how i wish i felt nothing.

you would think after a year things would go smoothly. but when you cry yourself to sleep, and sorely miss your support systems.. i guess you would have to take a look at things. a good look at that. and ask yourself, if it is worth it.

it is not about doing better than you are doing now. not about 'having' things better either. it is about wanting what you got. and being around people who make you feel good about yourself. and also about this thing called trust. which should have grown. and def not about mind games that have crept in. it is about communication and faith. and not petty things that it has been reduced to. no. i am not expecting someone to change for me. but when you haver changed from what/who i saw and knew a year ago, then the questions would arise.

when you have to make changes in your routine you ask yourself is it worth it? when you cannot connect emotionally with someone you ask yourself what it is about. one night stands are not my style. so am i going to make it only about the sex? how i wish i could deal with sex with no strings attached. sigh. treat boys like toys. etc etc. but i am nothing like that. and not going to change now.

i can act like a five-year-old. i can be petty. i can play mind games. and i will win. but i choose not to. not because i cant, but because i know it hurts. and you do not hurt the ones u care about.

yes i know change is inevitable. with each experience you grow. learn. react. but to become someone i cant trust, i guess is not the way it should be. some one should not make you complete. self reliance is important. but someone should not try to break your spirit either. and every relationship should ideally be based on trust, not indifference.

this is not a rave or a rant. just putting into words what i felt. so i can view the situation more rationally. i know what i am supposed to do. but cant seem to get around to doing it. and sometimes the lump in your throat is so hard you cant swallow.

everyone i guess deserves a fair chance. a shot at getting what they want, minus the barriers. i somehow don't think i gave it to you. by expecting everything to end. and waiting for everyone to leave you, you don't really have a game plan for life.

but i guess life isn't really about game plans.

and maybe my friends are right. sometimes it is not worth fighting with your parents about/for something that you know will not last. especially when you know the other person does not believe your worth fighting for.

life does have a way of completing things. a perfect circle. from indifference right back to indifference. i guess i back to my defensive mode.

*sigh*

like said not a rant. just writing things out for my peace of mind.