paradise city.

i got my freedom...my independence.
free from the taunts, the questions.
i am my own master now.
and now have more than enough time to contemplate.
there is no one to distrub, after all.
not a soul.
a busy day ends with contemplation..
giving voice to the unheard multitude within.
strangely, i find that my own voice cannot be heard.
the dissent has become an uproar now..
inevitably i cannot hear...myself.

inxs

well as of now i am recovering from the cold, fever and body pain... and the best remedy is eating.. which is ALL i have been doing these few days... and this brings me to the point i wanted to make ( i always have to start like this dont i!!)

the point is...(yes there is one) i dont like to be dependent on anything/ anyone... so i do everything in excess hanging out with people, coffee, ice cream, choclates blah blah blah.. till i can get it out of my system... its sort like a wierd version of all or nothing at all...

and when i crave it i want it... "saw it, wanted it, threw a fit; GOT it!"

there was a point not too long ago when i would eat like packets of sweets.. and now i cant look at it... i dont know why that is... everything is done till im sick of it and then i move on...

everything seems to me as just a matter of possession... sort of like a twisted cat and mouse game.. wondering who will tire of the obsession first!! and once i have it its like whatever the fuck..

at the present moment its subway sandwiches. and juice. im loving it at the moment but like next week i will not be able to look at it...

but my first love coffee will not change... no matter how much i consume. and but of course music... but in that too i went through obsessive phases....

variety i guess is the spice of life... but then again too much of anything is bad for anyone!

'cause life's like that!

when did life get so lame?? im sitting home on a sunday bored out of my mind.... and very tired... saturday night was fun.... and sunday morning was even better... a trip to broken bridge at 5 in the morning is what every sleep deprived mind and body requires!! and the most astonishing fact i was up to see the sunrise.... shocker!! hahaha. i think i have not seen the sunrise in like 3 years so this was very memorable... took photos, hope to upload them soon, if they are decent.. btw i did mention that it was BLOODY cold... and i froze to death... but yeah it was nice overall..

i have not slept and i am tired, but im depressed that tomorrow is monday which means college.... yuck... and ill have to get up.... yuck...and listen to my teacher's voice who btw we have NOT been able to throw out as of now... sooooooobbbbbbb....

but yeah that is all my sleep deprived mind is capable of at the moment...

bye.

goodnight! ;)

bleed like me.

like sharp nails, your words hurt...
but im not the one to show it.
feigning ignorance i turn away..
from the pain, from..you.
but im bleeding, bleeding from within.

give in, move on.
the philosophy of the hour..
move on... yeah...
blinded in a world of colour,
blindfolded and let loose,
among a myriad things.
im bleeding, bleeding from within.

life's come full circle.
i see you standing there,
in front of me.. not a care in the world,
yet i feel no remorse..
maybe love..
after all... if you love something you let it go..
if it doesnot come back.....
it was never yours to begin with.

you have become a commodity now.
sort of like an experience... a bad haircut perhaps.
or am i simplifying it too much?
i , have stemmed the bleeding, but the pain lingers.
a dull ache...
but too will fade away.

the ten things i hate about you.

i cannot talk without analysing everything once before in my head..
incase you misunderstand something...
i wouldn't want to give you a wrong opinion.
i like the attention.. its good for my ego.
but, i love my space more.
back up...im asking this time...
next time i will not be so polite.
at the same time i do not wish to lose your friendship..
i know i maybe asking too much from you,
but every relationship needs atleast two people to make it work.
you just lost one...

the mask

*sigh* mum came back from mangalore and i got soundly abused for not accompanying her.....

well i am trying to sort out for myself why i have an aversion to the place?? no not because i hate my community (i detest them, most that is...), well i have been thinking and i think its because when i love people too much i dont want to lose them or be seperated from them.because when i meet them again i dont know how to react around them.... hence i throw attitude and pretend they dont affect my life.... shit i suck!! this is a damn never ending cycle...and more often than not i start it.....

mum said my grandma (mum's mum) thought i had come with her.... and was very disapponted to find out that i had not come... i felt like shit when she said that. i have not seen my grandma for approximately 3 years or 2 years... but its been a long time..... its not that i dont love her.... she is possibly the only person in this world i love.....but.... i dont know.....

yeah i also know i have to make good on my new year promise to visit the place.....

at the beginning of time....

well happy new year to one and all..... and here's wishing you all an awesome year ahead..*cheers*...

well new years eve was 'happening' but i'll spare you all the details... what mattered was that i was with my friends... there were many mishaps and misunderstandings but ultimately fun prevailed.... i guess the location is secondary what mattered was that we were all together....

special mention: well kudos to the police comissioner (who i m not really fond of considering his moral policing in recent times....but this time around) security was maintained, but not at the expense of other people's 'fun' events...and over all it was awesome!!

anyway HAPPY NEW YEAR to one and all!!

confessions of a coffee junkie......

well well... we are back to that time of the year again.... resolution time... and introspection.... two of my least favourite activities..as they raise many questions but no answers!! (atleast im honest!)

well the year has gone by and what have i done with it?? progressed..yes most certainly... grown up.... i hope so....


INTEROSPECTION:


well some of the things i have done with 365 days:

1. made new friends...this is a big thing for me... i dont trust people easily so..... score one for me.
2. i am finally doing soemthing i want to.... and actually enjoying the process of learning...
3. downloaded awesome music courtesy friends...and because of my love for it....
4. partied hard.... ;)
5. blogged... and in the process grown up and made new friends.... and well percieved a lot more.
6. had my first modelling experience and what an experience it was....
7. learnt how to stitch under pressure....and not crumble under the pressure...score 2.
8. kept in touch with my closest friend though states seperated us....its so damn easy to get 'out' of touch...damn!
9. read more books....more indian fiction, more classics, harry potter....and quite a bit of shit in the process...
10. learnt to appreciate hindi music again....
11. dropped my very expensive cell phone quite a bit of times and now trying to sweet talk dad into getting me a new one! hahaha ;)
12. relations with parents have reached an all time low.... sad i know....but im not trying any more.
13. but gotten closer to my brother though that is a huge plus point... we are a tag team duo... hehe....
14. learnt to say no more forcefully and effectively might i add....
15. used abusive language more than polite conversation would permit!! hahaha..... and still do ( so sue me!)

RESOLUTIONS:

1. learn to drive!!
2. not take people for granted... i have lost too many that way...
3. go to mangalore. soon.
4. make a sincere effort to be in touch with friends...old and new...
5. throw out my present teacher at college. bitch.

that is it for now. will get back as to how many of those were effective.....

lo...behold.

there are certain moments in a person's life when in one second or even lesser than that, previously amibiguous thoughts, actions and words suddenly make sense.... its more commonly known as a moment of epiphany.....

well iv had many of these and the regret that follows these 'moments' is momentous in itself... *sigh*.....

well the most memorable is when i was thinking of a name for my blog.... many cliches came to mind...but then lo behold this name struck me...it is very me...the concept of destruction aimed at one'self..just to prove one measly point...yeah more often than not its not worth it but...well

as i write this another epiphanic?? moment strikes me straight in the head...... i realise that i set myself up for disappointment...i dont want to get close to people yet i crave for that elusive familiarity with people, that it is almost frightening.... im like when did i get so clingy??!!!!

i do this time and again...get close then cut and back away....very self destructive tendencies....its like i want it all on my own terms and if i dont get the way i want it then fuck offf....im not interested.

as i write this yes i understand i sound shallow, but that is not where im coming from... i think essentially its insecurity talking here...and need for self preservation above all else.

a very epiphanous day over all i must say...

groupism

now that the feel good 100th post is over back to the angst that im more familiar and comfortable with....

p.s : point to be noted is that judgment is not being passed on anyone...these are mere observations that have been made... and i just felt the need to vent.... so no offence mean't. so hopefully none taken.


.........was talking with my friend today and was wondering why it is that most of the parents in my generation seem to have sort of...like given up on their children.... there have been two extremes in behaviour.

group one: they collectively give up on their children like collectively...just say fuck it..and well as a result sex, drug rock 'n' roll...and god knows what all.... the consequences of which will be experienced in the years to come.

group two: well they continuously doubt their childrens ability to learn, grow...there by creating an environment of mistrust and bitter resentment... well my parents belong to this group... and yeah im dying to leave.... the psychological repercussions of this are aldready being felt... i am no longer interested in communicating with my parents. i do not like my family... and there by effectively i donot have a support system.....as personally i feel that there can be no relationship without trust.
so when the trust does not exist then what is the guilt in breaking it???


of course there are those eclectic people who do not belong to any one category....they sort of seem to find the balance and there by keeping some semblance of a family together.

the thing about this whole situation that disgusts is the complete hypocrisy that has become synonymous with the indian family/ middle class.

the most frequently asked 'what will people think?' like who the fuck cares what people think?? whose life it?? and there by with such nonsensical excuses the family members are effectively trapped in a never ending cycle of hatred, resentment and bitterness..
the concept of openness and honesty does not exist.

rather than watching their children grow up i would humbly ask the parents themselves to 'grow up'.

its partay time!!

well this is my 100th post... yeah!! not that i am too excited but yeah blogging is one thing that has kept me sane through this completely, insanely stressful year....

first and foremost college exams are almost over...and tomorrow officially we are planing to throw out our teacher...cause she sucks.

then i hope to get to spend more time with the people i like....hoping your reading this thangu....and tika ......it is awful to know that both these 'homies' of mine had come down to chennai ages ago but i couldnt meet up with them cause of my exams and other things...

anyway as of tomorrow good times will be here to stay... as i am not going to college till they replace that loser we call a teacher!

and yeah plan to explore the meagre nightlife that chennai has to offer and dance the night away...but these are all plans made in heaven! in reality im tired with these exams and actually just want to curl up and sleep...and read...eat.....tv!!!.....music.....blog.....read.....watch movies....meet tika and thangu... oh yeah and maybe finally move my ass to gym...yeah right.

like i have said before i am a simple girl.....small things keep me happy... the rest are all but frills that just make life a more attractive prospect.

anyway heres to successfully lasting almost a year and completing a 100 posts...cheers.*clink* ;)

fight club

how often is the fight not worth the effort??
its very easy to back out...
but to invest in a relationship....then back out...
there is no winner.

im walking away from the troubles in my life....
but for how long is what im wondering..*sigh*

disconnected.....

looked outside your 'busy' life??
while your making money....life is passing by...
its called priorities....double check yours.
get them straight...and through your skull..
work hard. party harder.
nice philosophy.
living or existing is the question.
or better yet do not answer that,
your face says it all....
working. saving for that rainy day..
day to day....year after year.
now the rainy day is here..
you are enjoying the hard work..
i guess not.
life is calling.
where are you?

en vogue....

well yesterday was an experience!

a close friend begged me to model for some of the designs that she had to showcase for a contest.... being the sucker that i am for friends i agreed....
in the process had a whole new experience, made some friends, enjoyed myself, and shed some inhibitions ..

to begin with the choregraphy started at 11.30 a.m..... and the sequence formation was being taught and described.....

1. point one i cannot walk on high heels.
2. i am not comfortable in over the top sexy clothes....(uhhh yes im guessing u get the drift..)
3. and the last but most important point being the drape round whcih was the first one did not ALLOW me to wander around the stage pouting to the audience.... the drapes would freakin fall off me!

oh did i mention the rest of the 5 models had modelled before and i was a novice at this????!!!!!!

anyway as the day progressed i was given a pair of wedge sandals so that i would not fall during the 2 minutes i had to make a stage appearance!! and i wore them the whole day.. the blisters i have today is testimony to that fact!!

lunchtime came by which time the rest of the models and i had built up a good rapport and were pretty comfortable with each other...

now here comes the biggest myth that models dont eat or starve themselves....maybe a few do... but for us lunch was pizza hut pizza's, garlic bread( cheese of course!), pepsi( NOT diet), and icecream... 2 tubs of it among 6 of us.....will post up pics to back up these' outrageous' claims.

then the make up session started.... now this was a revelation for someone who does not use anything but kajal and the occasional lipstick. i will describe the layers in grest detail:

1. layer one is moisturizer.
2. then base. LOTS of it. my face looked a tad too lifeless after the base coat!!
3. then the concealer to take care of our dark circles and blemishes if any. then add water to blend everything.
4. then the powder.
5. blush.
6. mascara.
7. kajal.
8. eyeshadow.
9. lipstick.
10. then a final coating of powder to 'seal' everything in place!!

did i mention this process is fondly called as war paint?? also i must mention the process took like 20 minutes to complete and over 25 minutes to emove at the end of the show!!!

the reaction to the new me??? "different..","maybe you should stand in the light then we can get a better look!".....right!!!!!!

then came the hairstyling which for me by god's grace was pretty simple just a little gel then i was done.

then came the best part the draping. which took hours. and i was poked, pinned, stapled and what not. btw all concept of modesty, decency, and decorum was left outside the dressing room.

everyone was screaming, yelling, harried, stressed, stripping, changing, and getting draped into the elaborate costumes.

then came the first round, and then the second. im not goin into great detail because.... it was all a blur to me, i remeber the judges, my friends mum smiling at me, my frozen look, and well the camera bulbs flashing...... of yeah and we all forgot a sequence......

my friend did not win.... yet i thought she did a phenomenal job considering the time constraints, and the model changes and all.... and i thought her outfits were the best!! hehehe. and the model too..(but of course)..

at the end of the day i learnt more than i would ever learn if i just sat on my arse at home and watched tv.

let me be........

i am what i am.
what i am mean't to be.
circumstances, events and people...influence me.
i am the one who chooses...
life or death, happiness or misery,
friends or enemies, good or bad.
every decision is born from a choice.
right or wrong is just a matter of perspective.
worship me, or cast me aside....
but, respect my right to have, an, opinion.
and respect the fact that i have one.
donot talk down to me.
i am not, dumb..or deaf, or blind.
its just that my indifference is mistaken for arrogance.

let the past be.
let the differencesgo,
let it all just rest.
and, please...let me be!

friends for life.

well what can i say about the two weeks that i have spent?? well i have partied, danced the night away,been involved in fights galore...blah blah blah. in the process made new friends. i do not know them well but yeah we have had fun....

usually me being well me....i would not usually go for any of this.....but yeah i have opened up a bi more and that has made all the difference.

so i guess here's to life! *cheers*

what do i say about college?? it sucks.

my classmates are the only reason i even venture out of the house.....anyway that is it for now.

aashiq banaya aapne...

my recent craze in music genres seems to be hindi music. 2 months back i would not have known the heroes now i know the lyrics to the songs!! this could also be because hindi musik these days has a hip hop flava! my fav song over the past few months is "aashiq banaya aapne" - slow version. i have to specify this as most of these songs have a disco version or remix that could get very annoying!

the words of this song are very beautiful, and i feel that somehow songs in the regional languages are more poignant and meaningful, and perhaps more soulful than english numbers. this particular song comes from a movie of the same name. now the movie i would not watch (not even if you paid me). but i have listened to the song over a hundred times. i serious here.

maybe its a passing craze like the hip hop craze i had. short of thinking i was one of the homies i was into 'da music'. the music is what drwas me towards songs...and there is something truly haunting about the music and the way the song has been sung.

the beauty of the song lies in its simplicity, sincerity and honesty of the words. after a looonnnggg time a hindi song im listening to time and again.

Puddle Of Mud!!!

well i learn't today that i have been reacting all my life!! i am not doing anything very drastically different now..but...atleast i learnt a bit more. i react to people, incidents, emotions, actions.....well you get the drift. and i also follow the motto: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. hence the very self explanatory title self destructive rebel.

now that i have learnt this of myself i wonder if im going to change...at all... i do understand that its human to react but when the reactions control my emotions...i guess i know im in over my head! every time i ponder wether the action/ reaction is right or wrong....and it does not help that im indecisive as hell. weighing in the pros and cons time and again, the time to react/act would have passed. thereby effectively leaving me with no choice.

so... i drift along...sometimes i feel i epitomise the modern day hamlet, to be or not to be.....now that is a damn good question!

hello.....

well its been some time since i have raved and ranted in this 'very' public blog. but anyway... hey to one and all i have been marooned at home due to the incessant rains like the rest of chennai has..over the past week. anyway my good buddy thangu has come down to namma cennai waiting to meet her, and wellllll....SHOP!!

and i need some help please. any suggestions would do. well i have a mood board to sumit....and my theme is 'synthesis' (the perfect meeting of land and sea, harmonious at times but at times violent........but essentially mutual.....)

now the help part : i need to depict this through pictures any advice??? i have run out of ideas....any help would be appreciated.

anyway that is it for now. bye.

killing me softly......

the great indian joint family has a purpose apparently. a family in general is a support system where trust, loyalty and respect are the pillars on which it stands. festivals are occassions where the family comes together to celebrate and part-take in the festivities, shoving aside differences, and misunderstandings. but what if the one system you count on is more corrupt and vengeful than the world you face / hide from as the case maybe??!!

ok enough of the third person writing. by now anyone reading this post would have known im talking about 'my' family!! ( big surprise)

its amazing how one small change can bring down a pack of cards, so carefully arranged. strong and structured in appearance on the outside, but hollow, and without stability or substance from the inside. this is a fitting metaphor for the world that i inhabit (be it in family or the habitat i dwell in). please do note: these are not bitter rantings, but almost cynically detatched observations. my friends would know. i would like to believe that i am not apart of that system, so PLEASE indulge me. this is my diwali gift to myself.

anyway....the cards i was telling you about...well the small change came yesterday, the day before the great indian festival diwali. a small naughty, ball of fur a fawn coloured 29 day old puppy. who we decided to name gubby ( short for greedy gubbins - a personality trait). we ( bro, dad and me) got him as a gift for my mum, an animal fantic. my grandparents (but, ofcourse!!) detested him.i think unconditonal love scares them. they cannot control the puppy with money, or manipulate its affection hence they cannot dictate who the puppy loves or dislikes.

around 11 in the night the dislike manifested into hatred for the poor defenseless creature. ultimatums were issued (the dog or us), threats (you can all leave the house), and omnious silences and glares punctured the aldready polluted air. you would think we bought home the devil wouldnt you??

then dawned the beautiful diwali morning, and it was an unspoken decision that the puppy would have to leave. all this despite copious tears and promises to care for him from my side.

i am very upset, sad, angry and frustrated. not at my grandparents (them i hate), but at my father. this is the man who runs a company that exports products, he has hundreds of workers working under him. and this man could not speak one word in defense of the poor puppy. not one. he just said :"bapma (grandma) wants the dog gone and thats it....thats final" whatever happened to sticking by the ones you love?? im guessing poeple in my house have never heard that charity begins at home. there is no plausible reason why they would not want to keep the dog. we have a huge house, servants, people at home all the time, and a huge garden.....u name it. but there seems to be a shortage of love over the past 20 years or so. so maybe that is it.

the puppy has gone. everyone is acting as if he never came home...except me. i am heartbroken that he has gone. i can still smell him on my t-shirt. i was the one feeding him at 4 in the morning, and cleaning his piss and lulling him to sleep. i am devastated by his loss. his absence speaks more than his presence ever did.

i know i will get over him. like all things in life time will heal, or maybe out of sight out of mind...

but what really haunts me?? what really makes me want to curl up and die?? the fact that no one else would stand up for the 30 -day-old puppy. and they call themselves a family.

fuck you all.