show off :P

oh and guess who got their MAC BOOK PRO??? finally!!! :D :D :D

be happy for me peeps. be happy. :P

untitled

some how when i find out that people are as attached to me as i am to them i can sleep better at night. sort of like i need to know im not the only one emotionally dependent. me and my fucked up mind.

aside from that brother is attempting some fucked up version of mohawk. with hsi face it looks kinda crappy. so i resigned as his stylist. sigh.

sing for the moment

some times the most fun is had in the spur of the moment. a last minute decision is all it takes to make someone really happy. had an awesome weekend.

:D

p.s: cheque for mac book pro is ready. now i hope i learn to use it after breaking the bank.

torn.

im all cried out.

after all the rants i just realised that i have changed. and maybe now i expect things. things which i know cannot be given to me. things which i havnt exactly asked for either. its just the expectations that kill more than anything else.

moving on sounds easier said than done.

when you look back do you regret?

and also, perhaps you werent as important as you thought you were? as special?

it is not about having someone fight you battles.

or having them catch you everytime you fall.

its just about standing by you through the good, bad and more importantly the ugly.

and its just a fantastic way to start the week wouldnt you say?

fight club

brother dearest and me have decided to take up kick boxing. me to be able to beat up brother. all 6'3"/91kgs of pure muscle. and he well to beat me up. no seriously. my brother watches all these martial arts movies, then attempts all the stunts on me. all in the name of 'self defense'. how the fuck am i supposed to flip 91kgs over my shoulder??! if i ask him why he does not try in on the bois he has the gall to tell me that is because the bois will start to cry. whatever. but its good fun attemting to kick his ass. and the best bit is that i cant be expected to win. and if he kicks my ass he gets toasted ("how can you hit a girl!!??!") and if he loses he gets toasted ( "how can you lose to a girl!!!"). so win-win situation for me. wheeeeeeee

more on the ass kicking when we haul ass to the classes.

identiti

i had the most painful experience a couple of days back. not like phsically excruciating pain and all. but painful never the less. for some reason i did a search on facebook for my own lovely name.. (something done out of utter joblessness) and; well i realised that some other person had taken up my name and a photo of mine (with a friend!)from some album. and was randomly adding some of my freinds to boot! no one realised that it wasnt actually me adding them. the point is that im a little obsessed with my privacy, space and the like. so i went ballistic. i mailed facebook, and told my loving friends to block the indiviual.

alls well that ends well. the person's profile has been removed from facebook. and im going to bed felling better. but it was quite the rude fucking jolt to see your face staring at you from some one else's profile.

point is i dont know who the person is. what the intention was. maybe just harmless. maybe not. but an intrusion on my privacy and my photos is not acceptable. its quite nice to know these social networking sites take these things seriously.

so now we are back to aimlessly drinking/guzzling kapi in the morning. sigh. life is back to normal.

sigh.

its so fucking hot. heat aside.

yesterday was a good good friend's bday. and im quite sad that she is so far away. all the way in nebraska. i cant seem to call her. and she is busy with exams to call.

"maybe our girlfriends are soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." - Sex and the city. not that i watch the show. or even know who said it. but it rings quite true.

monday morning

sigh i quite hate monday mornings. after getting to sleep in and laze in bed on sundays, getting up at 7 is a whore. 3 cups of kapi in the past 2 1/2 hours. and im still groggy, cranky and sleep deprived. ironically try as i might i cant seem to sleep longer than 9.00am on sundays. work has screwd up my lifestyle. sigh.
anddd...
i have 2 more months, then i finish working for a year at college. i am so waiting to finish the year and leave. quite eagerly waiting to leave, might i add. of course the decent bank balance as well. so whee.

on another note a friend is getting engaged this thursday. and since i wont be able to make it for the wedding i thought i would take a gift for her. now my dilemma is should i get something for her alone, or for boi as well.. hmmm i dont know him. and i frankly cant be bothered with the boi. but the gurl i louve.
so suggestions would be welcome.

collage

sometimes i wonder if im one dimensional. like mentally. i have a couple of things that i like. somethings i dont. and it does not change much. im trying to see how much i have changed with my various experiences and contact with different people i have met. the thing is that i am who i am. i am always open to new interpretations. always, always respect an opinion. but i have mine and i shall stick to it come hell or high water. maybe it has to with the fact that if its mine then if i fuck up i am to blame. if i rock the joint; well its my tune rocking the joint typa thing.

maybe.

moving on. i have always felt i am a difficult person to live with. offlate i have been realising that it might just be impossible to live with me. like for life type of thing. if i am like your flatmate i shall probably be your favourite person, since im highly non judgemental, and extremely indifferent (dont know that is a good thing). but if i am looking at life partner (i dont want to say husband. i break into cold sweat) i have sooooo many space issues. i think i am best from a distance.

this is not some sympathy rant. its more of an observation. emotional detatchment enables me to scrutinise everything from a distance..

though moving on, yesterday was some random bonding session with father and brother. if mother was there session would have abruptly stopped. i saw "chak de" yesterday. was ok. though i thought they chose an interesting bunch of girls :) brother goes on overdrive when we see these 'sports films'. inevitably they all are those under dog stories. and he will force me to watch it as well.

i told father " i will pay for my laptop, papa". and father has taken it to heart. so mac book pro on its way i think. zero bank balance.

and i have been in such a cranky mood off late. and so anti-social its quite a nice tale.

also i have made many many resolutions to hit the gyma and get some exercise. maybe i should start today. usually its always maybe i should start tomorrow. lets see.

and grandparents have wandered off to goa. and then mangalore. so its partay time without them till 4th! :)

of passion and the like.

vokay peeps. more tagged stuff to do. and considering that im emotionally numb due to various reasons this should be good for the mind. and/or heart. whatever.

point to be noted though i cannot give a straight answer. and almost always will give an explanation.

here goes:

8 things i am passionate about:
first i am so emotionally detatched to most things that when i saw this questions i really really had to think hard. contemplate on life its meaning and the like. i seriously dont feel enough passion for most things. i might attempt it a couple of times with passion, but its usually very difficult to sustain "the rose tint" of/in 99% of things.

1. first on my list would be my friends. they are the reason i am sane. they are my family and my support system. i absolutely louve them homies.
2. next on the agenda would be my space. aside from my friends this is probably the only other thing im 'constantly' passionate about. i louve my space. maybe a little too much. i really cannot deal with people on a regular basis. and if i had to choose between people and my space, space it is. i like spending time by myself, with myself; reading or just vegging out. and like thangu said i dont relate too well to people who cannot spend time by themselves.
3. reading/music: i think reading might take a slight lead in this. i cannot not read. even if im going on an adventurous trip and we might be camping and there wont be electricity . i will most definitely take atleast one book with me. i feel the need to read all the time. though i dont know how people can read more than one book at a time. i can read anything. (barring science fiction and religious stuff) and now moving on to musique.. lol. i like anything and everything except. excpet the house shite. i dont get the obsession with the mind numbing beats. or maybe the connection between alcohol (lots of it) and house should be explored a bit more. aside from that, i listen to everything. i love everything from the jalra bollywood numbers to hiphop to rock. but what i absolutely adore is old hindi songs.
4. the next on the list of 'passions' ( which is diminishing as the list progresses) is animals. i louve them all. no reptiles. but all animals i adore. i want to have a huge house with loads of cats and dogs. et all. not had a dog till now because my grandmother (father's mum) is a skank. but yeah.
5. shopping!! i absolutely love shopping. its not about burning money. but even shopping with others. for others. window shopping gives me a huge high. retail therapy. ever since i started working, the amount of money burnt per expedition has been increasing. this is quite truly a passion. i love the whole experience of it. the clothes, colours, fabrics. whee. im almost always game for it. the only condition is that the person with me should not start with 'are we done yet?' 'didnt you just see the same thing' type of nonsense.
6. fashion and all its trappings. this has to be one of the most consistent of interests of mine. right from the 11th standard when i used to sit in all my economics classes and sketch wedding day outfits for all the ladies. of course this is behind the economics notebooks. and when the teacher did find out well.. and now that i have studied a bit of it. and im working in the field typa thing i realise that i louve it even more.
7. hmmm. see now i really need to think. its like i 'like' a lot of stuff. but to be passionate means you need to louve it all the time. ok i love long walks. either one awesome person for company. or my ipod. i can walk for hours. (ofcourse after that i want to cut my legs and die quitely in a corner some where. ) i love walking by the beach in mangalore. its quite. there is no sign of humanity for a 10 mile radius. and the view is to die for. or in chennai it is boat club road. and through out the entire walk ill be checking out all the gorgeous houses and the extremely fat dogs. and no absolutely no hot boys. maybe a random hot uncle or two. sigh. the irony.
8. i have always wanted to have a house on the west coast. NO. not in gods own country. def outside of that. actually mangalore (suratkal on the outskirts on mangalore) is an awesome place. its a few hours from bangalore, and the scenery there is mind blowing. its by the coast. and for some reason i love the west coast more than the east coast. though i have lived here all my life. i think its has to do with the fact that there are like no people on the beach. no vendors. no plastic! its serious heaven on earth.

oh wheee. got 8 passions. took a lot of soul searching to get to this.

8 things to do before i die:

1. there is nothing i want to do more than tell me family to faack off. and i mean this in the nicest way possible. (so save the family is your life shite for some one who cares). i think it is all the pent up anger and frustration. also the fact that i cant say it now cause im living in the house. and even i am not that stupid to bite the hand that feeds. maybe gnaw every now and then. but bite. nope.
2. aside from all the love oozing out at the moment. i want to go on the african safari thing. i love these wildlife treks. so the kenyan safari would be very very awesome.
3. forget the mind numbing/bone chilling cold i want to go to the himalayas. and maybe if i have enough money stay at that ananda resort thing. but otherwise just going there would be really really nice. i had been to nepal like a loong time back. and the beauty of the mountains especially during sunset/sunrise.. sighh.
4. i want to have a shop. not boutiqueish.. but well something of a lifestyle store. defintely not mass produced shite. but yes. some day.
5. learn to love without letting my head do all the thinking/analysing. and love wholeheartedly. and maybe tell the person as well.
6. this is quite stupid. but seriously i want to learn to drive. and drive in peak traffic and not die of a panic attack. and do extremely common things like learn to park decently and try not (sigh:) to run down aatokarans. and third rate cyclists.
7. learn to walk in stilettos. and learn to love walking in them as well.
8. learn to box. :) i absolutely love the sport. and the agression. and the ofcourse the hot bodies in shorts are all plus points. but more importantly beating the fuck out of someone, that is an awesome high.

8 things i say often:

1. lol. this is in the countless sms's i send on a regular basis.
2. fuck/whore/skank/biyach. for all the assholes in my life i address on a regular basis.
3. love/lover/dawl to all my ladies. no we are not lesbians. :P
4. ma/pa- i think i use it for most sentences. sentence endings. sentence beginnings.
5. hullo! - not on the phone. but as an expression.
6. baby - for the boifrend. lol. :P
7. shut it. its self explanatory.
8. waaabit- to irritate the fuck out of my brother. :)

8 books i have read offlate:

1. Buddha of Suburbia - Hanif Kureshi.
2. The Long way Gone - Ismail Beah
3. The Inheritance of Loss- Kiran Desai.
4. Holy Cow- forgot author.
5. The Brick Lane - Monica Ali.
6. The Devil Wears Prada.
7. Sacred Games.
8. Shantaram.

8 things that attract me to my friends:

most of my close friends are women (this comes from convent + girls college upbrining). the men are there. but very very few. not that i dont know enough boys. most are extremely stupid and self absorbed. and i need to relate to people on a emotional level. and they need to have some sort of an intelligence quotient. most men fail miserably on both. (btw: this is not some feminist rant) they are quite funny though.

1. honest and straight forward : no they are not mahatma gandhi's in the making. and i dont mean thou shalt not steal type, but more like they dont back bite. are not manipulative in the least. im not going to say thye dont bitch. cause we all bitch. but we have never really bitched behind someone's back. its not because we care for them. its just most are not worth the effort to try back stabbing. and if there is anything to say my homies throw it on your(whoever) face.
2. respect space issues ;) : this is probably their biggest virtue. they know the concept of space. and if not understand my space issues they respect it. i dont need to hang with them everyday. or even talk to them. some might be in the same city as moi, but we wouldnt have seen each other for months at a stretch. but that does not diminish the love. and quite surprisingly we still relate. so im loving them even more.
3. they are highly indiviualistic. they dont care for anything, and live life on their own terms. they are highly opiniated and not afraid to voice their opinions. or stand up for them. lack of spine is a highly unattractive thing. so all me phrends have enough and more.
4. most are extremely non-judgemental. they couldnt careless what you wore, what you do for a living. what you do in general. how you talk. yet love you for who you are.
5. most actually 99% of my friends suffer from a dr.jekyll mr. hyde syndrome. they come across as bad ass bitches. but there is a mushy side to them that no one even would know about unless you really know them. and they arent the fragile women who cry for anything and everything. they kick serious ass, and mean business.
6. some of them are insanely funny. and some just do funny( at times stupid things which end up looking funny) things. at times its intelligent/ sarcastic humor. at times its slapstick at its besht or worst as the case maybe.
7. they are all immensly talented at what they do. be it fashion, marketting etc. they know what their strong points are, and are extremely self aware, and very intelligent.
8. not superficial in the least! i think the minute you have a brain+spine and know how to use them both, superficiality starts to fade.

Last but no the least

8 songs i can listen to over and over again:

the songs have more to do with lyrics. lyrics appeal to me more than anythingelse. after lyrics it would be the lead singers sexy drawwl. :P

1. Again- Lenny Kravitz. (that man. that voice. that bost. sighhhhhhhh)
2. Ordinary/ Calling all you Angels- Train. (for some reason i love their songs. i just do)
3. Liar- Korn. 9 i louve most songs by korn as well. but this is my favourite)
4. Kaho Naa Kaho - Murder (right? i dont see the films only hindi songs for me thank you)
5. Phoolon Ka Taaron ka - Hare Krishna Hare Ram (i think its the brotha-sistah thing :)
6. I would die for you- Garbage.
7. Maula mere - Anwar. (you'd have to listen to it and understand the lyrics to know why)
8. Dumb- Nirvana

vokay now time to tag:)

indi.

jan.

schmetterling.

broke

i have really been shopping like its going out of fashion. any more shopping and ill be breaking the bank. its quite a sad story. anyone want to adopt me??

though i am finally meeting thangu ma today! so more shopping in store. wheeeeeeeeeee.

ofcourse no food to eat. soon there may not be roof over head.

jobless. :P

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
Vantage point. thought was ultra crappy. before that though i saw 10,000B.C which made vantage point seem like oscar worthy material.
2. What book are you reading?
"Chowringee" quite descriptive. but nice.

3. Favorite board game?
ummm games (yes even board games). sports. not really happning.

4. Favorite magazine?
Vogue.

5. Favorite smells?
anythign citrusy. burberry- weekend. and a nina ricci one (kick ass pink bottle:)

6. Favorite sounds?
rain falling on mangalore tiles.

7. Worst feeling in the world?
being physically sick. other than that (matters of the heart et all) probably when someone does nto trust you. without trust there is no relationship according to moi. so that is that.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
fuck 7am. :(

9. Favorite fast food place?
sorry i louve my sapad too much.

10. Future child's name?
uhhhh. ummm. ok i like atreya. but i dont particularly like kids. so havnt thought of it as my kids name or whatever.

11. Finish this statement. "If I had lot of money I'd....?"
retire right now. buy a small house on some hill in Goa ( i louve the beaches). and chill.

12. Do you drive fast?
haha. sure. when i learn to drive ill be driving F1 shtyle.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
lol. i have a dirty (but adorable) dalmation. a big pink dawl. and tasmanian devil. big red one to keep me company every night.. :P

14. Storms - cool or scary?
at times cool. at times scary. but not too many storms in chennai....

15. What was your first car?
uh my familys first car?? well ambasaador. mine. ummm once i learn to drive ill update this.

16. Favorite drink?
orange juice. minus the sad ass sugar they usually pour into it.

17. Finish this statement, "If I had the time I would...."?
read. read. read. write. read. listen to music. drink kapi. read. write.

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
uhhh not really gobbled broccoli like that.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
deep purple. blue black.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you've lived in?
only chennai. visited?? that counts?

21. Favorite sports to watch?
uhh dont care.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
no one sent it. im took it off schmetterling's blog. one thing nice??? i love reading her blog. that probably speaks about her as a person as well. by defualt meaning i love her?? :P dont knwo all that. for the time being i love reading blog. (yes i cant give a straight answer at times)

23. What's under your bed?
nothing. i hate to clutter stuff under the bed and all.

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
i dont really wana come back.

.25. Morning person, or night owl?.
night owl.

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
hard boiled. i hate under cooked meat or meat products. not that i eat too much of either. but id rather have it charred than rare.

27. Favorite place to relax?
my room. or a sofa in the drawing room, provided no one (family members) not around.

28. Favorite pie?
i love all pies and tarts. i think its the biscuit/flour base. except choclate. but fav?? would be a toss between apple and the berry (blue/raspberry/strawberry) pies.

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?
coffee. then butterscotch. and tutti frutti. :)

30. Of all the people you tagged this to, who's most likely to respond first?
hmm dont know. who ever is most jobless i guess. and im not tagging any one in particular. whoever is interestd go right ahead.

update.

first of all health wise much better. headaches gone. actually reduced. and well generally feeling better. still should get more sleep though. and maybe a tad bit less kapi.

other than that. my old pink phone died off on me. very sadly and painfully. first camera died. then the display. then battery life. and it was pink! :( so got a new one for ugaadi (konani/telgu new year). this one is the N73 music edition.the key pad is sooo tiney. and i text so much. sigh.

other than that?? yesterday i spent a better part of my evening teaching brother psychology. what he is doing with that in engineering is beyond me. and, interest from his side 0%. my effort 80%. today is the exam and brother calls me from outside the exam hall to ask "how do you spell Freud?!!!"

i want a break. :(

on a more positive note tika has come down. vysh is also coming. and maybe maybe ill finally get to meet thangu ma :P

in sickness and in health

the whole of march i have been a very sickly child. i would (and still am) recover from one to plunge into another. it started with me hurting my knee. or actually my right leg sleeping off on me at 3am. and when i woke up it could not take my entire body weight. there by leaving all sad and in pain on the fucking floor for about 30 mins. then i slowly got up and crawled to the bed. The next day joy of all joys i could not walk properly. i could rest my body weight on that leg. and the left leg has hit a cabinet during the fall and i had a huge blue bruise on the that leg.

then just as i could walk. and not feel like an invalid. i fainted in college. the teacher who was with me when i fainted says it might be due to low bp. with a family like mine i wonder how that is possible. but yeah. i recovered. ate and went home. half day pay cut.

only to fall sick with viral fever the entire weekend. throat pain. fever. body ache. the works i say .

now as viral fever has disappeared, one side fo my head is paining. only one side. and it is very wierd since i never get headaches unless i haven't had kapi in sometime. brother is joyfully predicting tumor. biyach that he is. friend says i might be heading towards migraine and the like. which is extremely sad. as i am writing this i can feel the thorbbing in the left side of my fucking head. and i have 3 cups of kapi in the past hour and half.

sighhh.

im quite eagerly waiting for march to come to a halt. and hoping i start april on a fresh note.

what goes around comes back around

sometime last year brotha dearest had gone to the rowing nationals to hyderabad. where he was only civillian to compete in a competition monopolised by the 'army men'. there were many unfair practices adopted by the army competition, the minute they found out that my brother was actual competition. as a result brother wasnt selected for the finals. and the person who did win the finals went to the asian games. much to the disappointment of baby brother.

but well as the tile goes what goes around comes back around. brother was determined to kick army ass. so he started training for the past 6 months. traning began at 4.30am involved stirict diets and intensive workouts. and he went to the nationals again this year. and well he won the gold. he is the youngest ever to do so. and the first civillian in 20 years to whoop army ass. and what is more heartening is the fact that james sir who whooped army ass 20 years ago trained my brother for the nationals :)

this reminds me of all those zillion sports movies i have seen where the underdogs win after much toil and hardship. most deserving win if i do say so.

she will be loved.

i think with my head.

write with my heart.

and talk with a bravado thats,

more farce than true.

off late im on a 'what if' trip.

for the only beauty of unrequitted love lies in the 'what if'

and the bravado that usually flows so easily

well seems to have deserted me.

its not about comittment.

might be about trust. faith even.

it probably is about letting your guard down

a free fall of trust.

hope.

but, actually is just a prayer that someone does not,

will not,

break your heart.

quirk for the day.

apparently ma louve knows all me quirks. so i am going to rack brain to find newer quirkks which i shall post randomly.

quirk for the day:
when i read books and there is something that strikes me as interesting or 'profound' i note down the sentence, para etc in a book. this is the same book i write down all me poems and angst ridden thoughts.

the last book i read 'the inheritance of loss' didnt affect me muchly. maybe 'buddha of suburbia'- hanif kureishi would have a better imapct.

quirky seven.

hmmm thangu ma louve tagged me with 7 quirks that i have, and well need to shout out to the rest of the world. just incase they didnt think i was wierd enough. now i dont know what consitutes as quirks and whats just plain creepy or boring.. so im just goin to list'em out.

now for zem quirks.

1. for starters i dont like children or maybe i should say im not fond of them. i dont seem to possess any maternal instincts what so ever. i think some babies are cute. and by these i mean fat babies. but i dont go all "awwwwww" over babies or children. infact im not unsure how to react around them at times. wierdly my brother (the anti-social biyach) is quite good with kids. the smaller they are the more he likes to harass them. think i found a babysitter if i ever have kids.
2. maybe this goes with my short attention span and the general adage that i get bored with everything at the drop of a hat. people rarely sustain my attention over prolonged periods. its not to say your not interesting( some just arent) but well i get bored. people or otherwise. and the ones that do sustain my interest you know who you are. :D
3. and coming to numbah thweee. think 2&3 are related. i expect every relationship to end. friendship or otherwise. naturally or otherwise. i dont know why. or maybe its me being highly insecure. other times we just drift apart.
4. im not romantic in the least. the candle light dinner hoopla holds no meaning. and roses and choclates/ and gifts dont make a difference to my life. and i cant sit through any romantic comedies/ or chick flicks even. truth be told i dont love easily , but when/if i do, i give it all. its sort of like all or nothing at all. extremes at its besht.
5. i lourve rasins. i dont know why. i can sit and eat a cups full of them. but im not so fond of the nuts. :P and speaking about food i love my brahmin sapad. nothing beats rasam rice with potato curry and appalam. i louve home food. and i love my vegetables and fruits. but rasins rule the roost. :)
6. i love animals. more than people without a doubt. i have always wanted a house on the hill in goa. with loads of cats/dogs/ and every other creature (no reptiles please). i go all 'awwwww' over puppies/kittens. and i sit and watch discovery and animal planet and watch all the louving documentaries that are there. i cry when i see animals hurt. and i get all emotional. but entire generations in my family can die (pass away ? more politically correct?) and im dont really give a rats ass.
7. im scared of traffic. which is why i have never learnt to drive. and i hate. detest crossing roads. ill take 15-20 minute detours to prevent crossing roads. and if im crossing the roads with someone i will be clutching their hands (death grip et all) till we reach the other side.

ok that about it for now.

dance with me.

i think disenchantment is a job process. or maybe this job's process. im quite sick of getting up for work as of now. but the post isnt exactly about disenchantment. its more about a short trip to bangalore. and its not even about the details about the trip.

just one point.

apparently dancing has been banned in bangalore. aldready they shut down the damn places by 11. now because all the 'bar dancers' from bombay have set shop in bengaluru the government got all hot under the collar. so they shut down the dance bars. the bar owners took up a petition with the government that, disco's allow dancing. so the government apparently cannot 'differentiate' between a dance bar and a disco. so what do they do? ban dancing. so now you can stand at all the 5/6/7 star hotel discos with a drink. but move a muscle and you're out.

bastards.

news bulletin

hmmm.. went for an interview with Bill, the faculty of london college of fashion. applied for a course in fashion media promotion. interview went off well. and i got through. so that is one option. other other option would be if i decide to stay back. maybe leave this lovely city. and work some place else. or i could just haul ass to london. or... i dont know.