.

the thing about this whole situation that disgusts is the complete hypocrisy that has become synonymous with the indian family/ middle class.

the most frequently asked 'what will people think?' like who the fuck cares what people think?? whose life it?? and there by with such nonsensical excuses the family members are effectively trapped in a never ending cycle of hatred, resentment and bitterness..
the concept of openness and honesty does not exist.

rather than watching their children grow up i would humbly ask the parents themselves to 'grow up'.

its partay time!!

well this is my 100th post... yeah!! not that i am too excited but yeah blogging is one thing that has kept me sane through this completely, insanely stressful year....

first and foremost college exams are almost over...and tomorrow officially we are planing to throw out our teacher...cause she sucks.

then i hope to get to spend more time with the people i like....hoping your reading this thangu....and tika ......it is awful to know that both these 'homies' of mine had come down to chennai ages ago but i couldnt meet up with them cause of my exams and other things...

anyway as of tomorrow good times will be here to stay... as i am not going to college till they replace that loser we call a teacher!

and yeah plan to explore the meagre nightlife that chennai has to offer and dance the night away...but these are all plans made in heaven! in reality im tired with these exams and actually just want to curl up and sleep...and read...eat.....tv!!!.....music.....blog.....read.....watch movies....meet tika and thangu... oh yeah and maybe finally move my ass to gym...yeah right.

like i have said before i am a simple girl.....small things keep me happy... the rest are all but frills that just make life a more attractive prospect.

anyway heres to successfully lasting almost a year and completing a 100 posts...cheers.*clink* ;)

fight club

how often is the fight not worth the effort??
its very easy to back out...
but to invest in a relationship....then back out...
there is no winner.

im walking away from the troubles in my life....
but for how long is what im wondering..*sigh*

disconnected.....

looked outside your 'busy' life??
while your making money....life is passing by...
its called priorities....double check yours.
get them straight...and through your skull..
work hard. party harder.
nice philosophy.
living or existing is the question.
or better yet do not answer that,
your face says it all....
working. saving for that rainy day..
day to day....year after year.
now the rainy day is here..
you are enjoying the hard work..
i guess not.
life is calling.
where are you?

en vogue....

well yesterday was an experience!

a close friend begged me to model for some of the designs that she had to showcase for a contest.... being the sucker that i am for friends i agreed....
in the process had a whole new experience, made some friends, enjoyed myself, and shed some inhibitions ..

to begin with the choregraphy started at 11.30 a.m..... and the sequence formation was being taught and described.....

1. point one i cannot walk on high heels.
2. i am not comfortable in over the top sexy clothes....(uhhh yes im guessing u get the drift..)
3. and the last but most important point being the drape round whcih was the first one did not ALLOW me to wander around the stage pouting to the audience.... the drapes would freakin fall off me!

oh did i mention the rest of the 5 models had modelled before and i was a novice at this????!!!!!!

anyway as the day progressed i was given a pair of wedge sandals so that i would not fall during the 2 minutes i had to make a stage appearance!! and i wore them the whole day.. the blisters i have today is testimony to that fact!!

lunchtime came by which time the rest of the models and i had built up a good rapport and were pretty comfortable with each other...

now here comes the biggest myth that models dont eat or starve themselves....maybe a few do... but for us lunch was pizza hut pizza's, garlic bread( cheese of course!), pepsi( NOT diet), and icecream... 2 tubs of it among 6 of us.....will post up pics to back up these' outrageous' claims.

then the make up session started.... now this was a revelation for someone who does not use anything but kajal and the occasional lipstick. i will describe the layers in grest detail:

1. layer one is moisturizer.
2. then base. LOTS of it. my face looked a tad too lifeless after the base coat!!
3. then the concealer to take care of our dark circles and blemishes if any. then add water to blend everything.
4. then the powder.
5. blush.
6. mascara.
7. kajal.
8. eyeshadow.
9. lipstick.
10. then a final coating of powder to 'seal' everything in place!!

did i mention this process is fondly called as war paint?? also i must mention the process took like 20 minutes to complete and over 25 minutes to emove at the end of the show!!!

the reaction to the new me??? "different..","maybe you should stand in the light then we can get a better look!".....right!!!!!!

then came the hairstyling which for me by god's grace was pretty simple just a little gel then i was done.

then came the best part the draping. which took hours. and i was poked, pinned, stapled and what not. btw all concept of modesty, decency, and decorum was left outside the dressing room.

everyone was screaming, yelling, harried, stressed, stripping, changing, and getting draped into the elaborate costumes.

then came the first round, and then the second. im not goin into great detail because.... it was all a blur to me, i remeber the judges, my friends mum smiling at me, my frozen look, and well the camera bulbs flashing...... of yeah and we all forgot a sequence......

my friend did not win.... yet i thought she did a phenomenal job considering the time constraints, and the model changes and all.... and i thought her outfits were the best!! hehehe. and the model too..(but of course)..

at the end of the day i learnt more than i would ever learn if i just sat on my arse at home and watched tv.

let me be........

i am what i am.
what i am mean't to be.
circumstances, events and people...influence me.
i am the one who chooses...
life or death, happiness or misery,
friends or enemies, good or bad.
every decision is born from a choice.
right or wrong is just a matter of perspective.
worship me, or cast me aside....
but, respect my right to have, an, opinion.
and respect the fact that i have one.
donot talk down to me.
i am not, dumb..or deaf, or blind.
its just that my indifference is mistaken for arrogance.

let the past be.
let the differencesgo,
let it all just rest.
and, please...let me be!

friends for life.

well what can i say about the two weeks that i have spent?? well i have partied, danced the night away,been involved in fights galore...blah blah blah. in the process made new friends. i do not know them well but yeah we have had fun....

usually me being well me....i would not usually go for any of this.....but yeah i have opened up a bi more and that has made all the difference.

so i guess here's to life! *cheers*

what do i say about college?? it sucks.

my classmates are the only reason i even venture out of the house.....anyway that is it for now.

aashiq banaya aapne...

my recent craze in music genres seems to be hindi music. 2 months back i would not have known the heroes now i know the lyrics to the songs!! this could also be because hindi musik these days has a hip hop flava! my fav song over the past few months is "aashiq banaya aapne" - slow version. i have to specify this as most of these songs have a disco version or remix that could get very annoying!

the words of this song are very beautiful, and i feel that somehow songs in the regional languages are more poignant and meaningful, and perhaps more soulful than english numbers. this particular song comes from a movie of the same name. now the movie i would not watch (not even if you paid me). but i have listened to the song over a hundred times. i serious here.

maybe its a passing craze like the hip hop craze i had. short of thinking i was one of the homies i was into 'da music'. the music is what drwas me towards songs...and there is something truly haunting about the music and the way the song has been sung.

the beauty of the song lies in its simplicity, sincerity and honesty of the words. after a looonnnggg time a hindi song im listening to time and again.

Puddle Of Mud!!!

well i learn't today that i have been reacting all my life!! i am not doing anything very drastically different now..but...atleast i learnt a bit more. i react to people, incidents, emotions, actions.....well you get the drift. and i also follow the motto: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. hence the very self explanatory title self destructive rebel.

now that i have learnt this of myself i wonder if im going to change...at all... i do understand that its human to react but when the reactions control my emotions...i guess i know im in over my head! every time i ponder wether the action/ reaction is right or wrong....and it does not help that im indecisive as hell. weighing in the pros and cons time and again, the time to react/act would have passed. thereby effectively leaving me with no choice.

so... i drift along...sometimes i feel i epitomise the modern day hamlet, to be or not to be.....now that is a damn good question!

hello.....

well its been some time since i have raved and ranted in this 'very' public blog. but anyway... hey to one and all i have been marooned at home due to the incessant rains like the rest of chennai has..over the past week. anyway my good buddy thangu has come down to namma cennai waiting to meet her, and wellllll....SHOP!!

and i need some help please. any suggestions would do. well i have a mood board to sumit....and my theme is 'synthesis' (the perfect meeting of land and sea, harmonious at times but at times violent........but essentially mutual.....)

now the help part : i need to depict this through pictures any advice??? i have run out of ideas....any help would be appreciated.

anyway that is it for now. bye.

killing me softly......

the great indian joint family has a purpose apparently. a family in general is a support system where trust, loyalty and respect are the pillars on which it stands. festivals are occassions where the family comes together to celebrate and part-take in the festivities, shoving aside differences, and misunderstandings. but what if the one system you count on is more corrupt and vengeful than the world you face / hide from as the case maybe??!!

ok enough of the third person writing. by now anyone reading this post would have known im talking about 'my' family!! ( big surprise)

its amazing how one small change can bring down a pack of cards, so carefully arranged. strong and structured in appearance on the outside, but hollow, and without stability or substance from the inside. this is a fitting metaphor for the world that i inhabit (be it in family or the habitat i dwell in). please do note: these are not bitter rantings, but almost cynically detatched observations. my friends would know. i would like to believe that i am not apart of that system, so PLEASE indulge me. this is my diwali gift to myself.

anyway....the cards i was telling you about...well the small change came yesterday, the day before the great indian festival diwali. a small naughty, ball of fur a fawn coloured 29 day old puppy. who we decided to name gubby ( short for greedy gubbins - a personality trait). we ( bro, dad and me) got him as a gift for my mum, an animal fantic. my grandparents (but, ofcourse!!) detested him.i think unconditonal love scares them. they cannot control the puppy with money, or manipulate its affection hence they cannot dictate who the puppy loves or dislikes.

around 11 in the night the dislike manifested into hatred for the poor defenseless creature. ultimatums were issued (the dog or us), threats (you can all leave the house), and omnious silences and glares punctured the aldready polluted air. you would think we bought home the devil wouldnt you??

then dawned the beautiful diwali morning, and it was an unspoken decision that the puppy would have to leave. all this despite copious tears and promises to care for him from my side.

i am very upset, sad, angry and frustrated. not at my grandparents (them i hate), but at my father. this is the man who runs a company that exports products, he has hundreds of workers working under him. and this man could not speak one word in defense of the poor puppy. not one. he just said :"bapma (grandma) wants the dog gone and thats it....thats final" whatever happened to sticking by the ones you love?? im guessing poeple in my house have never heard that charity begins at home. there is no plausible reason why they would not want to keep the dog. we have a huge house, servants, people at home all the time, and a huge garden.....u name it. but there seems to be a shortage of love over the past 20 years or so. so maybe that is it.

the puppy has gone. everyone is acting as if he never came home...except me. i am heartbroken that he has gone. i can still smell him on my t-shirt. i was the one feeding him at 4 in the morning, and cleaning his piss and lulling him to sleep. i am devastated by his loss. his absence speaks more than his presence ever did.

i know i will get over him. like all things in life time will heal, or maybe out of sight out of mind...

but what really haunts me?? what really makes me want to curl up and die?? the fact that no one else would stand up for the 30 -day-old puppy. and they call themselves a family.

fuck you all.

incomplete!

hey.......

today was my full first day in college without my buddy...well it was ok, not bad today since we did not have a class as such.... we painted the class walls woth poster paints due to lack of funds...and patience to fight with the administration.

so we painted stars, diwali lamps, and some crap tht one of my classmates thinks is 'modern art'. its modern alright but art.........;) and then we turned out attention to the glass partitions, and used 'my' paints (note emphasis) and left our everlasting (its poster colors!!) hand impressions on the partitions!!

then we had a competition where we had to design a textile swatch , woth product placement, construction details blah , blah, blah..... and we were like we just started the damn course biatch... anyway the theme was minimalism in contemporary art. and well some of my class mates had never heard of minimalism as the swatches were as oppulent as hindi film ghagras!! but hey wat the hell its their interpretation. we had fun though.

tom is day one of proper college after ;like a month of starting college at various timings like 9, 9.30, 8.30......tom onwards college starts at sharp 8!! so no more sleep. one sleep depreived zombie coming up! and we need to finish our garment construction etc from tom onwards. watever the fuck.

anyway really tired. goodnight.

bleed like me.

you want my trust, faith...my soul.
yet you don't give anything in return.
you want love, lust and longing..
yet, you don't show anything in exchange.

either i give all or nothing at all.
if you would only meet me halfway....
then perhaps we would not, be at this point
i am willing to give...
give in, if necessary.
yet........

its not getting what you want,
its wanting what you got.....

a myriad facets.

"there are a thousand reasons not to go.

you know them all.

there is only one reason to go...

and you know it too.

its called life.

don't waste it counting to thousand everyday.

just do it." - (behind the cover of a book i have)

why is it that the forces in the universe conspire to create an event in your life only to remove its essence later on?? is it to give you a taste of what all life can offer you?? sort of like a fucking twisted version of baskin robbins 31 flavours?!! maybe 'they'(the forces)believe in the philosophy its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. whatever happened to the good ol' ignorance is bliss?? uh?? anyone? *sigh*

the reason behind this self imposed depression and angst is that my good friend and saviour in college is shifting to another college. the reasons are numerous enough to warrant another post. anyway....i was wondering how i am going to motivate my self to go to college from next week onwards. earlier atleast she was there. someone to laugh with, bitch with, and moan with (but of course) and well basically do everything with.

its amazing how soon i can get attached to people, and things, and events. i never pictured myself in my own mind as sentimental or overly emotinal. but i guess you learn something new about yourself everyday..... but this attachment to objects animate and inanimate is scary. whoever came up with the concept of loved and lost never included the concept of heartache and pain.

here i am not just talking about my one friend but all my friends over the due course of my student life and otherwise. it is very sad and scary cause in college we remain inseperable and make promises of keeping in touch yet ......time and life in general i guess have other plans for us. and well from then on taking timeout becomes a chore. then friends become mere memories to be admired in photo albums and, objects to become nostalgic over.

i dont even understand the need to meet to part ways!! ok maybe its a test to test strength of charcter, maybe fate, destiny whatever you may call it. i donot understand the concept. and more importantly i donot have any solution to it. ( me and my need for control)

when i started college itself i was very disconcerted to have to make friends all over again. its very demandng to bare your soul open everytime. and have it trampled over. and to be nice to people all over again.

i crave routine. yet routinely get bored with it. yes yes i know contradictory is my middle name. routine is nice at times. safe. yeah that was the word i was looking for. often safety becomes synoymous with boring. well at times the mind needs a safe haven to retreat to when cornered. or in case the experiment backfires...... so hence my need for safety and stability.

well to conclude i have to say thank you my friend for enriching my life and brightening up my day for the past two months and being my safety zone. wish you all the best at the new college.

*muah*.

" there are a thousand reasons not to go,

you know them all.

there is only one reason to go,

and you know it too.

its called life.

don't waste it counting to thousand everyday,

just do it!"

flipside

well reading a post written by a friend made me think. and well i came to this conclusion. she had written about the lack of a relationship between the teacher and a student in spore. well sweetheart there are two sides to the same coin.

case no 1 well we mass bunked on one bright sunny morning, and the teacher panicked. cause she would get axed so she called us on our cell's (yes we chat) and asked us to move our asses to college. point being most of us did go as she guilt tripped us into coming. thereby successfully spoiling our beautifully planned rebelion

point is that a relationship/s as the case maybe have their plus points and their minus points. sometimes we get too emotinally attached, sometimes detached.

but i guess its up to us to decide if the relationship is worth the heartache or not.

wake me up when the damn week is over.

well the week went by pretty fast. but ask me the same question during the week then i would have stared blankly at you besides hurling abuse...... this week we are going to learn the art of making a mood board and we are going to make 14 types of mood boards in class. a mood board is like a collage where you can draw, paint, color, stick picture etc....its to draw inspiration when we actually begin creating outfits or garments or whatever.

the weekend was boring...tika came home. looking at her sitting on my bed eating bondas, having coffee and all like we used to back in college reminds me of the old times. the dozens of times we have sat in the same position opposite each other in my bedroom..talking about everything or nothing at all. itjust says how comfortable you are with someone, when you dont have to talk at all....to fill the silence.

anyway my teacher is down with chicken pox! i like her but atleast we do not have afternoon class for sometime!! but im positive this will be compensated wth classes on satrudays after she recovers!! sooobbb. but atleast this buys us some more time to do our patterns, and illustration drawings. ;)

that is it for now. bye.

Update

lack of sleep really kills my day. i slept very late yesterday, and HAD to get up early today as we are having a guest lecturer till next week ( btw we have a project also due next week!!, and i dont know the topic. figures naa??). anyway...point being now im really sleepy and just want to laze around, and then it will be one vicious cycle till the end of the week. and then ill be spoiling my weekend!! sob!!

anyway my good buddy tika is coming down this friday. really looking forward to unwinding with the ladies. and just chilling out. and she will be pleased to know that im enjoying what im doing. since she keeps telling (unsuccessfully) to enjoy what i have.

i guess its not about getting what you want, but wanting what you got. ummmm.....
nice philosophy. anyway practicing it time and again. a huge improvement from last year!

btw does anyone know how to delete the damn unwanted comments that appear on the posts ??? any advice will be appreciated!

Q & A.

acceptance is hard.
i cannot comprehend the question..
let alone formulate an answer.
as i grasp at vague obstacles..to stall answering
you are waiting....
perhaps for that elusive answer,
perhaps for me to fail.

yes. i am at a loss for words.
but, there are a myriad different options in my mind.
i won't disappoint. i have failed.
i donot know all the answers.
as said before i donot understand the question.
perhaps i am waiting for myself to accept the failure.

i donot know.
maybe will never know.
..or rather not admit.
but for the moment........
i dont understand the question.

OH GOD !

well hello again.

for a few days now i have been suffering from writers block. or maybe its just a mental block. anyway i havent been upto much in terms of exciting events or social dos. on contrary i have been sitting at home reading, and listening to music.

well i finally read 'the da vinci code' ( yes tika finally!) and well i found it interesting. a lot of facts and dan brown has gone to great lengths to ensure authenticity of the facts. well that in itself is a commendable feat. but i think that the plot is a bit too 'far fetched'? yeah maybe that is the word. and towards the end i was expectng the usual suspects to b apprehended. and i was not disappointed.

the book again illustrates the length that a man would go for his faith. like its said in the book faith and money are great motivators. but the whole concept of religion ( not just christianity) gets distorted as you progress furthur. man's greed and quest for power is well sickening and horrifying at the same time. this book further consolidates my personal belief that religion is merely a means to control the masses. and it is very disconcerting to find progandas being promoted in the name of god.

from the gutters.. to the stars.

a million miles away.
i am talking.. yet....
you dont listen.
gazing beyond.
you have lost interest.
i want you. yet pride does not allow.
stop the meaningless talk.
i' m walking.
but i guess you dont see.
for youre a million miles away...

freedom of speech!

today we had a huge debate in college if life skills should be taught or not. the questions, accusations, and insults flew hard and fast. many of us felt that we rather learn things the hard way than be taught how to live. life is not a damn book. every indiviual experiences and sees things differently. so twenty people will have twenty different perspectives on the same topic or discussion at hand. and we decided we cannot be taught how to live our life. life is an experience. its the journey that matters. the end may or may not be in sight for sometime to come.

mundane.......................

well finally got the haircut at Kanya. its damn short,( and awesome) especially since ive had shoulder length for the better part of 2005, anyway the new haircut seems to have taken weight of my shoulders. i feel free....no idea why coz it is just a haircut. anyway. enjoying the weekend as of now. couldnot sleep late coz college has effectively removed my ability to sleep till 11-12. was awake at 7.30 today!!! then feel into a deep disturbed sleep and was really pissed off when i woke up. ;(
anyway today just chilling out at home, eating, watching tv, catching up on e-mails and chatting with buddies, and welll basically hanging at home. by myself.
i have promised myself that i would start my homework tonight so i donot have to stay up late tom and spoil the begining of the next week by not getting enough sleep.
since college has started though i enjoy my course i miss just chilling out by myself just not doing anything, maybe reading or writing just welll.....chilling. guess college and work load does that you. *sigh*
tomorrow plan to go for a swim hope one of my buddies can join. btw one of my best friends left for london yest. and well it was really sad. i am very happy for her. her dream is coming true. but its sad coz as of now we can no longer just hang out, or go for a swim. she will not be coming back to chennai for sometime and well that is depressing enough.
anyway that is i for now.

the hand that feeds.

you walk a thin line between us and the rest. always there for me..yet i do not recognise your efforts. diplomatic, ever ready, charged, are but a few of the words i could use to describe you.
yet i do not aspire to be you.for you give so much without expecting, so trusting, so open. you wear your heart on your sleeve. day in day out you clean. cook. manage the house. me. papa. rahul......

yet you donot ask for anything in return. you crave for our respect. our recognition. our love... and well go home emptyhanded. you think big and put those into action. and all you ask for in return is just the fee due. respect.

sometimes the enemy is not at the gates but within. biting the hand that feeds. well for those demons and more...........sorry.

Since you've been gone.......

could i hold you?
just a little while longer...?
somewhere i can still see you,
feel you.
i still mourn for you.
for what could have been.
life is but a hobby.
white light in the dark.

could i hold on a li'l while longer?

i can still smell the pine nuts,
the coffee, the oranges...
you were the first.
you were the last.

the week that was...

well hello again. this past week i have been attending college ( getting out of bed at 11 is hard enough) and its been an experience. good or bad i am yet to judge. or better yet not judge.

a recollection of the week that was:

bro celebrated his b'day but fell sick the very next day. by celebrate i mean't by himself and his buddies minus any family members.

i met some nice classmates, some decent classmates and some nice friends.
i realised that my classmates from the 11th have one thing in common everyone is united on the front of not having class. ( wierd coincidence, or maybe just mob mentality any which way im loving it.)

clases are nice. in the sense we just started so they are not too hectic but lets see.....
and the tables are still 'coming' so we have to make do with the floor in the meantime.

college has removed my ability to sleep. this weekend was wide awake and very pissed off from 8.30 in the bloody morning. mum is glad though. ;(

found today in college that from tomorrow we have 'life skills' i mean ????? why?? anyway no idea what class constitues but its meant to 'change' our lives in 2 weeks. plus side no clases( only the morning session is not there) for the two weeks.

that is it for now. btw im still planing that hair cut thangu. thought ill go on wednesday for it. since its a holiday. vinayaka chathurthi. that brings me to the reason of the blog..i got up today since wednesday is a holiday. ;)

but on the minus side have to go the temple. fuck. and we might have life skills class on saturday.

watever.

covering all bases.

sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we are happy. or we try not to think of the circumstances...of our unhappiness.

well im trying both. college started yesterday. it is ok. plus sides its close to my house, have made one very decent friend. the boys are ok, in the sense no leecherous bastards. the course itself is something im interested in. i might be able to transfer credits to go abroad...and well the biggest plus side one of my closest friend has joined another course in the same college.

minus sides?? (remember two sides to every story people) well there were no desks. no canteen. no equipment. no blackboard. and no other decent classmates. and i seem to know more than the damn teacher?!!

now the neutral side the desks, equipments, and stuff are all on their way. books and the like will be coming soon. so technically everything should be in place soon. and we will have visiting faculty coming in soon. notice im using 'coming soon' a lot. will let you know, when the soon is.

the reason why im feeling down?? i know i could have had a better environment for learning!! and more importantly i know i deserve better. so....lets just hope for the best. bye.

its a lloooonnngg way to the top!

well college starts on monday and from then on the vacation officially comes to a halt. i will be working (hopefully) six days a week and i dont think ill be getting holidays for christmas. that means i might not be able to come shopping with you thangu!! (sob!!) and in the second year we have to get work experience. ;( ok on to more positive things well for four months i had just parked my ass at home so, technically its time to move on aldready!! secondly i will out of the house like everyday and if i will, be at home ill be sleeping due to exhaustion (read workload), so no more fights with mum and grandma!! yeah!!

but im nervous about the classmates and work prospects after the 2 years!!(sooobbb!) but i guess i'll have to start college for that naa?? ok so here goes. bye.

can't fight the moonlight!!

well since i have finished my literature course all i can associate moonlight or the moon itself is with madness. a few days back i went swimming and i was all alone in the pool for like half an hour. instead of enjoying the solitude like i usually do i was getting really jittery. then praise the lord people started to come. of course that irritated me just as much, too much of humanity is not my cup of tea. but atleast it took my mind of the moon and its influence.!!

the music or the musican??

well i have always wondered about band loyalty. i am drawn to the music, irrespective of genre, band, band members, race or language. and i realised this just some time back. but this does raise the all important question do u just reject a band/ musican if one song is bad?? or do you raise them to the status of god 'cause of one good song?? fickle audience indeed. but its worth a thought aint it??

drama queen!!

well this weekend has been the most fun i have had in a long time. and it did not involve booze, or any other life altering substances. i met up with two awesome buddies and we chilled out in boat club, gawked at the corporates rowing downstream, ate tons of ice cream, good cheap food (at dad's expense) and laughed like psychos till late into the night. this was on sunday.


come monday i payed the price for the fun. i was down with stomach infection and was very, very sick. but am feeling better today so all's well that ends well.

What Women Want..

your heart, your soul
is all i want.
not money, nor fame.
neither your looks, nor your attitude.
your heart, your soul
is all i want.

take your promises elsewhere
'cause your trust is all i need.
reassurances, baubles, praises
do nothing for my state of mind.
your faith is all i need.

just hold me tight
that proves enough.

your presence is all i need.
your heart, soul, trust and faith
is what i crave.
i'll keep them safe.
i promise.

...just hold me tight.
that proves enough.

independence day.

well it seems like a long time back when i wrote a poem for school titled 'freedom a mirage' (if im not mistaken). and we are again here to celebrate the day india got her independence. i vaguely remember the poem and some of the key issues i raised then, they suprisingly are valid even now. so that should dash away any optimistic thoughts about g8 and becoming a developed nation right? what the fuck have we done with our hard won freedom!

music, Is the food of life.

i finally got the song i really wanted.

and im happy.

for today atleast.!!!! ;)

Rest.In.Peace.

out of sight, out of mind.
i, have, been hiding.
its scary admitting it.
but hiding from what?

that is the million dollar question.

the fear to comitt,
pangs of lonliness and seperation.
the agony of failure,
more so, admitting defeat.
confrontational i am not.
no matter the cost, to others, or;
myself.
i am content to cast aside
doubts, insecurities and disparities
in thought, deed and action.
yet here you are,
raking up old arguments,
provoking, irritating, frustrating.
why can you not let it be?
let the sleeping dogs lie!
why can you not be content;
to drink in the present moment?
for this is all i have to offer.
let them lie.

please.

The Glass Is Half Empty.

life has its moments.
each poignant in its pain, hope, humiliation and joy.
sometimes you are bigger than the moment,
at times...the circumstances overcome you.
emptiness is an emotion.
a wide gaping hole exists.
i cannot cry any more.
not because i 'cannot', but,
because i can't.
silence speaks volumes at times like these.
i wonder if all is lost.
a sadness still lingers.
like a dense fog settling down.
suffocating. blurring. heavy.

Inaugration

something best to describe my writing?? predictable. yeah i think that might be an appropriate word. my causes are limited, tone?? perhaps the same. but i truly believe that every indiviual has within themselves the ability to suprise. especially when cornered. its more like survival of the fittest in a twisted way. its during these times that the indiviual truly comes of his/ her own. discarding the facade that had become life.

lets start shall we? welcome to a glimpse into my world. post-modernist( masquerading as rebellious), angst- ridden, existentialist, indifferent. a deadly cockatail if i must say so myself.;) and it did not take too long to come up with this in-depth analysis of thy self.

but i guess each indiviual to his own. from monotony to autonomy. breaking free from a homogeneous culture.

Three Cheers To.......

i promised myself that one day my writing will take a turn for the positive. the glorious, fun fiilled and laughter inducing. so this is a start in that direction (of course do not expect every post to be 'sunshine' personified). ok lets see what are the positive aspects of my life?? um.. see i have to think to write happy? how depressing is that??!!

anyway. first and foremost lets drink to health, and staying healthy. second lets drink to fact that i am finally moving on to better things, bigger things! my dream of being an important, essential and valuable member of the fashion community is about to come true. ( lets pray for this ok people??!) third lets drink to my friends ( not just my close ones, the ones i have grown up with, learnt from, learnt with, loved, respected and cherished) you guys are my sole reson for sanity, survival and .....life itself.

so three cheers to health, dreams coming true and friends.

little black book

a small diary unearthed.
secrets, problems, mistakes; discovered.
a progression of thought over the years.
a movement towards thinking, perhaps?

upon faded yellow pages, words form sentences.
strung together they contain meaning.
a life lived, living maybe. who knows.
who cares.

a black leather case encompasses the writing.
the life.
a journey lived, explored, loved.

the double-edged sword.

reading other blogs at times makes u aware of your own lack of talent? or writers block? whatever the case maybe.....and some blogs make u aware say that you have 'skills' that others donot possess. on the whole i must it is a double edged sword. on one hand pride on the other insecurity. but either way an enriching experience, what say?

reminiscence

pain. success. humiliation.
joy. hope. triumph.
consolation. regret. advice.
you have been through it all with me.

these five years have gone by so rapidly.
a mere memory remains.
the joy of times spent together.
the beauty of a thing called friendship.

kal ho naa ho

every stage, or more importantly every new day brings with it better oppurtunities. just yesterday i was content staying back in sweltering chennai and living a passive existence. but today there is a new challenge. there might be a renewed attempt to move to bangalore. but lets see.....will keep you posted on that front.
but i realised one more important factor hindi is the only language in which 'kal' means both the past and the future. ironic??
so i guess here is to enjoying the present.

the other reality

morning. evening. night.
days. months. years.
seasons.
measured. monitored.
routine. everyday.
life goes on.


ever taken a chance?
the question still hangs, what if?
guess ill never know.