note to thy self # 2

the truth sometimes causes more heartache than relief.

for no one

someone told me last year, that this year would be better for me health-wise and otherwise as well.

apart from a few flu type illness i would say health-wise i am ok.

but moving to the otherwise, i started a job which i hoping to last in for quite a while. but that didnt happen, quite the way i wanted it to work out. i guess life is what happens when your busy planning how to live.

work apart, some where down the line i have been having disagreements with most of friends. and have spent a majority of my time distancing them. which is not such a great move since i dont have that many to begin with, and socializing is not really my cup to tea. and i dont even know what my game plan with this distance thing even is.

on the home front things have been stagnant. no. love. at. all. and with the brother away in canada its not really the best of times to bond with the other family members.

i think i need closure. and i need to move. there are too many common friends. too many painful memories. too many not so happy occasions.

i guess its about remembering the good a the end of the day. but when you dont see the end and its all but an endless cycle of indifference, attachment, pain, hurt and longing there seems to be no end in sight.

i think the doctor just ordered closure.

Note to thy self # 1

stop short changing yourself. people are not worth the effort.

mother and i

now that brother dearest has left, and its even more evident since it was his birthday yesterday. apart from all the sadness engulfing me we are on cleaning sprees. the mother and i. whitewashing and repainting. my room included.

mother has already given ultimatums suggesting that if i leave the house as well (anyone wanting to adopt??) she will be leaving the dungeon as well and going to mangalore.

ultimatums apart, it is difficult to not have the annoying little brother at home. all the annoying bit given he is the closest thing i got to family. if not the only.

mother i thinking is coping worse. she is used to cooking and being on beck and call for him. and i am the more self sufficient and self reliant one. so now she suddenly feels like she has nothing to do. hence the frantic cleaning to rooms and the like.

in other recent happenings my caffeine junkie behavior has waned. died. whatever. i dont enjoy more than my 2 cups. which are oxygen to my usual sleep deprived state. but beyond those two mandatory cups' i dont crave it. and more often than not cant get myself to drink it. maybe this is also coz i am not really working full time now, hence the need for kapi has not yet risen. will keep thou updated on this.

and, im planing on getting my room painted as well. since it has been aeons since the last painting session. and i want some nice bright colours. nothing sad or gloomy. and no damn pastels.

so get back with suggestions if any.

announcements

hmmm i dont know if the below mentioned things are considered progress in the 'real world'. but they are small things that mean a lot to me so mentioning them:

• brother left for better pastures to vancouver. sigh sigh sigh sigh. woe is me. my only family member has left. i have officially nothing left to stay for in this city.
• most of the dental work is done with. root canal down. 2 cavities down. got some more things left with the dentist. but i finally addressed these 'teething' problems.
• got a new llr issued. since my earlier one had lapsed and i had to go get my license, so they issued fresh llr, license in a month.

ok when i think of more accomplishments i shall announce to the world. adios for now.

heylo

this is def a year for new beginnings.

• got me root canal done. got some more sittings with the dentist but the hardest part is always the beginning.

• i quit my job with kimaya. psycho boss. end of story. (thou shall not bitch too much).

• started a computer course, for fashion flats and the like.

• decided to be honest about things that mean a lot to me. got shot down on most things. but i have no regrets.

• brother dearest is leaving soon. and i am truly sad about that. the one person who means a lot to me.

thats it i guess.

lesson learnt the hard way: its ok to expect. as long as your ok with the heart ache that accompanies it at times.

sigh.

i am need of closure. whatever the price. any one?

check in. check out.

sometimes we expect more from ourselves. we wont really let ourselves down now, would we? rhetorical my dear friend. and the flip side being us constantly underestimating ourselves. expectations coupled with loss of faith sprinkled with liberal doses of kapi does nothing for my heart. 

people come and people go. some profoundly influence you. some just provide the necessary entertainment to get by. its those that get under your skin that irritate me. that leads me to believe that i care. and that i might actually have a heart. *gasp*

its about a journey with an end, and no fixed itinerary. right, wrong, morality, good and bad are but victims of priorities. conscience being perhaps your greatest enemy. surrounded with a myriad choices, its what you choose to take or not take home. 

its not an end in itself, but a means to an end. 

status update

been taking the santro out every other day to get used to various "aspects" of driving like brakes and the like.

developed a new love for the iphone. i have no idea why though. cause a week earlier i was not even remotely interested in it. 

the best news I'm off to bangalore. 

bye.

pointers

• have started the much awaited computer classes and they going ok. atleast in moments of joblessness i can learn something new.
  

• moving on i have stopped my psychotic intake of kapi (esp after much info given by loving friends). now its down to 2 cups of kapi a day. mostly in the morning, and in the evening if the urge persists i have a mug of hot chocolate. i have not really worked out how it helps me. but i am thinking it will in the long run. so cheers to health. 
  

• i got my l.l.r on 16th of dec. so essentially june 16th it expires. so that means i have 2 months to buck up and finish those classes and practice with moi driver so i didnt waste money for those classes. but i cant seem to motivate meself to go for those classes or drive around in this fucking city. 
  

• my jbl radial is slowly dying on me, and i want to upgrade my 4gb nano to the 16gb one. with these two done my life would be a better place for a while atleast.

• and july is going to be a good month. 2 of my homies will be coming back for atleast a month. and then i can really have some fun.

okie thats it for now. ciao.

review

delhi 6 was a waste of time. cant get over the mess they made of the movie. though sonam kapoor's clothes in the film was a refreshing change. dev d on the other hand was a revelation. abhay deol (i cant BELIEVE he is related to bobby and sunny, btw) was fabulous. as was kalki. the interpretation of devdas was fantastic. maybe the fact that i had no expectations from the movie that i had such a fab time. 

back to gym, driving class and much procrastinated computer classes. 

fyi

i never quite finished my driving classes. have 9kms left. and well never got around to finishing it. 

reason being, well i am bogged down with work. kimaya isnt cakewalk. never thought it would be, but did not think it would be this much of a whore. 

positive points, i like the people i am working with. but learning wise i dont know how much is happning. 

and since i am never at home i rarely get to see family. so when i do see them, they are very very nice. 

moving on, i need some sleep. so will bitch more the next time around.

new beginnings, and an end.

happy new year to one and all. hope it is a good year, for everyone!

now that the pleasantries are over and done with, driving classes have reached a stagnation point. i HAVE to finish the classes by 16th. then apply for my license and the like. and then i need to practice on my car, so i get the hang of this. 

one hand i must say i am quite happy i actually took the initiative to learn to drive. but on the other hand i must say i dont like to drive. i am waaay to tensed, and the driving and enjoying bit, wind in hair bit and all has to wait. maybe till i am a little more confident about my ability to drive. but having said all this, this is one more move in direction to usurping car and leaving :p

moving on, almost every other person i know is getting engaged. which is great, to all brides to be please shop at kimaya. :) :) 

other than that on the work front work starting in full swing. we are living at the office, and from tomorrow at the store. photos shall duly be put up. store looks gorgeous, with major light and mirror detailing. and we shall be having a few parties and the like.

moving on, my grandma's sister passed away on monday. mother's side. and i love the lady. i was headed to work when mum called to tell me. for a moment all i could remember was the photo of an old lady carrying me when i was 2 months old. and old lady who has written over 20 books for me filled with recipes, jokes and sewing/painting tips. and then i remember, when i had gone in october to visit mangalore; watching a really old woman struggling to breath through the tube inserted in her. someone who had to be spoon fed. who could barely articulate a few words, let alone string sentences. and these are not the images i want to remember. especially of the few people i love. i have to remark at the unfairness of life. and do wonder what god above is doing watching all this. 

it would be fair to say i am happy she passed away. to watch her struggle to survive, after spending her whole damn life taking care of all the grandchildren it is fucking unfair. i think every person has the right to demand dignity in death. no i didn't go to mangalore. i dont think i could have pulled it together if i went there. i dont want to think that my grandmother is mortal, and might join her sister soon. but i do know that her passing away is easier for me to deal with, than watching her struggle to live. and wondering with each passing day which might be her last. 

though, there are somethings to be thankful for, i did go and see her in october. and she remembered my name. and recognized me. 

drive by update

annd today i finally had the balls to take out my santro. as opposed to driving in the school's car. was an experience. since in the driving school car the man teaching me has been always applying the break as and when necessary, i have no idea when to apply the brakes, or how much pressure. but didnt do badly. no scratches yet. though i stalled the car like 5 times. sigh. 

d.r.i.v.e

I HAVE FINALLY STARTED DRIVING CLASSES!!!!!!! 

this has been my new year resolution for many years. and now i finally i have taken the initiative. 5 classses down. wheee. no one killed as yet! whooo hoo!! 

but overall i am very proud of myself for taking the step and learning to drive. :D and i am getting up early every day to ensure that i am going to the class on time and i am done with the lessons before my work begins in earnest, and i am too tired after work to take it up. but yay!

fashion and page3

page 3 isn't my cup of tea. neither is socializing. but to work at a fashion boutique the size of kimaya i guess you should know the basics. starting with net worth of the patrons. without even the store opening we are working on a zillion guest lists for the various parties and launches. criteria is people who would buy the expensive clothes and look good. but thankfully we have uniforms. or i would be spending all my hard earned money on clothes to wear. just blew money on a hugo boss bag, and patent wedges, and ballet flats. something nice and comfy to wear to work, and for random work related parties. 

moving on, i think new year is going to be spent at home. i am not a fan of random parties. and if i am not mistaken we will have work till at least 8 p.m., and then to party.. hmm. i am growing old. more than that all my friends have left. its quite sad. I mish all the ladies a lot! i mish all the dancing and the crazy drives. 

i found my transparent mascara. i am not a mascara fan. not interested in the painful make up removal procedure. but, by chance clarins had a transparent mascara. so whee!

update.

for those who would care

• i am going to start work on 1st december with this huge fashion boutique called kimaya. don't know how many of you would have heard of it. it is based in bombay with stores in delhi, dubai, now chennai and bangalore. essentially i would be working as a fashion consultant at the store. lots of bitch work. but i should learn a lot. and when you start at the bottom you would just have to rise to the top. (or so i am hoping). and there will be a lot of launch parties so hoping to meet people who have the capacity to burn money if i do set up something in the future.
• i managed to delete my 6 gb of photos. i rock. but because i was so paranoid i had taken quite a few back ups. so found most back. but lost an entire folder of pondi trip photos. sigh. other than that not much damage. 
• have been watching movie after movie at satyam. and reading like books are going extinct. dostana, fashion, body of lies (twice), quantum of solace, death race so far. 
• died with viral fever, and many other skin ailments. have been a sickly child this year. which is quite unlike me. sigh. hopefully next year i'll kick arse. 
• ohh and i got my pink 6600 flip phone. nokia.  so this quite a nice way to end the year, which has been extremely painful. 

k if anything else comes to mind, i shall update. adios

how i wish i felt nothing.

you would think after a year things would go smoothly. but when you cry yourself to sleep, and sorely miss your support systems.. i guess you would have to take a look at things. a good look at that. and ask yourself, if it is worth it.

it is not about doing better than you are doing now. not about 'having' things better either. it is about wanting what you got. and being around people who make you feel good about yourself. and also about this thing called trust. which should have grown. and def not about mind games that have crept in. it is about communication and faith. and not petty things that it has been reduced to. no. i am not expecting someone to change for me. but when you haver changed from what/who i saw and knew a year ago, then the questions would arise.

when you have to make changes in your routine you ask yourself is it worth it? when you cannot connect emotionally with someone you ask yourself what it is about. one night stands are not my style. so am i going to make it only about the sex? how i wish i could deal with sex with no strings attached. sigh. treat boys like toys. etc etc. but i am nothing like that. and not going to change now.

i can act like a five-year-old. i can be petty. i can play mind games. and i will win. but i choose not to. not because i cant, but because i know it hurts. and you do not hurt the ones u care about.

yes i know change is inevitable. with each experience you grow. learn. react. but to become someone i cant trust, i guess is not the way it should be. some one should not make you complete. self reliance is important. but someone should not try to break your spirit either. and every relationship should ideally be based on trust, not indifference.

this is not a rave or a rant. just putting into words what i felt. so i can view the situation more rationally. i know what i am supposed to do. but cant seem to get around to doing it. and sometimes the lump in your throat is so hard you cant swallow.

everyone i guess deserves a fair chance. a shot at getting what they want, minus the barriers. i somehow don't think i gave it to you. by expecting everything to end. and waiting for everyone to leave you, you don't really have a game plan for life.

but i guess life isn't really about game plans.

and maybe my friends are right. sometimes it is not worth fighting with your parents about/for something that you know will not last. especially when you know the other person does not believe your worth fighting for.

life does have a way of completing things. a perfect circle. from indifference right back to indifference. i guess i back to my defensive mode.

*sigh*

like said not a rant. just writing things out for my peace of mind.

BRAND NU

so i am finally working on the new macbook pro. its awesome!! and decided to upgrade blogger templates and like and see what i can play around and come up with.

got one job offer at hand. one final interview for another job thing coming up in the next 2 weeks. so please pray for me.

going to mangalore to see grandma next week. monday to be precise. quite happy about that.

transience

it is quite painful for me to admit i have changed as a person. i know some change is expected. good even. but its quite frustrating to know that i have a different set of ideas now. and that when i say i dont give a fuck, i might actually be lying and i actually do give a fuck. sigh. i have always been so indifferent. so emotionally detatched all my life, that now i dont know how to deal with this new phase of mine.

moving on have a couple of decent job offers to choose from. now just need to figure out what would suit me best type of thing. then i can start the routine again.