The closed street.

Maybe one day i learn to ask for what i want
Instead of acting like it does not matter
Indifference has not worked for me
Never has
Yet i am scared to ask
Is it ego or is it fear.
for fear of being rejected...

I will never know
Cause i will never ask.

I cant check out

Is it regressive that your old posts hold true? They still kind of define you as a person, and you dont think you have grown as a person. Either emotionally or mentally.

Hello

So the brother is coming back after a 1.5 year hiatus from the lovely city of chennai.
Will be good to attempt some fanily bonding at last.

An interesting thought for the day " good things fall apart so better things can fall into place" could mean that there is a bigger plan, and im standing too close to the situation to actually notice the bigger picture as always by over analyzing. (Hoping thats true)

happy diwali!

'i think this has to be the "fanciest" diwali, i woke up after the puja.. just in time for the gifts and the breakfast. slept through lunch and missed the family. woke up and went partying and had my parents blessings. and have three adorable kittens at home which my grandma does not know about. + grandma heading out of town this friday!!
could not have asked for a better diwali.
wish my brother was here though. (the closest thing i got to family) :/

happy diwali one and all. have a safe diwali :)

way back into sanity

why is life about extreme choices? why the fuck cant it be simpler? at times i dont know what i have learnt from my choices but pain and heart ache. i just know that i come across looking like an idiot. trying to find some semblance. trying not to cry myself to bed every fucking night. why cant i let go, and learn to find that ever elusive peace of mind.

coming back to life

hello dear sanity

now that the chaos is subsiding will you please come home?

sincerely
me

my present.

id never have thought i would be a coward.
sometimes its much easier to just give in. pretend to not care.
just live in the illusion.
and not worry about the crap thats my reality.

one month into the new year

i think im always about things coming together in a full circle. be it the place i work with, or people in my life. good or bad things seem painfully cyclic at times. i have grown with some experiences, out grown other things and people, and given up on most. i have become more selfish with my peace of mind, and that is only a good thing. my time is no longer available for the emotionally draining people, work is draining enough. i have made new friends, re-kindled older friendships, lost friends, and bonded with family.

now if i can stop over thinking most things i should be fine.

not.again.

dear sunshine why do you always fucking rain on my parade?

goodnight. and hopefully goodbye.

2.0.1.1

happy new year to one and all. hope this year brings you all the joy and happiness that you deserve!

my way on the highway!

sadness. disapointment.anger. all directed towards me is not exactly helping the situation. come the new year its time to take the initiative. it is my life after all. im done with the meandering. i need to find my direction, and STICK to it.

*cheers*

to new beginnings! even if its not the best of decisions a change of scenery is always good.

ilove!

a weekend not well spent

time out

ever felt that time is running out? and in that panic you make decisions that arent exactly smart but seem "right" for the moment your in?

all the small things

sometimes being petty gives you such immense satisfaction that you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture! (which at that point seems like the best plan of action.)

cyclic.

sometimes i feel like i am searching. always searching. from tangible to the intangible. for that nice top. for a good buy. for that elusive peace of mind. i wish sometimes things will be like a magic show. tada and you have it. or you dont have it. the suspense is over in a few minutes. i have learnt that i hate waiting. waiting for people, for an event, anything. just generally hate waiting. the anticipation of things is a whore. cause it leads to expectations which is the mother of all bitches.

wanting /searching - waiting - anticipation - expectation - disappointment. root of all causes is my want. now to attempt to curb it.

having my cake and DEF eating it too!

so i have had a cupcake obsession for a while. seeing numerous cupcakes (dreams and otherwise) pictures i started to ask people where to get them from. i finally managed to get hold of a lady near my house who will make them for me. 12/15 at a time. and she made the cutest ones i have seen. they are all vanilla flavored with various icing options! i have learnt from various cupcake trials that i like the gooey heart/artery clogging ones the best! if your going to die might as well enjoy a taste of heaven!

next week brownie with fudge icing trial!

need. a. happy. place.

just when i thought i was capable of emotional detachment i go and do the stupidest thing. get emotionally attached. i did not even know that i can hurt so much. the pain is not just about physical distance but ironically emotional as well. i do not know why i keep pushing and pulling so much. i give and try not to expect, but that rarely happens. i dont even know how to articulate this. which is a first for me.

the themes are recurrent, the emotion is always the same. the need is always the same. to move to happier place i think i need a physical change. environment wise. people wise. job wise.

how does some one stop reminding you of the past. the good/bad/ugly whatever. i get the fact that you decide how much some one affects your life. how do you wrest that control over your life from some one?

my ego wants gratification. my heart craves stability and assurance. my head needs independence.

how many people can provide all that and still stay invested in me?

(do i dare say) in us?

fini

why is it that some people affect your life even though you no longer have any contact with them? you try so hard to distance yourself from them. try to stop letting them affect you, yet the smallest thing they do depresses you? puts you out of sorts and you obsess about it till eternity or worse blog about it. its probably called closure. but i don't know how to get there. i desperately crave it. add to those woes everyone knows everyone in this shitty city. and this small world phenomenon is getting a bit too old for me. and too close for comfort.

i really wish peace of mind could be bought.