way back into sanity

why is life about extreme choices? why the fuck cant it be simpler? at times i dont know what i have learnt from my choices but pain and heart ache. i just know that i come across looking like an idiot. trying to find some semblance. trying not to cry myself to bed every fucking night. why cant i let go, and learn to find that ever elusive peace of mind.

coming back to life

hello dear sanity

now that the chaos is subsiding will you please come home?

sincerely
me

my present.

id never have thought i would be a coward.
sometimes its much easier to just give in. pretend to not care.
just live in the illusion.
and not worry about the crap thats my reality.

one month into the new year

i think im always about things coming together in a full circle. be it the place i work with, or people in my life. good or bad things seem painfully cyclic at times. i have grown with some experiences, out grown other things and people, and given up on most. i have become more selfish with my peace of mind, and that is only a good thing. my time is no longer available for the emotionally draining people, work is draining enough. i have made new friends, re-kindled older friendships, lost friends, and bonded with family.

now if i can stop over thinking most things i should be fine.

not.again.

dear sunshine why do you always fucking rain on my parade?

goodnight. and hopefully goodbye.

2.0.1.1

happy new year to one and all. hope this year brings you all the joy and happiness that you deserve!

my way on the highway!

sadness. disapointment.anger. all directed towards me is not exactly helping the situation. come the new year its time to take the initiative. it is my life after all. im done with the meandering. i need to find my direction, and STICK to it.

*cheers*

to new beginnings! even if its not the best of decisions a change of scenery is always good.

ilove!

a weekend not well spent

time out

ever felt that time is running out? and in that panic you make decisions that arent exactly smart but seem "right" for the moment your in?

all the small things

sometimes being petty gives you such immense satisfaction that you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture! (which at that point seems like the best plan of action.)

cyclic.

sometimes i feel like i am searching. always searching. from tangible to the intangible. for that nice top. for a good buy. for that elusive peace of mind. i wish sometimes things will be like a magic show. tada and you have it. or you dont have it. the suspense is over in a few minutes. i have learnt that i hate waiting. waiting for people, for an event, anything. just generally hate waiting. the anticipation of things is a whore. cause it leads to expectations which is the mother of all bitches.

wanting /searching - waiting - anticipation - expectation - disappointment. root of all causes is my want. now to attempt to curb it.

having my cake and DEF eating it too!

so i have had a cupcake obsession for a while. seeing numerous cupcakes (dreams and otherwise) pictures i started to ask people where to get them from. i finally managed to get hold of a lady near my house who will make them for me. 12/15 at a time. and she made the cutest ones i have seen. they are all vanilla flavored with various icing options! i have learnt from various cupcake trials that i like the gooey heart/artery clogging ones the best! if your going to die might as well enjoy a taste of heaven!

next week brownie with fudge icing trial!

need. a. happy. place.

just when i thought i was capable of emotional detachment i go and do the stupidest thing. get emotionally attached. i did not even know that i can hurt so much. the pain is not just about physical distance but ironically emotional as well. i do not know why i keep pushing and pulling so much. i give and try not to expect, but that rarely happens. i dont even know how to articulate this. which is a first for me.

the themes are recurrent, the emotion is always the same. the need is always the same. to move to happier place i think i need a physical change. environment wise. people wise. job wise.

how does some one stop reminding you of the past. the good/bad/ugly whatever. i get the fact that you decide how much some one affects your life. how do you wrest that control over your life from some one?

my ego wants gratification. my heart craves stability and assurance. my head needs independence.

how many people can provide all that and still stay invested in me?

(do i dare say) in us?

fini

why is it that some people affect your life even though you no longer have any contact with them? you try so hard to distance yourself from them. try to stop letting them affect you, yet the smallest thing they do depresses you? puts you out of sorts and you obsess about it till eternity or worse blog about it. its probably called closure. but i don't know how to get there. i desperately crave it. add to those woes everyone knows everyone in this shitty city. and this small world phenomenon is getting a bit too old for me. and too close for comfort.

i really wish peace of mind could be bought.

what do i want?

is it ok to have regrets? cause i dont think i have had any. i always feel things happen for a reason. but off late i regret somethings i have done, and wish i could undo them. or work them out differently.

if you knew the ending would you change the way you behaved/ acted/ lived through/with something or someone?

sales pitch

when your in deep shit is when you would know who your friends really are. and more importantly its brings things into perspective. a better perspective at least. stuff i used to obsess and worry about do not matter much to me. and small things that people do makes all the difference. i think my new year resolution is to never sell my self short. i deserve my shot at happiness, stability and peace of mind and its overdue.

free falling.

so i visited the blog world after a while. i love the new template. i love colors. i am not be feeling too colorful off late but color is very uplifting in general.

so london happened. and it was a two week vacation. more like a b'day gift types. the b'day by itself was fun, but this was awesome. it was the awesomest thing in a while. the food, the traveling, shopping!! all amazing. super depressing to sit in chennai after all the amazing things out there in the world. will some one in london employ me??

next on the agenda is that everyone ( meaning all my people) are leaving! spore/ new york/ UK. very depressing. but things have to change, people will move on.

also i have become healthier. its takes a hard, hard fall to scare the fuck out of you. and that's what happened. and now i am at a much better place. and i am happy to be there. i am not uncomfortable. i care less what others think. and i have putting myself a little before.

i am cooking. a lovely thangu got me hooked on to stir fry's, so when i don't like mums cooking i make stir fry's and that is making all the difference. bought new work out shoes, and resistance bands. hope to work out relatively frequently with them. :D

work wise its hitting rock bottom. when everything seems to go smoothly something will suck the joy out of it all. need a new job. it should be ok. but yesh.

home front the brother is back! and its aweesome to have the giant around. never even realised how much i missed him.

more updates when i am feeling more articulate.

hello :)

so london has finally CALLED!! :D

life's lessons.

when will i ever learn? " to expect is to get sucker punched, almost every time". " to let your guard down is to set your self up for the sucker punch".

*SIGH*

hey there

hello,

so i have taken to nail polish in a big way. current fav colours being purple and black. wanting orange and bright pink soonly.

other than that been obsessively watching The Hills since its so informative. have not read anything worth while... recommendations welcome.

bombay trip happening end of the month. and fingers crossed london in june. :)

k bye.

one wedding and a fuck all sprain.

soooo over last weekend i sprained my ankle (missing a step at satyam) sat on it. got up to get kapi thinking i am a.ok, fainted. got up watched the rest of the movie then limped to the doctor. its just a sprain. but looked pretty damn ugly.

i am also all weddinged out. had a close friend/boss's wedding. coz of sprain was limping around some more. but was super fun. yummy food, and decent company. but the amount of money BLOWN at the wedding makes me a little sick. but i think we all have our varying limits when it comes to money spent. which in a way depends on your upbringing and to some extent your "social/financial status". anyway, will mish aforementioned weddinged friend. muah love and kisses for her.

ankle much better. saw a bunch of movies since i was bed ridden for a bit.

hurt locker - didnt like

green zone - loved!

alice in wonderland - sorely disappointed.

the rebound - uhh chick flick.

date night - oookkkkk.

how to train your dragon - LOVED it.

k thats all i can remember now. bye.

stuff

if your unswervingly loyal, is it fair to expect the same?

we might as well be strangers.

what is an appropriate amount of time to wait for something/someone?

two sides of the same coin?

what would suck more someone your dating sleeping with some one else or falling in love with some one else?

shut down

what is it about a fever that makes us all like little babies? maybe its the viral infection coursing through that makes us feel vulnerable. but being sick makes me cranky. irritable.(insert all other synonyms for cranky here), emotional. very weak (maybe this has to do with my low tolerance levels for pain) and just over all sad and miserable. its worse when my mother is not there. (like now).

a) because there is no food, since grandma cant cook to save her life.

b) no one to fuss over you. its probably the only time in my life where i like the attention.

c) worse when you got to get into work. that just blows.

it makes me think. what if i was staying alone, then who would do all of the above? depressing thought. makes me also realize how much i take my mum for granted.

the thrill of the chase

how often is it just about the chase? as opposed to the object or person (as the case maybe)? is it a bad thing to be in it for the chase?

what if there is a role reversal and you become the prey?

once upon an april

i read a post on how to "break up" with a friend on a friends blog that got me thinking on what kind of friends do i have? type introspective questions, and random epiphanies. and...

i think we have different relationships with different people. platonic or otherwise. there are some friends who you might not have met, texted, im'd, called them in months, maybe years. but when you do call them you just pick up from where you left off. the comfort level is something altogether. quite difficult to explain.

then there are those who need constant attention. and when you haven't spoken to them in days it seems like you are miles apart. maybe it has to do with a lack to mental/emotional connection.

some have been your school/ childhood friends for years. literally decades. but life takes you on different paths i guess. and those years don't seem to make enough of an impact to make you "want" to keep in touch. or make any effort in preserving the friendship.

sometimes you even have people who fall into the random category. who you might be in touch with constantly but don't really fall into any particular category. they may not be your best friend. significant other. or family. just people who you meet randomly and sometimes even make a deep impact on your life.

maybe the point is that different people affect your life differently (duh..lol). and their impact is felt sometimes when they leave, at times when they "get" your back when you least expect it, at times when you stab you back..again when you least expect it. How you react to these various experiences depends on probably how deep you thought your relationship was. I have felt all of these above in the span of 6 months. and emotions from surprise, to joy, to sadness, to betrayal and deep deep pain.

but the good news time is a great healer. or at least diminishes the pain. the lump in the throat will get easier to swallow. and soon disappear all together.

here is to all my chicas and hombres :) who have been there through the good, bad and ugly. and to those who have not really been on their best behavior, well... your pmsing is not really my problem. :D

analyze this.

sometimes I over think and over analyze simple statements. i was never really a person like this. i used to take things at face value, and try as much as possible not to read things that may or may not have been there. but over the past few years i have changed. for the better or for worse i don't really know. sometimes i can be very objective about my personality/character traits, and sometimes very subjective.

i have moved on from the petty thing i could be (and probably was) in college. at least for the most part. become more indifferent. less indifferent when it concerns certain things/people. super sensitive at times. more emotional. scared. understanding. confused. selfish.

i want all my friends to be with you. considering each is migrating to another new country. i want to be happy. more importantly peace of mind.

each night is spent in analyzing different things. and end with some depressing thought. but the morning is inevitably a new day where i am upbeat (craving kapi) but overall ok.

think maybe yoga would help??

meet me halfway??

i dont think i am in any mood to sacrifice. anything. but ill think about a compromise. et tu??

:D :D

You Are Silver

You are down to earth and unpretentious. You don't feel like you need to show off, and you're very secure with your place in the world. You are understated and elegant. You carry yourself with poise, and you're more known for what you don't do than what you do. You can fit in anywhere from a country western bar to a black tie gala. You are adaptable and adventurous. You are blind to social class and background. You see people as who they are ... not as where they came from or how much money they have.

wheeeeeeeee

You Are an iPhone

You are one of those early adopter, super geek chic types. You like a gadget that has a ton of features to fuel your tech obsessions. You tend to know the inner workings of every toy, phone, and computer you own. You’re always exploring and learning. You want the most leading edge phone you can find, at almost any cost. You’re usually the first one in line for the latest iPhone!

boredom part 5

You Love to Talk About Ideas

You like your conversations to be deep and meaningful. You are not a big fan of small talk. You are open to all sorts of conversation topics, especially if they are unique or interesting. You love it when a conversation takes you somewhere unexpected. You will talk about anything, even if it's controversial or weird. You aren't shy about speaking your mind. You may shock people with what you're willing to talk about, but at least it's more interesting than discussing the weather. hmmm quite true.

HAHAHAHA!!

Your Inner Gender is Male

You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant. You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness. You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men. No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside.

part three

You Are 30% Hyper

You aren't exactly hyper, but no one would accuse you of being lazy either. You have enough drive to get everything done - with energy to spare. You don't get overly worked up or rushed. You'll happily take your time. And you definitely enjoy your down time. You can only be hyper for so long. Unlike more hyper types, you don't have a ton of interests and friends. You prefer concentrating on what matters to spreading yourself too thin.

boredom part deux

You Are Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that. (this does ring true :P)

boredom part.1

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

"they count on me to be strong when they are weak. But who's strong for me when i'm weak?"

if you don't act on what you say then your words don't really mean much do they??

iPhone

the title is self explanatory. **SIGH** :D :D :D

something old/ something new.

i have often wondered how people can forget their friends just because they are in romantic relationships. your friends have been there through the good, bad and the ugly. they have stood by you through your bad hair days, fat days and no money in the wallet days. they don't care what your bank balance looks like. or the fact that you might need five layers of make up to look presentable. they are unwaveringly loyal, and get your back almost every damn time.

i get your boyfriend/ girlfriend/husband/wife means a lot to you etc. but there comes a problem when you make some one your world (as opposed to a part of it). what will you do when the world comes crashing down? who is going to hold your hand when the going gets tough?

my friends are one of the best things that ever happened to me. and are my most favourite people in the world. they ground me. make me laugh. wipe my tears when im sad. and hold my hand and will continue to hold it through the good, bad and the ugly.

i know i dont really say it enough but they mean the world to me. thank you! :D

thought for the day

what other people think about you is none of your business.

organised chaos

first off i realised that i would be turning 25 this year. which is fucked up. cause 25 seems all old and grown up. i would have figured my life out. been in the line of my choosing. maybe made some step towards getting some place of my own. (ha. ha)

but its no where close to that. i still feel like i am drifting in and out of things. and that i am still so impulsive, that sometimes nothing seems sacred. and i like my job. but i dont think i love it. and as for getting my own place, i dont think that would be happening soon. i dont particularly feel responsible. or old. in my head i feel young (hence got the license to not take things too seriously)...

part 2: i miss my brother. its fun to have him around. he is family. and maybe even my grandma (mum's mum).

i dont really know if 2010 is going to be a good year. 2009 sucked ass towards the end. in a way things did even out. and that which has not killed me, has only made me stronger. but i dont want to have any high expectations from it.. dont really want to be shot down again.

and a question : do all good things come to an end??

hmmm..

do you think sometimes some one might be happier without you in their lives?

(not everyone are of the opinion that everything happens for a reason, no regrets in life.. blah)

q&a's

question: if your in a fucked up mood, is it fair to take it out on the people around you?

in the sense do you expect people to understand you, there by assuming you have the license to be the bitch??

(i would like to think that when i pms i hole up in my room and not meet people; thereby not transferring the love around. but i need to do a small survey to know the truth)

a whole new world

i wonder what it is like when some one makes you their entire world. might get a tad boring. since i like people with a backbone, and varied interests from mine. but everyone once in a while it just might be flattering to think your worth all that. to be that important that some one changes plans just to be with you, or do whatever you want to...

its amazing to have that bond with people where you can be honest and not be afraid to be yourself. or be afraid to open up cause your scared they might leave. or worse get hurt.

though lesson learnt the hard way pain and an adversary that does not kill you, will definitely make you stronger. maybe more vengeful even.

p.s: im still waiting for the words to turn into actions. and then maybe i can trust you.

to a new year; new beginnings *cheers*

reading a friends post made me realize how we often underestimate ourselves. and how, more often than not we run our selves down. we would never do that with a friend. why do we put ourselves through it?? cause at the end of the day we are decent human beings deep down and capable of a lot.. a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

so i think this new years my resolution is :

• not to run myself down. and never to short change myself. in life. in love. in relationships.
• to not apologize for expecting. expectations from people and relationships in general is natural, and i guess human.
• to learn to drive :P

and to everyone out there happy new years. heres looking forward to an awesome 2010.

getting in to the xmas spirit.

the more trouble your in , the more you ponder over the meaning/meaninglessness of things in your life. and that is when you kind of figure out who your friends are. and well who are not. the last 3 months have been the worst iv had in a long time. and there are few who have stood by me. when i least expected it. and few who i thought would stand by me. and well didnt. did it hurt yes. a lot. especially since i dont make friends so easily. and it kills to lose those precious few. especially when the reason is miscommunication.

i am not interested in any more drama. or even socializing.

and as my christmas gift (apart from my friend :) i ask for peace of mind.

p.s: an iphone wont kill.

a few good things.

this post is only going to be about the good things going on in my life. not that many, but few to be thankful for sure.

the brother is back. bigger than before, but such a relief to have him home. life seems semi normal now.

the drama seems (seems might be the key word here) to have died down at least for now.

and i'm making myself my number one priority. self preservation above all else.

work is going good. i don't know if its sad to say i like my work life (which is more of chilling out than work) more than my social life (as small and insignificant as that is)

and work is the stability, maybe only stability in my life at the moment.

on a random note i have started reading the twilight series. and no i don't like it. but if i had to choose give me the wolf any day.

kapi has also reduced like mad. now i cant have more than my regulation few cups. which i think is a good thing. but i have been sleeping later and later everyday, thereby looking like a zombie at work. sighs.

must make effort to sleep early.

and a good good friend is back christmas eve! so there is my xmas gift :D :D :D

*SIGH*

i could do with some reassurance right about... now??

random

i wish some times words translate into actions. maybe then id believe you. maybe.

predictions and the like...

"You can get along with almost anyone today -- your great social energy really complements the needs of your peers! It's a great time to forge alliances with those you don't know well."

lol obviously my face book horoscope is fucked in the head. i have a splitting headache. broken my kapi diet of 2 cups a day. and been guzzling kapi, and no avail. sob. bye.

last resort

i miss the stability of detachment.

points of authority

having no regrets is part of my game plan for life. or sort of my game plan. cause' i believe that all experiences teach you something. (good, bad or ugly) and its up to you what you take away from the whole experience.

but sometimes you wonder if you did things differently would you be happier? or if you decided not to do something would some one else be happier? that is a scary thought that some one else's happiness/misery lies with you. even scarier that your own happiness lies with you. i not yet sure what role fate plays in my life. i would like to think that i control my life, and the outcome. but at the same time it so much easier to cut back, relax and let fate take over. and blame everything on karma and the like. if your not responsible for the outcome, you dont have to take punitive measures to rectify your mistakes if any.

its not a great thought that you have that much control over someone else's life. at least not for me.

such deep thinking for a sleep deprived mind. night.

note to self # 3

sometimes hope is all you got left.

small mercies

thank you god for the drama less weekend. amen.

a matter of perspective

sometimes if you let that massive ego go, and ask for help you will be surprised by the number of people willing to be there for you.

wether its about trusting the few. or just not alienating the whole lot, a bit of explanation goes a long way.

fingers crossed in hoping this week fares 1000 times better than the crappy weekend, and the shit that was last weekend.

iwant!!

note to thy self # 2

the truth sometimes causes more heartache than relief.

for no one

someone told me last year, that this year would be better for me health-wise and otherwise as well.

apart from a few flu type illness i would say health-wise i am ok.

but moving to the otherwise, i started a job which i hoping to last in for quite a while. but that didnt happen, quite the way i wanted it to work out. i guess life is what happens when your busy planning how to live.

work apart, some where down the line i have been having disagreements with most of friends. and have spent a majority of my time distancing them. which is not such a great move since i dont have that many to begin with, and socializing is not really my cup to tea. and i dont even know what my game plan with this distance thing even is.

on the home front things have been stagnant. no. love. at. all. and with the brother away in canada its not really the best of times to bond with the other family members.

i think i need closure. and i need to move. there are too many common friends. too many painful memories. too many not so happy occasions.

i guess its about remembering the good a the end of the day. but when you dont see the end and its all but an endless cycle of indifference, attachment, pain, hurt and longing there seems to be no end in sight.

i think the doctor just ordered closure.

Note to thy self # 1

stop short changing yourself. people are not worth the effort.

mother and i

now that brother dearest has left, and its even more evident since it was his birthday yesterday. apart from all the sadness engulfing me we are on cleaning sprees. the mother and i. whitewashing and repainting. my room included.

mother has already given ultimatums suggesting that if i leave the house as well (anyone wanting to adopt??) she will be leaving the dungeon as well and going to mangalore.

ultimatums apart, it is difficult to not have the annoying little brother at home. all the annoying bit given he is the closest thing i got to family. if not the only.

mother i thinking is coping worse. she is used to cooking and being on beck and call for him. and i am the more self sufficient and self reliant one. so now she suddenly feels like she has nothing to do. hence the frantic cleaning to rooms and the like.

in other recent happenings my caffeine junkie behavior has waned. died. whatever. i dont enjoy more than my 2 cups. which are oxygen to my usual sleep deprived state. but beyond those two mandatory cups' i dont crave it. and more often than not cant get myself to drink it. maybe this is also coz i am not really working full time now, hence the need for kapi has not yet risen. will keep thou updated on this.

and, im planing on getting my room painted as well. since it has been aeons since the last painting session. and i want some nice bright colours. nothing sad or gloomy. and no damn pastels.

so get back with suggestions if any.

announcements

hmmm i dont know if the below mentioned things are considered progress in the 'real world'. but they are small things that mean a lot to me so mentioning them:

• brother left for better pastures to vancouver. sigh sigh sigh sigh. woe is me. my only family member has left. i have officially nothing left to stay for in this city.
• most of the dental work is done with. root canal down. 2 cavities down. got some more things left with the dentist. but i finally addressed these 'teething' problems.
• got a new llr issued. since my earlier one had lapsed and i had to go get my license, so they issued fresh llr, license in a month.

ok when i think of more accomplishments i shall announce to the world. adios for now.

heylo

this is def a year for new beginnings.

• got me root canal done. got some more sittings with the dentist but the hardest part is always the beginning.

• i quit my job with kimaya. psycho boss. end of story. (thou shall not bitch too much).

• started a computer course, for fashion flats and the like.

• decided to be honest about things that mean a lot to me. got shot down on most things. but i have no regrets.

• brother dearest is leaving soon. and i am truly sad about that. the one person who means a lot to me.

thats it i guess.

lesson learnt the hard way: its ok to expect. as long as your ok with the heart ache that accompanies it at times.

sigh.

i am need of closure. whatever the price. any one?

check in. check out.

sometimes we expect more from ourselves. we wont really let ourselves down now, would we? rhetorical my dear friend. and the flip side being us constantly underestimating ourselves. expectations coupled with loss of faith sprinkled with liberal doses of kapi does nothing for my heart. 

people come and people go. some profoundly influence you. some just provide the necessary entertainment to get by. its those that get under your skin that irritate me. that leads me to believe that i care. and that i might actually have a heart. *gasp*

its about a journey with an end, and no fixed itinerary. right, wrong, morality, good and bad are but victims of priorities. conscience being perhaps your greatest enemy. surrounded with a myriad choices, its what you choose to take or not take home. 

its not an end in itself, but a means to an end. 

status update

been taking the santro out every other day to get used to various "aspects" of driving like brakes and the like.

developed a new love for the iphone. i have no idea why though. cause a week earlier i was not even remotely interested in it. 

the best news I'm off to bangalore. 

bye.

pointers

• have started the much awaited computer classes and they going ok. atleast in moments of joblessness i can learn something new.
  

• moving on i have stopped my psychotic intake of kapi (esp after much info given by loving friends). now its down to 2 cups of kapi a day. mostly in the morning, and in the evening if the urge persists i have a mug of hot chocolate. i have not really worked out how it helps me. but i am thinking it will in the long run. so cheers to health. 
  

• i got my l.l.r on 16th of dec. so essentially june 16th it expires. so that means i have 2 months to buck up and finish those classes and practice with moi driver so i didnt waste money for those classes. but i cant seem to motivate meself to go for those classes or drive around in this fucking city. 
  

• my jbl radial is slowly dying on me, and i want to upgrade my 4gb nano to the 16gb one. with these two done my life would be a better place for a while atleast.

• and july is going to be a good month. 2 of my homies will be coming back for atleast a month. and then i can really have some fun.

okie thats it for now. ciao.

review

delhi 6 was a waste of time. cant get over the mess they made of the movie. though sonam kapoor's clothes in the film was a refreshing change. dev d on the other hand was a revelation. abhay deol (i cant BELIEVE he is related to bobby and sunny, btw) was fabulous. as was kalki. the interpretation of devdas was fantastic. maybe the fact that i had no expectations from the movie that i had such a fab time. 

back to gym, driving class and much procrastinated computer classes. 

fyi

i never quite finished my driving classes. have 9kms left. and well never got around to finishing it. 

reason being, well i am bogged down with work. kimaya isnt cakewalk. never thought it would be, but did not think it would be this much of a whore. 

positive points, i like the people i am working with. but learning wise i dont know how much is happning. 

and since i am never at home i rarely get to see family. so when i do see them, they are very very nice. 

moving on, i need some sleep. so will bitch more the next time around.

new beginnings, and an end.

happy new year to one and all. hope it is a good year, for everyone!

now that the pleasantries are over and done with, driving classes have reached a stagnation point. i HAVE to finish the classes by 16th. then apply for my license and the like. and then i need to practice on my car, so i get the hang of this. 

one hand i must say i am quite happy i actually took the initiative to learn to drive. but on the other hand i must say i dont like to drive. i am waaay to tensed, and the driving and enjoying bit, wind in hair bit and all has to wait. maybe till i am a little more confident about my ability to drive. but having said all this, this is one more move in direction to usurping car and leaving :p

moving on, almost every other person i know is getting engaged. which is great, to all brides to be please shop at kimaya. :) :) 

other than that on the work front work starting in full swing. we are living at the office, and from tomorrow at the store. photos shall duly be put up. store looks gorgeous, with major light and mirror detailing. and we shall be having a few parties and the like.

moving on, my grandma's sister passed away on monday. mother's side. and i love the lady. i was headed to work when mum called to tell me. for a moment all i could remember was the photo of an old lady carrying me when i was 2 months old. and old lady who has written over 20 books for me filled with recipes, jokes and sewing/painting tips. and then i remember, when i had gone in october to visit mangalore; watching a really old woman struggling to breath through the tube inserted in her. someone who had to be spoon fed. who could barely articulate a few words, let alone string sentences. and these are not the images i want to remember. especially of the few people i love. i have to remark at the unfairness of life. and do wonder what god above is doing watching all this. 

it would be fair to say i am happy she passed away. to watch her struggle to survive, after spending her whole damn life taking care of all the grandchildren it is fucking unfair. i think every person has the right to demand dignity in death. no i didn't go to mangalore. i dont think i could have pulled it together if i went there. i dont want to think that my grandmother is mortal, and might join her sister soon. but i do know that her passing away is easier for me to deal with, than watching her struggle to live. and wondering with each passing day which might be her last. 

though, there are somethings to be thankful for, i did go and see her in october. and she remembered my name. and recognized me. 

drive by update

annd today i finally had the balls to take out my santro. as opposed to driving in the school's car. was an experience. since in the driving school car the man teaching me has been always applying the break as and when necessary, i have no idea when to apply the brakes, or how much pressure. but didnt do badly. no scratches yet. though i stalled the car like 5 times. sigh. 

d.r.i.v.e

I HAVE FINALLY STARTED DRIVING CLASSES!!!!!!! 

this has been my new year resolution for many years. and now i finally i have taken the initiative. 5 classses down. wheee. no one killed as yet! whooo hoo!! 

but overall i am very proud of myself for taking the step and learning to drive. :D and i am getting up early every day to ensure that i am going to the class on time and i am done with the lessons before my work begins in earnest, and i am too tired after work to take it up. but yay!

fashion and page3

page 3 isn't my cup of tea. neither is socializing. but to work at a fashion boutique the size of kimaya i guess you should know the basics. starting with net worth of the patrons. without even the store opening we are working on a zillion guest lists for the various parties and launches. criteria is people who would buy the expensive clothes and look good. but thankfully we have uniforms. or i would be spending all my hard earned money on clothes to wear. just blew money on a hugo boss bag, and patent wedges, and ballet flats. something nice and comfy to wear to work, and for random work related parties. 

moving on, i think new year is going to be spent at home. i am not a fan of random parties. and if i am not mistaken we will have work till at least 8 p.m., and then to party.. hmm. i am growing old. more than that all my friends have left. its quite sad. I mish all the ladies a lot! i mish all the dancing and the crazy drives. 

i found my transparent mascara. i am not a mascara fan. not interested in the painful make up removal procedure. but, by chance clarins had a transparent mascara. so whee!

update.

for those who would care

• i am going to start work on 1st december with this huge fashion boutique called kimaya. don't know how many of you would have heard of it. it is based in bombay with stores in delhi, dubai, now chennai and bangalore. essentially i would be working as a fashion consultant at the store. lots of bitch work. but i should learn a lot. and when you start at the bottom you would just have to rise to the top. (or so i am hoping). and there will be a lot of launch parties so hoping to meet people who have the capacity to burn money if i do set up something in the future.
• i managed to delete my 6 gb of photos. i rock. but because i was so paranoid i had taken quite a few back ups. so found most back. but lost an entire folder of pondi trip photos. sigh. other than that not much damage. 
• have been watching movie after movie at satyam. and reading like books are going extinct. dostana, fashion, body of lies (twice), quantum of solace, death race so far. 
• died with viral fever, and many other skin ailments. have been a sickly child this year. which is quite unlike me. sigh. hopefully next year i'll kick arse. 
• ohh and i got my pink 6600 flip phone. nokia.  so this quite a nice way to end the year, which has been extremely painful. 

k if anything else comes to mind, i shall update. adios

how i wish i felt nothing.

you would think after a year things would go smoothly. but when you cry yourself to sleep, and sorely miss your support systems.. i guess you would have to take a look at things. a good look at that. and ask yourself, if it is worth it.

it is not about doing better than you are doing now. not about 'having' things better either. it is about wanting what you got. and being around people who make you feel good about yourself. and also about this thing called trust. which should have grown. and def not about mind games that have crept in. it is about communication and faith. and not petty things that it has been reduced to. no. i am not expecting someone to change for me. but when you haver changed from what/who i saw and knew a year ago, then the questions would arise.

when you have to make changes in your routine you ask yourself is it worth it? when you cannot connect emotionally with someone you ask yourself what it is about. one night stands are not my style. so am i going to make it only about the sex? how i wish i could deal with sex with no strings attached. sigh. treat boys like toys. etc etc. but i am nothing like that. and not going to change now.

i can act like a five-year-old. i can be petty. i can play mind games. and i will win. but i choose not to. not because i cant, but because i know it hurts. and you do not hurt the ones u care about.

yes i know change is inevitable. with each experience you grow. learn. react. but to become someone i cant trust, i guess is not the way it should be. some one should not make you complete. self reliance is important. but someone should not try to break your spirit either. and every relationship should ideally be based on trust, not indifference.

this is not a rave or a rant. just putting into words what i felt. so i can view the situation more rationally. i know what i am supposed to do. but cant seem to get around to doing it. and sometimes the lump in your throat is so hard you cant swallow.

everyone i guess deserves a fair chance. a shot at getting what they want, minus the barriers. i somehow don't think i gave it to you. by expecting everything to end. and waiting for everyone to leave you, you don't really have a game plan for life.

but i guess life isn't really about game plans.

and maybe my friends are right. sometimes it is not worth fighting with your parents about/for something that you know will not last. especially when you know the other person does not believe your worth fighting for.

life does have a way of completing things. a perfect circle. from indifference right back to indifference. i guess i back to my defensive mode.

*sigh*

like said not a rant. just writing things out for my peace of mind.

BRAND NU

so i am finally working on the new macbook pro. its awesome!! and decided to upgrade blogger templates and like and see what i can play around and come up with.

got one job offer at hand. one final interview for another job thing coming up in the next 2 weeks. so please pray for me.

going to mangalore to see grandma next week. monday to be precise. quite happy about that.

transience

it is quite painful for me to admit i have changed as a person. i know some change is expected. good even. but its quite frustrating to know that i have a different set of ideas now. and that when i say i dont give a fuck, i might actually be lying and i actually do give a fuck. sigh. i have always been so indifferent. so emotionally detatched all my life, that now i dont know how to deal with this new phase of mine.

moving on have a couple of decent job offers to choose from. now just need to figure out what would suit me best type of thing. then i can start the routine again.

brief.

Well i am in Chennai. London did not workout. financially not viable. and not that i had my heart set on it anyway.

moving on. i want to take nice long break. travel a bit. visit people i have been meaning to. then get back to the grind of it.

guess now is the time.

a whole lot of leaving.

im headed to london. offcially. fees paid. visa happning on wed i guess. no im not excited. but i know ill be fine. i guess that is the kind of resilience you develop. you learn to adjust. to adapt. forget. move on. so ill be doing all the above said.

and im sad as well. mostly because im leaving cause i cant deal with my parents. grendparents. basically people you would call family. so yay.

last day of work coming up. so then ill have some money to shop with before i head out.

okie im off for now.

general

update time i guess.

i have been working again. i realised that the more you sit at home and see more of family members and the like, the more irrational and insane u tend to get. so when a temporary position (a month and a half typa thing) opened up at the australian trade comission i took it up. not related to fashion, i am market support. which essentially means bitch work. but decent people to work with. amazing contacts. and fab pay. having said all of that i love my fashion field. and want to work with that. if only the jobs paid well enough to manage my lifestyle without out looking towards my father for money. i like the creativity, and job satisfaction. i like the bouncing of ideas back and forth. i like the reading up you have to do. the painting, drawing, boards. blah. this other job is more mechanical. and you have to wear formals!! sigh. i am not complaining, just a compare & contrast type of thing.

though, its quite nice to be occupied with some thing throughout the week. that way you tend to appreciate the weekend a lot more. and there by make more of an effort to chill with the few people you want to. but inevitably it means that you lose your ability to sleep through the damn day. i hate that. i am awake at damn 9am with nothing to do the whole day. so inevitably i lounge in bed and attain new levels in 'slothhood' :P

yesterday there was some random 'satyanarayana puja' at home. we have puja's at the drop of a at. if god exists and gave a crap about these things my grandparents have booked themselves a place in heaven for sure. of course at that rate ill be hanging ten in hell. but its all cool. so since it is a puja you have the entire family gathered. so inevitably im at my anti- social best. so i wasted time in my room and bolted the minute the lunch started and didnt return home till the house was clear of 'well-meaning' family members.

tomorrow back to the 9-5 routine. i think i am meant to be my own boss. i can deal with only so much of being told what to do. after a point i start with "who the fuck are you to tell me what to do" attitude.

boredom

The Basics

Hair Color: Blackish brown

Eye Color: Black

Height: 171 cms

Profession: jaabless. sighhhhh

Religious Views: non-existant.

My Favorites

Favorite Color: pink.

Favorite Hobby: Dancing / reading.

Favorite Book/Author: tooo many. but maybe 'the strange case of billy biswas'

Favorite Vacation Destination: hmmmm not really been on too many vacation typa places.

Favorite Food: south indian sapaad.

Favorite Restaurant: nothing really.

Favorite Childhood Friend: hmmm

Favorite Childhood Memory: Bossing waabit around the house. (my brother:)

Favorite Person In Your Life: too many favourites

This or That

Chocolate or Vanilla: Choclate

Big Mac or Whopper: Big Mac

Coke or Pepsi : ehhh.... Coke

Beer or Wine: none

Coffee or Tea: kapppppppppi :D

Apple Juice or O.J.: O.J nytime

Facebook or MySpace: FB

Summer or Winter: Summer

Windows or Mac: Mac

Boxers or Briefs: Boxers

Rain or Shine : Shine

Chips or Popcorn: Popcorn

Salty or Sweet: salty

Plane or Boat: umm land?? sigh k.. Boat

Morning or Night: Night.

Movie or Play: reading??ok ok.. Movie

Walk or Drive: walk. and drive provided im riding shotgun.

Money or Love: money brings love hunay :) lol.. though i think deep down love it is.

Breakfast or Dinner: hahaha im not being difficult but lunch. :)

Forgiveness or Revenge: forgiveness. not that i am that mangnanimous, but revenge requires effort. no one is really worth so much effort typa thing.

Paint or Wallpaper: paint

House or Apartment: House. with huuuge garden.

Have You Ever :

Stolen Anything: yea

Been Drunk Before Noon: never

Had Sex In A Public Place: no

Got Caught Telling A Lie: yea

Got A Speeding Ticket: nope . gotta learn to drive for that. :)

Been Arrested: no. but a jail record would have looked so much better in da hood y'all

Littered: yea

Cheated On A Test: yea

Cheated In A Relationship: Never . wouldnt either.

Wished You Were Someone Else: yea

Cried During A Movie: ya a coupla times

Had A One Night Stand: no

Other

Describe Yourself In One Word: Indifferent.

Biggest Fear: losing my friends.

Biggest Mistake: haha

#1 Priority In Your Life: friends.

Special Talents: bitch slapping.

Where Are You Right Now: home

Where Would You Rather Be: sigh. any where but home.

Place To Visit Before You Die: Africa

dissolved girl

its quite awesome that a year's worth of work and respect can be lost in mere seconds. it is also quite awesome how 'grown-ups' can behave. not getting into specifics, but i must say im happy to have bailed before the damn ship sank. though (pettiness does help at times) the captain of the ship is quintessential whore.

moving on. i have realised that never in my life i have taken a damn break. school. college. post graduation. work. back to back to back. now is the time for me to enjoy the break, and im restless and bored. maybe this also has something to do with the fact that my grandmother sucks the joy of chilling at home. like serious joy sucking happening. though she is slated to leave for tirupathi soon. so then maybe it will be much needed peace.

and also apart from all the chilling. i need to make a choice. london or work here. i know what the logical, rational mind says haul ass to london. peace of mind is quite important to me. but i guess all the times where i have said i hope i start thinking with my heart and blah, this is the wrong fucking time to start thinking with the damn heart. wrong fucking time. sigggggggggggggh.

happiness is a state of mind, and im lke out of sight of mind. i know have to make some important decisions. but im just whining. wasting time. and moaning to the few who would listen.

whatever.

famous five.

5 things i would save in a fire provided i got my cellphone/ credit card/ wallet.

hmmmmmmm...

1) my waaaabbbit. no not rabbit. my brotha. :P

2) i pod.

3) macbook pro.

4)

5)

yea that about it. there are no animals in the house. so nothing else to add.

parents. sigh.

there is a reason why i dont talk to my parents. both of them. father makes me want to throw things at him. mainly because he is very chauvanistic. and sexist. and mother well she just frustrates me with her narrow thinking.

"chat" with mother after forever.

in my room. 10.20pm tuesday.

mum; dont you want to get married.

me: no.

mum: why?

me; do i look marriageable to you? and konkani men suck. (yes i am racist)

mum: not all look at your father.

me: exactly why konkani men suck.

mum: but you have to have children.

me: sure. do i need to get married for that?

mum (dying): but i have found a good boi.

me: good for you. when's the marriage date again??

that was the end of conversation with mother at 10.30pm.

10minutes was enough to get my bp high, and i could not sleep the whole damn night.

i hate chatting with my parents. hate it.

pointers.

I am: open- minded, non judgemental, anti-social and exceedingly indifferent.
I think: therefore i am. :P though seriously i think too much.
I know: that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
I want: peace of mind.
I have: the most amazing friends.
I wish: my family would not live in their narrow mind sets.
I hate: hypocrisy and judgmental assholes. and confrontations.
I miss: my friends. (the married ones who have moved on)
I fear: lack of stability and control
I feel: a myriad emotions all at once. intense pain to heart warming joy.
I hear: the traffic outside, and my fingers clicking on the keyboard.
I smell: coffee. and stale air freshner.
I crave: my bed. and a goodnight's sleep.
I search: for that elusive peace of mind.
I wonder: why it has to end this way.
I regret: nothing. all experiences teach you something. good. bad. ugly.
I love: my friends. my brother.
I ache: to let my heart do the thinking.
I care: about animals.
I am not: hypociritcal.
I believe: what goes around comes back around.
I dance: 24/7. and im happiest dancing.
I sing: at times.
I cry: at the drop of a hat. and the hat seems to be dropping quite frequently these days.
I don’t always: behave like the badass bitch that i come across as/ act like.
I fight: only only if its/or someone is worth the effort.
I write: from my heart.
I win: when i pick the fight.
I lose: gracefully (hopefully!)
I never: have done or would do drugs.
I always: fuck things up for myself.
I confuse: birthday dates.
I listen: to my head.
I can usually be found: at home. reading.
I am scared: of lizards. and losing those precious few.
I need: security. stability. reassurance.
I am happy about: my ability of not reacting to 99% of things.
***

technical support

so yeah. macbook pro in working order peeps. apparently i just changed the user name but the password was the one set by the people who installed the os to begin with. hence i could not figure it out for the life of me. but we (me and moi phrend) figured out how to reverse the problem, and well mac book pro in the house.

intel inside.

i am quite intelligent. i have a new macbook pro. like said before. i have uploaded my songs. :) and now in the process of dumping in the photos. in the mean time i open the mac book pro and it welcomes me with my father name! im like huh fuck you, i shall change all this blah. so i change the admin, and add a password. then i forget password. how cool is that? so now i can access everything on my macbook. everything. except upload new softwares! which is horrible considering now only i have to start uploading all the softwares required et all. sigh.

sigh. now trying to figure out what to do. enlisted the help of a friend who lives for the mac. lets see how it goes.

aside from that the week started out well. monday i had to go to the police station ( no i have not yet killed my granma), police verification for the passport. and i had to pay the guy Rs.100 as well. whatever. it is done. no more passport office. no more crappy nonsense. in about 10 days i should have new passport. so phew.

and i have the last few weeks of college remaining. aldready lost interest, and literally dragging my self there to complete formalities. but i am completeing them. so that is that.

b day

well first half of the 'big day' was spent in coma induced by a stomach upset and sleep deprivation. and hence couldnt get up and go to passport office.

so post light lunch, met up with a good good friend, window shopped and chilled at zaras. chilled at zara's meaning got in before the crowd came in, stuffed face. left by the time the 'it' crowd rolled in. im getting insanely anti-social (if that was actually possible). and tolerance levels reaching new lows.

i have never quite understood the concept of spending important dates with random ( read: meaningless) people. id rather sit at home than chat with strangers. (people i know, met and dont relate to, fall into this category). and this holds true since i dont see any need tp paarrtay for the bday and all. its just another day. i would like to chill out with 2-3 friends but that about it.
and not too many people get this concept. aside from constant badgering as to what plans for the day, they assume they are part of the plans.
hmmm question: if you were pat of the plan would you need to ask what the damn plan is?

ranting aside. nice end to ze bday. though i didnt take no photos. maybe over the weekend ill take some fotos.

its a dawg's world.

yesterday was painful. i couldnt sleep the previous night till 4.30am, and had to get ready by 7.00am to go to the fucking passport office. though the office opens only by 9.30 (supposed to, never happens)the damn waiting starts close to 3 hours prior. and with a bad bad stomach upset, and acute sleep deprivation i was a part of the walking dead. moving on from my ill health; the passport office is your quintessential government office. being shuttled from one department to another, one floor to another, one building to another. and full of incompetent assholes. i had to wait in the damn line for 2 and a half hours only to be told that ' no ma, not this letter. fill up it this form and get tomorrow'. fuckers. so i got to go again tomorrow. which is incidentally is the day i was born 23 years ago. so fabulous way to start the day.

the respite in the evening was my lovely sister (cousin) and her husband coming home in the evening, with chip the lab. he so cute. his eyes give him the appearance of having worn kajal all the time. smoky eyed chip. he was quite worried why everyone was going inside the house, and why he wasnt invited. and he massacared brothers basket ball. :P he couldnt figure out why the ball was so big. or why it bounced so much. :) and he is the happiest being fed bread. sigh i want dog. i dont want grandparents.

k, bye.

sigh

i think the tone was set last weekend for the 'good weekends' concept. there was a half baked pondi plan. but that didnt go through. and i am certain everything happens for a reason. a good good friend has come down (permanently?) from london. and im meeting her/seeing her after 2 whole years. many things have changed. and almost nothing has changed. quite wierd.

and since im almost done with my tenure as educator.. im back to whats next. sigh. i hate this. im back to being my indecisive self. sigh. sigh.

show off :P

oh and guess who got their MAC BOOK PRO??? finally!!! :D :D :D

be happy for me peeps. be happy. :P

untitled

some how when i find out that people are as attached to me as i am to them i can sleep better at night. sort of like i need to know im not the only one emotionally dependent. me and my fucked up mind.

aside from that brother is attempting some fucked up version of mohawk. with hsi face it looks kinda crappy. so i resigned as his stylist. sigh.

sing for the moment

some times the most fun is had in the spur of the moment. a last minute decision is all it takes to make someone really happy. had an awesome weekend.

:D

p.s: cheque for mac book pro is ready. now i hope i learn to use it after breaking the bank.

torn.

im all cried out.

after all the rants i just realised that i have changed. and maybe now i expect things. things which i know cannot be given to me. things which i havnt exactly asked for either. its just the expectations that kill more than anything else.

moving on sounds easier said than done.

when you look back do you regret?

and also, perhaps you werent as important as you thought you were? as special?

it is not about having someone fight you battles.

or having them catch you everytime you fall.

its just about standing by you through the good, bad and more importantly the ugly.

and its just a fantastic way to start the week wouldnt you say?

fight club

brother dearest and me have decided to take up kick boxing. me to be able to beat up brother. all 6'3"/91kgs of pure muscle. and he well to beat me up. no seriously. my brother watches all these martial arts movies, then attempts all the stunts on me. all in the name of 'self defense'. how the fuck am i supposed to flip 91kgs over my shoulder??! if i ask him why he does not try in on the bois he has the gall to tell me that is because the bois will start to cry. whatever. but its good fun attemting to kick his ass. and the best bit is that i cant be expected to win. and if he kicks my ass he gets toasted ("how can you hit a girl!!??!") and if he loses he gets toasted ( "how can you lose to a girl!!!"). so win-win situation for me. wheeeeeeee

more on the ass kicking when we haul ass to the classes.

identiti

i had the most painful experience a couple of days back. not like phsically excruciating pain and all. but painful never the less. for some reason i did a search on facebook for my own lovely name.. (something done out of utter joblessness) and; well i realised that some other person had taken up my name and a photo of mine (with a friend!)from some album. and was randomly adding some of my freinds to boot! no one realised that it wasnt actually me adding them. the point is that im a little obsessed with my privacy, space and the like. so i went ballistic. i mailed facebook, and told my loving friends to block the indiviual.

alls well that ends well. the person's profile has been removed from facebook. and im going to bed felling better. but it was quite the rude fucking jolt to see your face staring at you from some one else's profile.

point is i dont know who the person is. what the intention was. maybe just harmless. maybe not. but an intrusion on my privacy and my photos is not acceptable. its quite nice to know these social networking sites take these things seriously.

so now we are back to aimlessly drinking/guzzling kapi in the morning. sigh. life is back to normal.

sigh.

its so fucking hot. heat aside.

yesterday was a good good friend's bday. and im quite sad that she is so far away. all the way in nebraska. i cant seem to call her. and she is busy with exams to call.

"maybe our girlfriends are soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." - Sex and the city. not that i watch the show. or even know who said it. but it rings quite true.

monday morning

sigh i quite hate monday mornings. after getting to sleep in and laze in bed on sundays, getting up at 7 is a whore. 3 cups of kapi in the past 2 1/2 hours. and im still groggy, cranky and sleep deprived. ironically try as i might i cant seem to sleep longer than 9.00am on sundays. work has screwd up my lifestyle. sigh.
anddd...
i have 2 more months, then i finish working for a year at college. i am so waiting to finish the year and leave. quite eagerly waiting to leave, might i add. of course the decent bank balance as well. so whee.

on another note a friend is getting engaged this thursday. and since i wont be able to make it for the wedding i thought i would take a gift for her. now my dilemma is should i get something for her alone, or for boi as well.. hmmm i dont know him. and i frankly cant be bothered with the boi. but the gurl i louve.
so suggestions would be welcome.