Update

lack of sleep really kills my day. i slept very late yesterday, and HAD to get up early today as we are having a guest lecturer till next week ( btw we have a project also due next week!!, and i dont know the topic. figures naa??). anyway...point being now im really sleepy and just want to laze around, and then it will be one vicious cycle till the end of the week. and then ill be spoiling my weekend!! sob!!

anyway my good buddy tika is coming down this friday. really looking forward to unwinding with the ladies. and just chilling out. and she will be pleased to know that im enjoying what im doing. since she keeps telling (unsuccessfully) to enjoy what i have.

i guess its not about getting what you want, but wanting what you got. ummmm.....
nice philosophy. anyway practicing it time and again. a huge improvement from last year!

btw does anyone know how to delete the damn unwanted comments that appear on the posts ??? any advice will be appreciated!

Q & A.

acceptance is hard.
i cannot comprehend the question..
let alone formulate an answer.
as i grasp at vague obstacles..to stall answering
you are waiting....
perhaps for that elusive answer,
perhaps for me to fail.

yes. i am at a loss for words.
but, there are a myriad different options in my mind.
i won't disappoint. i have failed.
i donot know all the answers.
as said before i donot understand the question.
perhaps i am waiting for myself to accept the failure.

i donot know.
maybe will never know.
..or rather not admit.
but for the moment........
i dont understand the question.

OH GOD !

well hello again.

for a few days now i have been suffering from writers block. or maybe its just a mental block. anyway i havent been upto much in terms of exciting events or social dos. on contrary i have been sitting at home reading, and listening to music.

well i finally read 'the da vinci code' ( yes tika finally!) and well i found it interesting. a lot of facts and dan brown has gone to great lengths to ensure authenticity of the facts. well that in itself is a commendable feat. but i think that the plot is a bit too 'far fetched'? yeah maybe that is the word. and towards the end i was expectng the usual suspects to b apprehended. and i was not disappointed.

the book again illustrates the length that a man would go for his faith. like its said in the book faith and money are great motivators. but the whole concept of religion ( not just christianity) gets distorted as you progress furthur. man's greed and quest for power is well sickening and horrifying at the same time. this book further consolidates my personal belief that religion is merely a means to control the masses. and it is very disconcerting to find progandas being promoted in the name of god.

from the gutters.. to the stars.

a million miles away.
i am talking.. yet....
you dont listen.
gazing beyond.
you have lost interest.
i want you. yet pride does not allow.
stop the meaningless talk.
i' m walking.
but i guess you dont see.
for youre a million miles away...

freedom of speech!

today we had a huge debate in college if life skills should be taught or not. the questions, accusations, and insults flew hard and fast. many of us felt that we rather learn things the hard way than be taught how to live. life is not a damn book. every indiviual experiences and sees things differently. so twenty people will have twenty different perspectives on the same topic or discussion at hand. and we decided we cannot be taught how to live our life. life is an experience. its the journey that matters. the end may or may not be in sight for sometime to come.

mundane.......................

well finally got the haircut at Kanya. its damn short,( and awesome) especially since ive had shoulder length for the better part of 2005, anyway the new haircut seems to have taken weight of my shoulders. i feel free....no idea why coz it is just a haircut. anyway. enjoying the weekend as of now. couldnot sleep late coz college has effectively removed my ability to sleep till 11-12. was awake at 7.30 today!!! then feel into a deep disturbed sleep and was really pissed off when i woke up. ;(
anyway today just chilling out at home, eating, watching tv, catching up on e-mails and chatting with buddies, and welll basically hanging at home. by myself.
i have promised myself that i would start my homework tonight so i donot have to stay up late tom and spoil the begining of the next week by not getting enough sleep.
since college has started though i enjoy my course i miss just chilling out by myself just not doing anything, maybe reading or writing just welll.....chilling. guess college and work load does that you. *sigh*
tomorrow plan to go for a swim hope one of my buddies can join. btw one of my best friends left for london yest. and well it was really sad. i am very happy for her. her dream is coming true. but its sad coz as of now we can no longer just hang out, or go for a swim. she will not be coming back to chennai for sometime and well that is depressing enough.
anyway that is i for now.

the hand that feeds.

you walk a thin line between us and the rest. always there for me..yet i do not recognise your efforts. diplomatic, ever ready, charged, are but a few of the words i could use to describe you.
yet i do not aspire to be you.for you give so much without expecting, so trusting, so open. you wear your heart on your sleeve. day in day out you clean. cook. manage the house. me. papa. rahul......

yet you donot ask for anything in return. you crave for our respect. our recognition. our love... and well go home emptyhanded. you think big and put those into action. and all you ask for in return is just the fee due. respect.

sometimes the enemy is not at the gates but within. biting the hand that feeds. well for those demons and more...........sorry.

Since you've been gone.......

could i hold you?
just a little while longer...?
somewhere i can still see you,
feel you.
i still mourn for you.
for what could have been.
life is but a hobby.
white light in the dark.

could i hold on a li'l while longer?

i can still smell the pine nuts,
the coffee, the oranges...
you were the first.
you were the last.

the week that was...

well hello again. this past week i have been attending college ( getting out of bed at 11 is hard enough) and its been an experience. good or bad i am yet to judge. or better yet not judge.

a recollection of the week that was:

bro celebrated his b'day but fell sick the very next day. by celebrate i mean't by himself and his buddies minus any family members.

i met some nice classmates, some decent classmates and some nice friends.
i realised that my classmates from the 11th have one thing in common everyone is united on the front of not having class. ( wierd coincidence, or maybe just mob mentality any which way im loving it.)

clases are nice. in the sense we just started so they are not too hectic but lets see.....
and the tables are still 'coming' so we have to make do with the floor in the meantime.

college has removed my ability to sleep. this weekend was wide awake and very pissed off from 8.30 in the bloody morning. mum is glad though. ;(

found today in college that from tomorrow we have 'life skills' i mean ????? why?? anyway no idea what class constitues but its meant to 'change' our lives in 2 weeks. plus side no clases( only the morning session is not there) for the two weeks.

that is it for now. btw im still planing that hair cut thangu. thought ill go on wednesday for it. since its a holiday. vinayaka chathurthi. that brings me to the reason of the blog..i got up today since wednesday is a holiday. ;)

but on the minus side have to go the temple. fuck. and we might have life skills class on saturday.

watever.

covering all bases.

sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we are happy. or we try not to think of the circumstances...of our unhappiness.

well im trying both. college started yesterday. it is ok. plus sides its close to my house, have made one very decent friend. the boys are ok, in the sense no leecherous bastards. the course itself is something im interested in. i might be able to transfer credits to go abroad...and well the biggest plus side one of my closest friend has joined another course in the same college.

minus sides?? (remember two sides to every story people) well there were no desks. no canteen. no equipment. no blackboard. and no other decent classmates. and i seem to know more than the damn teacher?!!

now the neutral side the desks, equipments, and stuff are all on their way. books and the like will be coming soon. so technically everything should be in place soon. and we will have visiting faculty coming in soon. notice im using 'coming soon' a lot. will let you know, when the soon is.

the reason why im feeling down?? i know i could have had a better environment for learning!! and more importantly i know i deserve better. so....lets just hope for the best. bye.

its a lloooonnngg way to the top!

well college starts on monday and from then on the vacation officially comes to a halt. i will be working (hopefully) six days a week and i dont think ill be getting holidays for christmas. that means i might not be able to come shopping with you thangu!! (sob!!) and in the second year we have to get work experience. ;( ok on to more positive things well for four months i had just parked my ass at home so, technically its time to move on aldready!! secondly i will out of the house like everyday and if i will, be at home ill be sleeping due to exhaustion (read workload), so no more fights with mum and grandma!! yeah!!

but im nervous about the classmates and work prospects after the 2 years!!(sooobbb!) but i guess i'll have to start college for that naa?? ok so here goes. bye.

can't fight the moonlight!!

well since i have finished my literature course all i can associate moonlight or the moon itself is with madness. a few days back i went swimming and i was all alone in the pool for like half an hour. instead of enjoying the solitude like i usually do i was getting really jittery. then praise the lord people started to come. of course that irritated me just as much, too much of humanity is not my cup of tea. but atleast it took my mind of the moon and its influence.!!

the music or the musican??

well i have always wondered about band loyalty. i am drawn to the music, irrespective of genre, band, band members, race or language. and i realised this just some time back. but this does raise the all important question do u just reject a band/ musican if one song is bad?? or do you raise them to the status of god 'cause of one good song?? fickle audience indeed. but its worth a thought aint it??

drama queen!!

well this weekend has been the most fun i have had in a long time. and it did not involve booze, or any other life altering substances. i met up with two awesome buddies and we chilled out in boat club, gawked at the corporates rowing downstream, ate tons of ice cream, good cheap food (at dad's expense) and laughed like psychos till late into the night. this was on sunday.


come monday i payed the price for the fun. i was down with stomach infection and was very, very sick. but am feeling better today so all's well that ends well.

What Women Want..

your heart, your soul
is all i want.
not money, nor fame.
neither your looks, nor your attitude.
your heart, your soul
is all i want.

take your promises elsewhere
'cause your trust is all i need.
reassurances, baubles, praises
do nothing for my state of mind.
your faith is all i need.

just hold me tight
that proves enough.

your presence is all i need.
your heart, soul, trust and faith
is what i crave.
i'll keep them safe.
i promise.

...just hold me tight.
that proves enough.

independence day.

well it seems like a long time back when i wrote a poem for school titled 'freedom a mirage' (if im not mistaken). and we are again here to celebrate the day india got her independence. i vaguely remember the poem and some of the key issues i raised then, they suprisingly are valid even now. so that should dash away any optimistic thoughts about g8 and becoming a developed nation right? what the fuck have we done with our hard won freedom!

music, Is the food of life.

i finally got the song i really wanted.

and im happy.

for today atleast.!!!! ;)

Rest.In.Peace.

out of sight, out of mind.
i, have, been hiding.
its scary admitting it.
but hiding from what?

that is the million dollar question.

the fear to comitt,
pangs of lonliness and seperation.
the agony of failure,
more so, admitting defeat.
confrontational i am not.
no matter the cost, to others, or;
myself.
i am content to cast aside
doubts, insecurities and disparities
in thought, deed and action.
yet here you are,
raking up old arguments,
provoking, irritating, frustrating.
why can you not let it be?
let the sleeping dogs lie!
why can you not be content;
to drink in the present moment?
for this is all i have to offer.
let them lie.

please.

The Glass Is Half Empty.

life has its moments.
each poignant in its pain, hope, humiliation and joy.
sometimes you are bigger than the moment,
at times...the circumstances overcome you.
emptiness is an emotion.
a wide gaping hole exists.
i cannot cry any more.
not because i 'cannot', but,
because i can't.
silence speaks volumes at times like these.
i wonder if all is lost.
a sadness still lingers.
like a dense fog settling down.
suffocating. blurring. heavy.

Inaugration

something best to describe my writing?? predictable. yeah i think that might be an appropriate word. my causes are limited, tone?? perhaps the same. but i truly believe that every indiviual has within themselves the ability to suprise. especially when cornered. its more like survival of the fittest in a twisted way. its during these times that the indiviual truly comes of his/ her own. discarding the facade that had become life.

lets start shall we? welcome to a glimpse into my world. post-modernist( masquerading as rebellious), angst- ridden, existentialist, indifferent. a deadly cockatail if i must say so myself.;) and it did not take too long to come up with this in-depth analysis of thy self.

but i guess each indiviual to his own. from monotony to autonomy. breaking free from a homogeneous culture.