predictions and the like...

"You can get along with almost anyone today -- your great social energy really complements the needs of your peers! It's a great time to forge alliances with those you don't know well."

lol obviously my face book horoscope is fucked in the head. i have a splitting headache. broken my kapi diet of 2 cups a day. and been guzzling kapi, and no avail. sob. bye.

last resort

i miss the stability of detachment.

points of authority

having no regrets is part of my game plan for life. or sort of my game plan. cause' i believe that all experiences teach you something. (good, bad or ugly) and its up to you what you take away from the whole experience.

but sometimes you wonder if you did things differently would you be happier? or if you decided not to do something would some one else be happier? that is a scary thought that some one else's happiness/misery lies with you. even scarier that your own happiness lies with you. i not yet sure what role fate plays in my life. i would like to think that i control my life, and the outcome. but at the same time it so much easier to cut back, relax and let fate take over. and blame everything on karma and the like. if your not responsible for the outcome, you dont have to take punitive measures to rectify your mistakes if any.

its not a great thought that you have that much control over someone else's life. at least not for me.

such deep thinking for a sleep deprived mind. night.

note to self # 3

sometimes hope is all you got left.

small mercies

thank you god for the drama less weekend. amen.

a matter of perspective

sometimes if you let that massive ego go, and ask for help you will be surprised by the number of people willing to be there for you.

wether its about trusting the few. or just not alienating the whole lot, a bit of explanation goes a long way.

fingers crossed in hoping this week fares 1000 times better than the crappy weekend, and the shit that was last weekend.

iwant!!

note to thy self # 2

the truth sometimes causes more heartache than relief.

for no one

someone told me last year, that this year would be better for me health-wise and otherwise as well.

apart from a few flu type illness i would say health-wise i am ok.

but moving to the otherwise, i started a job which i hoping to last in for quite a while. but that didnt happen, quite the way i wanted it to work out. i guess life is what happens when your busy planning how to live.

work apart, some where down the line i have been having disagreements with most of friends. and have spent a majority of my time distancing them. which is not such a great move since i dont have that many to begin with, and socializing is not really my cup to tea. and i dont even know what my game plan with this distance thing even is.

on the home front things have been stagnant. no. love. at. all. and with the brother away in canada its not really the best of times to bond with the other family members.

i think i need closure. and i need to move. there are too many common friends. too many painful memories. too many not so happy occasions.

i guess its about remembering the good a the end of the day. but when you dont see the end and its all but an endless cycle of indifference, attachment, pain, hurt and longing there seems to be no end in sight.

i think the doctor just ordered closure.

Note to thy self # 1

stop short changing yourself. people are not worth the effort.

mother and i

now that brother dearest has left, and its even more evident since it was his birthday yesterday. apart from all the sadness engulfing me we are on cleaning sprees. the mother and i. whitewashing and repainting. my room included.

mother has already given ultimatums suggesting that if i leave the house as well (anyone wanting to adopt??) she will be leaving the dungeon as well and going to mangalore.

ultimatums apart, it is difficult to not have the annoying little brother at home. all the annoying bit given he is the closest thing i got to family. if not the only.

mother i thinking is coping worse. she is used to cooking and being on beck and call for him. and i am the more self sufficient and self reliant one. so now she suddenly feels like she has nothing to do. hence the frantic cleaning to rooms and the like.

in other recent happenings my caffeine junkie behavior has waned. died. whatever. i dont enjoy more than my 2 cups. which are oxygen to my usual sleep deprived state. but beyond those two mandatory cups' i dont crave it. and more often than not cant get myself to drink it. maybe this is also coz i am not really working full time now, hence the need for kapi has not yet risen. will keep thou updated on this.

and, im planing on getting my room painted as well. since it has been aeons since the last painting session. and i want some nice bright colours. nothing sad or gloomy. and no damn pastels.

so get back with suggestions if any.

announcements

hmmm i dont know if the below mentioned things are considered progress in the 'real world'. but they are small things that mean a lot to me so mentioning them:

• brother left for better pastures to vancouver. sigh sigh sigh sigh. woe is me. my only family member has left. i have officially nothing left to stay for in this city.
• most of the dental work is done with. root canal down. 2 cavities down. got some more things left with the dentist. but i finally addressed these 'teething' problems.
• got a new llr issued. since my earlier one had lapsed and i had to go get my license, so they issued fresh llr, license in a month.

ok when i think of more accomplishments i shall announce to the world. adios for now.

heylo

this is def a year for new beginnings.

• got me root canal done. got some more sittings with the dentist but the hardest part is always the beginning.

• i quit my job with kimaya. psycho boss. end of story. (thou shall not bitch too much).

• started a computer course, for fashion flats and the like.

• decided to be honest about things that mean a lot to me. got shot down on most things. but i have no regrets.

• brother dearest is leaving soon. and i am truly sad about that. the one person who means a lot to me.

thats it i guess.

lesson learnt the hard way: its ok to expect. as long as your ok with the heart ache that accompanies it at times.

sigh.

i am need of closure. whatever the price. any one?

check in. check out.

sometimes we expect more from ourselves. we wont really let ourselves down now, would we? rhetorical my dear friend. and the flip side being us constantly underestimating ourselves. expectations coupled with loss of faith sprinkled with liberal doses of kapi does nothing for my heart. 

people come and people go. some profoundly influence you. some just provide the necessary entertainment to get by. its those that get under your skin that irritate me. that leads me to believe that i care. and that i might actually have a heart. *gasp*

its about a journey with an end, and no fixed itinerary. right, wrong, morality, good and bad are but victims of priorities. conscience being perhaps your greatest enemy. surrounded with a myriad choices, its what you choose to take or not take home. 

its not an end in itself, but a means to an end. 

status update

been taking the santro out every other day to get used to various "aspects" of driving like brakes and the like.

developed a new love for the iphone. i have no idea why though. cause a week earlier i was not even remotely interested in it. 

the best news I'm off to bangalore. 

bye.

pointers

• have started the much awaited computer classes and they going ok. atleast in moments of joblessness i can learn something new.
  

• moving on i have stopped my psychotic intake of kapi (esp after much info given by loving friends). now its down to 2 cups of kapi a day. mostly in the morning, and in the evening if the urge persists i have a mug of hot chocolate. i have not really worked out how it helps me. but i am thinking it will in the long run. so cheers to health. 
  

• i got my l.l.r on 16th of dec. so essentially june 16th it expires. so that means i have 2 months to buck up and finish those classes and practice with moi driver so i didnt waste money for those classes. but i cant seem to motivate meself to go for those classes or drive around in this fucking city. 
  

• my jbl radial is slowly dying on me, and i want to upgrade my 4gb nano to the 16gb one. with these two done my life would be a better place for a while atleast.

• and july is going to be a good month. 2 of my homies will be coming back for atleast a month. and then i can really have some fun.

okie thats it for now. ciao.

review

delhi 6 was a waste of time. cant get over the mess they made of the movie. though sonam kapoor's clothes in the film was a refreshing change. dev d on the other hand was a revelation. abhay deol (i cant BELIEVE he is related to bobby and sunny, btw) was fabulous. as was kalki. the interpretation of devdas was fantastic. maybe the fact that i had no expectations from the movie that i had such a fab time. 

back to gym, driving class and much procrastinated computer classes. 

fyi

i never quite finished my driving classes. have 9kms left. and well never got around to finishing it. 

reason being, well i am bogged down with work. kimaya isnt cakewalk. never thought it would be, but did not think it would be this much of a whore. 

positive points, i like the people i am working with. but learning wise i dont know how much is happning. 

and since i am never at home i rarely get to see family. so when i do see them, they are very very nice. 

moving on, i need some sleep. so will bitch more the next time around.

new beginnings, and an end.

happy new year to one and all. hope it is a good year, for everyone!

now that the pleasantries are over and done with, driving classes have reached a stagnation point. i HAVE to finish the classes by 16th. then apply for my license and the like. and then i need to practice on my car, so i get the hang of this. 

one hand i must say i am quite happy i actually took the initiative to learn to drive. but on the other hand i must say i dont like to drive. i am waaay to tensed, and the driving and enjoying bit, wind in hair bit and all has to wait. maybe till i am a little more confident about my ability to drive. but having said all this, this is one more move in direction to usurping car and leaving :p

moving on, almost every other person i know is getting engaged. which is great, to all brides to be please shop at kimaya. :) :) 

other than that on the work front work starting in full swing. we are living at the office, and from tomorrow at the store. photos shall duly be put up. store looks gorgeous, with major light and mirror detailing. and we shall be having a few parties and the like.

moving on, my grandma's sister passed away on monday. mother's side. and i love the lady. i was headed to work when mum called to tell me. for a moment all i could remember was the photo of an old lady carrying me when i was 2 months old. and old lady who has written over 20 books for me filled with recipes, jokes and sewing/painting tips. and then i remember, when i had gone in october to visit mangalore; watching a really old woman struggling to breath through the tube inserted in her. someone who had to be spoon fed. who could barely articulate a few words, let alone string sentences. and these are not the images i want to remember. especially of the few people i love. i have to remark at the unfairness of life. and do wonder what god above is doing watching all this. 

it would be fair to say i am happy she passed away. to watch her struggle to survive, after spending her whole damn life taking care of all the grandchildren it is fucking unfair. i think every person has the right to demand dignity in death. no i didn't go to mangalore. i dont think i could have pulled it together if i went there. i dont want to think that my grandmother is mortal, and might join her sister soon. but i do know that her passing away is easier for me to deal with, than watching her struggle to live. and wondering with each passing day which might be her last. 

though, there are somethings to be thankful for, i did go and see her in october. and she remembered my name. and recognized me.