to a new year; new beginnings *cheers*

reading a friends post made me realize how we often underestimate ourselves. and how, more often than not we run our selves down. we would never do that with a friend. why do we put ourselves through it?? cause at the end of the day we are decent human beings deep down and capable of a lot.. a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

so i think this new years my resolution is :

• not to run myself down. and never to short change myself. in life. in love. in relationships.
• to not apologize for expecting. expectations from people and relationships in general is natural, and i guess human.
• to learn to drive :P

and to everyone out there happy new years. heres looking forward to an awesome 2010.

getting in to the xmas spirit.

the more trouble your in , the more you ponder over the meaning/meaninglessness of things in your life. and that is when you kind of figure out who your friends are. and well who are not. the last 3 months have been the worst iv had in a long time. and there are few who have stood by me. when i least expected it. and few who i thought would stand by me. and well didnt. did it hurt yes. a lot. especially since i dont make friends so easily. and it kills to lose those precious few. especially when the reason is miscommunication.

i am not interested in any more drama. or even socializing.

and as my christmas gift (apart from my friend :) i ask for peace of mind.

p.s: an iphone wont kill.

a few good things.

this post is only going to be about the good things going on in my life. not that many, but few to be thankful for sure.

the brother is back. bigger than before, but such a relief to have him home. life seems semi normal now.

the drama seems (seems might be the key word here) to have died down at least for now.

and i'm making myself my number one priority. self preservation above all else.

work is going good. i don't know if its sad to say i like my work life (which is more of chilling out than work) more than my social life (as small and insignificant as that is)

and work is the stability, maybe only stability in my life at the moment.

on a random note i have started reading the twilight series. and no i don't like it. but if i had to choose give me the wolf any day.

kapi has also reduced like mad. now i cant have more than my regulation few cups. which i think is a good thing. but i have been sleeping later and later everyday, thereby looking like a zombie at work. sighs.

must make effort to sleep early.

and a good good friend is back christmas eve! so there is my xmas gift :D :D :D

*SIGH*

i could do with some reassurance right about... now??

random

i wish some times words translate into actions. maybe then id believe you. maybe.

predictions and the like...

"You can get along with almost anyone today -- your great social energy really complements the needs of your peers! It's a great time to forge alliances with those you don't know well."

lol obviously my face book horoscope is fucked in the head. i have a splitting headache. broken my kapi diet of 2 cups a day. and been guzzling kapi, and no avail. sob. bye.

last resort

i miss the stability of detachment.

points of authority

having no regrets is part of my game plan for life. or sort of my game plan. cause' i believe that all experiences teach you something. (good, bad or ugly) and its up to you what you take away from the whole experience.

but sometimes you wonder if you did things differently would you be happier? or if you decided not to do something would some one else be happier? that is a scary thought that some one else's happiness/misery lies with you. even scarier that your own happiness lies with you. i not yet sure what role fate plays in my life. i would like to think that i control my life, and the outcome. but at the same time it so much easier to cut back, relax and let fate take over. and blame everything on karma and the like. if your not responsible for the outcome, you dont have to take punitive measures to rectify your mistakes if any.

its not a great thought that you have that much control over someone else's life. at least not for me.

such deep thinking for a sleep deprived mind. night.

note to self # 3

sometimes hope is all you got left.

small mercies

thank you god for the drama less weekend. amen.

a matter of perspective

sometimes if you let that massive ego go, and ask for help you will be surprised by the number of people willing to be there for you.

wether its about trusting the few. or just not alienating the whole lot, a bit of explanation goes a long way.

fingers crossed in hoping this week fares 1000 times better than the crappy weekend, and the shit that was last weekend.

iwant!!

note to thy self # 2

the truth sometimes causes more heartache than relief.

for no one

someone told me last year, that this year would be better for me health-wise and otherwise as well.

apart from a few flu type illness i would say health-wise i am ok.

but moving to the otherwise, i started a job which i hoping to last in for quite a while. but that didnt happen, quite the way i wanted it to work out. i guess life is what happens when your busy planning how to live.

work apart, some where down the line i have been having disagreements with most of friends. and have spent a majority of my time distancing them. which is not such a great move since i dont have that many to begin with, and socializing is not really my cup to tea. and i dont even know what my game plan with this distance thing even is.

on the home front things have been stagnant. no. love. at. all. and with the brother away in canada its not really the best of times to bond with the other family members.

i think i need closure. and i need to move. there are too many common friends. too many painful memories. too many not so happy occasions.

i guess its about remembering the good a the end of the day. but when you dont see the end and its all but an endless cycle of indifference, attachment, pain, hurt and longing there seems to be no end in sight.

i think the doctor just ordered closure.

Note to thy self # 1

stop short changing yourself. people are not worth the effort.

mother and i

now that brother dearest has left, and its even more evident since it was his birthday yesterday. apart from all the sadness engulfing me we are on cleaning sprees. the mother and i. whitewashing and repainting. my room included.

mother has already given ultimatums suggesting that if i leave the house as well (anyone wanting to adopt??) she will be leaving the dungeon as well and going to mangalore.

ultimatums apart, it is difficult to not have the annoying little brother at home. all the annoying bit given he is the closest thing i got to family. if not the only.

mother i thinking is coping worse. she is used to cooking and being on beck and call for him. and i am the more self sufficient and self reliant one. so now she suddenly feels like she has nothing to do. hence the frantic cleaning to rooms and the like.

in other recent happenings my caffeine junkie behavior has waned. died. whatever. i dont enjoy more than my 2 cups. which are oxygen to my usual sleep deprived state. but beyond those two mandatory cups' i dont crave it. and more often than not cant get myself to drink it. maybe this is also coz i am not really working full time now, hence the need for kapi has not yet risen. will keep thou updated on this.

and, im planing on getting my room painted as well. since it has been aeons since the last painting session. and i want some nice bright colours. nothing sad or gloomy. and no damn pastels.

so get back with suggestions if any.

announcements

hmmm i dont know if the below mentioned things are considered progress in the 'real world'. but they are small things that mean a lot to me so mentioning them:

• brother left for better pastures to vancouver. sigh sigh sigh sigh. woe is me. my only family member has left. i have officially nothing left to stay for in this city.
• most of the dental work is done with. root canal down. 2 cavities down. got some more things left with the dentist. but i finally addressed these 'teething' problems.
• got a new llr issued. since my earlier one had lapsed and i had to go get my license, so they issued fresh llr, license in a month.

ok when i think of more accomplishments i shall announce to the world. adios for now.

heylo

this is def a year for new beginnings.

• got me root canal done. got some more sittings with the dentist but the hardest part is always the beginning.

• i quit my job with kimaya. psycho boss. end of story. (thou shall not bitch too much).

• started a computer course, for fashion flats and the like.

• decided to be honest about things that mean a lot to me. got shot down on most things. but i have no regrets.

• brother dearest is leaving soon. and i am truly sad about that. the one person who means a lot to me.

thats it i guess.

lesson learnt the hard way: its ok to expect. as long as your ok with the heart ache that accompanies it at times.

sigh.

i am need of closure. whatever the price. any one?

check in. check out.

sometimes we expect more from ourselves. we wont really let ourselves down now, would we? rhetorical my dear friend. and the flip side being us constantly underestimating ourselves. expectations coupled with loss of faith sprinkled with liberal doses of kapi does nothing for my heart. 

people come and people go. some profoundly influence you. some just provide the necessary entertainment to get by. its those that get under your skin that irritate me. that leads me to believe that i care. and that i might actually have a heart. *gasp*

its about a journey with an end, and no fixed itinerary. right, wrong, morality, good and bad are but victims of priorities. conscience being perhaps your greatest enemy. surrounded with a myriad choices, its what you choose to take or not take home. 

its not an end in itself, but a means to an end.