the more i interact with my father the more i detest him.. im serious.. he just came now like half an hour back and gave some ultimatum along the lines of ' you have to come to the temple.. next week.. or else....' like what the fuck?? or else what? i havent been to the temple in over a year.and am not fucking interested in watching god being glorified when i donot know if god exists..
point is that my father is never at home. always out of the damn country.. city.. state. do like look like i care as long as hes out of the damn house?? so when hes never at home why the fuck should i listen to him?? its not like im out getting smashed or sniffing coke.. im at home on the computer downloading some fuckall songs.. and he has to issue ultimatums like he knows me.. or worse like he can control me.. and this alone provokes me enough to set the house on fire. literally.
this is one of the main reasons why i want to leave the house.. i have no idea how i cant have any love/ affection/tolerance (same difference right?) for my family. they totally suck. and this is not some childish rant.. or some spur of the moment post.. i really dont like them. and i wish they would just fucking leave me alone..
i cant remember the last time i talked to my parents.. like talked.. not just asking for (more)money, but asking things about their lives.. and the last time we had like a family dinner would be when four years back.. how do i remember?? i have a photo.. oh that btw was the last 'family photo'... he does not know how old we are.. and we donot know how old he is.. i dont know what he does.. and he doesnt know what im doing. or that im turning 21. i like it that way. and want it that way.
everytime we attempt conversation there is a fight. he gets pissed talks nonsense.. i get pissed of and it ends in tears. this is a freaking sumup of life for the past 4 years. it has been freaking hell. to make matters worse his mother a freaking bitch has to goad him on. god she will burn in hell. what really, i mean really pisses me off the fact that he cant ever tell him mother to fuck of. even when shes wrong. like when she wanted to throw a 28 day old puppy outta the house. she succeeded mind you. whore.
all this and more makes me wonder if marriage is really worth it.. unhappiness all over... yeah yeah not everyone is like my father... could swing either ways.. but.. yeah whatever. bye.
13 comments:
u need to get out!....
why dint ya apply to some NIFT or something outside chennai for PG...would have got some fresh air for 2 yrs...would've got u some relief??
i am really curious...seriously.
i am so familiar with what ur feelin....thats exactly what i feel when my dad's around (although its not so extreme...i jus walk away....or take it easy till he finishes his lecture...and THEN walk away...giving him no commitment or promises...bare minimum tolerance!)
but i let him have his say....dont care if its right or wrong...or is nonsense.....cause when ur not heard ,it ticks people off...and they make a fuss....creates a mess!!...and i dont like screaming at him or end up crying (as my sis does...she has no patience with him!)....i jus wanna keep the whole thing short and silent...jus get over with it.
if he asks me to come to the temple....i listen to the whole deal and quietly tell him,"i dont wanna come".thats it.then act deaf!
i think dads (urs and mine) are getting grumpier day by day ....one of the reasons being they feel insecure over losing control over growing kids (and kids who are strangers to them....they hardly know whats up in our lives)....so all this pestering over family dinners and temple visits is jus a tactic to re-gel with us and perhaps maintain their position as the patriarch.
my advice...jus pretend to listen,and then have ur say and walk away! (works for me as a son...donno bout daughters...might be considered too radical!!)
if u only knew the amount of research i have done to get out of the country.. they would probably have given me assylum... refugee status even.. i got through australia and singapore.. for fashion.. and one week before payment of fees to spore my dad tells me its too expensive.. and they dont think i can 'handle' life outside the house. what do u say to tht?? u have no idea a year back if some one gave me gun i would have shot the man.
i did apply to nift.. did the entrac and got through... but think about 3 years in stella.. then 4 years agin for a dman bachelors?? not happening.. dont ask dude.. i get ANGRY evrytime i think about it.. its fucking unfair..
me and vysh are very well known at the education weeks.. we 'hang' there every year.. but there are like no scholarships for fashion!! or design.. fucking pissin off...
anyway! about the walking away.. been doing tht all my life. so they are used to it.. father knows he has no control over my life.. so hes scared what ill do when i go abroad. like im goin to get jailed or something..
big plus point: there is no trust. so there is no question of breaking it.
and about the fees thing.. he should have told me when i was applying... what does the brilliant man tell me?? i didnt know you were serious about going abroad.. after i get thorugh and the acceptance letter comes through ... like its a freaking picnic to reject the thing.. bastard.
accuse me of plagiarism but all i have to do i copy and past this up on my blog and there...that's my story as well. you know that.
( about the burning the house...just hold on darlin', im sure the wooden floors are comin up soon...considering things like these are soooo much more important than a daughter's education)
when i complete my masters in april, i'm out. this one's for sure. and ur going with me.
and lets not get into grandmothers. they re an entirely different species altogether. i'm sure they ve been around even before the roaches.
@ vyah and jan: thnks for all the support ;)
@ vysh: bang on about the grandmothers!! roaches are actually better. hmm wooden floors/fire/ grandparents... nice equation i say.. ;)
hmmmmm Harsh words.....really harsh words....i can totally empathize with you guys...but trust me, once u get out..it will be a diff story all together.
I never used to see eye to eye with my dad on a host of issues..and was in such a hurry to leave the country that i ended up comin here when i was 18!!!
But six years later, time has made me a saner person...I started to look at things from a different perspective.
It is ironic that i have never been so close to my father in my life..we discuss things like adults and friends..no longer do i fear him..the only feeling i have is opulent respect...respect for what he has done that we take for granted...coming to the states you will see parenthood in a totally different perspective and thank your stars for having the fortune of being born to parents that you now despise...(not that it is wrong...but its just a matter of time and opinion)
Trust me on this one..i ran away from home for three days when i was 17..i would have never imagined then that at 24 i would probably think what a jerk i have been!!
But, each individual's experience is his own..along the way you guys will figure out the bits and pieces of life and the responsibilities that fatherhood or motherhood carries...
I would suggest reading a book called 'Letters to my son' by kent neburn...
@ aryapadi: distance does make the heart grow fonder.. completely wit you on that one.. but the point is that my parents are not willing to listen to me.. its liek they think im incapable of thinking for myself or acting ratioanlly.. and yes i am head strong and stubborn.. so yea none of this actually helps the situation at hand..
btw.. i dont think i actually despise them( me being very honest here;).. i am indifferent yes.. but all this is to ensure that i have my sanity intact a the end of the day..
i totally understand the amount of sacrifies my dad makes for me to lounge at home and all.. but i wish for once he would be open enought to talk to.. instead of talking down to me all the time..
I really hope that your dad opens up to you....I have always had my mom to bank upon when i was younger..now since i am supposedly on a different level (according to some ppl) i can relate to my dad as well.
Another thought that springs to mind is the inherent rebel that is within all of us...breaking conventions, seeking approval for a cause that might be worth fighting for..I understand that we might not always have our way...
But at the end of it all, watever happens..does so for the best. (looking back, i would not have changed any aspect of my life..every failure i have ever encountered has taught me something profound...and am pretty sure, its the same for you guys as well)
u know financial freedom brings wit it unsurpassed respect..
so maybe when i start earning tht maybe i could get some respect.. maybe.. but i dont understand why u (anyone) have constantly prove urself worthy of respect??
agree wit u on the failure bit.. cause if i didnt fail. lose. fall i wouldnt appreciate what i hve today.. binary oppositions.. ;)
Well i guess what society frowns upon by convention is people cribbing about things that they have not earned..or experienced..
for instance, me cribbing about my dad not buying me a motorcycle when i was in my 10nth class..(not even legal enough to drive..)..or the fact that i used to spend money like water not caring to comprehend where or how it comes from?...
The crux of the issue is that i was a spoilt brat..and i really was (like many other 'only child' cases), not caring a damn about things...just concerned about my own self..
So, when we grow up...and start earning...i guess we are forced to see things in a different light and with that enlightenment comes a better understanding of underlying issues of finance..how difficult it is to earn a living and how easy it is to squander it...
Coming back to your case, my educated guess is that it is a mixture of children growing up too fast...that parents sometime lose track of the fact that it seemed like only yesterday that 'she held my hand and called me papa'...
I am pretty sure that when you start earning, your parents would definitely give u the respect u deserve....trust me its only a matter of time.
*my dad has started taking financial advice from me...which is kind of alarming given that he has 40 years of banking experience..
in btw...FYI u mite wanna consider coming to the states for an education..it is pretty managable and there are select unis that recognize three year degrees from india..i guess sreicanth here is comin to the states as well (u can get some input from him as well..)
hmmm cribbing about what u havent earned.. tht is set by society right the fact (they) others decide when ur fit enough for respect... and tht is a total pissoff.. i dont like judgments hittng me esp from people who i dont know.. but yea i get what ur trying to say.. walk a mile in someones shoe before talking/cibbing about it..
and about the parents will respect you thing.. i really dont think so. trust me on this one. im lookig at it very detatched and saying this.. i really dont think so..
@ anonymous: im sure im sounding like a brat.. and more often than not feel like one too.. but yeah ur right.. only when i start earning the money will i know what its like ..and on top to earn and study.. and then to spend it like i do..
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