dissolved girl

its quite awesome that a year's worth of work and respect can be lost in mere seconds. it is also quite awesome how 'grown-ups' can behave. not getting into specifics, but i must say im happy to have bailed before the damn ship sank. though (pettiness does help at times) the captain of the ship is quintessential whore.

moving on. i have realised that never in my life i have taken a damn break. school. college. post graduation. work. back to back to back. now is the time for me to enjoy the break, and im restless and bored. maybe this also has something to do with the fact that my grandmother sucks the joy of chilling at home. like serious joy sucking happening. though she is slated to leave for tirupathi soon. so then maybe it will be much needed peace.

and also apart from all the chilling. i need to make a choice. london or work here. i know what the logical, rational mind says haul ass to london. peace of mind is quite important to me. but i guess all the times where i have said i hope i start thinking with my heart and blah, this is the wrong fucking time to start thinking with the damn heart. wrong fucking time. sigggggggggggggh.

happiness is a state of mind, and im lke out of sight of mind. i know have to make some important decisions. but im just whining. wasting time. and moaning to the few who would listen.

whatever.

famous five.

5 things i would save in a fire provided i got my cellphone/ credit card/ wallet.

hmmmmmmm...

1) my waaaabbbit. no not rabbit. my brotha. :P

2) i pod.

3) macbook pro.

4)

5)

yea that about it. there are no animals in the house. so nothing else to add.

parents. sigh.

there is a reason why i dont talk to my parents. both of them. father makes me want to throw things at him. mainly because he is very chauvanistic. and sexist. and mother well she just frustrates me with her narrow thinking.

"chat" with mother after forever.

in my room. 10.20pm tuesday.

mum; dont you want to get married.

me: no.

mum: why?

me; do i look marriageable to you? and konkani men suck. (yes i am racist)

mum: not all look at your father.

me: exactly why konkani men suck.

mum: but you have to have children.

me: sure. do i need to get married for that?

mum (dying): but i have found a good boi.

me: good for you. when's the marriage date again??

that was the end of conversation with mother at 10.30pm.

10minutes was enough to get my bp high, and i could not sleep the whole damn night.

i hate chatting with my parents. hate it.

pointers.

I am: open- minded, non judgemental, anti-social and exceedingly indifferent.
I think: therefore i am. :P though seriously i think too much.
I know: that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
I want: peace of mind.
I have: the most amazing friends.
I wish: my family would not live in their narrow mind sets.
I hate: hypocrisy and judgmental assholes. and confrontations.
I miss: my friends. (the married ones who have moved on)
I fear: lack of stability and control
I feel: a myriad emotions all at once. intense pain to heart warming joy.
I hear: the traffic outside, and my fingers clicking on the keyboard.
I smell: coffee. and stale air freshner.
I crave: my bed. and a goodnight's sleep.
I search: for that elusive peace of mind.
I wonder: why it has to end this way.
I regret: nothing. all experiences teach you something. good. bad. ugly.
I love: my friends. my brother.
I ache: to let my heart do the thinking.
I care: about animals.
I am not: hypociritcal.
I believe: what goes around comes back around.
I dance: 24/7. and im happiest dancing.
I sing: at times.
I cry: at the drop of a hat. and the hat seems to be dropping quite frequently these days.
I don’t always: behave like the badass bitch that i come across as/ act like.
I fight: only only if its/or someone is worth the effort.
I write: from my heart.
I win: when i pick the fight.
I lose: gracefully (hopefully!)
I never: have done or would do drugs.
I always: fuck things up for myself.
I confuse: birthday dates.
I listen: to my head.
I can usually be found: at home. reading.
I am scared: of lizards. and losing those precious few.
I need: security. stability. reassurance.
I am happy about: my ability of not reacting to 99% of things.
***

technical support

so yeah. macbook pro in working order peeps. apparently i just changed the user name but the password was the one set by the people who installed the os to begin with. hence i could not figure it out for the life of me. but we (me and moi phrend) figured out how to reverse the problem, and well mac book pro in the house.

intel inside.

i am quite intelligent. i have a new macbook pro. like said before. i have uploaded my songs. :) and now in the process of dumping in the photos. in the mean time i open the mac book pro and it welcomes me with my father name! im like huh fuck you, i shall change all this blah. so i change the admin, and add a password. then i forget password. how cool is that? so now i can access everything on my macbook. everything. except upload new softwares! which is horrible considering now only i have to start uploading all the softwares required et all. sigh.

sigh. now trying to figure out what to do. enlisted the help of a friend who lives for the mac. lets see how it goes.

aside from that the week started out well. monday i had to go to the police station ( no i have not yet killed my granma), police verification for the passport. and i had to pay the guy Rs.100 as well. whatever. it is done. no more passport office. no more crappy nonsense. in about 10 days i should have new passport. so phew.

and i have the last few weeks of college remaining. aldready lost interest, and literally dragging my self there to complete formalities. but i am completeing them. so that is that.

b day

well first half of the 'big day' was spent in coma induced by a stomach upset and sleep deprivation. and hence couldnt get up and go to passport office.

so post light lunch, met up with a good good friend, window shopped and chilled at zaras. chilled at zara's meaning got in before the crowd came in, stuffed face. left by the time the 'it' crowd rolled in. im getting insanely anti-social (if that was actually possible). and tolerance levels reaching new lows.

i have never quite understood the concept of spending important dates with random ( read: meaningless) people. id rather sit at home than chat with strangers. (people i know, met and dont relate to, fall into this category). and this holds true since i dont see any need tp paarrtay for the bday and all. its just another day. i would like to chill out with 2-3 friends but that about it.
and not too many people get this concept. aside from constant badgering as to what plans for the day, they assume they are part of the plans.
hmmm question: if you were pat of the plan would you need to ask what the damn plan is?

ranting aside. nice end to ze bday. though i didnt take no photos. maybe over the weekend ill take some fotos.

its a dawg's world.

yesterday was painful. i couldnt sleep the previous night till 4.30am, and had to get ready by 7.00am to go to the fucking passport office. though the office opens only by 9.30 (supposed to, never happens)the damn waiting starts close to 3 hours prior. and with a bad bad stomach upset, and acute sleep deprivation i was a part of the walking dead. moving on from my ill health; the passport office is your quintessential government office. being shuttled from one department to another, one floor to another, one building to another. and full of incompetent assholes. i had to wait in the damn line for 2 and a half hours only to be told that ' no ma, not this letter. fill up it this form and get tomorrow'. fuckers. so i got to go again tomorrow. which is incidentally is the day i was born 23 years ago. so fabulous way to start the day.

the respite in the evening was my lovely sister (cousin) and her husband coming home in the evening, with chip the lab. he so cute. his eyes give him the appearance of having worn kajal all the time. smoky eyed chip. he was quite worried why everyone was going inside the house, and why he wasnt invited. and he massacared brothers basket ball. :P he couldnt figure out why the ball was so big. or why it bounced so much. :) and he is the happiest being fed bread. sigh i want dog. i dont want grandparents.

k, bye.

sigh

i think the tone was set last weekend for the 'good weekends' concept. there was a half baked pondi plan. but that didnt go through. and i am certain everything happens for a reason. a good good friend has come down (permanently?) from london. and im meeting her/seeing her after 2 whole years. many things have changed. and almost nothing has changed. quite wierd.

and since im almost done with my tenure as educator.. im back to whats next. sigh. i hate this. im back to being my indecisive self. sigh. sigh.

show off :P

oh and guess who got their MAC BOOK PRO??? finally!!! :D :D :D

be happy for me peeps. be happy. :P

untitled

some how when i find out that people are as attached to me as i am to them i can sleep better at night. sort of like i need to know im not the only one emotionally dependent. me and my fucked up mind.

aside from that brother is attempting some fucked up version of mohawk. with hsi face it looks kinda crappy. so i resigned as his stylist. sigh.

sing for the moment

some times the most fun is had in the spur of the moment. a last minute decision is all it takes to make someone really happy. had an awesome weekend.

:D

p.s: cheque for mac book pro is ready. now i hope i learn to use it after breaking the bank.

torn.

im all cried out.

after all the rants i just realised that i have changed. and maybe now i expect things. things which i know cannot be given to me. things which i havnt exactly asked for either. its just the expectations that kill more than anything else.

moving on sounds easier said than done.

when you look back do you regret?

and also, perhaps you werent as important as you thought you were? as special?

it is not about having someone fight you battles.

or having them catch you everytime you fall.

its just about standing by you through the good, bad and more importantly the ugly.

and its just a fantastic way to start the week wouldnt you say?

fight club

brother dearest and me have decided to take up kick boxing. me to be able to beat up brother. all 6'3"/91kgs of pure muscle. and he well to beat me up. no seriously. my brother watches all these martial arts movies, then attempts all the stunts on me. all in the name of 'self defense'. how the fuck am i supposed to flip 91kgs over my shoulder??! if i ask him why he does not try in on the bois he has the gall to tell me that is because the bois will start to cry. whatever. but its good fun attemting to kick his ass. and the best bit is that i cant be expected to win. and if he kicks my ass he gets toasted ("how can you hit a girl!!??!") and if he loses he gets toasted ( "how can you lose to a girl!!!"). so win-win situation for me. wheeeeeeee

more on the ass kicking when we haul ass to the classes.

identiti

i had the most painful experience a couple of days back. not like phsically excruciating pain and all. but painful never the less. for some reason i did a search on facebook for my own lovely name.. (something done out of utter joblessness) and; well i realised that some other person had taken up my name and a photo of mine (with a friend!)from some album. and was randomly adding some of my freinds to boot! no one realised that it wasnt actually me adding them. the point is that im a little obsessed with my privacy, space and the like. so i went ballistic. i mailed facebook, and told my loving friends to block the indiviual.

alls well that ends well. the person's profile has been removed from facebook. and im going to bed felling better. but it was quite the rude fucking jolt to see your face staring at you from some one else's profile.

point is i dont know who the person is. what the intention was. maybe just harmless. maybe not. but an intrusion on my privacy and my photos is not acceptable. its quite nice to know these social networking sites take these things seriously.

so now we are back to aimlessly drinking/guzzling kapi in the morning. sigh. life is back to normal.

sigh.

its so fucking hot. heat aside.

yesterday was a good good friend's bday. and im quite sad that she is so far away. all the way in nebraska. i cant seem to call her. and she is busy with exams to call.

"maybe our girlfriends are soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." - Sex and the city. not that i watch the show. or even know who said it. but it rings quite true.

monday morning

sigh i quite hate monday mornings. after getting to sleep in and laze in bed on sundays, getting up at 7 is a whore. 3 cups of kapi in the past 2 1/2 hours. and im still groggy, cranky and sleep deprived. ironically try as i might i cant seem to sleep longer than 9.00am on sundays. work has screwd up my lifestyle. sigh.
anddd...
i have 2 more months, then i finish working for a year at college. i am so waiting to finish the year and leave. quite eagerly waiting to leave, might i add. of course the decent bank balance as well. so whee.

on another note a friend is getting engaged this thursday. and since i wont be able to make it for the wedding i thought i would take a gift for her. now my dilemma is should i get something for her alone, or for boi as well.. hmmm i dont know him. and i frankly cant be bothered with the boi. but the gurl i louve.
so suggestions would be welcome.

collage

sometimes i wonder if im one dimensional. like mentally. i have a couple of things that i like. somethings i dont. and it does not change much. im trying to see how much i have changed with my various experiences and contact with different people i have met. the thing is that i am who i am. i am always open to new interpretations. always, always respect an opinion. but i have mine and i shall stick to it come hell or high water. maybe it has to with the fact that if its mine then if i fuck up i am to blame. if i rock the joint; well its my tune rocking the joint typa thing.

maybe.

moving on. i have always felt i am a difficult person to live with. offlate i have been realising that it might just be impossible to live with me. like for life type of thing. if i am like your flatmate i shall probably be your favourite person, since im highly non judgemental, and extremely indifferent (dont know that is a good thing). but if i am looking at life partner (i dont want to say husband. i break into cold sweat) i have sooooo many space issues. i think i am best from a distance.

this is not some sympathy rant. its more of an observation. emotional detatchment enables me to scrutinise everything from a distance..

though moving on, yesterday was some random bonding session with father and brother. if mother was there session would have abruptly stopped. i saw "chak de" yesterday. was ok. though i thought they chose an interesting bunch of girls :) brother goes on overdrive when we see these 'sports films'. inevitably they all are those under dog stories. and he will force me to watch it as well.

i told father " i will pay for my laptop, papa". and father has taken it to heart. so mac book pro on its way i think. zero bank balance.

and i have been in such a cranky mood off late. and so anti-social its quite a nice tale.

also i have made many many resolutions to hit the gyma and get some exercise. maybe i should start today. usually its always maybe i should start tomorrow. lets see.

and grandparents have wandered off to goa. and then mangalore. so its partay time without them till 4th! :)

of passion and the like.

vokay peeps. more tagged stuff to do. and considering that im emotionally numb due to various reasons this should be good for the mind. and/or heart. whatever.

point to be noted though i cannot give a straight answer. and almost always will give an explanation.

here goes:

8 things i am passionate about:
first i am so emotionally detatched to most things that when i saw this questions i really really had to think hard. contemplate on life its meaning and the like. i seriously dont feel enough passion for most things. i might attempt it a couple of times with passion, but its usually very difficult to sustain "the rose tint" of/in 99% of things.

1. first on my list would be my friends. they are the reason i am sane. they are my family and my support system. i absolutely louve them homies.
2. next on the agenda would be my space. aside from my friends this is probably the only other thing im 'constantly' passionate about. i louve my space. maybe a little too much. i really cannot deal with people on a regular basis. and if i had to choose between people and my space, space it is. i like spending time by myself, with myself; reading or just vegging out. and like thangu said i dont relate too well to people who cannot spend time by themselves.
3. reading/music: i think reading might take a slight lead in this. i cannot not read. even if im going on an adventurous trip and we might be camping and there wont be electricity . i will most definitely take atleast one book with me. i feel the need to read all the time. though i dont know how people can read more than one book at a time. i can read anything. (barring science fiction and religious stuff) and now moving on to musique.. lol. i like anything and everything except. excpet the house shite. i dont get the obsession with the mind numbing beats. or maybe the connection between alcohol (lots of it) and house should be explored a bit more. aside from that, i listen to everything. i love everything from the jalra bollywood numbers to hiphop to rock. but what i absolutely adore is old hindi songs.
4. the next on the list of 'passions' ( which is diminishing as the list progresses) is animals. i louve them all. no reptiles. but all animals i adore. i want to have a huge house with loads of cats and dogs. et all. not had a dog till now because my grandmother (father's mum) is a skank. but yeah.
5. shopping!! i absolutely love shopping. its not about burning money. but even shopping with others. for others. window shopping gives me a huge high. retail therapy. ever since i started working, the amount of money burnt per expedition has been increasing. this is quite truly a passion. i love the whole experience of it. the clothes, colours, fabrics. whee. im almost always game for it. the only condition is that the person with me should not start with 'are we done yet?' 'didnt you just see the same thing' type of nonsense.
6. fashion and all its trappings. this has to be one of the most consistent of interests of mine. right from the 11th standard when i used to sit in all my economics classes and sketch wedding day outfits for all the ladies. of course this is behind the economics notebooks. and when the teacher did find out well.. and now that i have studied a bit of it. and im working in the field typa thing i realise that i louve it even more.
7. hmmm. see now i really need to think. its like i 'like' a lot of stuff. but to be passionate means you need to louve it all the time. ok i love long walks. either one awesome person for company. or my ipod. i can walk for hours. (ofcourse after that i want to cut my legs and die quitely in a corner some where. ) i love walking by the beach in mangalore. its quite. there is no sign of humanity for a 10 mile radius. and the view is to die for. or in chennai it is boat club road. and through out the entire walk ill be checking out all the gorgeous houses and the extremely fat dogs. and no absolutely no hot boys. maybe a random hot uncle or two. sigh. the irony.
8. i have always wanted to have a house on the west coast. NO. not in gods own country. def outside of that. actually mangalore (suratkal on the outskirts on mangalore) is an awesome place. its a few hours from bangalore, and the scenery there is mind blowing. its by the coast. and for some reason i love the west coast more than the east coast. though i have lived here all my life. i think its has to do with the fact that there are like no people on the beach. no vendors. no plastic! its serious heaven on earth.

oh wheee. got 8 passions. took a lot of soul searching to get to this.

8 things to do before i die:

1. there is nothing i want to do more than tell me family to faack off. and i mean this in the nicest way possible. (so save the family is your life shite for some one who cares). i think it is all the pent up anger and frustration. also the fact that i cant say it now cause im living in the house. and even i am not that stupid to bite the hand that feeds. maybe gnaw every now and then. but bite. nope.
2. aside from all the love oozing out at the moment. i want to go on the african safari thing. i love these wildlife treks. so the kenyan safari would be very very awesome.
3. forget the mind numbing/bone chilling cold i want to go to the himalayas. and maybe if i have enough money stay at that ananda resort thing. but otherwise just going there would be really really nice. i had been to nepal like a loong time back. and the beauty of the mountains especially during sunset/sunrise.. sighh.
4. i want to have a shop. not boutiqueish.. but well something of a lifestyle store. defintely not mass produced shite. but yes. some day.
5. learn to love without letting my head do all the thinking/analysing. and love wholeheartedly. and maybe tell the person as well.
6. this is quite stupid. but seriously i want to learn to drive. and drive in peak traffic and not die of a panic attack. and do extremely common things like learn to park decently and try not (sigh:) to run down aatokarans. and third rate cyclists.
7. learn to walk in stilettos. and learn to love walking in them as well.
8. learn to box. :) i absolutely love the sport. and the agression. and the ofcourse the hot bodies in shorts are all plus points. but more importantly beating the fuck out of someone, that is an awesome high.

8 things i say often:

1. lol. this is in the countless sms's i send on a regular basis.
2. fuck/whore/skank/biyach. for all the assholes in my life i address on a regular basis.
3. love/lover/dawl to all my ladies. no we are not lesbians. :P
4. ma/pa- i think i use it for most sentences. sentence endings. sentence beginnings.
5. hullo! - not on the phone. but as an expression.
6. baby - for the boifrend. lol. :P
7. shut it. its self explanatory.
8. waaabit- to irritate the fuck out of my brother. :)

8 books i have read offlate:

1. Buddha of Suburbia - Hanif Kureshi.
2. The Long way Gone - Ismail Beah
3. The Inheritance of Loss- Kiran Desai.
4. Holy Cow- forgot author.
5. The Brick Lane - Monica Ali.
6. The Devil Wears Prada.
7. Sacred Games.
8. Shantaram.

8 things that attract me to my friends:

most of my close friends are women (this comes from convent + girls college upbrining). the men are there. but very very few. not that i dont know enough boys. most are extremely stupid and self absorbed. and i need to relate to people on a emotional level. and they need to have some sort of an intelligence quotient. most men fail miserably on both. (btw: this is not some feminist rant) they are quite funny though.

1. honest and straight forward : no they are not mahatma gandhi's in the making. and i dont mean thou shalt not steal type, but more like they dont back bite. are not manipulative in the least. im not going to say thye dont bitch. cause we all bitch. but we have never really bitched behind someone's back. its not because we care for them. its just most are not worth the effort to try back stabbing. and if there is anything to say my homies throw it on your(whoever) face.
2. respect space issues ;) : this is probably their biggest virtue. they know the concept of space. and if not understand my space issues they respect it. i dont need to hang with them everyday. or even talk to them. some might be in the same city as moi, but we wouldnt have seen each other for months at a stretch. but that does not diminish the love. and quite surprisingly we still relate. so im loving them even more.
3. they are highly indiviualistic. they dont care for anything, and live life on their own terms. they are highly opiniated and not afraid to voice their opinions. or stand up for them. lack of spine is a highly unattractive thing. so all me phrends have enough and more.
4. most are extremely non-judgemental. they couldnt careless what you wore, what you do for a living. what you do in general. how you talk. yet love you for who you are.
5. most actually 99% of my friends suffer from a dr.jekyll mr. hyde syndrome. they come across as bad ass bitches. but there is a mushy side to them that no one even would know about unless you really know them. and they arent the fragile women who cry for anything and everything. they kick serious ass, and mean business.
6. some of them are insanely funny. and some just do funny( at times stupid things which end up looking funny) things. at times its intelligent/ sarcastic humor. at times its slapstick at its besht or worst as the case maybe.
7. they are all immensly talented at what they do. be it fashion, marketting etc. they know what their strong points are, and are extremely self aware, and very intelligent.
8. not superficial in the least! i think the minute you have a brain+spine and know how to use them both, superficiality starts to fade.

Last but no the least

8 songs i can listen to over and over again:

the songs have more to do with lyrics. lyrics appeal to me more than anythingelse. after lyrics it would be the lead singers sexy drawwl. :P

1. Again- Lenny Kravitz. (that man. that voice. that bost. sighhhhhhhh)
2. Ordinary/ Calling all you Angels- Train. (for some reason i love their songs. i just do)
3. Liar- Korn. 9 i louve most songs by korn as well. but this is my favourite)
4. Kaho Naa Kaho - Murder (right? i dont see the films only hindi songs for me thank you)
5. Phoolon Ka Taaron ka - Hare Krishna Hare Ram (i think its the brotha-sistah thing :)
6. I would die for you- Garbage.
7. Maula mere - Anwar. (you'd have to listen to it and understand the lyrics to know why)
8. Dumb- Nirvana

vokay now time to tag:)

indi.

jan.

schmetterling.

broke

i have really been shopping like its going out of fashion. any more shopping and ill be breaking the bank. its quite a sad story. anyone want to adopt me??

though i am finally meeting thangu ma today! so more shopping in store. wheeeeeeeeeee.

ofcourse no food to eat. soon there may not be roof over head.

jobless. :P

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
Vantage point. thought was ultra crappy. before that though i saw 10,000B.C which made vantage point seem like oscar worthy material.
2. What book are you reading?
"Chowringee" quite descriptive. but nice.

3. Favorite board game?
ummm games (yes even board games). sports. not really happning.

4. Favorite magazine?
Vogue.

5. Favorite smells?
anythign citrusy. burberry- weekend. and a nina ricci one (kick ass pink bottle:)

6. Favorite sounds?
rain falling on mangalore tiles.

7. Worst feeling in the world?
being physically sick. other than that (matters of the heart et all) probably when someone does nto trust you. without trust there is no relationship according to moi. so that is that.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
fuck 7am. :(

9. Favorite fast food place?
sorry i louve my sapad too much.

10. Future child's name?
uhhhh. ummm. ok i like atreya. but i dont particularly like kids. so havnt thought of it as my kids name or whatever.

11. Finish this statement. "If I had lot of money I'd....?"
retire right now. buy a small house on some hill in Goa ( i louve the beaches). and chill.

12. Do you drive fast?
haha. sure. when i learn to drive ill be driving F1 shtyle.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
lol. i have a dirty (but adorable) dalmation. a big pink dawl. and tasmanian devil. big red one to keep me company every night.. :P

14. Storms - cool or scary?
at times cool. at times scary. but not too many storms in chennai....

15. What was your first car?
uh my familys first car?? well ambasaador. mine. ummm once i learn to drive ill update this.

16. Favorite drink?
orange juice. minus the sad ass sugar they usually pour into it.

17. Finish this statement, "If I had the time I would...."?
read. read. read. write. read. listen to music. drink kapi. read. write.

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
uhhh not really gobbled broccoli like that.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
deep purple. blue black.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you've lived in?
only chennai. visited?? that counts?

21. Favorite sports to watch?
uhh dont care.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
no one sent it. im took it off schmetterling's blog. one thing nice??? i love reading her blog. that probably speaks about her as a person as well. by defualt meaning i love her?? :P dont knwo all that. for the time being i love reading blog. (yes i cant give a straight answer at times)

23. What's under your bed?
nothing. i hate to clutter stuff under the bed and all.

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
i dont really wana come back.

.25. Morning person, or night owl?.
night owl.

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
hard boiled. i hate under cooked meat or meat products. not that i eat too much of either. but id rather have it charred than rare.

27. Favorite place to relax?
my room. or a sofa in the drawing room, provided no one (family members) not around.

28. Favorite pie?
i love all pies and tarts. i think its the biscuit/flour base. except choclate. but fav?? would be a toss between apple and the berry (blue/raspberry/strawberry) pies.

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?
coffee. then butterscotch. and tutti frutti. :)

30. Of all the people you tagged this to, who's most likely to respond first?
hmm dont know. who ever is most jobless i guess. and im not tagging any one in particular. whoever is interestd go right ahead.

update.

first of all health wise much better. headaches gone. actually reduced. and well generally feeling better. still should get more sleep though. and maybe a tad bit less kapi.

other than that. my old pink phone died off on me. very sadly and painfully. first camera died. then the display. then battery life. and it was pink! :( so got a new one for ugaadi (konani/telgu new year). this one is the N73 music edition.the key pad is sooo tiney. and i text so much. sigh.

other than that?? yesterday i spent a better part of my evening teaching brother psychology. what he is doing with that in engineering is beyond me. and, interest from his side 0%. my effort 80%. today is the exam and brother calls me from outside the exam hall to ask "how do you spell Freud?!!!"

i want a break. :(

on a more positive note tika has come down. vysh is also coming. and maybe maybe ill finally get to meet thangu ma :P

in sickness and in health

the whole of march i have been a very sickly child. i would (and still am) recover from one to plunge into another. it started with me hurting my knee. or actually my right leg sleeping off on me at 3am. and when i woke up it could not take my entire body weight. there by leaving all sad and in pain on the fucking floor for about 30 mins. then i slowly got up and crawled to the bed. The next day joy of all joys i could not walk properly. i could rest my body weight on that leg. and the left leg has hit a cabinet during the fall and i had a huge blue bruise on the that leg.

then just as i could walk. and not feel like an invalid. i fainted in college. the teacher who was with me when i fainted says it might be due to low bp. with a family like mine i wonder how that is possible. but yeah. i recovered. ate and went home. half day pay cut.

only to fall sick with viral fever the entire weekend. throat pain. fever. body ache. the works i say .

now as viral fever has disappeared, one side fo my head is paining. only one side. and it is very wierd since i never get headaches unless i haven't had kapi in sometime. brother is joyfully predicting tumor. biyach that he is. friend says i might be heading towards migraine and the like. which is extremely sad. as i am writing this i can feel the thorbbing in the left side of my fucking head. and i have 3 cups of kapi in the past hour and half.

sighhh.

im quite eagerly waiting for march to come to a halt. and hoping i start april on a fresh note.

what goes around comes back around

sometime last year brotha dearest had gone to the rowing nationals to hyderabad. where he was only civillian to compete in a competition monopolised by the 'army men'. there were many unfair practices adopted by the army competition, the minute they found out that my brother was actual competition. as a result brother wasnt selected for the finals. and the person who did win the finals went to the asian games. much to the disappointment of baby brother.

but well as the tile goes what goes around comes back around. brother was determined to kick army ass. so he started training for the past 6 months. traning began at 4.30am involved stirict diets and intensive workouts. and he went to the nationals again this year. and well he won the gold. he is the youngest ever to do so. and the first civillian in 20 years to whoop army ass. and what is more heartening is the fact that james sir who whooped army ass 20 years ago trained my brother for the nationals :)

this reminds me of all those zillion sports movies i have seen where the underdogs win after much toil and hardship. most deserving win if i do say so.

she will be loved.

i think with my head.

write with my heart.

and talk with a bravado thats,

more farce than true.

off late im on a 'what if' trip.

for the only beauty of unrequitted love lies in the 'what if'

and the bravado that usually flows so easily

well seems to have deserted me.

its not about comittment.

might be about trust. faith even.

it probably is about letting your guard down

a free fall of trust.

hope.

but, actually is just a prayer that someone does not,

will not,

break your heart.

quirk for the day.

apparently ma louve knows all me quirks. so i am going to rack brain to find newer quirkks which i shall post randomly.

quirk for the day:
when i read books and there is something that strikes me as interesting or 'profound' i note down the sentence, para etc in a book. this is the same book i write down all me poems and angst ridden thoughts.

the last book i read 'the inheritance of loss' didnt affect me muchly. maybe 'buddha of suburbia'- hanif kureishi would have a better imapct.

quirky seven.

hmmm thangu ma louve tagged me with 7 quirks that i have, and well need to shout out to the rest of the world. just incase they didnt think i was wierd enough. now i dont know what consitutes as quirks and whats just plain creepy or boring.. so im just goin to list'em out.

now for zem quirks.

1. for starters i dont like children or maybe i should say im not fond of them. i dont seem to possess any maternal instincts what so ever. i think some babies are cute. and by these i mean fat babies. but i dont go all "awwwwww" over babies or children. infact im not unsure how to react around them at times. wierdly my brother (the anti-social biyach) is quite good with kids. the smaller they are the more he likes to harass them. think i found a babysitter if i ever have kids.
2. maybe this goes with my short attention span and the general adage that i get bored with everything at the drop of a hat. people rarely sustain my attention over prolonged periods. its not to say your not interesting( some just arent) but well i get bored. people or otherwise. and the ones that do sustain my interest you know who you are. :D
3. and coming to numbah thweee. think 2&3 are related. i expect every relationship to end. friendship or otherwise. naturally or otherwise. i dont know why. or maybe its me being highly insecure. other times we just drift apart.
4. im not romantic in the least. the candle light dinner hoopla holds no meaning. and roses and choclates/ and gifts dont make a difference to my life. and i cant sit through any romantic comedies/ or chick flicks even. truth be told i dont love easily , but when/if i do, i give it all. its sort of like all or nothing at all. extremes at its besht.
5. i lourve rasins. i dont know why. i can sit and eat a cups full of them. but im not so fond of the nuts. :P and speaking about food i love my brahmin sapad. nothing beats rasam rice with potato curry and appalam. i louve home food. and i love my vegetables and fruits. but rasins rule the roost. :)
6. i love animals. more than people without a doubt. i have always wanted a house on the hill in goa. with loads of cats/dogs/ and every other creature (no reptiles please). i go all 'awwwww' over puppies/kittens. and i sit and watch discovery and animal planet and watch all the louving documentaries that are there. i cry when i see animals hurt. and i get all emotional. but entire generations in my family can die (pass away ? more politically correct?) and im dont really give a rats ass.
7. im scared of traffic. which is why i have never learnt to drive. and i hate. detest crossing roads. ill take 15-20 minute detours to prevent crossing roads. and if im crossing the roads with someone i will be clutching their hands (death grip et all) till we reach the other side.

ok that about it for now.

dance with me.

i think disenchantment is a job process. or maybe this job's process. im quite sick of getting up for work as of now. but the post isnt exactly about disenchantment. its more about a short trip to bangalore. and its not even about the details about the trip.

just one point.

apparently dancing has been banned in bangalore. aldready they shut down the damn places by 11. now because all the 'bar dancers' from bombay have set shop in bengaluru the government got all hot under the collar. so they shut down the dance bars. the bar owners took up a petition with the government that, disco's allow dancing. so the government apparently cannot 'differentiate' between a dance bar and a disco. so what do they do? ban dancing. so now you can stand at all the 5/6/7 star hotel discos with a drink. but move a muscle and you're out.

bastards.

news bulletin

hmmm.. went for an interview with Bill, the faculty of london college of fashion. applied for a course in fashion media promotion. interview went off well. and i got through. so that is one option. other other option would be if i decide to stay back. maybe leave this lovely city. and work some place else. or i could just haul ass to london. or... i dont know.

joy to the world :P

the style shoot that was expected has been done. with a write up by yours truly. and it has been published. it quite a nice feeling to actually see something you have worked on being published with due credits given

:D

the final countdown :P

having indi nominate me for making her day award itself is such a nice feeling. yesterday i had my internet connection alive and kicking with me for approximately 15 mins. So it was a pleasant surprise to open my blog and read this comment. couldnt reply back so done so today :) thank you and you def made my day. so now i have to talk of the 10 bloggers who make my day. firstly i dont read so many blogs on a regular basis just the few. and i adore reading each and everyone of them as i learn something new from everyone. and new perspectives are always a good thing.

so the blogs that i make my day are *drum roll* :D

Masala Chai : aside from the fact that she is a homie of mine ( forgive the b'day forgetting!:) i love the creative talent that her blog recognises. and the template just rocks :P

Jan: homie no: 2 :) and some one extremely dear to me. her blog is just one way of keeping in touch and discussing all the vague/ inane 'philosophies' that we have running through our minds. we used to do this at every random coffee 'joint'. now its on cyber space. that is the only difference.

Rads: reviews on movies, cricket, munchkin and the useless bois ;) keep'em coming.

Schmetterling: random musings, mutual friends we never knew about, fliter kapi, pink. pink and more pink stuff. i dont need any more reasons.

Indi: not because you nomiated me and the like :) but for freshness, creativity unparalleled, and for the necessary dose of fashion reviews and style shoots, this fashionista blog is one stop shop for whats hot and whats not.

Mr. Rationality : now he seems to have stopped blogging but when he did the arguments and long drawn comment discussions def added spice to the mundane.

p.s; get back to blogging.

Funnylifian: random posts on travel journeys, frank and even more random posts on life and its intracies, an insight into CIA, and hopefully pictures of various creations in the kitchen :)

all reading this be nice and make your own lists. :D

wonder years.

every morning when i have to haul ass to work the alarm goes off at 7. then i hit the damn snooze button till about 7.30 then i haul ass out of bed. today i woke up pretty quickly and wasn't too jolted when i woke up either. that is also cause i slept at about 2 in the damn morning and never quite managed to settle into a deep slumber. for no apparent reason i was reminded of school. i never loved school. and i didnt hate it either. there were moments when i loved it and moments when i hated it. the emotion isnt quite fixed. but overall i 'liked' my schooling years. today i was reminded of the times when i had to wake up at 6.15-6.30 to get ready. that wasnt so much of an event the clothes used to be kept ready and i had trouble only finding the damn belt. and had to wait for mother dearest to plait my hair, ribbon et all. two plaits :). i was extremely punctual. and would get to school just in time, and always made in line for the assembly. because that was where the attendance was taken. then i vividly remember filing into the huge assembly hall roll number order. class wise. section wise. then there would be a prayer, singing (hymns), and then the news would be read. holidays announced :P and examinations as well.

7am is not my most cheerful but this vivid recollections / nostalgia trip is quite a nice way to start the day. week even.

family values

i had a rant all set out. thought about and all read to type. but as i started i realised that i dont want to write about any more. please donot mistake this to be some sort of an enlightenment and the like. its just that i am sick. and im tired of fighting everyday. and this is the same people i call family. some of the loving values i have learnt over the past 22 years include:

• how not to stand up for each other,
• how not to believe in concept of trust, or make the mistake of trusting each other.
• how to alienate each and every member
• how to put up a farce in front of every relative we know, just to reitrate (incase they didnt get it the first time around) the fact that we are a happy family.
• hypocrisy.

k i have run out of 'values'. point is that now im sick of fighting. sick of all the screaming. then all the fake love oozing out the next minute. this is worse now that i am working and i definitely do not need to deal with this.

p.s: think it turned out to be a rant at the end. sigh

Happy NU Year

whoo hoo. nu year folks. i have given up on resolutions.. i cant stick by them nor can i feel guilty over not sticking by it. though one resolution that i have never even attempted irritates me..and that is not learnign to drive. im quite scared of the traffic... and have this irrational(or may be not so irrational) fear that i will press the accelerator instead of the brake or something as intelligent as that.

now this is not to say that is going to be my life's ambition for this year. :P

i have never understood the need to celebrate days. birthdays/anniversaries/ new year and the like. if it is so good live life to the fullest everyday is my policy. one day is not really making a difference according to me. so at the back of my mind it hasnt really sunk in that one more year has gone by.

many things to be thankful for from the past year. friends (most who have become like family), brother (as much as i hate his guts:P), another degree:), and now a paying job. some how i never regretted a decision. not to say im overly positive and optimistic. just that every experience teaches you something. sometimes nicely, sometimes the hard way. either which way you fall/or not you learn. and im always open to any learning experience.

so hopefully this new year will start with more positive experiences.. and maybe a new cell phone :P

action replay.

25th dec'07
6.20 am (chennai central): all of us waiting to board train to bombay. no confirmed tickets. but we are hoping to floor the tt with our charm and wit.
7.00am: cant find tt. we are panicking just a lil bit. but are confident about the charm and wit bit.
7.05 am: tt tells us to go hang. after much begging and pleading, he tells us to board the train and the compartment and the berth issue can only be solved after we get to renigunta. coz apparently shite loads of people are going to board the train there. it takes approx 3 hours to get to renigunta.
8:00 am: train has left the station. and we are enjoying and stuffing face with all the food. tried to find tt. to go and beg some more. prayed like we have never prayed before.
9.45 am: tension mounting as there is no assurance that we have seats. and a one day train journey without confirmed tickets is plain hell.
10.00 am: the shite loads fo people enter the damn train as we halt at renigunta. not amused in the least. we realise tht there is no place for us to stand even, let alone sit and travel.

so we throw bags and baggage out at the station and jump pout of the damn train. which in itself was an ordeal as there were sooooo many people! sea of humanity is an understatement.

10.45 am: sitting at renigunta station with designer sunglasses and bags and attracting unwanted attention. finally fixed on a course of action. screw bombay. lets go to kodai.
11;00 am: we find out that the station is so fucking small that we cant cancel ur bombay tickets there and have to haul ass to chennai to do so.
12:30 pm: tickets are booked to go back home. and plans made to haul ass to kodai the next day.
1:00 pm: wstuffing face with the lunch we had taken. the yummiest curd rice can be had on a dirty station platform.
2:00 pm: board train and get back home.

so yesh we finally did haul ass to kodai. froze my ass off as well. if it rains in chennai i switch off the fan. so imagine my plight in kodai. but the trip was worth it.

sign out

alwite peeps. im off to amchi mumbai for Mood Indigo. essentially shopping and a muchly deserved break.


so see you folks on the other side. merry christmas everyone!

p.s: had a very trauma/ drama filled week. after i come back from mumbai if it is still pricking moi i shall blog.. (note: will mail u abt it jan :P)

time pass (mmm maybe not)

over the weekend saw 'i am legend'. the movie was total and complete and utter shite! i thought will smith, movie must atleast be half way decent. i actually expected a total action flick... and what we got was some crap. and more crap. to add the the joy there was some lady at the back who just kept screaming through out the film. if she wasnt screaming she was talking. and thereby i kept jumping off my seat all the time, courtesy her blood curdling screams. i admit the movie was scray in certain parts.. but nothing worth screaming for. the emotional high point of the film was when his dog dies. i almost cried. it was really sad. but the rest of the film siiggghhh.. i cant believe will smith acted in that crap.

i want to see 'khoya khoya chand'. and '1408'. andddd... k i dont have time for anything else will be heading to bombay soon you see :)

P.S:

to add to the sunshine and the joy the street styling that was done was liked by the head honcho in dilli. so life may not be so bad after all.

lil' miss sunshine

we are heading to Mood Indigo. Not participating in the fashion show, but we are headed to Mood I. and that is something to look forward to. its like a culmination of a semster. and despite the fights we are headed there more or less like a group. there is some simmering tension and dislike, but everyone is willing to forego the angst for a week of shopping, partying and IIT, powai (read: hawt punjabi bois!).

:D

big girls dont cry.

i have gone on and on about my mother being in denial about so many things in her life. and ill be quite the hypocritcal bitch if i didnt say that there are times (certain times only) when i pretend that i dont know whats going on. or i just turn away from the whole thing. and i would be lying if i said i didnt care. i do. and i know what is going on. and what im feeling. but i dont want to acknowledge it. excellent stuff or hindi films. or those god awful serials atleast.

sometimes you just want the moment to last. especially when everything is so damn transient! sometimes you realise that it may not be worth the effort. passion requires effort which im not prepared to show. or feel. and love requires and understanding and tact i dont understand or possess. or maybe this is something im in denial about. i think this is the crux of the problem. and im not interested in a solution.

ok im going to stop thinking about this and more importantly blogging about this. reading it gives me a head(heart?)ache.

heads up peeps.

a good phrend and homie has started her own blog on upcoming/ established indian artists, photographers etc etc

http://masalachaionline.blogspot.com/

please drop by when ever.

crossroads.

direction is very important. and not just to get from point a to b. but to figure out if you want to go from a to b, ot vice versa. and when you have passengers on board as well, it is even more important to agree on the direction. just because you both seem to be headed in the same direction, need not necessarily mean you are. assumption is just quite the bitch. and so is expectation.

at the beginning

the start is quite definitely the most difficult. every sunday at times i have to wonder what all has to be accomplished and kind of die with worry as to how the rest of the week will progress. i think it goes with the theory of fear of the unknown type of thing. ok that was a bit dramatic, but get the drift im sure. but when monday comes and goes by as today has i realise that it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. not to say it was easy or stree free. but it wasnt so bad. and that i can deal with it and move on to the next day. and the next. the start is the worst, then it just gets better. or more importantly you get used to it. and hopefully one follows the other!

the winter of my discontent

this post will give new meaning to the term drowning in self pity. so those not interested in sob stories move on.

now for sob #1: not participating in 'adaa' (mood indigo) no money. not enough models. too much bickering. too many fights. sobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

sob #2: i think officially my life is going to be ending. by that i mean any last remains of a social life that i had going. its the same old shite of me and my 'i need my space issue'. though this time i think i will have all the space i want and no one to share it with. awesomeness i say!

sob#3: we had to do a 'street styling' for one of the head honchos in dilli. and there is no style on chennai streets. so we decided to work our own style on chennai streets. and well we went a bit over the top. and we are way past deadline so no time to reshoot. sobbbbbbbbbbb.

sob#4: i think i should figure out what it is i wana be doing later. say a few months down the line. and im still drawing a blank. i think with the money i made from my job, i should just shift to some small hut in goa and chill.

i cant deal with any more tears at the moment. im all cried out. literally and figuritively.
goodnight

p.s: going to tirupur over the weekend. so might do some shopping and the world may not seem to sad.

on track. just about.

mood indigo is happening or happening? is the question my dear. after round 10 of fights we have booked tickets. and now finalised theme and dresses. now we need to co ordinate some more regarding the only thing that will hold this together, and that is sponsors. since we are just perenially making presentations and not get gotten any money confirmed, lets see how this thing goes forth.
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
though i want to go. especially to prove a point. quite petty. but i want to.
and ofcourse the shopping. :D

overdose

they say too much of anything is always a bad thing. (now dont go asking me who is this they) but yeah anyway.. so is too much passion a bad thing as well? passion for anything your job something you like.. someone you love.. whatever. but i have always thought that a little space/distance from everything always puts things into better perspective. or atleast a different perspective.

Baggit.

ok diwali has come and gone. and i spent diwali in college due to some lovely goof up but yeah.

k now to get to Rad's 'tag" about what we have in our handbags... :

vokay this post is like sooo relevant. because i just bought meself a huggee Moschino bag, and had to empty out the earlier one to flash my new bag around da place you see :P
now i have two bags. one i take to work (college) everyday and weighs a ton. and the other that i take when i socialise. so ill list the contents of both. i am quite jobless on monday as you can see.

ok the contents of the (waaayyy to heavy) college bag are *drum roll*:

• note book- overflowing with scraps of paper.
• Blue ball point pen.
• black ball point pen. ( no no no colour co ordination and the like, i thought i lost the blue one hence put a black one as well in the bag, while cleaning found both:)
• another notebook. this is for aesthetic purpose. it has a bright pink cover. :P
• sunglases. huge purple aviators.
• bright pink i pod nano + senheisser headphones (the damn funky ones that fold in to something really small.
• a book to read at the moment - Salman Rushdie's Imaginary Homelands.
• wallet. with like 20 bucks and nothing more than that :p
• tiny telephone book -contacts/address's etc. which i never open. its mostly there for show, cause yeah im that important
• tissue.
• keys to office desk.
• orbit white
• hard disk-80gb with the entire contents of presentations/college work etc.
• then the "make up bag" :) with lip balm, kajal, compact face powder, moisturiser, small perfume bottle.

k that is bag one. now you know why i need so much kapi to keep me going. i have tried to take out some stuff.. but everything seems important and well i like to hoard so yeah........

k socialising bag, which btw is also a moschino. i had some fur thingy..(faux/fake fur) but with the rain and all i thought best not to risk the bag any more than necessary:

so here goes , this one is waaay lighter. there is nothing in it almost *drum roll again*:

• kajal - black
• kajal- jade :)
• lip balm
• tissue
• compact face powder thingy
• perfume bottle
• then those tiny perfume testers (D&G 'Light Blue'/ Britney Spears 'Fantasy')
• wallet. with way more money than 20 rupees. :)
• ball point pen
• sunglasses - huge aviators in bronze- which i bought yesterday and are my pride and joy as of now :P
• sony cybershot digi cam. (i just ADORE photos. being in them and taking photos. the camera is perenially in the bag :)

so yeah that about sums it up. if indi and jan are jobless enough i would like you to attempt this. :)

GROAN

i have been sick. quite sick. fainting in college type sick. but im still in college because.. well because i have taken too many holidays otherwise. ;(

aside from that diwali is coming up like in a few days... and well i have'nt shopped, thought about diwali even. i think full last minute shopping..

and if i dont post anything over the week.. Happy Diwali to everyone. ;)

Bheja fry

finished watching "life in a metro" was a decent film. goin to watch cheeni kum today.

i am reading salman rushdie's "imaginary homelands" and everytime i read it i am reminded of all the concepts that i learnt during my 3 year tenure as a literature student. i dont know if i am able to appreciate the essays better because of my literature grounding (in terms of concept and background) or if the over analysing the book is killing it..

actually that has been a sore point during the course itself. i louuve to read. and will read anything. but as a student you cant read for the love of reading. you have read a book and analyse it in terms of theme, background, history, author/poet/essayist, author's history/background, era, socio economic factors, symbols. etc etc.

so inevitably we would read it merely for the analysis aspect of it. we were given a couple of pointers to look for while reading and that is all we did. i did read dozen of books and remember them as well.. but how many did i enjoy i cant really say..

synopsis

just narrowly missed some more media publicity. this time from makkal tv. now this channel i havent even heard of. so anyway they wanted to conduct a 15 minute session on how the fashion course empowers women. point to be noted it was all supposed to be in tamil!! anyway they decided they didnt want my brilliant sound bytes.. so that is that.

just saw half of "life in a metro". im really loving it. especially the songs.

and finished reading 'harry potter and the deathly hallows'. finally. didnt cry like i did for the previous two books. though i thought the ending with harry having children and the like killd it.. but yeah.

now goin to watch rest of "life in a metro."

15 mins of fame

ever since i have joined college (student/ faculty) i have been either modelling or come on television. this is not to say that i like the attention. im quite happy standing on the sidelines and watching the show. im very happy being the person behind the camera rather than infront of the camera. so yesterday jaya tv had come to college to shoot a segment of the students for mrs.homemakers. the students have to style 20 ladies for a reality show which will be aired from the 26th oct. which is basicaly from today onwards. the grande finale will take place on 21st Nov and that will be an onstage event like a regular beauty pageant.

so anyway yesterday the crew came to shoot the segment, and it was supposed to be a small segment with the students explaining some sari drapes and the styling that the students will be doing on the final day. as the lovely day dawned i thought i would leave mid way as i was sick. viral fever and the like. but what was supposed to be a small segemnt became a two hour affair with the contestants "ramp walking" in the classroom and more than the 20 mins of sound bytes from a very sick baliga. why they wanted me on camera was beyond me. i didnt have anything to do with the whole thing.

though photos of the students work over the past few years in college as well as styling for the finale all have been showcased along with me blabbering in english, which will be dubbed in tamil for the viewers.. thye actually wanted me to speak in tamil for the segment.. which would have been hilarious.. you tube stuff even.. :P

though feeling better and still dying with the after effects of ze fever..

building blocks.

i think i should add building 'castles in the air' to my skill sets in the resume. if i go by what i had planned for myself and where i see myself.. with 5 year plans all chalked out nice and neat i would have taken over some small country or something.. sigh. but the catch being they are all in my head. in reality i cant seem to show enough passion for most things in life. i mean i have a lot of interests and i want to do a lot of things. but setting them in motion seems like such a task. i know "they" say the start is the most difficult. but some where down the line i tend to lose the fire that in started the venture with. not to say ill bail out. ill last it through if i have to but the interest would have died..

and i also realised that people matter quite a bit to me. not too many people but the few who get under my skin seem here to stay. and for those few im willing to do whatever it takes. i dont see the point in making a lot of money if there is no time and no one to spend it with.

im hoping soon enough id find something that i truly want to do.. and something id feel so passionately about to last through the good bad and ugly. while at the same time have those precious few around to share it with. hopefully.

incomplete

i strated reading 'the unbearable lightness of being' over 2 months back. and never got to finishing it. this is the second book in my whole life that i have left mid way. The introduction was brilliant. but somehere down the line i lost the inclination to complete the book. though from the first 4 pages of the book two things have stayed with me:

• first is Neitzsche's concept of eternal return :

What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.' [The Gay Science §341]

Eternal return (also known as "eternal recurrence") is a concept which posits that the universe has been recurring, and will continue to recur in the exact same self-similar form an incomprehensible and unfathomable number of times. - Botyh quotes taken from wikipedia.

• second the concept of life being a sketch. the basic idea is that if life is sketch and we assume/ presume that we have only one life to live. then something done only once, could not/ need not have happened at all. a very pessimistic view as far as i see it. but it is an interesting concept.

i tend to read books, watch movies/ plays essentially for the concept and execution of the concept. i can read anything, and very few books tend to impress me concept wise.. ever since i have completed my loving course in literature i cant seem to just read things.. i tend to analyse them.. and conceptualise them... this is quite frustrating at times.

MOOD i :)

our 2 themes for mood i :

• one is music based. be inspired by a music genre/ artists/ styling etc and create ur own interpretation of the whole thing. rock/ pop/ hiphop/ country/ oriental/ regional etc etc. should be easy right? wrong. this where we have come up with the most cliched ideas ever. sigh. back to the drawing board with this one.

• second is based on "opposites attract". polarities. right/ wrong, good/ bad, white/ black, yin/yang. on this one we have a very very decent theme. and we have the styling et all figured out :)

now its a matter of putting across our concept decently. and having fun in mood i. minus the fights hopefully.

sing for the moment.

certain songs have always filled with a certain type of emotion. if its sad/ melancholic then i feel sad/ depressed automatically. though i might have been the happiest person on the planet right uptill then. and certain songs never fail to make me upbeat and lift my mood irrespective of how sad i have been. music has mostly influenced my moods/ mood swings. not vice versa. and not to say these mood swings last too long. after the song im fine. just during the duration of the song ... its like i become some one else.. and off late its these totally bollywood numbers that have been getting me happy/ sad as the case maybe :P

ohh and tomorrow is a holiday, being ayudh puja and the like :) after a loong time a phull weekend (sat and sun). wheeeeeeee :D

a walk to remember.

everytime i go for a walk to boat club road i am remembered of the countless times i have gone there with a good friend of mine. we used to go there everyday between 5-7 and, just walk. and ofcourse gossip for the entertinment quotient. the houses in the lane are simply superb. and all we used to do aside from the gossiping was oogle at the houses! if not the houses then the dogs. (no the men are quite ugly) i remember even being bitten by one such loving dog on christmas no less. but the memories that the lane conjures up are myriad. and each one is special. the houses, dogs, people. the gosip sessions on the road. then going into boat club and eating icecream, thereby defeating the actual purpose of the walk... all brilliant.

yesterday i went for a walk after a long time. and i realised that i havent been out to that road to just talk a walk in forever! and instead of the usual one hour that i had planned on walking i ended up walking for 2 straight hours. by the time i reached home i was dying from the walk. but was so worth the effort.

simple pleasures.

mood indigo ground work to start in full swing from tomorrow. and its quite amazing to note that a year has gone by. and so frigin fast at that. last year the whole bunch of us were so disinterested in going. and there were oh so many fights. this year i cant say anything about them fights. they will def happen. but we are all excited about the whole thing. plan to shop. shop shop. attend all the concerts/performances. and hope to see them hawt punjabi boys again :) ahhh the joy called life. :)

watte bootiful life.

i swear life cant get better than this. Saturday we had a fashion shoot for like 5 hours. where i modelled. which was brilliant fun. then sunday, monday(due to bandh) and tuesday(gandhi jayanti) holiday! i love this long weekend. i actually thought i would haul ass to bangalore or something. but didnt.. but yeah. i still slept late. got up later. ate. slept. ate. slept. tv. music. ate. tv. :)))) and there is still one more day to go! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

overload.

the college has been invited to design the costumes for the entire duration of an event. the event in question is a mrs.chennai type thingy. and the students are incharge of the costumes and the styling for all ze ladies from the start to the finale. im very apprehensive about the whole thing considering the amount of resposiblities that the students have to undertake. but they seem very keen to work on the entire project. so im not going to be a wet blanket on the whole thing. if possible pictures will be updated.

subject matter.

"Dont explain yourself to anyone.

the ones who love you dont need it.

and the ones who need an explanation shouldnt matter"

how i wish everyone would just follow this. its soooo irritating having to answer people. the minute i feel i 'need' to give people an explanation i tend irritated. one thing that i really detest is telling people what i have been upto, where i have been, what im doing etc. etc. when people i dont give a rat's ass for asks such questions i give vague answers. there by leading to more specific questions regarding what i have been upto. leading to more vague answers. its a vicious cycle i say. that's not to say that just because i love you i can deal with questions. im more tolerant if i love you thats about it. the thing is that the people who matter just know whats going on in you life without any explanations. those who dont know well...

i have a problem with authority. i think that sums it up.

Tagged

7 random facts about moi. hopefully they will be intersting as well :P

• i am not particularly intersted in making new friends. i might seem outgoing. social.. blah. but when u meet someone and you have to be nice (all over again), open your self up... at times its not just worth the effort. i quite happy with having just the few in my life..

• i like my space more than people.sounds highly bitchy yes i know. but its quite true. and if i had to choose i would choose my space.. that way i can decide who i let in.. i cant even deal with meeting people on a regular basis, though i can be in constant touch through sms's/msn/ emails/mail.

• i dont like skirts/dresses.its not about the length. i would gladly wear short shorts.. but somehow i never quite took a liking to skirts or dresses.

• i get bored very easily.i cant sit through a movie. i cant be with a person (any person) for more than a couple of hours. i cant listen to the same kind of music for too long. and say im depressed after about an hour i get 'bored' and im back to my usual self.. (not to say i am ms. sunshine.. but you get the drift.) maybe this has got to do something with a short attention span or smething..

• five minutes in any moving vehicle is enough to lull me to sleep. though i have a particular fondness for cars :P

• im scared of crossing roads.. its traumatic for me.. i always have the feeling that im going to get run over... so stop with the laughing. btw, i think its just that im scared of traffic cause i havent learnt to drive as yet...

• i dont like crowds. and i hate being in the spotlight. hence i detest going out for dinners. there seem to be so many people around you, that i cant concentrate on the food or the conversation. even at a coffee place i always. always choose the side tables.. its like i want to disappear into the walls or something.. and if theres is no side table i prefer takeaway rather than sit in the centre and not be able to enjoy my kapi.

and i tagggg??

Ok.

Rads.

be nice and indulge me :)

see you on the other side.

this seems to be the damn year for marriages! all my close friends have been married or are getting married. and i so dont want to even think about the concept. but it seems to scary that everyone is so comfortable with the idea of spending their whole life with one person. i have so many doubts and insecurities. not to mention the fact that i get bored very easily, people or otherwise. and now the quintessential question is when are you getting married? im like what makes you think i want to get married?? quite surprisingly this hasnt yet come from my mother. father is just plain scared to broach the topic with me. its the people around us asking such brilliant questions. they dont really seem to have a life or even a semblance of it, especially since all they want to know is when i want to get married.

on the brighter side though, we have called to be apart of Mood Indigo, in the fashion show yet again :) Mood Indigo conjures memories. some awesome. some not so awesome. but overall a very memorable trip. the 60 odd photos i had taken is testimony to that fact. this year hopefully we will have as much fun, minus all the drama. so yay!

oh snap.

i think i tend to fuck things up for myself more than anyonelse ever can. i care when its not necessary. and dont give a shit when its due. im so indifferent at times i think it drives people mad. and inevitably driving them away... or worse makes things highly ambiguous. i dont realise who i am getting attached to, and who really matters till its almost over. and at this point i dont know what i want any more. and whats more freaky everyone around me seems to know exactly where their life is headed and what they want out of it. i think if i just figured what i expect from life i should be ok. but that means being very honest with oneself. which i am not ready for at the moment. and to add to the joy i have parents who want to know what my future plans are. its not that i need an entire 5 year plans mapped out. but i just need to figure out a vague direction.

whats even more brilliant, over the last couple of days i just figured out im not as indifferent as i thought. i need people (some. certain people ;), i need to know i am not alone. i need to know that i have some sort of support. and this this just sums up a really fuck all introspective week from hell.

i need a drink right about now.

a walk to remember.

first off all i celebrated teachers day as a teacher :)

now back to the post. the day before teachers day i was taking my lovely walk in the blazing sun. usually i go for a walk between 1-2. but due to some crappy budget work i took the walk around 3. as i was walking i realised that the person coming towards me was my old teacher from stella maris. :) my first reaction was to not ackowledge her. not out of any 'attitude' problems. but the simple reason that i did not think she would remember me. i am one of those average students who do their work dilligently and leave. i am not the naughty one in class neither am i the brilliant soul. i like to blend. standing out isnt exactly top priority so i didnt think she would remember me. and she was the strictest teacher that we had, and we were all scared of her. but we all wanted her approval as well. :P so as i am walking towards her i decide to say hi.

me : hi mam. how are you? do u remember me?

mam: hello! of course i remember you. i tought you for 3 years!

what have you been upto?

me: im teaching now (with big smile)

mam: really? brilliant. and how is it going?

me: very frustrating mam. but a good experience at the same time.

mam: (with her usual ambiguous smile) good good. now you know life on the 'other side'

me: yes mam can see your enjoying my plight.

after this point mam left, and i continued on my walk. but the fact that she remembered who i was has put me on cloud # 9. its quite amazing how the small things make me happy :) that really did make my day.

work it.

and im (re:) joining gym today. its at the end of the damn lane yet i can never seem to haul ass to gym. maybe this around ill actually get fit. and use the membership. now if there was only some motivational factor like hawt boys with hawter bodies to haul ass for. but sighhh nothing along those lines.

we are a family.

im searching for apartments. i need to leave my lovely house. peace of mind is hard to come by even with two floors in a huge independent house. though now comes the hard apart to telling father dearest that i am leaving. i think he might just disown me after this fight. mother just exists. she never seems to have an opinion of her own. father thinks he owns the rest of us. we got a good family set up going.

in the midst of this the entertainment is that brother is the stud muffin in the phamily. his new girlfriend is from pakistan. :) if father found out i might be the only child. or orphaned. actually maybe not. parents have a hypocritical attitude towards the whole, hes a boy let him be. shes a girl what will other people think shit going on. so anyway... now apart from kiwi (short for karachiwalli as i louving call her) there are is another new love in brothers life. :) and he blushes like a gurl :PPP its good fun to trip on him. apparently they kiwi and him even have a song of their own. brother gets very soft an managable when he is in love. and i louuve telling him how cuuutteee he looks blushing. and brother gets very offended as he is 6'3" and huge. and i keep calling him a cuddly teddy bear. i did this in public much to his horror and disbelief. And brother dearest turned 21 on saturday. so god save the world now that he is legal to do whatever he wants.

lets talk.

i dont think father and his children namely brother and me are destined to get along. i have waaayy to much attitude when it comes to the man. and he assumes that he still has some control over us. yesterday's "conversation" came out of nowhere. point to be noted father and me do not see each other on a regualr basis. hes a workaholic and im plain anti social where family is concerned. yesterday i had not goen to work, and father had just arrived from one of his innumerable business trips. we were watching tv in peace, when all of a sudden he decides to ask me about my future. my goals. my ambitions. blah blah. im looking at him incredulously cause we never talk! and now he wants to bond. i get all defensive and not answer the questions. after a point i kinda lost it with the man. " What do you plan to do after this?, what are your future goals?" and im like " are you funding me for anything?" father was like do i need to fund you to ask the question. then came the icing on the cake " what is our relationship?!" father asked. " nothing." pat came my response. and i must admit this came quite out of reflex than anything else. so you can imagine the line of thought/conversation.

i was gunning for a new laptop from father. but i dont think any of that will be happnign ever. and he managed to connect 5 different things and now if i push this furthur the existing one i have also will be taken away.

the thing is usually i get upset with every fight and sit and cry like a 2 year old. but this time i really did not get what the man is pissed off about. quite honestly we donot have any relationship what so ever. i never see him and hence see no need to bond with him when i do see him. father seems to be in his own sweet world if he thinks daughter or son for that matter has any attachment towards him. this i think came as a rude shock for daddy dearest.

point is, if you donot invest and work towards a relationship(or a semblance of one) how can you expect anything out of it??

curiosity killed the cat.

yesterday i was chatting with a good friend (mango dearest :) and it was sooo nice to connect with someone after all the idiots around you. just chilling with her in the class made me realise that i am not cut out for social gatherings that require you to make small talk with a drink in your hand. infact too much small talk might drive me to the drink. i have always thought that to get to know someone you would have to get to know them for atleast a little while.. say a couple of months? and i mean really know a person.. im not talking superficial nonsense. point is that while i was chatting with her she tells me that her boyfriend told her that i seem the person to fall in love hard. which no one i know would ever say since i come across like a badass bitch 24/7. i was really taken aback. especially since i have never really chatted with the boy. so i asked her what made him think that.. and she said he figured this out from a conversation that lasted approximately 5 mins (and that i dont remember at all!) in pune atleast 8 months ago. now i was even more intrigued. though that was the end of that conversation. the thing is that he is spot on in his assessment. except i have no idea how he figured that out, especially since in soo indifferent to all and sundry unless i really like them.. i need to chat with the boy like now!

learn to uhhh drive?

and since im quite comfortably bored ill entertain you all with a story of when baliga learnt to drive. ok i never learnt but got close to it. so anyway a friend and moi decided to go to periamedu and get him a leather wallet. me being the oh so haute fashionista is supposed to know all the hot spots for clothes and like. but the thing is along with the place i should know the directions to the place. i must say i am quite good with directions. usually i can remember a place after travelling there just once. but, well there is an exception to every case. and of course the friend in question does not know the way. annnd his car is acting up. he took over an hour to come in the first place. anyway so we set out to get the aforementioned wallet. except i got a tad bit confused with the left and right turns. and so we had to double back to get to the place. we were on the main road in Park Town and at the U turn is when the lovely car battery died! we tried to get people to push the car but they were all being such pricks and refused to help. so my friends ingenious idea is to get me to drive the car while he pushes it.

a couple of points to be considered: i dont know how to drive. that aside im afraid of the traffic. this si the main road. and the car has stalled at the U turn. and well im afraid of the damn traffic!

ok now back to the fun stuff. i got out and sat in the drivers seat. except i dont know how to drive. i think i have mentioned that point before. though friend tries to give me a crash course in driving. after seeing my horror stricken face he decided not to risk his car getting damaged beyond repair. so we got out and pushed the car to the side. and decided to decently call the tow truck.

i did not learn to drive. though i learnt that maybe i should never attempt driving. or learning to drive. and the friend in question refuses to teach me to drive even under less stressful circumstances. not that i want to learn anyway. but yeah. all in a days work.

match point.

i think i have sent the budget 7 times. and counting actually. if i see ms excel any more i will cry. ill admit maths does not get me high, but the point is i can follow instructions. these instructions dont come in time. we send the budget. then it gets 'edited'( read reduced) and sent back. then i edit and send it. so on and so forth. its like a twisted version of a tennis match. sigh. today i sent it the 8th time. and then the internet connection died so i dont know if it has been edited.

organised chaos.

on saturday there was an event in spencers to promote my lovely college. im not going to say it was the most organised event. neither am i going to say it was brilliant. it was quite ordinary. the studetns had to make a marble painting on a vinyl base and display it. it was a 60 foot greeting card that the students painted on and it was diaplyed from the 2nd floor of spencers. it was also done to celebrate 60 years of our louvely independence. you would have probably seen the picture in the newspaper. if not then sunday hindu 2 nd page main paper :P like said before it wasnt the most organised event. but it was def the most fun. everyone went mad with the paint. and at the end of the whole evetn everyone was plastered with the paint. which incidentally was saffron, and green. there wasnt too much to take care off. and we had a blast. pictures will be duly uploaded. the awesome bit was that everyone pitched in at the end to complete the greeting card. and everyone did their part and then some more. and no one complained. kudos to all my 'students' :)

bollywood/hollywood.

i read an article in 'The Hindu' yesterday about how 'Bollywood' with its unrealistic hype and lack of content has pushed regional cinema t the periphery. the movies that deserve recognition and praise are not even heard of. indian film festivals are a joke and waste fo time and space. not to mention money. celebrities in bollywood seem to have a problem with the title of the hindi film industry being called so. why they have a problem is beyond me. because most of bollywood scripts are "inspired" from hollywood. stunts, and music blatantly plagiarised. when there is such a dearth of originality why would they have a problem? bollywood wants to go global. apparently box office success isnt enough. now they want to appeal to the masses who can think as well. the few films that are original are labelled 'art films' and donot have a market. either in terms of marketing or distribution. but quite surprisingly there is an audience.

bollywood should start thinking out of the box. and realise the star isnt the king, the customer is. and the customer is educatde. so stop feeding us rehashed drivel. then maybe they could take offense to the term bollywood.

in the end.

irrespective of how bad things were. irrespective of how bad things are. at the end you tend to remember the good times. the laughter over the sadness and the joy over the pain.

philosophy at its besht.

"Dont bite the hand that feeds. But, do so if it prevents you from feeding yourself."

i cant remember who said this but well that man is bluddy brilliant i say. mother and father beg to differ. esp since i have quoting him non stop for the past two days. :P

words of wisdom

i adore conversations with father. the one we had on sunday was nothing short of hilarious. parents had gone to pondicherry on saturday and father messaged asking what i wanted from there. i replied bacardi breezer lime flavour. on sunday when they got back

father: 'dont let me catch you with a drink'.
me: i wont let u catch me with one. dont worry.
father: archana. (this is his serious tone now) i dont want you to drink the breezer.
me: i wont drink your breezer. tho, point to be noted, i am 22 i make my own money now. you think i cant buy my own drink?
father: i dont want you to drink.
me: i am 22. i make my own money now. you think i cant buy my own drink?

father left after that.

p.s: i dont drink. i dont see the point in it. im quite content dancing or worse comes to worse socialising. but father needs to learn its a free world. and he isnt the king.

overdose.

yesterday night was dublin's 5th anniversary celebrations. not that i give a shit either way, but Dj Aqueel was brought in specially from bombay to entertain us. as far as i saw it.. the music should have been a mix of desi(read overdose of bollywood) and hip hop. hence i even thought of going. but it wasnt quite what i expected. the dj didnt start playing till some 12 in the damn night. and when he did he talked and talked. and talked. he talked between tracks. he paused the mixing to talk. like what the facck man? of course to add to the misery he played the same bollywood numbers like a zillion times. and he made all the hip hop numbers(the songs i love) into ultra sad bollywood bhangra songs. and towards the end say about 2, we ended up listening to an overdose of crappy house music. and the price for 'enjoying' crap music and 'being entertained' men who cant dance two grand. sighhh im quite broke now as well.

and considering i slept at 3 and had to get up at 7 for work im quite awake.. thought i would have died off on the desk by now..

just another manic sunday.

it was just a regular sunday. father as usual went to the factory. i got up late. and the day was going on fine. because of hardcore partying on saturday i slept of around 4 in the evning. something i never do. at about five mother is screaming outside my room. and creating a ruckus. even uptill this point there is nothing wrong. except i open the door and she is hysterical.

father was coming back from the factory and there was a huge crowd and police gathered at the bridge overlooking the adyar river. so he asked what happened, a guy was rowing on the adyar river(for those who are wondering what river it is our lovely cooum) and the boat capsized and the the guy never surfaced. the question was who the guy was. father called home and asked where my brother was. brother dearest goes rowing every evening on the same river. mother answered boat club. but mum being mum was immediately suspicious. she asked a zillion questions and harassed father enough for him to tell her about the guy who's boat had capsized. mother immediatey started calling and no one was picking up the phone. which is why she started banging on my door. so the calls went back and forth untill father finally called saying that brother was in the gym. and everything was a-ok.

they searched for the body the whole of yesterday. the search was called off at 11 in the night. and resumed today again at 7. the guy who had drowned yesterday at 5, his body was found today evening at 4. he is 25 years old, and had come to practice for a Merchants N Bankers regatta.

i guess you never realise how much something/someone means to you, until it is taken away from you. its quite amazing how much i take everything and everyone in my life for granted.