how i wish i felt nothing.

you would think after a year things would go smoothly. but when you cry yourself to sleep, and sorely miss your support systems.. i guess you would have to take a look at things. a good look at that. and ask yourself, if it is worth it.

it is not about doing better than you are doing now. not about 'having' things better either. it is about wanting what you got. and being around people who make you feel good about yourself. and also about this thing called trust. which should have grown. and def not about mind games that have crept in. it is about communication and faith. and not petty things that it has been reduced to. no. i am not expecting someone to change for me. but when you haver changed from what/who i saw and knew a year ago, then the questions would arise.

when you have to make changes in your routine you ask yourself is it worth it? when you cannot connect emotionally with someone you ask yourself what it is about. one night stands are not my style. so am i going to make it only about the sex? how i wish i could deal with sex with no strings attached. sigh. treat boys like toys. etc etc. but i am nothing like that. and not going to change now.

i can act like a five-year-old. i can be petty. i can play mind games. and i will win. but i choose not to. not because i cant, but because i know it hurts. and you do not hurt the ones u care about.

yes i know change is inevitable. with each experience you grow. learn. react. but to become someone i cant trust, i guess is not the way it should be. some one should not make you complete. self reliance is important. but someone should not try to break your spirit either. and every relationship should ideally be based on trust, not indifference.

this is not a rave or a rant. just putting into words what i felt. so i can view the situation more rationally. i know what i am supposed to do. but cant seem to get around to doing it. and sometimes the lump in your throat is so hard you cant swallow.

everyone i guess deserves a fair chance. a shot at getting what they want, minus the barriers. i somehow don't think i gave it to you. by expecting everything to end. and waiting for everyone to leave you, you don't really have a game plan for life.

but i guess life isn't really about game plans.

and maybe my friends are right. sometimes it is not worth fighting with your parents about/for something that you know will not last. especially when you know the other person does not believe your worth fighting for.

life does have a way of completing things. a perfect circle. from indifference right back to indifference. i guess i back to my defensive mode.

*sigh*

like said not a rant. just writing things out for my peace of mind.

BRAND NU

so i am finally working on the new macbook pro. its awesome!! and decided to upgrade blogger templates and like and see what i can play around and come up with.

got one job offer at hand. one final interview for another job thing coming up in the next 2 weeks. so please pray for me.

going to mangalore to see grandma next week. monday to be precise. quite happy about that.

transience

it is quite painful for me to admit i have changed as a person. i know some change is expected. good even. but its quite frustrating to know that i have a different set of ideas now. and that when i say i dont give a fuck, i might actually be lying and i actually do give a fuck. sigh. i have always been so indifferent. so emotionally detatched all my life, that now i dont know how to deal with this new phase of mine.

moving on have a couple of decent job offers to choose from. now just need to figure out what would suit me best type of thing. then i can start the routine again.

brief.

Well i am in Chennai. London did not workout. financially not viable. and not that i had my heart set on it anyway.

moving on. i want to take nice long break. travel a bit. visit people i have been meaning to. then get back to the grind of it.

guess now is the time.

a whole lot of leaving.

im headed to london. offcially. fees paid. visa happning on wed i guess. no im not excited. but i know ill be fine. i guess that is the kind of resilience you develop. you learn to adjust. to adapt. forget. move on. so ill be doing all the above said.

and im sad as well. mostly because im leaving cause i cant deal with my parents. grendparents. basically people you would call family. so yay.

last day of work coming up. so then ill have some money to shop with before i head out.

okie im off for now.

general

update time i guess.

i have been working again. i realised that the more you sit at home and see more of family members and the like, the more irrational and insane u tend to get. so when a temporary position (a month and a half typa thing) opened up at the australian trade comission i took it up. not related to fashion, i am market support. which essentially means bitch work. but decent people to work with. amazing contacts. and fab pay. having said all of that i love my fashion field. and want to work with that. if only the jobs paid well enough to manage my lifestyle without out looking towards my father for money. i like the creativity, and job satisfaction. i like the bouncing of ideas back and forth. i like the reading up you have to do. the painting, drawing, boards. blah. this other job is more mechanical. and you have to wear formals!! sigh. i am not complaining, just a compare & contrast type of thing.

though, its quite nice to be occupied with some thing throughout the week. that way you tend to appreciate the weekend a lot more. and there by make more of an effort to chill with the few people you want to. but inevitably it means that you lose your ability to sleep through the damn day. i hate that. i am awake at damn 9am with nothing to do the whole day. so inevitably i lounge in bed and attain new levels in 'slothhood' :P

yesterday there was some random 'satyanarayana puja' at home. we have puja's at the drop of a at. if god exists and gave a crap about these things my grandparents have booked themselves a place in heaven for sure. of course at that rate ill be hanging ten in hell. but its all cool. so since it is a puja you have the entire family gathered. so inevitably im at my anti- social best. so i wasted time in my room and bolted the minute the lunch started and didnt return home till the house was clear of 'well-meaning' family members.

tomorrow back to the 9-5 routine. i think i am meant to be my own boss. i can deal with only so much of being told what to do. after a point i start with "who the fuck are you to tell me what to do" attitude.

boredom

The Basics

Hair Color: Blackish brown

Eye Color: Black

Height: 171 cms

Profession: jaabless. sighhhhh

Religious Views: non-existant.

My Favorites

Favorite Color: pink.

Favorite Hobby: Dancing / reading.

Favorite Book/Author: tooo many. but maybe 'the strange case of billy biswas'

Favorite Vacation Destination: hmmmm not really been on too many vacation typa places.

Favorite Food: south indian sapaad.

Favorite Restaurant: nothing really.

Favorite Childhood Friend: hmmm

Favorite Childhood Memory: Bossing waabit around the house. (my brother:)

Favorite Person In Your Life: too many favourites

This or That

Chocolate or Vanilla: Choclate

Big Mac or Whopper: Big Mac

Coke or Pepsi : ehhh.... Coke

Beer or Wine: none

Coffee or Tea: kapppppppppi :D

Apple Juice or O.J.: O.J nytime

Facebook or MySpace: FB

Summer or Winter: Summer

Windows or Mac: Mac

Boxers or Briefs: Boxers

Rain or Shine : Shine

Chips or Popcorn: Popcorn

Salty or Sweet: salty

Plane or Boat: umm land?? sigh k.. Boat

Morning or Night: Night.

Movie or Play: reading??ok ok.. Movie

Walk or Drive: walk. and drive provided im riding shotgun.

Money or Love: money brings love hunay :) lol.. though i think deep down love it is.

Breakfast or Dinner: hahaha im not being difficult but lunch. :)

Forgiveness or Revenge: forgiveness. not that i am that mangnanimous, but revenge requires effort. no one is really worth so much effort typa thing.

Paint or Wallpaper: paint

House or Apartment: House. with huuuge garden.

Have You Ever :

Stolen Anything: yea

Been Drunk Before Noon: never

Had Sex In A Public Place: no

Got Caught Telling A Lie: yea

Got A Speeding Ticket: nope . gotta learn to drive for that. :)

Been Arrested: no. but a jail record would have looked so much better in da hood y'all

Littered: yea

Cheated On A Test: yea

Cheated In A Relationship: Never . wouldnt either.

Wished You Were Someone Else: yea

Cried During A Movie: ya a coupla times

Had A One Night Stand: no

Other

Describe Yourself In One Word: Indifferent.

Biggest Fear: losing my friends.

Biggest Mistake: haha

#1 Priority In Your Life: friends.

Special Talents: bitch slapping.

Where Are You Right Now: home

Where Would You Rather Be: sigh. any where but home.

Place To Visit Before You Die: Africa

dissolved girl

its quite awesome that a year's worth of work and respect can be lost in mere seconds. it is also quite awesome how 'grown-ups' can behave. not getting into specifics, but i must say im happy to have bailed before the damn ship sank. though (pettiness does help at times) the captain of the ship is quintessential whore.

moving on. i have realised that never in my life i have taken a damn break. school. college. post graduation. work. back to back to back. now is the time for me to enjoy the break, and im restless and bored. maybe this also has something to do with the fact that my grandmother sucks the joy of chilling at home. like serious joy sucking happening. though she is slated to leave for tirupathi soon. so then maybe it will be much needed peace.

and also apart from all the chilling. i need to make a choice. london or work here. i know what the logical, rational mind says haul ass to london. peace of mind is quite important to me. but i guess all the times where i have said i hope i start thinking with my heart and blah, this is the wrong fucking time to start thinking with the damn heart. wrong fucking time. sigggggggggggggh.

happiness is a state of mind, and im lke out of sight of mind. i know have to make some important decisions. but im just whining. wasting time. and moaning to the few who would listen.

whatever.

famous five.

5 things i would save in a fire provided i got my cellphone/ credit card/ wallet.

hmmmmmmm...

1) my waaaabbbit. no not rabbit. my brotha. :P

2) i pod.

3) macbook pro.

4)

5)

yea that about it. there are no animals in the house. so nothing else to add.

parents. sigh.

there is a reason why i dont talk to my parents. both of them. father makes me want to throw things at him. mainly because he is very chauvanistic. and sexist. and mother well she just frustrates me with her narrow thinking.

"chat" with mother after forever.

in my room. 10.20pm tuesday.

mum; dont you want to get married.

me: no.

mum: why?

me; do i look marriageable to you? and konkani men suck. (yes i am racist)

mum: not all look at your father.

me: exactly why konkani men suck.

mum: but you have to have children.

me: sure. do i need to get married for that?

mum (dying): but i have found a good boi.

me: good for you. when's the marriage date again??

that was the end of conversation with mother at 10.30pm.

10minutes was enough to get my bp high, and i could not sleep the whole damn night.

i hate chatting with my parents. hate it.

pointers.

I am: open- minded, non judgemental, anti-social and exceedingly indifferent.
I think: therefore i am. :P though seriously i think too much.
I know: that whatever happens, happens for a reason.
I want: peace of mind.
I have: the most amazing friends.
I wish: my family would not live in their narrow mind sets.
I hate: hypocrisy and judgmental assholes. and confrontations.
I miss: my friends. (the married ones who have moved on)
I fear: lack of stability and control
I feel: a myriad emotions all at once. intense pain to heart warming joy.
I hear: the traffic outside, and my fingers clicking on the keyboard.
I smell: coffee. and stale air freshner.
I crave: my bed. and a goodnight's sleep.
I search: for that elusive peace of mind.
I wonder: why it has to end this way.
I regret: nothing. all experiences teach you something. good. bad. ugly.
I love: my friends. my brother.
I ache: to let my heart do the thinking.
I care: about animals.
I am not: hypociritcal.
I believe: what goes around comes back around.
I dance: 24/7. and im happiest dancing.
I sing: at times.
I cry: at the drop of a hat. and the hat seems to be dropping quite frequently these days.
I don’t always: behave like the badass bitch that i come across as/ act like.
I fight: only only if its/or someone is worth the effort.
I write: from my heart.
I win: when i pick the fight.
I lose: gracefully (hopefully!)
I never: have done or would do drugs.
I always: fuck things up for myself.
I confuse: birthday dates.
I listen: to my head.
I can usually be found: at home. reading.
I am scared: of lizards. and losing those precious few.
I need: security. stability. reassurance.
I am happy about: my ability of not reacting to 99% of things.
***

technical support

so yeah. macbook pro in working order peeps. apparently i just changed the user name but the password was the one set by the people who installed the os to begin with. hence i could not figure it out for the life of me. but we (me and moi phrend) figured out how to reverse the problem, and well mac book pro in the house.

intel inside.

i am quite intelligent. i have a new macbook pro. like said before. i have uploaded my songs. :) and now in the process of dumping in the photos. in the mean time i open the mac book pro and it welcomes me with my father name! im like huh fuck you, i shall change all this blah. so i change the admin, and add a password. then i forget password. how cool is that? so now i can access everything on my macbook. everything. except upload new softwares! which is horrible considering now only i have to start uploading all the softwares required et all. sigh.

sigh. now trying to figure out what to do. enlisted the help of a friend who lives for the mac. lets see how it goes.

aside from that the week started out well. monday i had to go to the police station ( no i have not yet killed my granma), police verification for the passport. and i had to pay the guy Rs.100 as well. whatever. it is done. no more passport office. no more crappy nonsense. in about 10 days i should have new passport. so phew.

and i have the last few weeks of college remaining. aldready lost interest, and literally dragging my self there to complete formalities. but i am completeing them. so that is that.

b day

well first half of the 'big day' was spent in coma induced by a stomach upset and sleep deprivation. and hence couldnt get up and go to passport office.

so post light lunch, met up with a good good friend, window shopped and chilled at zaras. chilled at zara's meaning got in before the crowd came in, stuffed face. left by the time the 'it' crowd rolled in. im getting insanely anti-social (if that was actually possible). and tolerance levels reaching new lows.

i have never quite understood the concept of spending important dates with random ( read: meaningless) people. id rather sit at home than chat with strangers. (people i know, met and dont relate to, fall into this category). and this holds true since i dont see any need tp paarrtay for the bday and all. its just another day. i would like to chill out with 2-3 friends but that about it.
and not too many people get this concept. aside from constant badgering as to what plans for the day, they assume they are part of the plans.
hmmm question: if you were pat of the plan would you need to ask what the damn plan is?

ranting aside. nice end to ze bday. though i didnt take no photos. maybe over the weekend ill take some fotos.

its a dawg's world.

yesterday was painful. i couldnt sleep the previous night till 4.30am, and had to get ready by 7.00am to go to the fucking passport office. though the office opens only by 9.30 (supposed to, never happens)the damn waiting starts close to 3 hours prior. and with a bad bad stomach upset, and acute sleep deprivation i was a part of the walking dead. moving on from my ill health; the passport office is your quintessential government office. being shuttled from one department to another, one floor to another, one building to another. and full of incompetent assholes. i had to wait in the damn line for 2 and a half hours only to be told that ' no ma, not this letter. fill up it this form and get tomorrow'. fuckers. so i got to go again tomorrow. which is incidentally is the day i was born 23 years ago. so fabulous way to start the day.

the respite in the evening was my lovely sister (cousin) and her husband coming home in the evening, with chip the lab. he so cute. his eyes give him the appearance of having worn kajal all the time. smoky eyed chip. he was quite worried why everyone was going inside the house, and why he wasnt invited. and he massacared brothers basket ball. :P he couldnt figure out why the ball was so big. or why it bounced so much. :) and he is the happiest being fed bread. sigh i want dog. i dont want grandparents.

k, bye.

sigh

i think the tone was set last weekend for the 'good weekends' concept. there was a half baked pondi plan. but that didnt go through. and i am certain everything happens for a reason. a good good friend has come down (permanently?) from london. and im meeting her/seeing her after 2 whole years. many things have changed. and almost nothing has changed. quite wierd.

and since im almost done with my tenure as educator.. im back to whats next. sigh. i hate this. im back to being my indecisive self. sigh. sigh.

show off :P

oh and guess who got their MAC BOOK PRO??? finally!!! :D :D :D

be happy for me peeps. be happy. :P

untitled

some how when i find out that people are as attached to me as i am to them i can sleep better at night. sort of like i need to know im not the only one emotionally dependent. me and my fucked up mind.

aside from that brother is attempting some fucked up version of mohawk. with hsi face it looks kinda crappy. so i resigned as his stylist. sigh.

sing for the moment

some times the most fun is had in the spur of the moment. a last minute decision is all it takes to make someone really happy. had an awesome weekend.

:D

p.s: cheque for mac book pro is ready. now i hope i learn to use it after breaking the bank.

torn.

im all cried out.

after all the rants i just realised that i have changed. and maybe now i expect things. things which i know cannot be given to me. things which i havnt exactly asked for either. its just the expectations that kill more than anything else.

moving on sounds easier said than done.

when you look back do you regret?

and also, perhaps you werent as important as you thought you were? as special?

it is not about having someone fight you battles.

or having them catch you everytime you fall.

its just about standing by you through the good, bad and more importantly the ugly.

and its just a fantastic way to start the week wouldnt you say?